wife23,

You poor dear. All of these bad things just happen to you. None of it is your fault. Blah Blah Blah

You may have sufficient justification for divorce - based your account of events. Period.

You have no justification for an affair.
Your OM's wife is not evil - you have stolen her husband. (This might also be the view of your current husband's exwife).

Don't blame anyone but yourself for the affair coming to light.

You want some advice:

1. Terminate all contact with OM
2. Take responsibility for your actions - don't blame your husband.
3. Rationally decide if you want to remain married (without OM in picture)

Bob

there are always two sides to every story and I am sorry these things happened, however if your husband was married and you were a young teen at the time, frankly I dont know why he is shocked at the turn of events and shouldnt be. We all know afairs are not right, that isnt to hard to figure out, but neither is abuse abandonment and sexual abuse of a teen ager.
These are things past and you must move on, My self, I think you deserve a chance to move on if you like, leave, having an affair doesnt make you an unfit mother. just means you made a mistake and let someone else fullfill your needs. for what ever reasons.
Sounds like you are just ready to actually live the life you missed and dont really love your husband but were dependent on him, because of his age and pressure put on you.
No one can tell you what to do, but if you dont love this man, then leave and be a good strong mother and take care of your children.
If you truly love your husband and want your marriage then you both have an amazing amount of work and past to muddle through.
I can since resentment for your youth that you mssed because he preyed upon you as a teen, maybe that is a large part of it.
I cant tell you what to do , just go with your heart and do what you need to do. Dont stay because you feel forced and dont leave because you just want an easy way out.
You may also get a restraining order against the woman bothering you, She is upset and rightfully so but has no right to harrass you and hurt you. this is her husbands sin and she has to deal with him. I dont think stayng with the mm is a great idea either it will only lead to more hurt.
so make your decision and then do what you need to do.
sorry not much help, but I od understand alot of what you said. hang in there.

wife23:

First of all, I'm going to applaud you coming here for help in this awful situation you've found yourself in. You will find that this website, and this forum, can be a godsend of help to you! Please check out the main page first. Read the articles about surviving an A (affair). You will find that there are others in similar situations all over the forum, too. This site is for both the BS (betrayed spouse) and the WS (wayward spouse) to get help and heal. You are definitely welcome here.

Now is NOT the time for either you or your H (husband) to get bogged down in a blame fest. You both have problems, or there would not have been an A. At the same time, you both must have good qualities, or you wouldn't be asking for advice from a website like this. Again, I applaud you.

Neither one of you can truly heal until you get beyond the anger and hurt you're still inflicting on each other. Also, try not to villify the OM's W. She may or may not be a "bad" person, that's not the point. Many people would behave the way she did upon learning of their spouse's infidelity.

It is a very good idea to stop seeing or talking to the OM for the rest of your life. You'll not only continue to complicate your situation, but his family's as well. I'm so sorry that when you felt ignored by your H, you sought comfort from a married man, rather than a therapist (or this forum). But as you'll learn from this forum, it's probably more often than not that people "wake up" to realizing the problems within their M's only after a tragedy of an A comes to light.

I wish you all the best. For you, your H, and your wonderful, innocent children,
-Qfwfq

Wife23,

Your life has been one trial after another, but I still stand by what I said about it being your own fault if you do end up in court. But, now that there is a little more history here, it seems as if it is repeating itself! Anxious1 was married when you met him, and he divorced that W for you! Now, you are possibly divorcing your H for OM! When will this cycle end if not with you right now? I am only suggesting you think before you go any further! Your H cheated, then D first W, now you've cheated, and are considering D for OM! I can only see it happening again and again if someone doesn't stop it now!

I hope that I didn't offend you with my previous post, but that's what happens when only a fraction of the story is being told!

As for your H's treatment with the porn, misuse of trust, well, that's something that needs to be addressed if you stay married, or not. You have had tons of things happen to you that can cause even more mistrust, if you don't deal with those issues! You stated that someone told you grow up and deal with it when you first got married, but I don't see that that's happened! I think that you need to do just that, and maybe do some growing up before you make any more commitments! I know how it is to get married young, and I have made my mistakes! I have grown a lot in the past few years from those mistakes!

Again, I hope that I didn't offend you with the previous post, but I still stand by what I said.

Tigger

First of all, I would just like to say that I still love my wife with all my heart. She has a slightly different perspective on what has been going on than I do, however. Let me just say that I never threatened to take away the children. I did tell her that she needed to think about what she was doing to them by having this affair. Also, I never told her that I would destroy any corespondence between them, just as she told me over and over that she would break off all contact with OM. I only started intercepting emails when I found out OM was coming over to my house while I was at work, in the presence of my three year old son. I did threaten OM when I found this out, telling him that the next time he was caught in my house, I would tell his wife everything. I felt that I needed to make good on my promise to him. Also, the night before he was caught in my house, my wife had a frank discussion with me telling me that she had no attraction for me whatsoever, that even if this was my child that she would never get this man out of her mind and it would be a constant struggle and she didn't know if I would ever be able to trust her again...Basically telling me it was over. So, when I saw him come out my front door, I had had enough. Hence the reason for my actions.

I have always been a loving husband and father. I have tried to meet my wife's EN but by the time I found this web site, it may hve been too late. She had already bonded with this other man. I just hate what my one month old daughter will have to go through, never knowing what an in tact family is like.

I am sorry for how I handled my first marriage. If I had it to do over, I would have done things differently. All I have to say about that is that it takes two to tango and I love my wife too much to drag up how she handled that.

Finally, I would just like to say that no one was holding a gun to my wife when she said,"I do". She was very capable of making that decision. I never threatened to kill myself if she would not marry me. Yes, she was young, and yes I should not have married her then, but our actions right now are going to affect our children for the rest of their lives.

Again, I still love my wife with all my heart and would love to work things out. I'm just tired of being the only one trying.

Okay you two...

I would argue that your W IS trying to work things out, at least for herself, by coming here. And as for you, anxious, it may or may not be relevant now that you M'd her when she was so young, but it might have been helpful to us if we'd known a little bit more of your background before your W came on here and told us about it. Apologies if you did tell your whole story somewhere and I managed to miss it.

The key to recovery, personal or marital, is to get past the blame-fests as quickly as possible. You'll never heal if you can't forgive. Don't FORGET, though. That's not the same thing as forgiving.

And wife23: There's no way you'll be setting yourself up for anything less than a miserable future if you don't drop this OM like a hot potato as quickly as you can. Show a little integrity here. This is an infatuation, at best. It isn't "real love."

You should both be in counseling, individually and together. This is just a tad less of a huge mess, because your D is both of yours, not the OMs. But it's still a mess. It will be hard work recovering your M (or your individual recoveries), but you need to do it regardless of whether you stay together or not. And so why not work on it together, since you have a shared history (and a family!) together.

All my best,
-ol' Qfwfq

Well, I guess it was a huge mistake to try and come here seeking what ever it was I thought I needed. My husband has clearly shown me that he cannot even for the sake of our marriage speak the truth. I have never lied to my husband about my affair, i have told him when I was weak and when I needed to not be trusted. I am so hurt that he would come here and lie knowing I would read what he has said. The fact that i was a child when he pursued me is not the issue here, it sickens me that he would make such comments about that time the way he did when he knows what damage it caused me. he has used my son over me for a year, I have been so afraid of loosing him that I stayed and told him I was only staying because I feared loosing him. The issue here is that I had an affair, I was so wrong to do so, I have spent many nights on my knees praying and crying out to God. I know I need to sort some things out, but I am so tired of being manipulated and lied to as well. I did not wish to come here and start a fight, I am so sorry to you all, but I will never post here again. I see now just how my husband thinks, it is sad to know that in all my years of crying out to him he is NOW the all knowing husband of the year who has been the "only one trying" i wish I knew this man you all know too. If I had maybe we would not have to post in such a place as this.
Thank you all for you responses good and bad, I heard them all and apply what I need too....
I am sorry.

wife23,

I hope that my responses weren't some of the ones that are making you leave. I have been harsh with you, but that's cause I have had the A that has produced an OC, and my story is so long that I get tired of posting it anymore! I think that you should stick around and ask for the advice you need!

Regardless of what you decide(stay M or get D), you need to distance yourself, to the point of no contact, from OM! Your A started because of needs not being met, and maybe some other things. Those things need to be dealt with, first and foremost! It is often said that you need to wait a year or more after a D to become involved with another person. To let the wounds heal, and deal with what caused the D in the first place. There are many here who have been through situations of all sorts who would be willing to help in any way they can! Just because you are the wayward spouse, doesn't mean that you aren't welcome here!

I hope that with this post, I have helped in some way!

Tigger

Anxious1 and Wife23

Wow. As I have been somewhat following the situation (see my earlier posts as to my reasons), I must put in my two cents.

Anxious1
It is painfully obvious that you have NOT been truthful on this forum meant to help people. I have known people like you who present themselves in such a wonderful light and are completely different at home. I am not saying you are like this, but from everything I have read and then with your wife's plea for assistance, I have my own opinion. She would have NO reason to come online and lie...you, on the other hand, have every reason to...it makes you look bad and you don't like that.
All of us who read and follow this situation only know you for what you portray...we have no other choice. I only hope and pray that you are not really like that in real life, but you may be.

To be upfront, it is a pride issue. Pride, as you know, is Satan's favorite sin. So, be careful for all lies find the light eventually, as you all have seen.

As far as loving your wife and wanting to work things out...I don't know. Your first step has to be honesty in the mirror. However, pride will cloud that and put you in this "fog" that everyone likes to use.

Wife23
I am not sure of the details of your childhood or situation but any man 20 years older than you who earned your trust as a father figure and then exploited it to his own means is a monster. I have heard all these angry, bitter people on here say that you were to blame and it was your decision and noone put a gun to your head, blah, blah, but the truth is that you were a minor and was in a terrible emotional state. It is a shame that your husband is that kind of predator to take advantage of that situation.

The affair was wrong in the eyes of God...you know that. However, God's forgiveness is endless and his patience divine.

As far as your future, it is your decision to stay or to go, as you realize. It looks like much pain has been felt but your joy and happiness must lie in your children. Your strength will get them through this.

I do hope some of these bitter replies do not keep you from seeking advice but I fully understand.

I will continue to pray for both of you.

w23:

I hope you reconsider. I certainly didn't intend to drive you away with what I posted. I hope it wasn't something I said. If so, I apologize.

For what it's worth, this forum is probably dominated for the most part by BSs, less WSs come here, but they're all welcome. As BSs, often telling only our side of the story, we leave things out that might be relevant to those helping us to figure out our situations. We're also not saints, and there is no such thing as a "sole injured party" in infidelity. But it often comes across as if the BS thinks they are the only one's hurting.

Again, I hope you reconsider and come back here to continue to tell us your story and progress.

Good luck to you,
-Qfwfq

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Ya gotta wonder about a 43-year old married man pursuing a 17-year old when he is still married??!! Did you think this would ever be all right and have a happy ending? If so, what mature man in his right mind could think that?

I'm sorry to sound so judgmental, I'm trying to make sense of your relationship.

Sure, wife23 could/should have gotten out of the marriage prior to deciding to have an affair, but anyone can certainly see how this was trouble brewing from day one???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by anxious1:
<strong>Doesn't she have any regard for OM's family? What about our 3 year old son? When will she have to answer to him?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmm... I reckon these are all questions that you have had to come to terms regarding your first marriage & your children from that marriage?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by anxious1:
<strong>...I would just like to say that I still love my wife with all my heart. She has a slightly different perspective on what has been going on than I do, however...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course she has a different perspective and she always will. Her reality is just what it is. And her reality is based on her perception of your relationship. IMHO, you two were never equals (intellectually OR emotionally) and I don't see how you could ever be? She's still growing up and obviously hasn't learned how to make right choices that will benefit her & your children for the long-term.

Okay, I'm done nagging you guys. I guess the best thing to do now is make the best of the situation and think first of all about your children and what you are teaching them all about love & marriage, commitment & Christianity.

Anxious1 and wife23,
Ditto what BTDT said to you. She certainly has a way with God's words....

Wife23, I can understand your confusion and I have to let you know you do not think as an older woman, you think like my own sweet DIL. Youth has a way of thinking in enchanting ways, even before the A...you think young. You must give up om immediately for your own sanity. You can do it! No more contact. It will interfere with your ability to know if you wish to stay married to anxious1 or not.

Please give it time honey. Do not decide for at least 6 mos. what your next step will be.

Anxious1, you have 2 small children and a child-like wife. Do not play games with her in an "older" devious way. No matter what, you did that informing om's wife and arming her w/ammunition she can use against you WIFE!

Seems you were protecting only yourself. You should know better.

If wife23 will give up om (give her grieving time), it is a blessing for you. You must then begin the long road to recovery with her through counseling. You both have two small children who need you both now....please get a hold of yourselves and try to do the right thing.

For one thing, anxious, you must enter into an honesty policy. You two have been lying far to long to each other. Once it's in place, start depositing love in each others banks!

Slowly it may begin to develop a real marriage. Trust, honesty, and romance.....

After the hurt. You both need to heal. I pray for you that you will.

love
Debi

<small>[ February 12, 2003, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>