Here I go again. Here is my question.

I found some of the court papers concerning the genetic testing that h did to determine if he was the father. Well, you all know that he states it came back that he was the father. I did not see the results, but he said it is 99.9, but ow did not give a blood sample.

Here goes, she states on the court papers that the oc conceived date was around 2/21/00, oc was born 9/00. To me oc should have been born sometime in november 2000. Unless it was born 2 months early.

How can h find out if the baby was born early? I still just don't feel right about her not giving a blood sample, and now these dates don't appear to match. Someone is not telling the truth here.

I asked him if oc was born early, and he states he don't know.I asked him when did this happen? He don't remember(I think he has block it out of his mind). Keep in mind this was suppose to be a one night stand(how can you not remember). If only he would have told me about this mess when he first went to court in 4/01,and not hide it from me. I could have help out a little with some questions and even gotten a lawyer.

I kind of want to get this thing re-open. Do you think I am just trying to find a way for it not to be his? I just have this feeling that something is just not right. Is God trying to tell me something? If we have to get this re-open that would be alot of money. Don't know if we could afford it.

Please give me some feedback.

I don't think it would hurt to just be sure, unless they don't really need the mother's sample to test. I don't know how that's done. What is the relationship like now with OW? How does your H feel about it?

As far as I know, you don't need a sample from the mother. Comparing the fathers and childs DNA is enough to tell whether they are related or not.

Hello,
Definably re-open the case. I smell a rat here. It has been recently discovered that DNA tests were alter to show that a man was the father and that was the DNA test through the court.

You are right. My OC would have been conceived 1/24/01 and she had the baby in October 2001. IF the baby was conceived in February then it should have been born in Nov. 2000 not in September.

Another thing is that I called child support services and they told me that they would definitely take DNA from the mother too it would be more accurate they said 99.9% is hard to come by without the mother's DNA.

Did your H see the baby at the hospital if it was born two months earlier it would have had some problems especially breathing and it would have to stay in the hospital and it would have low birth weight? Since it says your H is the father you can get a BC and see how much the baby weighted. And if the baby was full term it would have been conceived in December 99.

You have the right to have someone to review the test results an outside party. Do you have the results? If you do take it to someone that can analyze them.

Dawn

IDMHVM,
Have you tried to counsel? Is H being honest about 1 time?
Also, dna need only to come from alledged father and child. H may be mistaken about 99%.

I may be totally wrong, but it seems as if H is hiding the truth about circumstances surrounding oc. He may be fearful to talk right now. A lot of WS do this upon discovery at first.

Is cs established through courts? If not, it is not too late to do that. Atty. fees differ from state to state. Ask up front when calling atty.

You two must enter a POJA. This way you can make decisions together about your marriage.

Read everything you can on this site. It will help a great deal.

Bless you.

love
Debi

Dawn,

Thanks for the information about the DNA. I have asked h to go to the courts to get a copy of the genetic testings, because he states he throw away the letter that he had because he was so upset. H states he did not see the baby, and can't really tell me if this child was born early. I did not know that they put the weight of the child on the BC. Once h get the papers I will take your advice and have someone else read them.

Thanks again.

Gemini1,

No we have not tried counsel. Don't think we can afford it at this time because of this cs he must pay out. I have ask him over and over was this the first and only time and he still tells me yes. I find it so hard to see her get pregnant from the first time, but I also feel in my heart that she also plan this to happen.

I have not seen the DNA results, but he states it said 99.9% and this was without the ow sample. I also find this hard to believe.

I am just having a very hard time with this mess. I did not get pregnant on our first try. What up with that?

What is a POJA and WS?

I know when I start to ask questions h start to look sad and get sick. I know that I am wrong, but right now I don't really care about his feeling.

I pray for God to give me the courage to make it through this, because some days are just so hard. When I look at him I just want to slap the mess out of him. God help me.

Thanks for your information, and if anything else comes to mind just let me know.

Lady_Terry,

H has no contact with ow/oc. I think h would do anything that I say, because he is afraid that I will leave him. He tells me all the time that he is so sorry, and I thought like everyone else that I had a good man and marriage. I guess I was just stupid.

Thanks

---------
Married 20 years (dated for 9 years)
4 children
oc born 9/00
d-day 12/17/02

This one is a trigger for me also
If OC is my H this oc would have been born
in march of 2002

Oc was born 1/16/2000 she weighed 6pds 5oz my H told everyone a day after oc was born she was a premy yeah right. Now mind you H talked to his family the day of the birth never told anyone oc was a premy.

OW told H she know a women who gave birth to a 10pd premature baby, in what life time?
When SMIL told me this we both said yeah right.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gemini1,

No we have not tried counsel. Don't think we can afford it at this time because of this cs he must pay out. I have ask him over and over was this the first and only time and he still tells me yes. I find it so hard to see her get pregnant from the first time, but I also feel in my heart that she also plan this to happen.

Perhaps you can get counseling from your church, alone and together. You will be able to ask questions safely with a mediator. If H is hiding the truth, he will be able to safely tell you what happened. At first my H was lying about the time frame...it took time, but now we worked through it all with truth. H knew after a while I wouldn't go on without truth. Counseling with the Harleys is also invaluable as many here can tell you. Do try something.

I have not seen the DNA results, but he states it said 99.9% and this was without the ow sample. I also find this hard to believe.

I am just having a very hard time with this mess. I did not get pregnant on our first try. What up with that?

All I meant was you do not need ow's dna to prove paternity. As far as results, they are pretty accurate in an accredited lab. Ask H wich lab did test and maybe he can call and ask for another statement to be sent w/information you want to see. I got pregnant w/S our first time after being on the pill for the first 5 1/2 years we were married.....but I know what you mean.

What is a POJA and WS?

POJA is policy of joint agreement. You can read about it here from this site. It means you begin to take direction together in your marriage. Also the honesty policy applies. Being honest is hard at first, but eventually as you work through all of this, it will come and must be applied in order to move ahead. WS = wondering spouse.

I know when I start to ask questions h start to look sad and get sick. I know that I am wrong, but right now I don't really care about his feeling.

You have every right to ask questions. H must be able to come clean in order for you to process what happened. Ask without "lovebusting" without anger or attacking your H. It's the hardest to do at first, that too will come in time.

I pray for God to give me the courage to make it through this, because some days are just so hard. When I look at him I just want to slap the mess out of him. God help me.

We have all felt that, and at times I still do, but for other annoying reasons.

Thanks for your information, and if anything else comes to mind just let me know.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Read everything here you can. Please try at least some kind of counseling, do not be embarrassed.

Hang in there, prayer changes things.

love
Debi

ID,
I always found that 1 time thing hard to believe also. However, I have a beautiful 9-year-old D that was conceived on 4/15/93 and was born 12/15/93 (not an OC). Birth weights can be deceiving as my D was technically preterm but weighed in at 7 lbs as I had gestational diabetes which made the baby gain the weight. However, her lungs were not fully matured and her records indicate she was premature.

Also is this the OW's first child? If not, the state may already have her DNA on file as is the case in Georgia. To save money the state usually will not retest the mother. And if the DNA testing was done through a state CS office or a contractor of theirs he can call and get a copy of the results for free.

Good luck. tew

Gemini1,

I cannot not get counseling at the church, because I am so embrassed and hurt that I don't want anyone to know about this.

I just want to stop crying over this. When will he talk to me about all this? When I do talk I say things in the past tense, and he tells me to stop that because we will make it through this, and that he loves me and want the marriage to work. Why didn't his love for me tell him not to do that. I will try to ask questions like you said without attacking him, but it is very hard to do. Will I ever be able to trust him again?

Thanks again for talking to me and giving me advice. I just feel so alone.

TEWJTM,

Thanks for the information. I will see if h can get that information. I really wanted h to have a test done with a private company. I am hearing people tell me that when the courts have the DNA, it all show that the man is the father, and their have been cases when they went private the test was different and the man was not the father.

Thanks again

Hello,
Maybe your H can just ex-OW for another DNA test that you guys will pay for privately? He can tell OW that since you did not give a sample that I would like one done seperately with your sample too.

Oh, yeah, well since OC would have been born two months early even with gesteribial diabetes it would be probably weigh less than 6 pounds. OC lungs would not have been develop then. MAybe, your H can ask to see the medical records of OC.

Dawn

IDMHVM You are not alone. All of us here have been through this. I promise it will get better with time if you and H are committed to one another.

Please read everything you can from the home page on this site. It helps a great deal.

Go somewhere to seek counseling. Your church is a good place if you are short of money. Keeping it all in will not help you. Go alone if you must.

I felt the same as you, as did many here.

Before you can walk, you must crawl. Counseling gets the ball rolling.

Love
Debi

<small>[ January 23, 2003, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>

Gemini 1

Thanks for the support. I know that I/we need counseling, but I really don't think I am strong to tell the pastor about this.

He likes h so much, and is always thinking about him because he is also in the army reserves and might have to fight this war. So I have some many things on my mind.

Again thanks for your support, and hope to hear from you again.

Love

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He likes h so much, and is always thinking about him because he is also in the army reserves and might have to fight this war. So I have some many things on my mind.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pastor likes you too! Do not hide your H's mistake from embarrassment. Please. If church is all you can do now, then do it, IDMHVM!

Honey you are hurting and your H isn't helping by telling you he doesn't remember. That apparently is not helping you.

Go alone for now if he won't join you. Your pain and shock are fresh. You need help. This is a horrible discovery to happen in ones private married life. Simply disgusting. Your pastor will be compassionate and begin to help you alone AND with H if he's willing. MAKE THE CALL.

love
Debi

Gemini 1,

I know that I need to go to counseling, and I will do that with or with h. I know that I need to speak with my pastor about this. I will speak with him soon. I just don't know where to start or how to tell him without me crying all over the place. My h has broken my heart into a billion little pieces and I am trying to adjust. I am trying to be strong for the children, because I don't want them to find out about this.

Why don't he want to talk about this? Is it because it hurts him, and he don't want to help me anymore? Well, I am already hurt and just want to know how and why it happen. Am I wrong for asking questions?

Thanks for you support

IDMHVM,
Good girl! seek your pastors help. You will cry all over the place, it's an expected emotion.

As far as questions, it is painful for your H too. When they see the devastation of their actions impact the ones they love, they just want to forget. To make it go away. They use anger as a defense.

You are still in shock. I cried daily for months! Talking to somone will help you and your H. It's a step in the right direction.
Hang in there. Pray for peace and direction.
love
Debi