Hello,

I really need some advice/wisdom to help me deal with the situation my now fiancee has created for us. I've been reading here for awhile, but didn't want to post because I'm so embarrassed about what is going on in my life.
Let me give you all a little background on who I am and my relationship before I get into the problem. I'm 25 and my fiancee is 32, we have been together for about 3 years on-and-off(mostly on). I have a child and he doesn't have any(biologically), but my child has only known him as far as a father goes. During one of our break-ups, I began seeing someone else and ended up getting pregnant by him. My fiancee was NOT happy and we stayed apart for quite some time afterward because he said he didn't know if he could deal with the fact that I had a child and it wasn't his. He was so crushed, but he's not the type to show a whole lot of emotion so he acted like it didn't bother him as much as I knew it really did.
He and I were separated for almost a year and are just now really doing well(we've been back together for about 4 months). The thing is, when he and I were separated he started dating this totally ghetto, uneducated, low-class tramp. Why? I wish I knew. We were living apart during this time, and he actually went so far as to move this tramp into his apartment WITH her 2 children(by 2 different fathers)and allowed those kids to call him DADDY!!! He took this girl to his parents' home, he spent so much money on this tramp($14,500!), she stole his VISA and took $1000, destroyed thing at his apartment, her kids would wreck the house all the time, and she would even call me asking me why I was DISRESPECTING HER by talking and seeing him!!!!
He and I would talk almost everyday during the time we were separated, but it would be over the cellphone while he was out. I didn't even know about what was going on until I had to call very late one night to the house phone and SHE answered it. I was so pissed! I cussed her and then I tried to call him on his cell, but she went and turned that off. I freaked out on him the next day, and he was trying to make excuses for himself. After that, I was so upset and confused. It just got worse because about a month after that he tells me she's pregnant but he doesn't know if it's his because he caught her calling some other guy from the house phone.
Needless to say, now I know how he felt when I did that to him even though we weren't formally together. I don't know how to tell him I'm sorry for what I put him through without bringing up a huge issue that seems to be subsiding. I makes me cry as I sit here and type this out. I want to have more children and it will make it so hard to do that if this turns out to be his child. Money isn't the issue, but the fact that his family is so upset that he's possibly fathered the first biologial grandchild with a tramp. That should be OUR baby. MY child should be OUR baby. Now because of this he doesn't know if he wants to father any children, and I want one with him so much.
To make things worse, xOW is playing some major games. He obviously made her and her kids move out of his apartment which pissed her off. She tried to draaaaag it out by saying they didn't have anywhere to go, how could he do that to her when she's preganat with his baby, then she said she was 'spotting and cramping' about 4 different times, the typical crap. He and his friends finally packed up her stuff for her and put it on the lawn of her friend's house after about 2 weeks of her haggling with him to stay. When he was getting ready to leave after dropping her things off, she put her hands on him and tried to block him from leaving. He took her hands off of him, told her not to touch him, and left. She called the police and told them that he beat her up as he getting ready to leave.
He got arrested, spent 2 days in jail, and when he got out he had to go to court for a restraining order that she took out against him. In the order she said that he had abused her son(has ADHD, goes into tantrums a lot), that he had abused her in the past, and had threatened to kill her(he has to go back to court on that stuff next month). I know he didn't do that stuff, and he has a sister and a roommate that will vouch for him too. She went into court acted up and showed her true ghetto self, and even had the nerve to ask the jugde if he could be at the birth and the doctor's appointments because they were going to get back together after he went to classes for his temper! WTF!?! She's continued to try to pass messages asking of he's going to at the birth, etc., and how her pregnancy is so complicated(early ctx, she's 6 mos), etc., and how she wants him back. Who effin cares about her pregnancy! Not me.
He said he'll sign over custodial right to the child if it's his because she'll try to make things so difficult(she knows were back together). What happens if that child is his? What do I do then? He knows that he'll lose everything he has if he has anything to do with her, I'll leave him, his family will disown him, and he won't have anything. Why is she doing this!? Doesn't she understand that she can't take my place? I called her tonight with out him knowing and told her that her game is up, to stop trying to ruin peoples' lives with her lies, and that I would have her arrested for a violation of the order if she didn't stop trying to pass messages. I also told her that until DNA was proven that her child/pregnancy didn't exist and so, NO, he won't be at the birth. She was just silent on the other end of the phone, so asked her if I made myself clear, she didn't answer, and I said "I guess so", and hung up.
Please don't flame me for what I said about her because I know all to be fact. I used to work in the same office with her, not closely, but close enough to know what her deal is. I wish things could be civil(it isn't the kid's fault it's mother got pregnant on purpose to try to trap it's father-yes, she said she got pg on purpose), but it will never be that way. Please someone help me understand what's going on.

Jasmine

Jasmine,

Well, you really do have a major problem here, and I hope that you get some wonderful advice soon. I had a question for you, though. You stated that you'd gotten pregnant during a "seperation", and you also stated that you had a child, but I can't figure out if that child and the child from your P mentioned above are the same? Also, if so, does your fiance accept this child, and love it as his own?

I ask this because if that's the case you have a very good chance that your future M could work out. But, with the past history, on both your parts, you will both want this M for all you're worth! OW/possible OC aside, this is some major stuff to deal with! I would recommend that you both come to this site, and read anything and everything that is either posted, recommended, anything that can make your relationship to eachother stronger! If you don't, and you get married while still at this stage of things, I can guarantee that your M won't last very long at all! I'm not trying to tell you not to marry this guy, or that he shouldn't marry you, just that you both need to rebuild that relationship foundation before you take that major step.

I hope that I helped in some way, and Welcome to the boards!

Tigger

You and the OW both have children from two different fathers, you are 25 and looking to have more children with your boyfriend. That is awfully young to set the wheels in motion for a dysfunctional lifestyle that will impact you forever and set your children up for a lifetime of disadvantages by having half sibs and no father.

Why do women think they are not complete unless they have a man when so many men are basically children themselves these days? Why do some women think that by having a child that somehow this gives them some importance or implies they have accomplished something of importance without thinking of the long term ramifications of their actions and the guaranteed suffering of their young? I guess I just feel so bad for women today who are so caught up in thinking that this lifestyle is acceptable when it never was before and shouldn't be now. This kind of societal (decay) acceptance has ruined millions of lives by taking away the stigma of having children out of wedlock and short changing the childrens lives and sentencing them to a life of fatherless and dysfuncitonal formative eyars that set the stage for the next generation.

How about neither or you have anymore children and get out of your male dependency, and get an education and get a career and out of this misereable way to live? By focusing on this melodrama when no one is married to anyone and there are no commitments made anywhere is a waste of everyone's time which could be used to better your own life, change your life into something of dignity for your childrens's sake.

None of this has been a flame, Jasmine, it is just so disturbing to see young women throw away their lives on some guy who is not worthy while sabotaging the rest of their life and that of their children.

I wish you well and I hope and pray you will focus on getting your life together and away from all this unnecessary drama.

Jasmine,
I don't doubt what you say. However, if this is his child then you look forward to approximately 18 years of 24% of his income going to OW/OC and he most likely will have to deal w/ her on some level. Men often say they do not want their child. However, often after paternity is established they do have a desire to see/bond w/ their child. Good luck. tew

Thanks for the responses.

Tigger,
I have read some of your posts and I know you truly understand where I'm coming from on this subject. To clarify, I only have 1 child, an 11-month-old girl and my fiancee does accept her as his own now. It took a while for him to come to terms with the fact that she isn't biologically his, but he did and he loves her more than life. I know we can't married right now because of the problems at hand, we wouldn't last long if we did. Thank you so much for your advice, please keep it coming.

Catnip,
Your response took me back a little because it came across as harsh. I know what I did was very wrong, I never wanted to have children out of wedlock and I certainly didn't want anyone other than my fiancee to father any child of mine. Things didn't go as I had planned, and I take full responsibility for that. I have a great career and I can take care of myself. I'm not a woman without integrity, I'm doing the best I can to make right what I made wrong. Do I want to have more children? Yes, but I will be married before I do so. I just asked for some help from this board, I don't want to piss anyone off with my questions. I don't know how to deal with this reversal and I especially don't know how to deal with this crazy woman trying to make trouble.

tew,
I have thought about what you said long before you said it, it scares me to death. I know he won't and can't have contact with her because he has too much to lose. Money isn't an object and we'll pay whatever is due to the child according to state guidelines, that's not the issue. My issue is the fact that she's trying to destroy our lives by making false allegations of abuse and death threats.

I am so disappointed in him for getting involved with someone of such low class, but you know what they about payback. I have really been doing some soul searching lately, maybe if I start going back to church things will get better. He and I have been talking a lot about getting more involved with God, I think it would be a good thing. All of this stuff is tearing me apart and I don't know where to turn anymore, so here I am.

Jasmine

Jasime-

Your story both saddens and shocks me. I can't say that I have any great suggestions for you, but I do have a question.

Why stay with this man? (I hope that's not disrespectful to ask).

This entire situation seems like such chaos. Everything, from start to finish is so very chaotic and doesn't seem likely to get better.

This man is not your husband nor is he your childs father. There is no question in my mind that you love him, it just seems that you'd be beginning a marriage under suck dire circumstances unless everybody involved is willing to make major change.

Jasmine,

You state:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He and I have been talking a lot about getting more involved with God, I think it would be a good thing. All of this stuff is tearing me apart and I don't know where to turn anymore, so here I am. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That, right there, is the most important thing that I have read from you at this point! There is one place that you can NEVER go wrong, and that's in your walk with God! If you both keep your eyes and minds on Him and what He wants for your lives, you will be happy, no matter the outcome! You both need to get right with God first, before you can even try to get right with eachother!

Just had to comment, as it hit me, that you may already know how to deal with this situation! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Tigger

Hello and Welcome.

Is he your h now?