Well we all took our DNA test last Saturday and we're waiting for the results. My wife is so distant. She wants our 2 week old daughter to be OM's it just grieves me so. I came home this evening and pressed redial on the phone and it was OM's cell. She told me herself that she can not be trusted. She is still so much in the fog...hoping and praying that OM will leave his wife for her and that I will divorce her. I don't know how much more I can stand. She told me to do what I feel like I have to do. Doesn't she have any regard for OM's family? What about our 3 year old son? When will she have to answer to him? I was in the delivery room two weeks ago, signed the birth certificate, trying to make things normal for our little daughter and this is the thanks I get? I feel like I give and give and she just takes and takes. Lord, just let me get through this week of decision!

Dear Lord, Anxious, I am so sorry for your situation! Hang in there! God is good. I hope K and others are along soon to help you. It is a noble thing you are doing, and I hope it works out, saving your family unit.

Prayer and angel wings,
J
in recovery 4.5y and glad I stayed

Anxious1,

I too am sorry to read your pain! I wish that I could help in some way, but have no idea what to say! I do know that I have read on this board, and on GQII that if she wants you to divorce her, tell her that you won't do that. That if she wants a divorce so bad, she will need to do it herself. But, you need to think hard first about this, cause she may do just that! I can't fully remember, does OM's W know about the baby yet? She just is living in such a fog, she can't see what she's doing to you, your S, or herself, let alone the new baby! I will pray for you!

Tigger

Dear Anxious it is so obvious the depth of the love you have for your W and S and new daughter but I do believe that your W needs a wake up call! She is throwing away everything for a man that is married. She has everything because she has someone that truly loves her. YOU!! You don't find that everyday. I would tell her that she needs to realize what is truly important in her life or she will lose the only thing that really is. It will show her that you will not be a doormat any longer. Woman need to respect their men and if she sees you as weak she will not.

OM's wife still doesn't know about the baby because we don't know if it's his. I'm not sure what to do about this. My wife told me the other day from her friend who knows OM's wife told her that if she finds out that I knew that the baby may not be mine and didn't notify her that she would come after me for keeping it a secret. But we still don't know who's it is so I didn't feel the need to contact her. This doesn't make sense. I don't know if this was a threat from OM or what. I don't threaten easily. If I felt that she needed to know, I would have told her. I simply thought that her not knowing would continue to keep their marriage together. But who knows...hindsight is 20/20. I still love my wife dearly but I am not obcessed. I just want a normal family at all costs. She wants to turn it into a freak show.

Dear Anxious1

This is my first post.

First off…My sister in Illinois has gone through a very similar experience as your wife, including the baby with another man. The other man’s wife was very hateful and when she found out, she did come after everyone involved, including my sister’s husband. Afterwards, they divorced and he had to move away…it was that bad. So, you might want to proceed very cautiously.

Now, as far as your situation, whatever you decide, you should keep in mind that all of these people will remain in your life. I don’t know how you are reacting to the situation but I do know that you can be as angry and bitter as you want but in the end, it will not be worth it. I speak from experience. I have read some of the posts and I got a familiar feeling of anger from these people trying to help. No matter what happens in your situation, this might apply to you or it might not. I don’t know why I am sharing this with you now…maybe God has put it on my heart, so here goes.

Years ago, my wife (now ex-wife) had an affair. I loved her as much as you love your wife, maybe more. At the time, our son was 2 yrs old. Well, I took every road possible…from understanding to prayer and Bible thumping to pleading with her to complete inconsideration and finally to anger and bitterness. So many horrible things were said and I honestly regret that entire time of my life. I was not myself. I didn’t deserve it but it happened. Even though I had been betrayed, I finally realized that she and my son would be in my life forever. There was nothing I could do to save my marriage and I didn’t have a lot of money to “get my revenge” in court and try to destroy her or take our son away. However, I was bitter and full of venom. I tried to hurt her and in doing so, I ended up hurting our son and my self respect. I was not the man I wanted to be. I prayed and prayed for God to deliver us, to deliver me, but in the end, He comforted me by telling me I would be okay. I have always been a gentle and kind man and this affair nearly changed me into someone I despised.

So many people gave me advice…bad advice…telling me to do this and do that…they were in the same place of anger as I was so, at the time, it was comforting, but worthless in the end. They counseled me to wreck her life and kick her out. They were trying to live out their anger through me vicariously. It was almost as if they were feeding on my pain. No offense to anyone on here.

Anyway, I became someone I did not know nor respected. I hated what had happened in my marriage but with my new hateful attitude, I began to hate myself. My son saw this monster I had become. Going home was horrible. All I wanted to do was to tell her how crappy she was and how I wanted her to suffer. Well, I learned that I could not change my wife but I could change myself. This was the hardest thing I had to do, but before the divorce, I asked her to forgive me for the way I had been acting and treating her. For the first time, we calmly discussed the divorce and child custody and child support, etc. We worked out the details and found that we could still be civil to each other. I found that since I could not change what was happening, I could make it as painless as possible so we could get through it and on with our lives. We quietly divorced a month later.

10 years have passed but I can look back at that time and have respect for how I eventually handled being slapped in the face like that. I can look in the mirror and even though I was betrayed, God has seen me through and made me better for it. One can keep that anger and hatred inside and yearn to strike down those who have done you wrong, but it will not help you to survive this. There is a lot of life to be lived.

I have joint custody and see my son every couple of weeks. I am now remarried to a sweet and wonderful woman…something I never, ever thought would happen…but God sent her to me. When we were dating, she was very impressed in my attitude about what had happened. I think back to explaining that time to her…if I remained in rage, what kind of a man would that have made me look like?

Today, I am cordial with my wife and her husband. God has blessed my life and He did that, I believe, because of the way I handled it. I have never been one to profess scripture, especially to strangers on the internet, but what did Jesus say when someone slaps you on one side of the cheek…He said to offer your other cheek as well. This was a very, very hard lesson for me to learn, but it has made a difference in my life, my son’s life and my walk with God. Good Luck!

Dear Anxious1,

Well, I don't believe that you should be the one to tell OM's W, but she does have a right to know, whether the baby is her H's or yours! Why, cause I have been through the not knowing, and when you don't know that something is so wrong, that your S has and A, then you can't try to at least fix it! On the other hand, if OM's W comes to you and asks about it, then you have every right to tell her, and, in fact, should be honest about it to her! Right now, you need to concentrate on what's going on in your own M, and not worry about what they are doing!

I know that when we first found out that I was P, my H's first thought was he would love to "stick it to" the xOM, but then he thought of xOM's W and D! We both decided to not let xOM know of P, as we didn't want to take away from the W and D, and it wasn't worth the hassle, as we wanted to get on with our lives, w/o xOM being involved! Now, over 2 yrs past D-day, we are still working hard on our M, but it is so much easier w/o the outside influence of xOM!

I guess what I am saying is that you need to work on what you can at this point. I still stand by saying to her that if she wants a D, let her file, as you are still willing to try to save your M. Do it in a loving manner, not a nasty response. Maybe say that you still love her enough to try to work this out, and so aren't willing to do the filing of divorce papers.

She may be too far gone in her fog that she will file, and recieve the D, but at least it would then be her doing, and you can say that at least you tried! You can't change how someone else deals with things like this, but you can be in control of your own actions. If you can show no rage towards your W and OM during this whole thing, you will come out looking better for it, no matter what the outcome!

I think that I am babbling, but I just had to go with what came to my mind! I will continue to pray for you, and look forward to hearing what the results may be, no matter which way it points. At least then, you will know which road to take at this fork!

Prayers to you,

Tigger

Anxious1

I agree with Tigger. Whatever you do, do it in a loving, calm and gentle way. Trust me, 10 years from now, the only person you have to account to is God and your own image in the mirror. If you believe you worked on the marriage, that is all you need…why should it matter what anyone else thinks about who ended it or why. The judges won’t care. If your marriage comes to divorce, I don’t know about who should file…I honestly don’t think that matters in the end either. Whichever way is financially advantageous and conveniently quiet would be the best way to go. That is what I went through. I have seen other men go the other way and it nearly killed them financially, spiritually and emotionally.

Remember, none of us are innocent or sinless in this life. God recognizes that and pours his grace and mercy on us all through Jesus’ blood. Once I got past my anger, forgiveness for my wife and her lover came easier and peace became mine.

Their relationships with God are not my concern.

I do caution you that it is very, very easy to say you forgive someone and then hold the rage and hatred inside only to spew it out at them when you feel like it. I fell into that same trap and it is nothing but a downward, destructive spiral which will poison you down the line. Good Luck!

Bob 52

Robert, you wrote:

First off…My sister in Illinois has gone through a very similar experience as your wife, including the baby with another man. The other man’s wife was very hateful and when she found out, she did come after everyone involved, including my sister’s husband. Afterwards, they divorced and he had to move away…it was that bad. So, you might want to proceed very cautiously.

I would like to know what OM's wife came after the husband with. I mean, what goods did she have on him that made him have to leave town. I don't understand. I do know that my wife reads my threads and she would be VERY interested in what my response is to you. By your words, you sound somewhat similar to OM. I wonder what made you register and join in on today of all days.

Anxious1

A question. I assume OM means other man...sorry, I am new to this. If my words sound similar to his, has he posted here before? I would be interested in reading his post.

The reason I signed up the other day was because my little sister was reading posts on here and I wanted to look out for her and see what this site was all about. I might discuss the details of her situation ONLY if you are sincerely interested and believe it might help you...she may look at your reply to me and not want me to share.

Why would your wife be "VERY" interested in your reply?

My post indicated that I didn't know why I felt led to share my past or my sister's situation with you. I registered when I read your stuff and thought I could help..from your comments, I assume my post was unappreciated and unwanted by you. This is exactly why I was looking into what my sister was reading.

All I know is what I have experienced and seen through family and friends in similar situations.

I am here if you decide you want to talk.

Bob

Well, we got the results back and surprise...she's my baby. The only problem is that after all we've been through, W still wants a divorce. She says that she distanced herself from me throughout the whole pregnancy that she just can't seem to turn herself around. She still loves this OM and can't see things any other way. So this is rather bitter sweet. On one hand, I now have a beautiful little girl that I can call my very own, but on the other hand she will grow up in a broken home, never knowing what an in-tact family unit is. Her mind is pretty much made up and in some small way I'm glad she finally got off the fence. This has been the worst year of my life.

CONGRATULATIONS DADDY!!!

I'm happy about your daughter.

Sorry about your W.

Just give her time. She is STILL going through an emotional time and is reacting from confusion. Try to be as supportive as you can with the little one......it will help your W tremendously.

Congratulations! I prayed that you would get good news. My God continue to bless you.

Anxious1

Congrats on the news. You must be filled with pride. It's too bad about your wife still wanting a divorce. Why does she not want to stay with you? I hope your anger has not made you do things you now regret. Remember, vengence is the Lord's...not yours.

I agree with Kily...you should remain helpful and supportive even if you will lose your wife in the end.

God will deliver someone else to you one day. I believe that. Hang in there. Be kind. I am praying for you and your wife.

Bob 52

hello,
Well, your W might still been the fog! Hang in there! Glad to hear that the baby is yours!

Dawn

anxious, congradulations on your new baby girl. I'm so sorry your wife's being an idiot. In Harley Principle terms, you'll have to decide whether Plan A (building love) or B (separation) is the way to go now. Your kids still need you, so stick up for yourself there...

God be with you,
J

Unfortunately, OM's wife found out about the whole physical affair the day before I found out my baby girl was mine. What happened is OM's wife got a phone call from the police asking her if her husband's car was reported stolen that morning. They told her that someone reported her husband's car in front of their house. She asked what street it was on and they said it was on the street located next to my house. She put two and two together and called me up at work saying that her husband was at my house. I then left work, following the police officer, pulled in the driveway as he was walking out of my house. The police officer informed him that he was trespassing and that the next time he was caught on my property that he would be arrested, no questions asked.

OM's wife then asked me questions about what I knew and I couldn't lie. My wife was furious with me, saying that she will now be dragged into court. OM's wife is definately divorcing him because of his deceit this past year.

What is so sad is hearing her say that she is going to have to cancel their marriage counceling appointment for Saturday. They have been in counceling for close to six months now, and he was just going through the motions. OM's wife told me that it all makes sense now as to why they weren't making any progress. Their marriage this past year has been one big lie after another and she can not work past that.

My wife now feels justified in divorcing me because of my betrayal. I felt like I was doing the right thing at the time but now I'm not so sure. If I could have just held my tongue for 24 hours, my marriage may still be in tact. I feel like OM's wife would have divorced him anyway after knowing of PA.

{{{{{{{{{{Anxious1}}}}}}}}}}

I am saddened to hear that your M is pretty much over, especially after you find out that the beautiful baby girl was definately YOURS!!!!!! I am having a hard time containing my anger at your W's reaction to the truth being told! I, personally, feel that when confronted w/questions of "What's going on?" If you know the truth, you should tell it! Your W and the OM have been living their lie so long, they are offended when the truth is being told!

Now, I don't think that you should tell your W what I have to say next, but if she's going to be dragged into court, it's her own fault, and that of the OM!

I will pray for you, and your little girl! I am so sorry that things are taking this course!

Tigger

anxious

Glad you are going to be a daddy, However I dont think you should asume your marrige is over, many have had bad times and lots of turmoil and drama and they suprise themselves by not ending their marriage and come away stronger than before, Babies have a way of bringing people together.

<small>[ February 11, 2003, 12:08 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

Hi, I guess I am not really replying but adding a bit of my story to people here. This may be a very long post. I am sorry if I dont make sense at times. Bare with me.I am anxious1's wife. I have been reading every one's post on here and have kept myself from adding my story until now, I guess you can all give me your advise too when you are done reading what I have to say. I too have been praying for this situation. Things have been so devastating for me these past 11 months.
For starters I will tell you a bit about myself. I am 23 yrs old, my husband, anxious1 is 43 we have been married almost 5 years. I met my husband when i was 15 and he was married at the time. He was my recording manager. I wanted to be a christian music artist and was a singer and writer and he saw me singing somewhere and asked me if I wanted to record. He had a recording studio. So then on I signed a contract and started making my dreams come true and making my first album "Stand your Ground" My husband was a good man, I looked up to him and loved him. I came from a broken home of abuse and he was like a second Dad to me, some one I knew would never hurt me. When I was 16 he kissed me and told me he was in love with me, while still married he continued to record me among other things as well. I was so afraid and coming from an abusive home felt it was my fault. Well, he devorced his wife and when I was 17 asked me to marry him. I said yes, then no, then yes and finally a couple weeks before our wedding I said I can't do it, he had two kids half my age and I felt like I was being trapped. He told me he would kill himself if I left him and we had already paid for the wedding. I went to my pastor and told him i could not do this and he told me to grow up and be responsible. So that is what I did.I thought. We had a rough first year, I tried so hard to be a good step Mom at the age of 18 i was not excepted by his family at first and was always trying to prove myself. It seemed as though I was my husbands posession, not companion. It hurt badly. When we had our son I was the most happiest, he paid more attention to me, his family started to love me and I was no longer on the outside looking in, I was apart of him and his family now. But once a year went by things got worse, I had to beg my husband to spend time with, he was always busy or when I would try to communicate with him it seemed he was pre-occupied. I cried for him to try and get to know me, I tried couples devotionals, i would read them at night, he would fall asleep, until I started making him read them. I was going to bible studies, I went to two seperate coucilors to try and fix what was "wrong with me." My husband was very good at helping with chores, dinner, he even waited on me hand and foot at times, but when it came to emotionally connecting there was no effort. It seemed all we talked about was music church and our son. I told him I wanted to spend time with him, he never took me out I stayed at home all day never went any where with out him. I would cry at night, i know he could hear me, I told him I was unhappy and felt I was slipping away. No effort's were made to hold on to me. When I started my emotional affair with my love I found all that in him, I was listned to and loved for more than my body. When the affair became physical i found out I was pregnant shortly after. I told my husband right away about every thing. I told him I loved this other person very much and that I did not think I could stay married. Well, my husband said he loved me and forgave me and said he would be here for me. He then secretly installed some spy software on my computer and was intercepting e-mails from the two of us and never even confronted me, he would read all these things I would say to my lover and never ask me why he just kept reading them. After I found out he was snooping he told me that he was going to use this information to take our son away from me if I ever tried to leave him. He called me a F----- Hore in front of our son and was screaming at me. He preached to me how faithful he was and how I was a sinner with a black heart. He told me he would never hurt me the way I hurt him. I later found out that He had visited a pornographic web site and denied it to my face until i presented him with the evidence. Knowing what happened to me as a child due to pornography he knew this would kill me and said he wanted to get back at me and that he would never ever do this to me again, and that he would never hurt me like that. I pulled away from him and moved closer to the other man. My husband had all these e-mails he was using to threaten me if I left him he would take my son away, so I agreed to go to counceling, I tried. But I felt that this baby i was carrying was OM's and I could not get passed that with my husband, but I tried. The monday before I found out the paternity of my child the OM called and wanted to see her, I said yes he could come and see her. And as my husband wrote before, the police came and it was all a mess. BUT, my husband did not just tell the other man's wife about the affair. Which I agree she had a right to know. But he met with her later that day and gave her all these e-mails from me after he swore to me that he detroyed them and that he would never shame me or humiliate me like this. He told om's wife everything that I had confided in him, the only thing left we had to build on was that little bit of trust i felt I had with my husbnad.And he threw that away to get even. He and this wife planned to use this to destroy OM and to hold me here with my husband and that if I left my husband the threat was that she would come after me and use the information my own husband gave her to hurt me and my kids. So my husband thought that his plan would work and that I would be to afraid to leave him so I would stay. Wrong... The very next day we found out our child was my husbands. But it was too late, this other woman had already started ripping at me. She is a very hateful woman and with this loaded weapon my own husband gave her she is now working very hard to destroy me which in turn affects my children badly. My husband says he wishes now he did not give her all the dirt on me that he had, but I feel so betrayed and tricked that I cannot stay with him. I found out that two weeks after I gave birth to our daughter I found my husband once again returning to pornography after he promied me he would not. I believe he is a liar and do not trust him any more, I have cried so many tears, my babies need me, they need me to be sane and joyful as they grow before my eyes. I want to be alive again. I feel there is just too much brokeness in this marriage to mend. It haunts me every day that he went to this woman to destroy me and OM then he came home to say how much he loves me. I cannot live this way any more, I will not be threatened any more, I will not cry any more! What can any of you offer to me now, what can you say about my situation? Any advise? I sure could use it. I do not listen to H any more because of constant lies and lack of trust, I fear him now due to what he has done to destroy me..