ok the first question should be easy to answer.
what is poja.......i can't figure out what that stands for?
second question:
my H started his A only 4 months after we got married. And all though it wasn't continueous he was cheating on me either sexually or by phone sex for about 3 years. We've been M for only 3 1/2 before my Dday but together for 7. So WHAT kind of M am I trying to save here. I SWEAR that we had a good marriage, sexually, emotionally we were great together. He swears that the A had nothing to do with me or a bad M but his low self worth and fear of being M. He really seems committed to doing what ever it takes to make our marriage work out but all I can think about is that WE were NEVER truely married in the first place. It was Him, 3OW, phone sex, internet stuff and ME. I think we would call him a "cake eater". I TOTALLY understand saving a marriage that has a good foundation to build off of but what kind of foundation did I have if he started screwing around right away? Or does that not really matter?
third: which will be hard to answer
when will i stop crying and feeling SO much pain. I have a nervous break down in my car every night on the way to pick up my DS and then I put on a brave face until I put him to bed and then cry myself to sleep at night. I barely make it through work w/o crying and usually cry at my desk a few times a week. I FEEL so much loss and confusion why this happens to good people? PLEASE HELP ME!!!!

Hello,
I just wanted to say it does get better with time. And you are the only person that can answer the question is it worth it to stay with him. This is if you truly want to work this out. Has your H changed a lot? He is recommitted to the marraige? The marriage can work if that is what your H and you want. Have you gone to the docotor? Maybe, they can give something to help you cope.

Dawn

Be strong I am in some similiar shoes very difficult to stay. See HELP my story. Every day is a different day some good and some bad. With God, church, MC, H support to help me cope with this I feel strong enough to know we can make it. Have a lot to lose if we break up. No children together however, I have 2 teenagers. He had child with OW of different race. I will Survive and so will you. God bless you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi this,

To answer your first question. The Policy of Joint Agreement, or POJA, is a technique central to the MB philosophy. It states: do NOTHING without an enthusiastic agreement between spouses. It requires honesty and negotiation skills---and an absence of lovebusting to work well. One person can practice the POJA alone (surprisingly)---it boils down to NEVER GAIN AT YOUR SPOUSE'S EXPENSE. If you haven't read through the Concepts and Q&A sections on the website here, please do---they will explain a lot, and help you in making decisions about your marriage.

Your second question is tough. If you seemingly had a good marriage, and your husband was pretty happy with you meeting needs (and you weren't lovebusting), then the issues with the affair fall into his lap---sex addiction, failure to protect himself against affair situations, etc. He could change, but he's got work to do to establish a good track record with you. Your marriage certainly wasn't ideal, and using a Catholic stance (the Catholic line is "no divorce"), you certainly would have grounds for an annulment (which means your marriage never truly existed).

The answer to your third question is that processing this takes some time. You're suffering from a combination of post-traumatic stress and situational depression, and I'd encourage you to see your doctor for a consult on medications to treat this.

Let me answer last question first: You can get some kind of medication for your nervous breakdowns, I did. But as far as the hurt, I cannot personally answer that. They say time heals all wounds and that that does not kill you will make you stronger. I have been going through the same thing for the past 2 years and at this moment I have not even begun to heal, since the affair is still going on and my husband does have a baby by OW.

Let me answer last question first: You can get some kind of medication for your nervous breakdowns, I did. But as far as the hurt, I cannot personally answer that. They say time heals all wounds and that that does not kill you will make you stronger. I have been going through the same thing for the past 2 years and at this moment I have not even begun to heal, since the affair is still going on and my husband does have a baby by OW.

Let me answer last question first: You can get some kind of medication for your nervous breakdowns, I did. But as far as the hurt, I cannot personally answer that. They say time heals all wounds and that that does not kill you will make you stronger. I have been going through the same thing for the past 2 years and at this moment I have not even begun to heal, since the affair is still going on and my husband does have a baby by OW.

Let me answer last question first: You can get some kind of medication for your nervous breakdowns, I did. But as far as the hurt, I cannot personally answer that. They say time heals all wounds and that that does not kill you will make you stronger. I have been going through the same thing for the past 2 years and at this moment I have not even begun to heal, since the affair is still going on and my husband does have a baby by OW.

Let me answer last question first: You can get some kind of medication for your nervous breakdowns, I did. But as far as the hurt, I cannot personally answer that. They say time heals all wounds and that that does not kill you will make you stronger. I have been going through the same thing for the past 2 years and at this moment I have not even begun to heal, since the affair is still going on and my husband does have a baby by OW.

Hi, I understand when you say that your husband cheated on you from the beginning. My husband did the same and his affair lasted the 6 years of our marriage. He has a 5 year old daughter. I too have my breakdowns. Its been 7 months since I found out and I still cry about it. You will have to decide whether your willing to forgive your H and if he is willing to try to mend the M. It a hard journey to take but as time goes by you will answer your own question if its worth it to save the marriage.