I was just wondering how you all handle the secret of the A with family and friends. In our situation we have told nobody about our "little (big) secret" but I sometimes feel bad about this because it is very obvious to my sister and my good friend that something is not right with me and I have not been forthcoming so I say things like I'm depressed because of a chemical in-balance and the doctor put me on anti-depressants. But because we are so close they are watching me and ask all the time how I am doing, I feel really bad about this but I still don't want them to know the skeletons in my closet. How do you all handle this situation?

I truely wish I had some advice that would help you but in my situation MY and UH ENTIRE family know about the A and the OC. I REGRET that they all know what happened b/c MY family hates him and it is making it even harder to forgive him b/c they are NOT supportive AT ALL! So I guess my advice is to confide in one of your most trust worthy friends or your sister, you really should have some one to talk to about this and get some emotional support from. But DO NOT let the whole family know. My UH family has decided for NC with the OC too except for his S-I-L she insists that the OC be accepted into the family and wants to form a friendship with the OW to make that happen. She has truely betrayed me too by choosing to support the OW over me when I thought her and I were good friends. She has met the OW twice that I know of but probably more that I don't know of. I'm sorry for your pain, you can alway post here for support too.

Hello,

I confided in a friend about A but NO ONE knows of OC. H and I have coped with this for several years now. It helps that we have nc. Forgiveness is the first and hardest step. After you forgive..everything just falls into place. I know that I will never forget though..some days it's 2 steps forward one step back..I just take it one day at a time and I look at what I do have instead. I focus on my career, my marriage, my kids..at the end of the day I am still thankful and feel blessed..

Let yourself be happy and if you are both willing to be happy again, you can rediscover yourselves and rebuild an even stronger marriage. It does take time but you will get through it. Have faith. I also believe this board has helped me thru many days. Just venting somewhere makes me feel a little better and makes the cross I bear feel lighter...

Take Care

My entire family knows but will not get involved nor did they treat H differently. I'm not ashamed to talk about this situation because I didn't ask to be in it. I am a victim in all of this. H put himself in a shamful position and should be ashamed. Is he? NO!!!!
Talking about this matter helps me a great deal and I'll do what ever it takes to heal myself. I've been through countless affairs with my H and now a OC. If I choose to stay with my H its my LIFE and my business not my families or friends. My family and friends can be there in many ways for me but not in the same ways that a mate can be. The decision to leave or stay will be my decision an my decision only. I believe that if its God's will my marriage can and will be saved and my H can and will be saved as well. Right now I'm trying to learn to trust in the Lord 1st and with that I'll be ok either way.

I'd advise telling as few as possible as long as possible. Tell just one or two close people who you think you can trust to be mature, relatively impartial, and supportive of YOU without bashing your marriage.

H and I waited until a year of recovery before we told our parents about OC, so that they could see us as a united opinion, and we asked them not the share the information with others, as we have not told our young children.

It's important that others not make the recovery process worse!

Best wishes,
J
in recovery 4.5y and glad I stayed

<small>[ February 09, 2003, 06:56 PM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

My H and I both decided not to tell family members about the A and OC. But even if it was something else in our M we wouldn't tell. We have always kept our problems to ourselves. To upset my parents, and his Mother is selfish. They are up in age, and can't handle alot of stress.

I have only told one close friend about it, and she doesn't talked to my family. So I know this will never get out unless we want it too.

Anyways the OW women doesn't want us involved with the OC, so the secret is there. I feel it is because of me, not my H. She had gave him a option to divorce me, and he said no. So she said she can raise this child on her own she doesn't need him.

Best wishes

Hi Firecracker,

does exOW ask for support? situation sounds just like mine, except after a couple of years OW asked for monetary support. She lives about an hour away, funny thing is we've never bumped into each other all these years...sometimes I wonder how I'd react or feel if I saw them both either while I was alone or with my h and kids. or another thought, I wonder how my h would feel/react..

take care

Ow does not ask for anything! My H was giving her money every week or just when he would see the oc. This was all done without me knowing anything H never took paternity test so we don't really know if it is H. H said when he saw her that she has his forehead(that was good enough for him) so he took her word that it was his and never asked questions. In her defense H never told her he was married and when she found out the truth she didn't want anything to do with the situation. So I feel for her also but when your in your mid thirties I would think you would have the bc thing under control. I called her and she said she had just broke off with her boyfriend of many years when H came around (never got Pregnant with him) H was with her 4 times and bam she pregnant! I know it can happen but what are the odds? We can't win the lottery!!! I told H that I wanted Paternity test and when he talked to her she said forget it because she is on assistants and she could loss housing and other stuff if more money is coming in. So it was fine when H was giving her cash but not when I got involved. So be it.

No H OW has never asked for money help. I feel she is afraid of me. She wanted my H not me, and she figured if she asked for money she was getting me too. Anyways! no one knows about it and want it that way. She is our past, so we can start a new future. If one day she decides to inforce the money issue, we are going to ask for visitation. But for know we will leave it as she wants it.