Help me please. Seriously HOW the hell do you EVER trust an unfaithful spouse again? I just don't see it happening. My UH has done everything "right" since D-day but I feel like even if I loved him enough to stay I'm condemning myself to a life of constant worrying and wondering. What's he doing? Where is he now? Who is he with? My divorce date is next month and I was just about to call it off but then someone will ask me "do you still love him?"-answer not sure "will you ever be able to trust him again?"-answer 100% NO. I will NEVER trust him 100% but I don't think I would trust ANYONE 100% again. I had bad trust issues BEFORE I even knew about the A and probably would have them with ANYONE b/c of my childhood. Do you EVER REALLY trust again? Am I still just too close to see the light at the end of the tunnel? I've been at this for 7 months now and I don't want my marriage to end but know that HE ended it when he slept around on me! I just know what to think anymore!!!!

I hear ya! Been there, done that. I am in the same boat as you and wondering the same thing. My H is doing everything "right" also, but those naging feelings are there none the less. Old habits die hard. He has even seen his OW with another man already and I was along for the ride. I know she contacted him asking to talk to him, after 2 1/2 months of silence, but I don't know if he called her back, or even responded to her request at all. I can just hope that he did what was right for us and ignored her, but will she leave him alone in the future? I have no guarantees. He did not tell me about her contact for I am sure he would know I would be upset, very upset and he is trying to protect me. What do you older, with more history think of this new twist. My daughter says I need to give him the time to deal with this, possibly tell me, or not tell me to spare the hurt, and she feels that he will do the right thing and ignore the request from OW. I sometimes think she is the parent and I am the child. She feels he may be struggling also. The OW is married and will not leave her H, but wants who knows what kind of relationship with my H, it could possibly be just friendship, but I can't accept even that after they slept together. What do you guys think?
Some advise from you older, wiser members please. I love my H very much, but am not adverse to leaving if I find out they have taken up again.

As an oldtimer here, I remember wondering the same thing early on. I was sure that I would never trust my husband again...ever. But I do. I was sure nothing would ever be the same...and it isn't. Thank God. I also thought my marriage was over and we would never recover...but it wasn't and we did.

It's been four years. And it wasn't until last July that we were in true recovery. The affair and the results of that affair were so horrendous, it took years to get over being shell shocked and traumatized by the violation of trust, the fact that a betrayal like this was even possible in our marriage and the heartbreaking consequences that resulted.

In July we turned an important corner. I'm not sure what it was or how it happened but part of me thinks it just was part of the natural process of recovery. The irony of it is that I think he had to get to a place where he could trust ME that I would not leave him because of what HE did. Once he knew I wasn't going anywhere, he threw himself into recommiting himself to me and to the marriage. When he knew it was safe to do this, he put everything he had into this marriage.

Just like with any trauma, it takes a lot of time to get over the fact that something so horrible happened to you. It changes you and changes the people around you...and a lot of the time, it changes things for the better...eventually.

In some ways, I trust him more than before because he isn't even remotely interested in anyone else but me now, where before, others would ocasionally catch his eye. He is grateful at this new lease on our marriage and that I didn't leave him when I had every reason to leave and never look back. I resented the loss of our sexual exclusivity and had a tough time getting past that, but now I rarely think of it.

The key to recovery, I think, and getting the trust back is genuine recommitment. When my husband recommited himself to me and to the marriage and he stayed consistent in his efforts to focus on me and work the Harley principles and make it a part of our lives, recovery took on a life of its own. After four years of struggling to get past everything, we have had seven months of "true" recovery. It's not perfect, but in many, many ways, we are better than we were before. Kind of like surviving a plane crash...the trauma is always with you but the gratitude for your survival is too.

What the two of you are going through is normal and natural after all you have endured. There are rockier days ahead, unfortunately, but then the recovery comes and with that a new devotion and understanding and love...give it more time and while you are waiting for the miracle to begin, study the Harley Principles and Policies like the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) and commit yourselves to the Rules of Honesty and Protection. Concentrate on each other and your marriage and work the Harley methods together...because they work.

Don't get too discouraged. Allow yourself to go through all the stages of the grieving process because those feelings are real and you have to go through it to recover. Pray a lot, ask for guidance and stay strong.

Catnip =^^=