I have considered adoption, but as a mom already it is all the more difficult to imagine. Like abortion, it is an option that makes sense for all concerned, but not so easy to follow through with. I wasn't on birth control, it's true, only because I had a problem with migraines and visual disturbances while on it. So I thought I was being careful enough- he used a condom and I used vcf film- double protection. I was certianly concerned about pregnancy, but also disease. I wasn't seeing anybody else, but I worried about him possibly cheating with other women. And I honestly convinced myself that if I did get pregnant I would simply have an abortion. I wasn't prepared for how unsimple that choice would be. Of course, the time I became pregnant we were less careful. We ran into each other one night while out and weren't prepared. Unfortunately we were both drunk at the time and didn't use good judgement. I had used the film when I realized we might be able to get together that night, but neither one of us had a condom. I thought I was protected at least from pregnancy, but 96% effective is 4% too much of a risk, I've realized too late. I was angry coming out of the abusive relationship. I had played the martyr most of my life, always putting everyone else first and was tired of being stepped on. I knew it was selfish but was at a moment in my life when I was doubting everything I believed in and stood for. I wanted to be selfish for a bit. I fell into the lie that if she never knew no one would get hurt. And some of the posts suggest it would be better for her to know. After the pregnancy happened I had at times thought the same thing, that if it was me I would want to know too. It's just that my old martyr, nice girl personality inevitably returned, and I am struggling with tremendous guilt. I feel now like I was selfish to not have an abortion. And yet I had felt before that doing so was too selfish to the unborn child. I think it does make sense that she should have the chance to know the truth about her husband, but how do I really bring myself to be the one to open up all this hurt and anguish and possibly destroy lives? I still feel so uncertian about what is morally right or wrong at this point. The child deserves to be supported but is the emotional cost worth it? An affair is one thing, but a child being created out of it is so much worse, I know I couldn't forgive him or forget that if I was the wife. Are you guys sure it was better to know? It is awful to think of being continually deceived by your husband but wouldn't ignorance be bliss in this situation? Especially considering in this case, she can't have children of her own. Thank you again for your insight. I am well aware I deserve any harsh words I receive.

Lostone,
You ask if it is "better to know".

In the short run, no: it's HORRIBLE pain. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

In the long run, yes! Because, until both married people (esp. wandering spouse!!) uncover, together, what issues are upsetting things within in their marriage, it cannot improve. It would be better if they did this WITHOUT an Affair( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ), but, since it happened, and particularly since it created a child, it is better to know. The longer Wandering Spouse keeps it a secret, the MORE betrayed the feelings of the betrayed.

Hope that helps. (see also your other post)
J

<small>[ January 27, 2003, 06:00 AM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>