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#81939 03/15/02 04:46 PM
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 2
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brett Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 2
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It has been six weeks since I found out about W's A. Since that time I have visited this site several times to help me make sense of this mess. From many of the responses, it sounds like what I'm going through is fairly normal, but I have decided to post an entry and hopefully get some affirmation. Apparently, W's A started about 8 months ago. I will not go into the details of why I believe she betrayed me, because for the purpose of this message it really isn't relevant. Suffice it to say for many of our 17 year marriage, particularly the past couple I was not meeting here EN.
She has decided to try and make our marriage work and is no longer in contact with OM. We have started seeing a counselor, which is helping us both understand why this happened. Currently, we are both working very hard at jump starting our relationship and strengthening the marriage. We are probably more in love with each other now than we ever have been. However, we both have huge fears of what the future will bring. She fears I will return to the way I was prior to the A not meeting her EN. I am trying to reassure her that I realize my previous shortcomings and have changed and the change is sincere and will last. My fear is despite all the effort I put into meeting her EN and make the marriage work, it wont be enough and she will return to OM. Any suggestion on how we work through this?

That's the first part. Part 2 deals with my recovery or lack of. Even though we have a very strong relationship right now, I can't get over the pain, hurt and resentment of what she did. I find myself constantly thinking about them together and her loving OM both physically and emotionally. Whenever, I talk to her about it, it makes her very uncomfortable. She has been open and honest and told me most of the details of the A (probably more than I needed to know). Therefore, I don't see it as being very constructive to keep on bringing up the past which stirs negative feelings in both of us. On the other hand, if I keep holding it in, I'm afraid it's going to eat me up. I haven't slept for more than a couple of hours since I found out and its affecting my performance at work and my relationship with our daughter (she knows about the A).From reading several of the other posts, it sounds like these feelings may continue for a year or two. I don't know if I can cope with that. Are there any ways to block out the negative thoughts and just move forward? Any feedback would be much appreciated.

P.S. Being a newcomer, I accidentally posted this under the wrong heading the first time. Please forgive.


#81940 03/18/02 07:29 AM
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1
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Hello Newcomer,

This is my first posting, too. Just thought you'd appreciate a note from a guy "down the road". My wife's three-year A happened five years ago and I experienced all the trauma you've described. As father of four amazing boys and owner of a multi-million$ business, I was a hair's breadth from losing everything.

The initial impulse is to cut-bait and run... DON'T! By walking (and sometimes being carried) through the pain, you will find your healing. Sometimes progress is measured in inches. I leaned on every available resource: family, "safe" friendships, church members & pastors, support groups, counselors. The walls I had built over the years starting coming down as I became more transparent with others.

Another key for me was redescovering ME after 13 years of taking care of others. Ironically, I went back to pre-marriage hobbies and sports: joined the YMCA and a rock climbing gym, treated myself to dinners out with friends, traveled to Europe, rediscovered my community, contacted old high-school buddies and renewed "lost" acquaintances, read books, wrote letters, PRAYED (now, there's a concept!).

Although our marriage is not yet reconciled, my boys are strong and healthy, my business is in the black and thriving, my (now ex)wife has stopped running away is talking about "us" again. I'm still learning to "let go and let God", but the small steps are now confident strides. Keep looking up!


#81941 08/01/02 09:29 PM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 18
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Posts: 18
Brett,

I completely understand where you are. I found out a month ago about my W's 4 month A, which has resulted in pregnancy.

EN's - we've talked about this a lot, and I know where you are coming from. The one I have not been meeting is the only one that's caused her to fall to temptation, and that's sexual fulfillment. Won't go into details on it, but suffice to say that I am one determined man! I'm overseas right now, which doesn't help me in the least, but we've discussed quite a bit what the problem is, and how we can both move toward "center" in order for me to be able to meet her need.

Me - I still have days when I can't have a sensuous thought about my WW, becuase the first picture popping into my head is of her and OM. Makes me want to destroy something! I still have a very difficult time sleeping (it's 5:20 a.m. where I am now, and I haven't slept all night), sometimes for no other reason but the pictures that go through my mind once everything else leaves it. Remember, an idle mind (like idle hands) is the devil's playground.

Counseling - This has been my sanity. I've been talking to a chaplain at least 1-2 times per week since I found out. When a chaplain isn't available, I've got a couple wonderful Christian brothers who are willing to listen. I fully admit that I am not fully mission capable at work right now. I can't tell my personnel this, but I do empower them a bit more right now, and give them more leeway. In one aspect, it's allowing me to maintain my sanity; in another, it's growing junior leaders. It's a good compromise.

Recovery - I don't think it's possible to block out negative feelings. I've had to face them and talk about them. I asked my WW a lot of questions early on that I shouldn't have, and I paid for it by way of the "Policy of Radical Honesty". The answers hurt worse than the questions at times. I asked, though. It won't last forever, though. I don't know if you are Christian or not, but putting in extra time at work, and some extra time being involved with the church has helped me tremendously. Keep busy with things that are important (church, your family, and work), so as to prevent the devil from entering your mind with torturous thoughts. That's all I can say, coming from a place very near where you are now.

I hope and pray that this helps you, brother.


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