I am new to this, but here is my story. Husband has been in pornography since he was 14 years old.
When we first got married I did not think it was a problem. Boys will be boys! We got married when our son was 11/2 years old and I thought he loved me. Well 2 years after we married he went on 1 one month trip for work had an affair but I did not know about it. He has been a christian all his life and I am still new at it. He changed when he got back. Would not go near our 5 month old baby girl and seemed always angry.(conviction) Then about two months later he told me he wanted to end our marriage. I asked him several times if he had an affair and his response was always the same. No. Well we did not get divorced but things did not get much better. Well he recently had another affair. His reason why it happened was that he was unhappy but did not want to get divorced. So if he could have his cake and eat it too he would. But she got pregnant. God in some way or another will reveal sin. You cannot hide from God. I still love my husband and want my children to have a full time father. I know what divorce does to kids. Its a life long healing. We are now at the point where WE are deciding to be in contact or not. My husband does not contact her except to tell her about paternity testing. She does call him, and he tends to keep this away from me and I get so angry when he does. I actually called her and left a message telling her to stop calling him at work and we will call her what we decide. If she did want to talk to him then call him at home where I am present. My husband is seeking coucelling from our pastor about this decision,
but he has already told me no contact for the sake of the marriage and family, they are first priority. The best we can do is pray for the other child and mother. Pray that she will be saved because of this situation. Right now I am depending totally on God that all this happened for a reason to glorify Him in some way that He will create something good out of this. My husband does not love me but says he is committed to our marriage. The love part bothers me because I believe I deserve to be loved and again I am trusting God in his own timing He will put that love back in his heart and will eventually come to full repentance. My biggest problem is fear that an affair will happen again and that love will never come. I still have visions of them together happy and having fun while I am at home running a buisness plus being a full time mother. Sometimes I wound if we ever meant to be together? But then I look at scripture and God does not make mistakes he plans every marriage and it is up to to keep his word hidden in our hearts. If it was really up to me I would have left when I found out about the affairs but I believe God was relling me otheriwse. And to love Him. I think my husdand other problem was pornography its an addiction and I have read studies that show that a good % of people who get into affairs have an addiction to pornography.
Anyways any advice on how to get over the hurt? And what are you opinions about contact or no contact.

Sorry for the length but I thought some background info would help.

Thanks AMRC

Hi AMRC

sorry for the pain u r going thru. So, let me get this straight, he says he doesn't love you and you are staying?

We have no contact by mutual decision of mother and my h. I left it up to them to decide that. BUt, I believe this choice has helped us heal our marriage.

Good Luck

ARMC,

I'm sorry for your pain.

Do you have a counselor or pastor that you can talk with? Couples counseling would be good! Have you read the Harley principles on this site, taken the quizzes, etc. Do you have any affair recovery books? Your both have to work on the marriage for it to get better.

I agree no contact is best until your marriage is better. It's important to show the XOW a united face. How far along is the pregnancy? There is no need for contact other than establishing paternity (DNA), establishing ch-support legally, and, if the time ever comes that you decide by POlicy of Joint Agreement to visitation, that can be settled legally, with you as the point of contact.

Also, could you please point me to a site or book that has the porn/affair statistics you mentioned?? I would LOVE to have them!!

God be with you,
J
in recovery 4.5y and glad I stayed

<small>[ January 27, 2003, 06:21 PM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

Hi ARMC,

I just want to say Welcome, and I'm very sorry for your pain.

I just found out 12/17/02, that h has oc that was born 9/00. So, as you can see I am very new to this also, and trying to get over the hurt.

h has only had contact with oc when he did the genetic testing on 4/01. He has decided that he does not want to have any contact with the oc, and I agree with this. If he did want to have contact I don't think that I would try and make the marriage work.

We both have a strong faith in GOD, and I know he has a plan for us. I sometimes ask GOD why did he let this happen.

We must just keep praying and praying.

Keep posting, hope to hear from you again.

--------
married 20years(dated 9 years)
d-day 12/17/02
4 children
oc born 9/00
no contact

Thanks for all who responded. The book that I read is The Affair of the Mind. He is the father of the child and at this point we are still unsure wheather we are going to have contact or not. Even though he says it is over between them months ago I believe he has a sex addiction problem. He is starting to recognize this by the grace of God and he is starting to seek help for this addiction. He had been with a lot of women prior to are marriage more then I knew as well as quite a few during our marriage on top of his recent affair. But this time he got caught again by the grace of God. I believe God did not want him to live that separate life any longer so He hit him with a two by four to help him realise that he has an addictionand he needs healing.