My H had an A and engaged in unprotected sex with an OW 3 times between Sept and late October 2002. We were separated at the time and he returned home the second week of November. His OW was also separated from her H at the time of their SA. MY H and the OW (I've met with her)say that their last encounter was in October. BUT I became aware of her in mid December when she called to tell my H that she was a month pregnant with his child. She also told her estranged husband that she was pregnant with my H's child.I met with her immediately and she told me that she was angry at the way my husband "used" her although she admitted that she'd initiated and persued the sexual encounters. She felt abandoned when he returned home in November and was angry that he didn't tell her that he was trying to reconcile with me. The day we talked she didn't hold out much hope that her husband would ever consider reconciling under these conditions but wanted him to know that she'd gotten pregnant with another man. She told me and my H that she wanted nothing from him or "us." After the initial shock of her news...seeing my world turn upside down it suddenly hit me....how could she be a month pregnant with my H's child two weeks before Christmas when she said herself she hadn't been with him since late October. The OW told other people that my H got her pregnant. Apparently she has since all this happened,reconciled with her H from what we've been told. Her H told a mutual friend of ours that he doesn't care whose child it is, that he intends to raise it as his own and wants nothing from anyone. MY PROBLEM: I don't know what to do. I have no way of knowing whose child it is but now this cloud of uncertainty hangs over my marriage. This woman has had no contact with us since she and I met. My H spoke to her, with me present, on the phone a few weeks ago at which time he confronted her about her claim to be a month pregnant by him (in mid-December) when they hadn't seen each other (since the 3rd week of October)over a month and a half later. She was, needless to say, nasty in her response saying, "it's not an issue" and "whatever you need to tell yourself" etc..He also told her that he'd learned about another man she'd been with...she hung up on him. So now all this uncertainty...the fear that she will hold this over my H's head for the future in the event that her H decides NOT to stay with her and raise this child. The OW now controls our lives to a certain extent and it causes me great pain. She holds all the cards. I wonder could she have miscalulated and have been further along in her pregnancy in mid December and thus my H could be the father. If she was a month pregnant in mid Nov. would the doctor know that or would they only be able to guess. We don't know her due date or anything...we are so lost and so "out of the loop" except to know that she now feels she has this to hold over our heads. I'm so lost and in such pain I don't know where to turn. My H and I have 2 grown sons, we are not telling them about this because we know nothing for sure ourselves. All we have is her declaration that she knows it's my H's. What should I do? What should I do.

Hello,
I would try to concentrate on your marriage. I would read the principles on this site. Try to stay focus on re-building your marriage.

You are right if she was only a month pregnant then the baby is not yours H. There was another poster in similar situation and they called when the baby was born and the OW told them the baby was not her husbands. She said she messed up on her dates.

If OW is due September then the baby is not your H. The baby would be due sometime in July if it is your H. I would not give OW any money until you get a DNA test done if she OW comes after your husband for money.

I understand the uncertainty because I am sitting here two years past D-Day and still don't know if OC is my H or not. OW has not tried to contact us.

Dawn

Thank you for your reply Dawn. How do you and your H deal with the uncertainty? I don't know if I should push for proof one way or the other or let sleeping dogs lie. My H wants nothing to do with OW or the OC whether or not it is his. Of course if down the road a paternity test is requested and as a result my H is shown to be the father then he will have to pay support (that's understandable of course) but NOT ever knowing, now that the OW has dropped this bomb on our lives, seems completely selfish and unreasonable on her part. She and her H want to keep the fact that paternity is uncertain from his family. He told our mutual friend that he never wants his mother to know that paternity is an issue with his wife's child. So the OW and her H get to go along pretending everythings honky dorey and my H and I get to live under this cloud. I want to take back control of this situation from this woman. If my H fathered this child, then he will have to deal with the consequenses of his stupidity. I can not allow this woman and her H to think that they now "own" us somehow and have the option of visiting this nightmare on our lives a year or more down the road when they are either no longer together or he decides that he shouldn't have to "Pay" for a kid that's not his. This is one nightmare that there's no waking up from without all the facts.

Tyme,

There's not an easy answer here, but my first recommendation would be to consult with a lawyer to see what your legal options are. My wife was pregnant with her OM's baby, and I've been raising this child (he's 4 years old now), with no interference from the OM. Here's what I would suggest that you consider.

1. You could go through the effort of legally establishing a paternity claim (in other words, get genetic testing done). If it's negative, then you're in the clear. If it's positive, then you could...

2. See if the OW would agree to allow your husband to legally sign away his rights and responsibilities as the father. If she (and her husband) are OK with that, this would end any involvement that you would have with them. Her husband could choose to adopt the child (which can be expensive), or just raise the child as his own.

3. You could let sleeping dogs lie. In this case, the longer the child is with the OW and her husband in an intact, the less likely it would be to have a child support judgement against your husband. This can vary widely in different states, and in many states there are no guarantees. In the case of my wife's pregnancy, the affair ended badly (with the OM threatening to go after custody of this yet-to-be born child, and my wife threating him to tell his wife about the affair---the OM and his wife were in a divorce/custody battle for their children). In consulting with our lawyer, we chose this route (3). Every year that goes by makes it less likely that the OM could insert himself into this child's life (and conversely, if I were to divorce my wife, I would have little chance of getting out of child support for this child).

All these decisions must be made after the baby is born. There is nothing you can legally do before the child is born---nothing you sign will be legally binding.

K, thank you. According to a "mutual friend" the OW's H wants this kept a secret. It is his intention to never tell anyone that this child may not be his. He is going to sign off as the child's father at birth. It seems the OW's H is more afraid of the legitimacy of this child being exposed than I am. What I fear, is that their rocky marriage (not to mention the damage in my own)may end at some point and then they'll come publically after my H and I.
You are obviously a very loving and forgiving man to raise your W's OC as your own. How do you deal with it? Don't you want some ounce of vengence against the OM or at least financial benefits from him for the child you're raising? Does the child have your name or the OM's? Who signed off at the hospital as the child's father upon its birth? In our state a man must willingly sign a paper declaring himself the father before the state will allow the mother to claim a particular man's paternity of the child she bore.

In the state I live in, Your husband is automatically considered the father and put on birth certificate, My husband signed nothing but he is her legal father, how ever not her biological father. But he is daddy in every sense of the word.

I agree with k, you can have your husband file on his own they will test and see if baby is your husbands and then you may be free and clear. Or if this child is your husbands, then You will have to make a new decision on what to do, some choose no contact, others choose contact.
Either decision can be hard.

The ow is not controlling your life if you dont let her, Maybe the four of you should meet and talk openly and get things straight, If her husband signs bc then you and your husband can choose to go your seperate ways and never mention it to any one.

My guess is ow and her husband are not trying to control your life, but fix their own and protect a child in the process.
hang in there

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

Tyme,

Without knowing the people involved, I'd guess that MO5's supposition is correct---these two are more interested in trying to save their marriage right now, and less worried about controlling your life. That's why the "let sleeping dogs lie" approach might be the best; if you can get confirmation of their plan to restore their marriage and have the husband raise the child---your best assistance in the matter is to stay away. If you pursue legal avenues, this will put pressure on their marriage---and you may end up provoking the very thing that you were looking to avoid.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't you want some ounce of vengence against the OM or at least financial benefits from him for the child you're raising? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've learned that vengence isn't a very satisfying dish. I don't need any financial assistance from the OM. The benefits of having this beautiful, charming little boy in my life far outweigh any of the negative aspects of having gotten to where we are now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does the child have your name or the OM's? Who signed off at the hospital as the child's father upon its birth?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The child has my name. He (and his siblings) do not yet know of his parentage. The debate to tell or not could be a lenghthy one---in general, I'm all in favor of the truth, but my wife does not want to go through this (at this point). I was at the birth, and in most states, a child born to a married couple is considered that couple's child, unless paternity is questioned (by the husband, of course).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In our state a man must willingly sign a paper declaring himself the father before the state will allow the mother to claim a particular man's paternity of the child she bore.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is most likely the case for single mothers. Again, for married couples, the child is normally considered a product of the marriage.

But this would best be confirmed by a lawyer who specializes in family/child issues in your area.