You said, in part:

1) people shouldn't let their hatred of the OW/WH spill over onto innocent children.
<s>
Also, have no fear, I will have "nothing left to say on this" either. Yikes ... the hostility is far too scary. Thank God the rest of the real-world isn't like this. Yikes.
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I'm sorry that you think this board is "so hostile"; it's not directed at you personally.

The newbies here are in a tremendous amount of pain and grief, on a par with losing a child. Their anger and hostility is understandable, and THIS is their safe place to vent! Sometimes it keeps them from further hurting their marriage.

You are WRONG that this is not "the real world". Unfortunately, this sorrow and anger is as real as any joy or normalicy that exists; this is the hurt that people cannot, do not express in public, but it is ABSOLUTELY REAL!!

I'm also sorry that you, and others, consistantly misunderstand that the anger of betrayed spouses is NOT usually directed at the child! Any normal adult can understand that affairs are not ANY child's fault! (DUH)

The issue is: can the married people, male or female, maturely handle sharing parenting of that child in their lives, a constant reminder to one of the most painful events in human life: adultery--??? That usually means contact with the person who your spouse committed adultery with--for 18y or more. It also means making the adultery public knowledge, trying to explain it to children of the marriage, family, etc.

Also, is it possible for all the parents and step-parents involved to act maturely, in the child's best interest, without any spite etc., throughout 18 years of the visitation process???

The answer is often, unfortunately, NO!!

That is not a reflection of hatred toward the Other Child. The results to the child are sad, but they are not personal. Sometimes it is better FOR THE CHILD, if some people stay OUT of his/her life.

I welcome you telling your story as an adult other child.

And if you are a compassionate person, you'll try to understand the difficult situations that many of us are in. Want to play judge and juror to MY story??

God be with you,
J
in recovery 4.5y and glad I stayed

They always turn it into a issue with the child. It seems to be a way to take blame off of them, if you ask me. It's about the ADULTS involved (if you could call some of these people adults...)

And who would "they" be?

The ones who ALWAYS turn it into an issue with the child when you are addressing the actions of the adults involved. THEY know who they are.

1) I never said everyone here, did I? I said some do, some don't. Some don't, and I honestly do believe them. Some admit to hard feelings toward the child. Some change/evolve their opinion. Some say they don't, but then when a feeding frenzy thread occurs, they say things that kind of bely their assertions. (Shrug.) From what I've seen of the archives, I'd say it pretty much covers the spectrum.

2) The real world that I refer to is the one outside these boards. Where people don't say the things that they do here. Where people don't get as upset by OCs as they do here. How many times have I read posts on BW boards about society as a whole not condemning infidelity like they wished it would? I mean, I've seen more than a few frustrated BWs *themselves* complain that society at large doesn't have the view/condemnation they wish it did. As for me, no one in the community batted an eye about my parents or myself. There was no outcasting, stigma, or shunning that I ever saw. The church, the community clubs (read that "sewing circles") welcomed my parents as they would anyone else. Small town, relgious corner of the world, and I honestly didn't sense anything amiss. And this was 20-30 years ago, before society at large took an even more laid-back attitude. As a result, finding these boards just a few years ago was more than a small surprise.

Hmmm. Maybe when I say "real world", I should be more specific, and say "the mass of the society out there, that is outside this small arena of experience/boards, and is much more likely to simply shrug and be accepting in general". Example ... right before I found the online boards (indeed, what prompted me to even look in the first place), I watched a BW with OC in my place of work. She was talking with a group of us, including some women who were also young mothers. She had their sympathy (although, from an observational viewpoint, I'm tempted to call it "passive sympathy" ... mostly just a lot of nodding) up until she said some "hard hearted" things toward the child. For example, one word she pulled out of her had was "[censored]". My guess is that the other mothers perceived the word the way most average Joe's down the street perceive it ... as something you'd say to someone who just cut you off on the highway. Yes, I know it has multiple meanings in the dictionary. But out there, off these boards, outside of this world of BW/OC, they seemed to interpret it with the more swear/insulting style of use. That was what seemed to get a reaction from them. My humble guess is that it was because these were the same women who talked of their sweet little babies at home. For whatever reason, that word didn't sit well with them, that attitude/way of talking didn't sit well with them, and they started to react. Some merely started giving the BW a horrified look of "how could you say that". Some tried walking away like they didn't even want to be around her anymore.

So like I said, perhaps I should use words more like "society at large, outside of the BW/OC microcosm ... the same society I've seen BWs themselves complain about being too accepting."

3) You wouldn't want to hear my story. You wouldn't find it comforting.

(Sidenote to tit ... still trying to follow the action around I see. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ January 27, 2003, 12:44 PM: Message edited by: friendofk ]</small>

Opinions are like @$$holes, I've got one and I plan to exercise my right to it, just like you.

"fofk" you protest too much... makes me wonder if we are on to something here...

I don't know about anyone else here, but I can't recall much of what was said around when I was a youngster. So how is it "fofk" knows so much about what was said about her situation when she was born? Was her family behind closed doors with all the other families to hear all of the conversations held? Doubtful... Does she know what was said once they left a social function? Doubtful...

Please tell your story here, in all its HONESTY. It's just one in a million anyway...

No torn, I'm not psychic. But I do know how the neighbors/friends/teachers/community elders/etc. treated me, and I do know how they treated my family. I have posted my story multiple times on the other board, both before and after the crash. I know you've read it because you responded to it.

And since this is becoming yet another typical back and forth between you and I, I honestly don't see the point in continuing down that same, old, trodden road.

editing to add, Jenny, I'm glad we had a chance to communicate.

<small>[ January 27, 2003, 01:31 PM: Message edited by: friendofk ]</small>

Fine by me, you're the one who mentioned me in the first place. Have a nice day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />