Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#81934 01/03/02 12:11 PM
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 18
P
posey Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
P
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 18
I am so anxious to get your opinion on my situation since you are a 20 year old, the same age as my oldest daughter...my other daughter is 15. <p>My husband had a short affair (approx 2 weeks long) 10 years ago. We just found out a few months ago that a child resulted from that affair. The other woman wrote to say that her 10 year old child is asking questions about who her father is and she wants to fill in a name on her birth certificate...up until now it has been left blank. My husband had a paternity test which came out positive. <p>At this point, we aren't sure if the other woman wants my husband to take an active role in her child's life or what...all we know is that we cannot accept her into our family. Any relationship he has with the other child will have to be separate from us. I do not want to tell my children right now.. at least not until my youngest is a little older (preferably the age you and my oldest daughter are now). <p>How would you feel in this situation? Could you tell my how you think you might respond if you were in this situation and what you would want your parents to do. (The other child lives about 500 miles away, so there is not much chance of my children accidentally running into her...I just worry that one day she may try to contact my husband and they might find out before we've told them.)<p>Your input would be greatly appreciated.
Posey

#81935 01/03/02 04:03 PM
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 8
B
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 8
Posey: I am sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I have a few questions first. After 10 years, why does the other other woman do this now?....and how is your husband reacting to this? Was this the only affair that he had? What is you children's relationship with your husband?<p>You have to be honest with your children. I go to a school 300 miles from home but when my parents called me, i could tell the was something wrong. 1 and 1/2 years ago my parents admitted that they had been going to marriage counseling, I could accept that b/c everyone has problems every now and then. <p>Then, in Sept., my dad calls tells me that he had an affair, that he still loves me, that he is sorry, and bye all in a five minute phone call. That hurt me really bad. Cut me deep. I didn't talk to my parents for almost a week b/c i was so enraged. Later in Nov. my dad calls once again to say that he is "thinking" on taking another job in a town an hour away. I did not know the process had already gone through, so when i called him at work a week later, i was told that he didn't work there anymore. What a surprise, right? <p>Talked to him that night and my mom the next morning. She tells me that she is pregnant but it is not going normal. The next morning i get a call from dad that she miscarried that night and was is the hospital. I got really depressed, i couldn't sleep at night and that was all i could do during the day. I cried everyday because i worried about my little brother(age 15) constantly b/c he didn't call me like he used to and his voice always sounded down. <p>Now i am at home for break. My counselor told me that i have to tell my dad ezactly how i feel but to still show respect when i talk to him. I did that and the next night while my mom and little brother were gone on a 3 day vacation he called the other woman and knocked her up that night. Then he called the hotel at 5:30 in the morning to tell mom that he is willing to recommitt to the marriage and family, however, he is still unwilling to tell the other woman that it is off. I had not know that the affair was still over, and found out the night when we got home b/c i had to ask whether he was still seeing her. <p>I got very upset b/c he didn't tell me the truth before and it felt like he didn't even care what i had said earlier. I talked to him twice since then about it. I told him that not only was it unfair to momthat it was still continueing, but unfair to my brother and me, too. I found out that the affair had been going on for three years!!! Mom told me that she just found out in June! My brother and i found out in Sept.! <p>So last night i couldn't sleep. I tried reading a boring book, painted my nails again(which i just did yesterday), finally i decided that if i wrote a letter and pretended that it was to him telling him exactly how i felt about him, mom, my brother, me, and the other woman. Once i got going i got really upset at first. One thing he had told me, when i said that at least mom was trying to make the marriage work, he said that it took a 2X4 for her to realize what she had. Appartently, he didn't think that he was getting enough emotional support for her. (Which could have been) In this letter i asked him what was it going to take for him to realize what he had, a slegdehammer, cuz a 2X4 wasn't going to get the job done. <p>My dad and i used to have a great father-daughter relationship. I used to always call myself a daddy's girl and a huge tomboy. He always spoiled me and bragged about me to his friends. So igave him an ultimatum(sp?) until he decided what he wanted and until he quit lying to the rest of us i didn't want to see or talk to him. I asked him if he realized that he would not only lose a marriage of 20+ years but that he would also lose my bro's and my complete respect for him. I decided to give him the letter, b/c of his new job, he has to leave early in the morning. i just sat the five page letter next to the shower and went to bed, feeling a lot better b/c i actually said everthing that had been bothering me w/o reserves.<p>The next morning, mom siad that the letter really upset dad. I asked her if he realized what he had done yet. She siad that she thought that he is starting to understand our feelings too, and that he had let her read the letter. She told me that it was harsh. I told her that it is how i felt and i was tired of being nice about it. She had told me that she also gave dad an ultimatum, he had to call this off or there was to be a very strict separation.<p>So this is where i am at now. I am talking to a counselor, i have depression, my grades suffered, my friendships suffered at school, i am worried sick about my bro b/c he has withdrawn from the family by playing video games all the time. He is up as late as me a lot of the time. I wonder how hard it is to sleep for him if it is hard for me, and i have a VERY understanding boyfriend who i can vent to. Most of what i am feeling is because no one would tell me the truth about what was happening to our family. So i come home and hear rumor of this happening or that, i find out stuff from both parents that i should have been told a long time ago. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and time. <p>Be honest wtih your family, whether or not you decide to tell your girls or not they are going to know something is going on. We know how our parents typically act and when they act different a lot of times we worry and let our imaginations go free thinking of the worst. I hope that i helped you. I would also appreciate some suggestions too, if you have any. Thx, so mouch for listening, er, reading. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

#81936 01/03/02 06:04 PM
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 18
P
posey Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
P
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 18
Dear Blue,<p>Thanks for the reply. First, let me say how sorry I am for you, your brother, and your mom. This has got to be a very difficult situation for you because you are also feeling betrayed as well as feeling like you should be protecting your brother and your mom. You are obviously a great daughter and sister. This is exactly the way my oldest daughter would respond, I am sure, if she were in a similiar situation. To be honest, that is exactly why I want to put off telling her. I hate to think of her carrying around such a heavy burden.<p>I think you are handling this all extremely well. I am so glad to hear you are going to counseling. I personally think the letter to your father was the perfect thing to do. I realize your mom is a little protective of your dad (as odd as that is after they betray you, I know that after that many years together it is a natural response), however I think your dad needs to realize the extent of the pain he has and is causing.<p>I read in a book entitled Torn Asunder that the thing that best prevents the spouse from cheating
again is to witness and understand the pain he/she has caused. It is the ugly part of the affair that he needs to see, instead of just the romanticized, erotic aspects of it. In short, I believe you did the right thing by writing the letter.<p>I realize that threatening to cut off all communication may seem to be the only leverage you have, but I feel that really will be an easy way out for your dad if he chooses to continue the affair. It seems to me it would make it more difficult if he were to continue to have contact with you and have to face the awkwardness and pain. I hope he will choose to discontinue the affair permanently, but really I believe your best bet is to help your mom get strong and healthy, and continue to communicate to your father the damage this affair is causing.<p>Does your mother know about this site? Has she heard of the Plan A/B which is mentioned here? If not, I would definitely tell her about it. Also, may I recommend that your mom read a book entitled Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson. It offers advice and insight on how to handle it when the spouse has not ended the affair. It would probably benefit you both.<p>As for your brother, it sounds like his coping mechanism is to try to escape and block it all out. Maybe you should open the door to talking about it with him. I am sure he is feeling much of the same anger and resentment toward your dad too. Is he in counseling? <p>As for the questions you asked about my specific situation, the OW wrote my husband because she said her daughter is beginning to repeatedly ask questions about her biological father. I don't think the little girl has ever established a close bond with her stepfather, and she it is making her want to know more about her bio father. The sad thing is because my husband has never met her or had any contact with her at all, she is a 10 year old stranger to him. <p>The OW says that all she wanted was a name on her daughter's birth certificate and any relationship that develops must be only if her daughter can be fully accepted into our family with no resentments. I unfortunately do not see that happening right now.<p>When this all came to light, I asked my husband if there were any other indiscretions which he needed to confess. I told him I needed for him to come completely clean if we were going to continue on in our marriage. He confessed to 2 other one night stands during the course of our 21 year marriage. <p>We have been trying to heal our marriage and deal with this other child issue since July. You are right, my children, during the summer when this all surfaced, asked what was going on because my husband and I seemed to always be huddled in deep conversations. We explained it away easily because my brother was going through a very painful divorce at the time and my neice has been dumped by her fiance and had tried to kill herself. So you see, we had enough family trauma going on to explain our in depth conversations. Since the summer, we have been handling it much better and their suspicions have disappeared.<p>I appreciate your advice about telling them the truth. I really want to tell them but I just don't think I can bring myself to inflict that pain on them just yet. If we were in your situation where the other woman was still in the picture, I would definitely tell them what was going on. And if it turns out that the other child is insistant on meeting with my husband, then I will tell my children what is going on. I think I will wait for now until the picture clears up some and I know what is going to happen with the other child.<p>Blue, I will pray for you. I admire your strength, and I am glad you have a boyfriend who is willing to listen.<p>Keep posting so I can know how you are.
Posey

#81937 01/04/02 11:32 AM
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 8
B
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 8
Posey-<p>Thanks for the advice. What is ironic because i already talked to dad about the letter. I told him that first of all, i was very upset when i wrote the letter because he still hadn't ended the other relationship, and second of all, i am not the type of person who can not talk to someone that i love. <p>My mom came in at this point, and told me that dad knows that he hurt me. I knew this but nothing has been done for the last six months. That we have to talk, because i have to know what they are thinking because when i get to school i am not going to be able to just come home any weekend to see how they act and read their body lang. I told them that they have to tell me this because what they think will affect the decisions that they make wich will in turn affect my brother and me directly, more so my brother. All that i can do is get those lines of communication open that starts the ball rolling, even though i have no control of where the ball is going, something is being done. Only after i had said everthing that the first step to trying to work on being a family again was stopping his other relationship did he tell me that it was over. He really made me want to put my foot in my mouth. I said that i was sorry.<p>Mom and Dad said that their counselor thought it best for me to talk to my brother so that he could take a nuetral standpoint and not have to hurt either one of my parents. The counselor seems to that that is why he has started to withdraw from the family into his own world. I however do not think this is true. I would have been the same way. My bf taught me how to communicate and saw what i am feeling. I found that this has not only helped my relationship with him, but also my friends and family. My bro has not learned this and therefore would not approach either one of my parents anyway. I believe that it was their responsiblity to talk to him first, but like you said, someone has to do it. I am planning to talk to him tomorrow night. He has a basketball game this afternoon and another one tomorrow night. I don't want to tell him anytime before the games b/c he knows that i am giong to both games and he wants to do his best(show off [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) for me. <p>I think you are right for right now. It may not be the best time to talk to you daughters, if at all. I am sorry to hear that you have had a rough year too. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] But like i said, they probably know something is wrong, whether one thing or another. For right now, i think your decision is alright.<p>Thanks so much for listening to me. My mom already knows about this site--she is the one who showed it to me saying that i might benefit from it as much as she has. I hope to hear from you soon.


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,071 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5