After reading so many of your stories I have much more insight into how complex this can be. Let me first say that I am an xOW who would not act out angrily and who is not interested in getting the H for myself. I knew the deal and it was not really an emotional affair. I don't want to break up a marriage. I believe that if I don't reveal what happened to the wife, that he will eventually cheat again and his infidelity or whatever problems he has that triggered his behaviour will come out in time anyway. I am still not sure it is my place to be the catalyst to open up this can of worms. I think it has to come from him if there will actually be anything positive out of it. Otherwise it will just seem like I am trying to cause trouble or break them up, and from all accounts here, the wife will resent me and the child. I want peace in mine and this child's lives if possible. Many of you have suggested that it would be better for the wife to know and that the child deserves financial support. But then I see that many of you have or are choosing no contact with the child to save the marriage. How hard that will be on the child is all I can think. To know that the father is paying support and aware of their existence, but has chosen to write them out of their lives emotionally. I grew up never knowing my real father. I was told very little about him and growing up it was just normal to me to not have a dad. I have chosen to leave it a mystery as to why he was absent in my life, as this is easier to deal with. It feels like less of a personal rejection that way. But knowing there is continued contact between the parents, even just financial, means that he continually has the option to be a part of your life and continually rejects that. That seems worse somehow. In my case with this pregnancy from an affair, the financial gain would be minimal and the pain and hassle it would cause tremendous. At first I thought every little bit helps, money wise, but now I feel it is probably not worth it. If his wife could forgive him and they wanted visitation (a long shot), then it might be worth it to the child IF everyone could be adults and not act resentful and somehow move on in forgiveness. But that seems like it is close to impossible to achieve. More realistic scenario in this case is that they end up divorced and the father will choose no contact out of resentment or will resent the child's place in his life because of all the trouble it would have caused. They are not Christian, and wife can't have kids, so I don't think it's likely she would stay in the marriage or, if she did, allow contact with the child. Given all this, since no contact is probably the end result anyway, wouldn't it be better for all concerned just to keep this buried? I am thinking more now that I should unless the father informs me he wants a relationship with the child in an onoing, committed way, regardless of what happens in his marriage. As some have said, it's not the child's fault this happened. Unless there is a lot of financial gain, what is the point of it all if the child still ends up without a father? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Lostone,

I've got lots of stories in my head for you; not sure how many you can stand at one time... esp. considering your condition and the difficult decisions you face.

Isn't it interesting, in a sad way, how history repeats and repeats itself? You are an abandoned child, and you've essentially repeated that history by getting pregnant by a married man.

In our case, the XOW had no contact from her biodad--basically repeating with (the circumstances of) her own children.

Is having financial help without fatherhood more of a pain to your child than it is worth?? Who can know? Will it really bother your child? I'd give it 50-50; that's a very personality-based thing. The important thing is for your child to have SOME healthy male role model in his/her life, but it doesn't have to be biodad.

[However, I REALLY dislike women coming back to men in some states, years after the fact, and being allowed to sue for all the BACK child-support; I think the support should be from the time single parents file only, but they are entitled to fin. help.]

I agree that emotional abandonment by the father is hard. It's interesting that you chose not to find out why in the case of your own father.

But lots of things in life are hard; lots of things are unfair. We all fuss and complain about unfair things, like grammerschool kids do. But it doesn't "fix" anything to fuss. Pregnancy is one natural consequence of adultery, and EVERYONE involved has to live with it.

Many wives on this board with no-contact hope and pray the single mom marries a nice man who will adopt the Other Child. I certainly don't wish the child any ill; I pray for the child frequently.

In my case, we are VERY far away from OC, and the XOW behaves hatefully. We've tried to "play nice", tried to keep in touch, but the child is too young; it's not worth it with the long distance involved and the mother acting like she does. We're still open to meeting the OC, but we're in no position to have normal visitation, and fighting with the XOW can only cause more problems to the OC, to our children, to our marriage. Why keep beating our head on a brick wall?

There are many circumstances that make contact a bad option, with no disrespect intended to the child.

God be with you.
J

<small>[ January 29, 2003, 01:00 AM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

I agree wholeheartedly with Jenny on this:

>The important thing is for your child to have SOME healthy male role model in his/her life

I remember in my circle of friends back in high school, one of the best adjusted males was actually a guy who hadn't seen his father since he was the age of two (father had taken off and divorced his mother). He did, however, have an uncle he was close to. The most maladjusted, however (someone who once tried to throw a chair at a teacher) ... his role model was his own father, who was married to (but always fighting with) his mother.

As to child support, I obviously don't know your financial situation's details, but ... ... The child will know that you can't force his father to interact with him personally. However, if the resulting financial situation affects him too much (ie. misses out on too much, for lack of a better phrase and not knowing your complete financial situation), I could also see it possible for him to wonder why you, as his mother, didn't stand up for him to at least help his life/development in that sense. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

chud (OW no, BW no, OC yes)

<small>[ January 29, 2003, 01:13 PM: Message edited by: friendofk ]</small>