I like many others here have taken a break from posting as I obviously have not been a success story.

As you all know WH filed for D one week before Christmas. He figured it would all be nice and friendly, and of course he feels he is offering such a fantastic settlement that I should say "gee thanks, have a great life with OW and your two OC".

This has been an absolute horrible experience. I am probably about 2 months away from finalizing the D. Over and over I kept asking him if this was really what he wanted. Or was it just guilt over the two OC.

We tried the visitation route, but it was never going to work because of the OW contantly wanting WH to be a full time father to the OC. She did not want our marriage to succeed. And neither OW or WH wanted to go thru the court system.

After 18 months I finally started to tell people about our situtation. I had kept this secret the entire time, even from my own family. I finally told my parents in December. It was a crushing blow to them as they had respected WH, and with such a long marriage 27years, they never would have believed it would happen. But the one good thing happened after telling my parents, I finally felt a burden lifted. I was tired of covering up for WH, I was finally free to discuss it with them. I even avoided visiting them for 6 months because of the pain I was in trying to work on my marriage.

Well I finally went to visit my parents the first week of Jan, for a week. It was a wonderful visit, they were supportive of me, offering any help they could. As some remember I avoided telling them because of my mother's heart problems. Well I was home for one week after my visit, and was called back immeadiately, I was on a plane in an hour, and 8 hours later I saw my mother for the last time. She passed away about 6 hours after getting to hospital.

During the week I spent with my father my WH was absolutely horrible. I called him at the wrong times looking for support, I was told I was an embarassment, and he was embarrassed he ever married me (because I called when he was at OW's house)He told me as soon as I returned home he wanted a meeting with the attys to get this divorce moving. Why did I ever think that he would offer any compassion for me. Was he afraid to offer any compassion? Was he feeling guilty that he was at OW house and could not talk freely, and didn't want her to think that he still had any love left?

I returned home and WH was to pick me up at the airport. We had had more phone disputes right up till the time of my leaving. It was to the point that I told him, If he wasn't there to pick me up I would take a cab home. The choice was his. Never really thinking he would be so cold and cruel one week after my mothers death. But I guess he took it as a challenge, or OW challenged him, and he did not show up at the airport. I stood there in the middle of the airport bawling. I called him and asked if he really wasn't coming to pick me up, and he said I told him not to come. I guess that is what he wanted to hear. So I took a cab home to a empty house, and no one to talk to.

So the battles rage on. WH has all but moved in with OW, I have been told by OW not to call her house unless it is an emergency. WH turns off his cell when he is there at night. Tonight I needed to contact him, so I did call OW's phone, too bad, she didn't like it, but when there is a problem with our children and it needs to be discussed, I feel I have every right to call my husband. He called me every name in the book tonight. Thank goodness I am almost getting immune to it. He has turned so hateful.

But I do feel that the fog has lifted for him, as last week he had a meltdown, and told me his life was all fricked up. The fantasy life is not what he thought. Both OChave been sick off and on for 10 days, he has had to miss work to stay home with them so OW won't lose her job. He felt the sting when our D ignored him, and did not speak to him. This is the child (23) who worshiped the ground he walked on, now she has lost all respect for him and the poor choices he has made in his life. She has no desire to be a part of his life with the OW or OC(half sibblings)That had to really hurt his pride watching her walk past him without acknowledging him. And he is not willing to do the work it takes to repair their relationship. Just like our marriage, it took too much work on his part, and we didn't heal quick enough, or forgive soon enough.

Sorry that I have rambled on so. What have I learned over these past now almost 2 years? The only way our marriage would have had a prayer would have been NC. I tried visitation, learned to honestly care for the OC, but OW controlled the entire situation. Such a sad way to end 27 years of marriage. Even after all this crap that has gone on, there is a major part of me that wants my marriage to continue. I am not like my husband who can turn off my emotions. The selfishness of WH and OW have destroyed so many lives. But then the OW tells me "It was meant to be". What a wonderful fantasy.

Thanks for letting me vent/pour out my emotions.

Tina

Tina,
what a sad story. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It's obvious you still care for your H, and as you correctly predicted, he is slowly understanding what a mess he made of it.

I have not walked in your shoes and have no right to judge or advise. I hope you find healing and peace.

God be with you,
J

Tina,

Please don't feel like you can't post here. It isn't like you failed. If you worked on changes in yourself and gave your best effort to save your marriage then you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are not a failure. You husband failed (numerous times) to meet the committment he made to you on your wedding day. As a result of his selfish, self-sabatoging behavior, your marriage failed.

I haven't been where you have been, so my advice doesn't count for much. Have you considered a truly Harley-Plan B? No contact, none, none, none. Get an itermediary or handle crises with your kids on your own. You might be looking for support and compassion and rides from the airport in the wrong place. It must be awful to know that your H of 27 years cares so little that he cannot offer sympathy upon the death of your mother. Your lives are so intertwined that separating them must be horribly painful. However...this man is toxic to you and your well being. He is pure, pure poison. That is the point of Plan B--protect yourself. Just as a WS is supposed to cut all contact with the OP because it might inflame old feelings, you should consider never speaking to him again because of the despair and pain he brings to your life. He wants you to be his shoulder-to-cry-on when he wants to moan that his new life isn't what he thought it would be--too bad. He needs to know what life is like without you, really without you, not you on the sidelines waiting for him to come home. He is still a cakeman. He has her on one side meeting some of his needs and he wants you on the other side meeting others (but only when he wants you, the rest of the time, he apparently wants you to be quiet and invisible). That behavior isn't tolerable in people who hate us, let alone in those we are married to. His sin, his bad, his wrong--not yours. Yup, you might lose him for good, but what good is he right now anyway? What good things has he brought into your life in a very long, long time? Right now you have only good memories of your time with him, you can still have that after a divorce, but without any of the ongoing trauma.

((((((((Tina)))))))

God bless,
MJ

Dear Tina,

First please accept my sincere sympathy over the loss of your Mother. I am sorry you must deal with so much lately. I hope your Dad will be ok.

I ditto everything that MJ has told you.

Your H has been horrible to you. About EVERYTHING!

I had written that to you in the recent past, and I know how hard it will be to stay away, but what can be worse than what you have already gone through?

Your H has shown you nothing but heartache. He is being insensitve and cold.

The airport scene must have been just awful for you.

Please do not waste another breath on your H. Give it all to your Daughter and Son. They appreciate and love you.

Tina you are stronger than you realize. Strong women cry too. Your strength throughout all that has happened in the past years is incredible! You did not fail. You will not fall w/o your H, but begin to stand up and flourish.

May God bless you and give you peace.
You are in my prayers.

love
Debi

Dear Tina,
I'm sorry to hear about your mom and that you are having to deal with family crises all alone. I'm sorry your husband has been such a dork for all these years and the way he is forcing you into isolation as if your life before OW didn't even exist??? Such disrespect! No, you don't deserve to be treated like this, but remember he is planting seeds.

I am glad that you had the loving support of both of your parents for a brief time. Perhaps now you and your dad can become even closer than ever? Sounds like you still need his shoulder to cry on a little bit.

Hang in there and I'm sure this will all backfire on your stbx. I would even dare to say don't be surprised if he ever calls you up to ask if you'll take him back! I just bet you?!! For some reason, I can see this happening and I think you should plan now what you will say when/if that ever happens. I hope he doesn't wait til it is too late to win you back.

My hunch is that you still love him now and he still has a chance if he would only snap out of it. I hope he doesn't blow every chance he could possibly have to win you back. Divorce doesn't necessarily mean the end... You never know?

<small>[ February 10, 2003, 03:50 PM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

Tina
mary jane makes a good point, he does need to know what he is missing. when those we love are using and abusing us, they dont seem to notice till they dont have us there any more. But he needs to see you getting on with life as hard and immpossible as that may seem. He is losing his children and home and wife of all those years, He knows it, he just doesnt know how to right his wrong.
Sometimes men dont like to admit they are wrong and they lash out because of guilt not because of hate, He doesnt hate you, he just doesn't know what to do and is taking the easy way out. Sorry your hurting so.

Thank you all for taking time to offer your sympathy for my mom. And for continuing to remind me what I am doing to myself by holding on to some slim hope that everything will be back to normal with my marriage. Not gonna happen is it?

It is so hard when there are so many triggers surrounding me. But I did do something so out of the norm for me yesterday. I had my first professional massage at a day spa, and then went out and had my first manicure. The manicure was quite an experience if any of yours are like ours in the midwest. All Oriental manicurists, and I wasn't sure what the heck I was getting till it was all finished, but they look great.

Then I called my attorney and talked to her for a while, and scheduled a meeting for next week to see where we are at in the process. She said that H's atty and H, want a face to face meeting to go over the terms. I am not looking forward to that, and there is no rush, at least I am not the one that is in a hurry to "get it over with".

Thanks for all of you to come out of the woodwork and give your support. I miss you guys.

Tina

Good for you, You deserve it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> a very big and positive step, think about you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The manicure was quite an experience if any of yours are like ours in the midwest. All Oriental manicurists, and I wasn't sure what the heck I was getting till it was all finished, but they look great.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Atta girl Tina! Get those nails done.
I go to Vietnamese manicurists myself here in the midwest.....I continued even a week after d-day, explaining my red eyes due to a cold....

Well how about when they just start talking to each other and you don't know what the heck they are saying? It's adorable....

Then there was the time I saw a Buddah type doll with coffee in front of it. I asked what it was. They "offer" to him each day. Last time they had papayas and mangoes and pineapples.(last week)

Once I brought polish from home that was a little thick, I told the girl I was sorry it was thick, she said "no sorry....it ok...no sorry..." Too sweet.

Tina, you keep up the being nice to you for now.

Please do Plan B, please.

As all have said here, he needs to be truly alone w/o the comforts of you until he changes his ways.

As far as the lawyer. Bite the bullet.

If things do go through and he has a change of heart after all, I'll get you a Greek store to get a new wedding gown. Right out of the movies! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Tullah's!

Prayers Tina. I'm rooting for ya.

love
Debi

Tina,

There's nothing I can add to this or advise you except, (((((((Hugs)))))))) and prayers.

Please accept my sorrow also in the loss of your mother. My mother has heart problems and we almost lost her during surgery recently.

I wish I had nails to get a manicure! I bite mine....I'm horrible!

You are special to me and I admire how you are moving on despite all this pain. You can hold your head up high and know that you are the better person for all of this.

I would stop calling your STBX at OW's house...let him find out first hand that life with her ain't gonna be a sweet thing all the time...sooner or later the "honeymoon" bubble bursts. Men..sometimes you wanna hit them on the side of the head for being so stubborn! (No offense to the truly terrific men that post and lurk here.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

I can not thank you enough also for thinking of me during my difficult time and the gift you sent....THANK YOU.

You are special, you are loved by God and us and you will move on and be stronger, wiser and the best person that you are. You're gonna move the world woman!

Love ya,
Twiisty

<<I wish I had nails to get a manicure! I bite mine....I'm horrible!>>

Twiisty, that is exactly why I went. I have been a habitual nail biter since day one. You would think after almost 50 years, I would have kicked the habit. They just slapped on some fake nail tips, and polished away.

<<If things do go through and he has a change of heart after all, I'll get you a Greek store to get a new wedding gown. Right out of the movies! Tullah's! >>

Gem, I finally saw that movie this morning, rented it along with Sweet Home Alabama. Figured I needed a "Girl's" Movie weekend.

And now for the news where you all will be saying UGH!!! I leave for a meet tomorrow with H. I decided to go ahead and ride with him, we will be coming back home tomorrow night, that is if the weather holds out. Big winter storm blowing in tomorrow. But I can't say I would be disappointed if we get snowed in, separate rooms of course, but that sure would put a damper on the Valentines Day Celebration for H and OW tomorrow night. Aren't I terrible!

Tina