I had a very rough day today. It has been a little over a month now that I have found out about the other child. The last time I was crying was about five days ago. But today was hard, and I just don't know why.

I just wanted to slap my h. I was piss off with the ow, because I feel in my heart that she thought h would leave me when he found out that she was carrying his child.

Am I suppose to be glad that he wants me and not her? I am just still hurt over this whole mess. I look at the things that need to be fix around the house, things our own children need and can't afford at this time to get, because of this cs, and I just want to slap him again.

I just don't feel the same about him, but I do love him. Will the feeling I had for him come back? I would get just weak when he touch me because I was so in love with him. Now when he touch me I feel nothing.I enjoyed when he hug me,but again I feel nothing.I was so proud of my h, I loved to say my h this and my h that, now I don't even want to say the word h. Is this because I am afraid of getting hurt again.

I don't ever want to see this oc. I don't dislike the child, but I am glad that he wants no contact because I would not be able to deal with it.

I wander what does the ow look. Is this normal? I think about them sleeping together, and again I just want to slap him. His body was for my eyes only, and he did it with someone else, and this was a one night stand.

When I think about what he has done to our family and marriage I just get sick to my stomach. H has always told me that he would never hurt me, but he did. When I ask him how did this happen he states he don't know and he just made a dumb mistake and that he loves me and want to make the marriage work.

I don't want anyone to know about this mess he has gotten me into. Everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage and that he loves me so much. If he loves me so much, why did he sleep with someone else. I get so upset because if the situation was switch he would probably try to break my neck.

When my mind starts to wander, I ask GOD to please take this situation and put it in his hands, but it was so hard to do today.

I pray everyday that the pain will not be so hard. I know that I must wait on GOD, because he always have a plan.

I know that I am probably not making sense today, but I just feel so along, and just want the pain to go away and to try to move on with my life.

Sorry you are having a bad day. As my grandmother used to say this too shall pass. The curiosity you feel about OW is normal. Also the anger at H is very normal. Hopefully with time and healing you will get your relationship back. It will never be the same and you most likely will never look at H the same, but it can get better. Hope this helps a little. Continue to read, post, and take care of yourself. tew

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I know just how you feel! Hang in there, amazingly time will heal some of the pain. I think you are probably just coming out of the shock of the whole situation, and nothing but time will heal the wounds (never completely, though). I DID run into the OW at the local rec. centre (3 months to the day after dday) with my husband (she got on the treadmill next to us, can you believe it??!!). Their relationship lasted 3 years, so it is very painful. To add insult to injury, "their son" was in childcare with our son and I had to go and pick our little guy up. Make you want to throw up or what!! I just wanted you to know that there is someone else who has felt all the same emotions that you are, and actually survived it! It has been 1 year since I found out, we are still together, things are far from perfect and truthfully I'm not sure that our marriage will survive. Having said that, I do not regret for one minute putting in a year to really give our marriage a chance. Love and prayers with you...

IDMHVM,

Your grief is still really fresh and raw and normal. It's devastating, overwhelming, but really really normal.

My post for newbies talks about taking care of yourself and our emotions of fury, sadness etc... There really WILL be a better tomorrow, eventually! Recovery from affair is said to be 2y., and gradual. It's worth trying.

Are you getting any counseling? Following MB principles? Working on recovery?

Be gentle with yourself.
God be with you,
J
in recovery 4.5y and glad I stayed

Tewjtm, Jillian 8 and Jenny,

Thanks so much for your support. I really have no one to talk to about this problem. I can't even tell my best friend(who is like a sister to me).

We are not receiving conseling because we just really cannot afford it. I am starting to read the Basic Concept.

I just wish that someday I will love my h like I did before all of this happen. Since I have been posting some ladies say that their marriage is better, and some just don't know if they can make it. I have been married 20 years(dated 9 years). I gave my h 29 years of my life, and now I feel so dumb and hurt.

I can't sleep very feel. I starting to lose weight.My mind wanders off. I could drop off a few pounds, but did not want to lose it this way.

I have asked him to go get the genetic testing papers from the courts, because he states it said it was 99.9%.I still have not received them. I still find this hard to beelive
99.9 when he states she did not give a sample. The court papers I found states that she conceived the child in or about 2/21. But the child was born in 9/00, when it should have been 11/00. H don't know if it was full term or born early. I just have these feeling that something is just not right.I want a private company to do another test, but don't know if ow would agree, and is it worth the money since the courts did the test.

I would ask h how did he let this happen. Where did this happen? Was this really a ONS? H states it was a ONS, but he does not know how it happen and/or when it happen. If I cheated on my h I would remember that day. H does not want to talk about it, he states he is sorry and don't want me to leave him and he will do any and ever thing to make it work. I had my tubes fix, because he was afraid to get hisself fix. I asked him a few weeks ago(because I was piss off) would he get fix now, and he tells me yes and I told him the damage is done now, what good is it. I should just let him do it just for the pain in would be in for a little while.(Sorry I know I should not say that)I don't think he would ever do this again, but I did not think he would do it at all and look at what happen. I might just insist he get his self fix. What do you think?

I know he hurts will bad when I talk to him about this. But like I said I don't really care about his feeling at this time.

I think crazy things: Like hiring a PI and getting information on this ow, because I don't know who she is or nothing. I know she knows about me and where we live. What is stopping her from coming to my house to start some s##t, but she is not contacted me yet.

I know she asked my h to be in this child's life, but he told her no. The oc is almost 3 and he states he only seem him at the courts for the blood in 2001. I don't really feel sorry for her because she knew he was married, and she did not care he wanted her to get rid of the baby, but she said she wanted to have another child. So because she wanted another child, my family must suffer with $$ problems. This is a cold world. Don't get me wrong he is also at fault. I really feel like she plan all of this and he was to dumb to see it. We must both deal with this cs for another 15 years, this would have been years for us to relax and enjoy ourselves not to pay ow for cs. He wants until 41 to do something stupid.

I pray so hard that maybe she would get married again(h states she is divorce)and man would adopt the oc so h could stop paying cs. Am I wrong for feeling this way? But I know she will hang on to this cs for the next 15 years.

I know that I must not question GOD, but where was he. Why didn't he stop this? What is he trying to time me? I left my church two years ago to be with h at him church,because a family needs to worship together. I just don't understand. What is the plan? I pray and pray that GOD will show me the answers and help me through this painful situation.

I am sorry for venting so much, but you ladies are all that I have. Please keep in touch I still need your support. If you want my e-mail address just let me know. I just need someone to talk to I am so lonely.

I know you ladies love me and I thank you so very much for the support. I will stop because I am starting to cry.

Love you all

--------
Married 20(dated 9 years)
d-day 12/17/02(I guess that was my xmas gift)
oc born 9/00
no contact

Our situation is very similar (lucky us) I feel your pain and know exactly what you are going thru. I read your posts say that's how I am feeling so if the saying is true misery loves company I guess I should say "Welcome". I have been going thru this for close to 4 months I have not told a soul about by nightmare but my doctor and therapist my sister and best friend know somethings up with me because I have changed and I just told them that I am going thru some kind of depression from the change and they seem okay with that so they watch out for me but for different reasons. I feel bad about that but on my list for thing to feel bad about thats on the bottom. I love my H and hate my H all at the same time. I also put in 22yrs M and 5 yrs dating so close to 30 yrs of my life with this man and this is what I get. The anger scares me sometimes I have said things that would curl your toes and fight I never ever raise my hand to anyone but boy my H got a good licken. I not proud of any of this but this is where I am and how I feel. I hope the pain goes away and I do have good days more than I use to so thats a good thing. I can't wave the magic wand and make it go away for you but I will be here and I can listen and let you vent I don't have much advice since I'm still in the thick of it but I care and I will always be here for you. Stay strong!!!

Ij1122,

I am so sorry for all of us. We gave our h's so many years of our life, and this is what we get in returned. I too love my h and than dislike him all in the same breath. I pray that this will go away.

When he wants to get close to me I think about the ow, and he tells me that ONS did not mean anything to him. Well, I ask him why did it happen, and he cannot explain. Sex between us was real great. So, I ask myself why did this happen. I don't even want him to touch me now, but I still love him. Is this normal?

I just have somemany feeling running through my body that I just cannot explain. I start thinking and say what if something happen to this ow, will h have to take the child, because he is the bio-father. I hope not because I never want contact with the oc. I am glad that he does not want contact, because if he did I don't think I would still be here with him. This has created a real bad $$ problems for us, and I hope we will be able to survive this $$ problem, because it is not looking good at all with our own children to take care of.

Please lets continue to talk, because I think we all need each other. If you ever want to talk by e-mail just let me know.

I am so glad that GOD lead me to this site. I will continue to put all of you in my prayers.

Love

---------
married 20(dated 9 years)
d-day 12-17-02
oc born 9/00
no contact

IDMHVM

How are you today? Hey, about getting fix. You know my H wanted to get fix and finally did a little to late about 6 months after OC was conceived. He really did not want any more kids after our second one and said fine get fix, but he said that I needed to make all the arrangements. I told him he had to find all this out. Then I got pregnant again and then he kept saying I want to get fix. Well, then a month later he had sex with OW and she got pregnant. I don't understand his thinking. Well, I finally called the docotor and told he had to call this number and talk to them because I did not know all the information they needed. Then he finally went in and got fix.

Dawn

To all of you here that are new:

I have been married a long time also. We will celebrate our 29th anniversary in March.

I know your pain. I know God can help and with fresh pain it seems HE never answers, because all we want is to feel normal again, to have a hangnail be the worst thing that happened that day.

The nightmare seems unbearable at times. Ow runs rampant through your mind as does the escapades H shared with them. All normal. All painful. All normal.

I promise you it will get better. If you want your marriage/H then get the ball rolling w/counseling and reading. With talking honestly to a POJA.

If H is at all interested he'll comply, if not do a strong plan B and protect what love you have left for H.

It will make or break you.

Become the woman you need to be if it kills you and it almost does.

You will become independant in time and learn the difference between love and needy, or just because you are used to it....I promise in two years...or even one... you will see another part of you that you didn't know existed.

Pray. Counsel. Read. Talk. Plan A. Plan B=
A new and wonderful you. You can do it.

I pray for all of you each day. It takes one to know one, eh?

love
Debi

Dawn 71,

I did a little ok today I think that happen because our daughter was sick and we had to take her to the hospital. So my mind was really on her. But there were a couple of times that I looked at h and wanted to just slap the mess out of him for not considering his family first, when he and his ow got involved.

I also had to go to doctor for check-up and got an name for a doctor. Since h states he wants to get fix, I will just help him. I will give him the name today, and see what he say.

How are you doing?

Thanks for your support

Gemini 1,

Thanks for the information. I guess I am just still in shock, but I know I will have to get some counseling with or without h.

Any plans for your 29 wedding anniversary? Did you do conseling for a long time? Did your h go with you? What is counseling like?

Thanks for your support

I know how you feel I hate for my H to touch me. I have good days/bad days. OC conceived by OW of different race. H first child he and I have none together however, I have two from previous relationship. Not sure where this road will take me. I believe in GOD and have faith but, I question it sometimes not sure my story is very deep also. Good luck to you!

Butterflie,

Do you think these feeling that we have about not wanting h to touch us will pass? There are somedays when I just want him to hold me and make everything go back to the way it was. Then I have those days that I cannot stand for him to touch me because I than think about him and the ow. When this happen I just want to slap the mess out of him.

I have a strong faith in GOD, but I sometimes say GOD why did you let this happen, and I know we are not suppose to question GOD, because he has a plan for us.

I just get so upset, because h does not want to talk about what happen. If he loves me so much, why did he have this one weak moment. He still me he just don't know. That answer is not good enough for me. I know that a part of me still love him, but it is lost somewhere right now.

He states that he does not want to have any contact with oc. If he did I know that I would not be able to try and rebuild the marriage, because I just don't want to have anything to do with this child. I hope this does not sound to harsh, but this is how I feel.

I know GOD will see us through this. Just keep
praying.

Hope to hear from you again.

--------
Married 20 years(dated for 9 years)
d-day 12/17/02
4 children
oc born 9/00

I have been asking myself the same question. I even told my husband the other day I keep thinking of him and the ow and it is sickening. He continues to tell me how things will be in the future and that it will disappear. I however, am on the same level with you. I hate him and love him all at the same time. Today I have been feeling like I want out at any means possible. We will be going to court for the OC on the 25th of February. If the ow shows up it will be the first time I get to see her. Then I can put a face with the body I visualize him making love to. I guess the reasons for all of us are so different as far as contact with OC and whether or not to stay and work things out in the marriages. This child is my h first and I couldn't have kids anymore so now he has one. Right now he is working on our marriage overtime doing everything humanly possible to rebuild. I believe he is very sincere however, I still hate him for what he has done to our lives for 18 or so more years. My son will be 18 in March and my daughter will be 15 in June. The good thing about all this is now that he has one I can quit prolonging having a hysterectomy that I have needed for years in hopes of having a tubal reversal. I do not have to go through the pain I having been feeling with endiometriosis. God knew how bad I wanted him to have a baby and now that it has happened and I was shown through dreams about the baby. Things happen for a reason it is a very hard thing for me to deal with but, I am very strong and I am willing to try but, I will not be a fool any longer if it is not for us I will be strong enough to move on somewhere down the line. I am sorry for dragging on and on but,I needed someone to chat with. Be strong I will support you as much as I can.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Butterflie,

You can chat as long as you want. I am here to help you also.

I get so piss off because our baby is 14 and I assume we would be able to live a little in about another 7 years all the children would be on there own. Now he has made a baby with this ow and must pay cs for another 15 years. I just dislike him so much for this. This cs is causing real bad $$ problems, and I just don't know how we are going to make it. I cry alot, and he don't want me to cry, because he states that I am just makeing myself sick, and it hurts him to see me like this. No, he is making me sick. Why can't he answer my questions?

I have never seen the ow, all I know is that they at one time work together, but no longer do. I have this feeling that she knows what I look like and where we live. I do feel that she plan all of this s**t, and he was so dumb that he felted for it. She wants him to be in the oc life and he told her no. Did she really think that if she got p and kept the child that he would leave me? I did not even found out about this mess until 12/17/02, and that the oc was born 9/00. There was some things that I would had look into, that he did not. I am just so upset with him. I gave this man 29 years of my life, and look what happen to me.

Well, I guess I will stop venting, talk to you later.

Be strong. I cried a lot in the early days found out 11/11/02 child was 4 months old then. Do not let the other woman win. OW also thought my h would leave me for her but, we proved her wrong. I hurt everyday also believe me without God and the strong support of my husband I would not have come this far. I have two children that need me and I will not let this thing defeat me. You pray and get your mind right and beat this thing you can do if I can so can you. Many years ago my ex boyfriend had me and another woman pregnant at the same time and I came through that one and now I will overcome this one. Dif [/LIST] ferent circumstances but, still a tragedy you know. Be strong it is not easy I know this but, talk to the man up above. If God brings you to it, he will see you through it. Live for the present, not the past. Talk to you soon.

IDMHVM,

Your story is so very similiar to mine. As I was reading, it was unbeivable how much our lives seemed to parallel. It's only been a few weeks for me and I have cried every day since 1/5/03. We started MC on 1/23. I'm trying to stay positive, hopeful and just sane. I'm so glad that I happened upon this website.

Michel

Butterflie,

I will not let the ow win, because I know she wanted the marriage to end. These past few days have been kind of hard. I just find myself crying, and I just get so upset with my h. I pray and ask GOD to please help me through this. I know that I must be strong for the children, but right now it is so hard. Everyone thinks I am so strong, but I need a shoulder this time.

I think of the times when we were so happy and so much in love. h states that he loves me even more, I now that I still love him, but I just don't feel it right now.

Thanks for listening to me.

MFH

I am still crying also and trying to deal with this. If you want to talk I am here to help if I can and to listen.