I cried terribly when I read this about the lessons children learn.That brought me back to being a little girl,then a teen,and now...always with the lessons I was taught and wanted to change.....what a sad but true article.Why,after all these years does it bring back such pain???Maybe because it's being taught to my daughter. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hello, I am 23 years old. My parents have been married for over 25 years. Last September, my mom decided to pack all her things and leave my dad and siblings. Although I am older, it was still extremely devastating. Watching her pack her belongings and watching my dad cry of hopelessness really broke my heart. It was one of the toughest things i've had to endure as a child.<p>Later, we find out she's been having an affair with my dad's friend. Another person that we trusted our whole life. It was the ultimate betrayel for us in our minds, but think about my dad. His bestfriend and wife for over 25 years could do such a thing.<p>Now, its been about 7 months. My mom is back home. However, she still keeps contact with the bestfriend. WHY? But she tells my dad that she will forever be faithful to him, but her actions proove otherwise. <p>As an adult, from my child perspective, my life seems very confusing.

This article was also very painful for me. My husband had an affair with our next door neighbor and close family friend. The relationship is over. We have moved to a different home and are slowly rebuilding our life. We have two daughters 12 and 10 yrs. old. When we decided that we were going to try and work things out I insisted that my husband end his relationship with her and then tell my daughters about the affair. I watched as he explained to them that he had made a terrible mistake and that he was wrong. It was very painful for all of us. They had two children the same age as our girls, we did a lot of things together, birthdays holidays etc. I still worry about the lessons learned and I don't think my children or I will ever be so trusting and willing to make such close friends again. We have discussed it. They still see each other in school and it is very uncomfortable for them. Even with work to repair damage I can't be sure how this will impact their futures!

Hello,
I am a brand new member to this forum. I have visited it before and have been able to relate to some of the posts. I am a devastated betrayed wife of almost 30 years marriage. He has finally admitted to the affair and has made an effort to let me know that he is sorry and that he loves me but he doesn't seem to want to talk about it and I have only been able to talk to him probably, not even an hour about the whole thing. I have known now, for over a year. This is eating me up. I don't care to know details, but just so many questions. I can't get it off of my mind and sometimes I get so mad at him because I feel that he is getting off so easy and I doubt very seriously, if I had done the same thing, it would have been a different story. I know what I need to do, but it is such a hard topic to bring up and it upsets me as well as him. I want so badly to get pass this and feel normal again.
Can anyone relate to what I am feeling or maybe have any advice. Sometimes I feel so good about him and then I think a lot about what has happened and I get so mad at him and feel so hurt.
I feel that he has let the whole family down, although my children don't know about it, but they were betrayed also.
Thanks.

Hi Paint1013,<p>I'm a new member as well, but have been very impressed with what I've seen here at MB....<p>Rest assured, your post, and the feelings that you expressed are all very familiar to me. My wife felt that she needed to find "love" in the arms of other men during our first three years of marriage. I knew about two affairs, and just recently (actually just over a year ago), she decided to tell me about four more. I don't know if it was out of guilt that she told me, but I'm glad that she did so that we can now start the re-building process.<p>Yes, it still hurts. I don't know what triggers many of the thoughts from the past, but they still come up... I will say that they are usually not as intense and that they don't last as long. <p>From your post, it appears that your husband hasn't grasped just how much he hurt you.... That will take a while. Until the wayward spouse attempts to feel the pain that they've caused their loved ones, I don't think that they will EVER be willing to work through the past. Just acknowledging that they "hurt" you and that they are "sorry" is usually all that the wayward spouse wants to do at first. My wife kept asking me for the longest time to just "forgive her" and "move on"... or if I really wanted to "talk" about what happened, she would tell me that I was just "holding the past over her head".... Pure defensiveness .... and comments like that would send me through the roof!!! <p>It takes time to re-build. It took time for me and my wife to drift apart (by not meeting each others emotional needs)... It took time for each affair to "blossom".... and it took time for each one to die. YOU are in control of whether or not you want to continue to re-build your marriage...and YOU are the only one that can decide WHEN you're through dealing with it.<p>Don't let it eat you up... but DO process your hurt and anger. A spouse that commits adulter has proven that they have absolutely, positively NO regard for their spouses feelings OR for their marriage. You shouldn't be affraid to tell your husband just how much he hurt you... in fact, you SHOULD tell him very plainly exactly that. Don't hold back any of the anger that you are feeling... He obviously didn't care about your feelings, so why should you care about his? Plus, he's already shown the "committment" that he has to your marriage. I "stuffed" my feelings over the first two affairs, and when I learned about the other four, all of the pain and hurt from those two came back just as strong as if it happened yesterday. Deal with your anger in a Godly way (no violence, be respectful, ect.)<p>Once I got past the initial stage of anger, (and I'll be honest, there are times that I still get angry about all of this), you'll need to grieve your losses. IF your husband reaches the point where he realizes just how much he hurt you, then he will need to grieve his losses as well. (I have found that it's easier to deal with the anger as time passes, but it does still come up occasionally...)<p>It's only then that the two of you can start re-building... Again, all of this takes time and a huge committment from both of you... Just remember that YOU are in control now and YOU have the power to continue your marriage, or to take other steps as you feel led.<p>You mention in your post that sometimes you feel good about him, then sometimes you don't. That's perfectly normal... It really isn't fair, but the betrayed spouse has to "pay" for the wayward spouse's affair twice... The "payment" comes when you first find out about it. There's nothing more emotionally painful than to find out that your spouse has had an affair. The second "payment" comes when you start re-building... We have to deal with all of the pain and hurt all over again.<p>I know that my next statements will most probably seem way off base, but I know from personal experience that they're true... You have to search for the reason that your spouse strayed and you need to find out what emotional needs you weren't meeting that caused the CONDITIONS for an affair to occur in your marriage. Notice that I'm not saying that you caused your husband to stray.... just that you were responsible for creating the conditions that made him feel that he needed to have his emotional needs met by some other woman...<p>Sorry this is so long.... I hope this helps. Hang in there and remember that YOU are in control now.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Rebuilding in Faith 90:
<strong>Hi Paint1013,<p>I'm a new member as well, but have been very impressed with what I've seen here at MB....<p>Rest assured, your post, and the feelings that you expressed are all very familiar to me. My wife felt that she needed to find "love" in the arms of other men during our first three years of marriage. I knew about two affairs, and just recently (actually just over a year ago), she decided to tell me about four more. I don't know if it was out of guilt that she told me, but I'm glad that she did so that we can now start the re-building process.<p>Yes, it still hurts. I don't know what triggers many of the thoughts from the past, but they still come up... I will say that they are usually not as intense and that they don't last as long. <p>From your post, it appears that your husband hasn't grasped just how much he hurt you.... That will take a while. Until the wayward spouse attempts to feel the pain that they've caused their loved ones, I don't think that they will EVER be willing to work through the past. Just acknowledging that they "hurt" you and that they are "sorry" is usually all that the wayward spouse wants to do at first. My wife kept asking me for the longest time to just "forgive her" and "move on"... or if I really wanted to "talk" about what happened, she would tell me that I was just "holding the past over her head".... Pure defensiveness .... and comments like that would send me through the roof!!! <p>It takes time to re-build. It took time for me and my wife to drift apart (by not meeting each others emotional needs)... It took time for each affair to "blossom".... and it took time for each one to die. YOU are in control of whether or not you want to continue to re-build your marriage...and YOU are the only one that can decide WHEN you're through dealing with it.<p>Don't let it eat you up... but DO process your hurt and anger. A spouse that commits adulter has proven that they have absolutely, positively NO regard for their spouses feelings OR for their marriage. You shouldn't be affraid to tell your husband just how much he hurt you... in fact, you SHOULD tell him very plainly exactly that. Don't hold back any of the anger that you are feeling... He obviously didn't care about your feelings, so why should you care about his? Plus, he's already shown the "committment" that he has to your marriage. I "stuffed" my feelings over the first two affairs, and when I learned about the other four, all of the pain and hurt from those two came back just as strong as if it happened yesterday. Deal with your anger in a Godly way (no violence, be respectful, ect.)<p>Once I got past the initial stage of anger, (and I'll be honest, there are times that I still get angry about all of this), you'll need to grieve your losses. IF your husband reaches the point where he realizes just how much he hurt you, then he will need to grieve his losses as well. (I have found that it's easier to deal with the anger as time passes, but it does still come up occasionally...)<p>It's only then that the two of you can start re-building... Again, all of this takes time and a huge committment from both of you... Just remember that YOU are in control now and YOU have the power to continue your marriage, or to take other steps as you feel led.<p>You mention in your post that sometimes you feel good about him, then sometimes you don't. That's perfectly normal... It really isn't fair, but the betrayed spouse has to "pay" for the wayward spouse's affair twice... The "payment" comes when you first find out about it. There's nothing more emotionally painful than to find out that your spouse has had an affair. The second "payment" comes when you start re-building... We have to deal with all of the pain and hurt all over again.<p>I know that my next statements will most probably seem way off base, but I know from personal experience that they're true... You have to search for the reason that your spouse strayed and you need to find out what emotional needs you weren't meeting that caused the CONDITIONS for an affair to occur in your marriage. Notice that I'm not saying that you caused your husband to stray.... just that you were responsible for creating the conditions that made him feel that he needed to have his emotional needs met by some other woman...<p>Sorry this is so long.... I hope this helps. Hang in there and remember that YOU are in control now.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p> [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] Thank goodness there is SOMEONE willing to acknowledge how much children are hurt by their parent's affairs! I've been screamin' it to the moon and anyone else who would listen for YEARS - even before my own husband polluted my marriage with his affair I knew how much they hurt children because of my own childhood. <p>I can't tell you how many nights I sobbed in my bed because I could hear my mother sobbing at the piano - because dad didn't come home again. I can't tell you how many times I went to her on those nights, she would play and I would sing and the music would surround us with a comforting peace...... I remember all too well those lessons that infidelity taught me. I'm doing my best to 'un-teach' my own children now that my husband has regained his brain - or rather re-possessed it from that southern region of his anatomy. I hope I can undo the damage sufficiently that they don't vomit on their dad every time they see him like I do my own.<p>Man - it's pretty bad when you can't even be in the same room with someone because they disgust you THAT much. He (my sperm donar) disgusts me THAT much and I don't care if he dies a horrid death - he deserves it after stealing so much of my mother's life with his lies. the pig<p>Heart66