Angelia, I know exactly how you feel. I'm in that same situation right now. H says that he had a ONS (one night stand) and as a result oc was born. ONS occurred 2/02; oc born 11/02. D-day was 1/5/03. As you can see this is still very new for me and I'm hurting. I know oc is innocent in all of this, however that still does not make the situation any better for me. I have no problem with H financially supporting this oc, but at this point, I cannot handle him having any other type of relationship with oc! I think it is unfair to me and my feelings to ask for anything otherwise. We have agreed to go to counseling to address some of these issues that have come up since D-day. H has informed me that he would like to do the right thing by oc because so many children grow up without their fathers. Doesn't want to have to hear oc child say one day that he wasn't as important as his own children. Feels responsible for even putting oc in a postition like this. Well, I say tough! Maybe with counseling and lots of prayer, we'll be able to save our marriage.

Married 5 1/2 years (dated 7 before M)
OC born 11/02
D-day 1/5/03
We have no children of our own

No offense, but I got the impression that he was mainly trying to point out (in a gentle but round about way) that:

1) people shouldn't let their hatred of the OW/WH spill over onto innocent children. Yes, BWs are victims. But that still doesn't make it ok to turn ill-feelings onto another, just-as-innocent victim. In any situation (not just in infidelity issues) when victim#1 turns on victim#2, it quite honestly doesn't look good for victim#1. Some here do. Some here don't. He wasn't targetting anyone in particular, was he? (Shrug.)

2) all of the children are innocent victims, and all are important.

Also, have no fear <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , I will have "nothing left to say on this" either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Yikes ... the hostility is far too scary. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Thank God the rest of the real-world isn't like this. Yikes.

friendofk/chudP (adult OC)

<small>[ January 22, 2003, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: friendofk ]</small>

JustaGuy,

I too feel that a father should rise to his responsibilites...however it's very hard to say what is right and what is wrong given our situation. I believe in my heart that we are handling the situation as graciously as we know how. I think paying support and providing insurance are the best we can offer oc. It is better for us and ex-ow not to maintain contact in order to move on with our lives. It's our choice...it doesn't necessarily mean the child cannot grow up happy. You can have a loving home w/one parent. It's possible. Although it would be ideal to be raised by both parents, the circumstances in which oc came into this world were also not ideal. It isn't a matter of facing your responsibilites or what is right and wrong by oc now, it's a matter of what you are willing to live with...that's just my opinion...

Hello Chud,

Glad you jumped in ... but I think you misunderstood where I (we) are coming from with regards to OC.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
1) people shouldn't let their hatred of the OW/WH spill over onto innocent children. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is no hatred for OC. Perhaps in some instances there is for the OW, but not the child. Believe you me, we realize that the child is is just as much a victim. But just because we realize this, it doesn't mean that we have to welcome OC into our lives with open arms. I think that is point that is trying to be made.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, BWs are victims. But that still doesn't make it ok to turn ill-feelings onto another, just-as-innocent victim. In any situation (not just in infidelity issues) when victim#1 turns on victim#2, it quite honestly doesn't look good for victim#1. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure where you read that we (BS) turn our ill-feelings onto the OC. We simply do not want that person that reminds us of so much pain in our every day lives. There are many people I have encountered in my life that I don't necessarily hate, but I don't choose to be friends with them any more. Same concept.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Some here do. Some here don't. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">not real sure what this was referring to, maybe I've had to long of a day at work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He wasn't targetting anyone in particular, was he? (Shrug.)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess I can speak for myself, and perhaps others felt the same and didn't say anything. But I took offense for someone giving me their advise on a situation they have never even remotely experienced. Just like I wouldn't take financial advise from someone on welfare. I don't take advise or opinions on this subject from someone who hasn't even had to face this aweful reality.

You on the other hand are a living breathing person who has walked in one of the many shoes of infidelity producing a child. Only those who have lived it can realize the true enormity of it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
2) all of the children are innocent victims, and all are important.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">couldn't agree with you more. Perhaps even moreso than the BS. At least I was a participant to the breakdown of my marriage. OC didn't even ask to be brought into this hellish nightmare.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Also, have no fear , I will have "nothing left to say on this" either. Yikes ... the hostility is far too scary. Thank God the rest of the real-world isn't like this. Yikes.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">actually I would hope you had more to say. We rarely get a full grown OC to give us the spin of how they dealt with the decisions that were made by all parties envolved. BTDT has a grown OC, but he does not post here.

I'm sorry you felt we were hostile. But like I said before ... the opinions on such a hurtful issue coming from someone with no life experience is not well received. Feelings are still to raw by many many readers of this forum.

Cheers, hope to hear from you soon,
Z.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by friendofk:
<strong>No offense, but I got the impression that he was mainly trying to point out (in a gentle but round about way) that:

1) people shouldn't let their hatred of the OW/WH spill over onto innocent children. Yes, BWs are victims. But that still doesn't make it ok to turn ill-feelings onto another, just-as-innocent victim. In any situation (not just in infidelity issues) when victim#1 turns on victim#2, it quite honestly doesn't look good for victim#1. Some here do. Some here don't. He wasn't targetting anyone in particular, was he? (Shrug.)

friendofk why do you think victim #1 is turning on victim #2? How do you see that?

2) all of the children are innocent victims, and all are important.

Yes they are. Sadly we all are. Oc and BS and c's of marriage. Victims,that is. Important? Yes. But many times over, oc is important only to ow who usually still is in love w/WS and hopes baby will turn it around. Hopes W will trow-da-bum-out... When that doesn't happen, you are right..usually the WS wakes up, comes back to senses...gives up other life altogether for the well being of himself and W and marriage....to stablize and help Bs recover. Usually ow has family/friends who support oc and everyone goes on. Oc knows nothing of circumstances of birth until oc is of age. Then ,when they find a problem w/abandonment, they usually post on MB or similar sites to berate BS and claim they are just as wounded....AND THEY ARE.....but I didn't cause it and frankly do not wish to deal w/another womans child with my H. We have been better off w/o it in our lives as we were better off w/o the A. Now that it happened, if H really wanted oc, nothing would stop him, just as nothing did in the A.

Also, have no fear <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , I will have "nothing left to say on this" either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Yikes ... the hostility is far too scary. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hostility? friendofk? I think you read the untold measure of shock and disbelief and pain as hostility. The pain of another woman giving birth to YOUR H's child is pretty unbelievable. That it was done in secret is another shock. Hostility toward oc is never meant in the way you read it. I hope oc leads a happy and fulfilling life. Often times it is not the complete case when oc finds truth about conception. My H will have to deal with that knowledge. We came from, or rather HE came from a traditional family life. that is one reason I married him. I didn't and longed for that and felt "safe" with my H to the point of never questioning where he went or what he did. After all, he knew what I wanted and guaranteed to deliver, to never cheat, as he put it, "if you ever want to cheat, don't debi, leave me and don't disgrace my name". I laugh now at that statement. All the while it was H who was trying to let me know he'd be horrified...and HE horrified me, and ow, and oc! Just as my own Mom horrified and disgraced my Dad years ago. Know what? My Dad is with her now as she is fighting a life threatening (fatal) disease. To this day...it is still a source of sadness for me. My Mom cheating and divorcing my Dad for OM distroyed me and my younger sisters lives and embarrassed us during our high school years. And for what, friendofk? OM never married my Mom. We had difficult holidays, birthdays, etc. We couldn't celebrate their 50th anniversary...they aren't married. It would have been 53 years. All that for what? So what I'm saying is, there is no hostility. Only a profound sense of sadness as to what might have been.
do not think for one minute BS wish ill of oc. Maybe we scream it in the beginning...but we are not freaks w/o feelings. Only devastated women/Men.

Thank God the rest of the real-world isn't like this. Yikes.

C'mon friendofk, we've all seen Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer and Montel...only as in our case, I thought only low-lifes did those type of things. I guess I want to invite you to "The Real World"

friendofk/chudP (adult OC)</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please feel free to post here again. we do not hate you, only what you have represented to us.

love
Debi

See HELP! my story My H had A with OW resulting in his first child. Very hard of course he wants to have contact with me and it is very hard on me. Not sure which way to go. Love him with all my heart A happened when we were having hard times in marriage. Now in MC together, church, pray together, communicate more and he is 100% dedicated to me in saving marriage. I have 2 teenagers prior to out relationship. Married 10 yrs in March together for 13. I believe NC would be best but, in my situation I can not deny him if the child is his. Testing not done yet. NC right now since I found out 4 3 months ago. Child 5 months old.