FIRST I want to thank all of you for your support and advice. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. I'm scared TO divorce him and yet scared NOT to divorce him. I know that I should be happy or at least grateful for a spouse who is SO willing to do whatever it takes to stay together but I just don't feel that way. He has done some wonderful things and seems sincere since d-day but after all the lies and secrets HOW do KNOW that what the UH tell you is the truth?? Why should I believe that he will NEVER cheat on me again when he said he would NEVER cheat on me in the first place? How do you believe them again? How do you EVER trust them again and with out TRUST what is a marriage?? Won't it be easier to get BACK together under NEW terms, since to me our whole 4yr marriage was lie since he slept with 3 women (2 ONS & a co-worker/friend about 6 times) BEFORE our ONE year anniversary and has been lying to hide it ever since?? Since he didn't use protection with the "friend" he got her pg and SHE had his 1st born child?? Then started with her again 1.5 years later after OUR son was born about 3 times for sex and about 4-5 times for oral sex in her car!! HE says he felt like he HAD to be with her again to keep his secret going or she would have told even MORE people than she already had?? IT just doesn't make sense to me. Should I EVER believe a man who brought his OW to OUR house once for sex? Had sex with her once in "OUR" park? Whats left for me? What was special about our marriage when he didn't leave ANYTHING sacred in my opinion. I WANT to believe that he loves me and will never do this again but HOW will you EVER 100% feel safe and secure again? If I don't divorce him won't he just "WIN"? Got his cake and eat it too for almost 3 years? Will a US ever take the BS seriously if you are willing to take them back and give them a second chance? Aren't you just saying that what they did is "OK"? Only 10 days to the divorce!! I'm SO LOST!!

Its not easy... No one said this was going to be easy...
No one said Marriage was easy.. no one said that when we are betrayed its going to be an easy thing.

There are NO easy answers. Not one.

No one can tell you what to do. We are here to support you and try to help you.. but none of us can TELL you what is best for you and your family.

What I will say to you is this,
You need to take more time to make a decision. Let no one tell you that you MUST make that decision in the next 10 days.
You need to sort all this out in your own mind.

As my Dad used to say... if there is a doubt, DON'T do it.
You are doubting your need for the divorce. Don't get divorced until you are sure.

I do know this... each of our situations are different.. yet there are many that are similar.
But each of us that have stayed and fought for our marriages, are proud of what WE have done... even those who have gone on to divorce.
They FOUGHT the good fight for their marriages... and because they did everything they could.. they are to be commended.
To work on your marriage is not something to be ashamed of. It is a TOUGH thing to do... as it has been said, It ain't for sissies.

Take your time... it is going to take LOTS of time to come to grips with the whole A thing... and no matter what side of Divorce you are on... Divorced or Not... you are still going to be dealing with the aftermath of the Affair...

You have one thing going for you.. a H that is trying. Many of us have had to do ALL the work on our Marriages... Give him the chance to do what YOU want him to do... He is willing, take him up on it.

My heart goes out to you. I have been in your shoes and they are a tight fit.. they hurt and pinch constantly, but sooner or later they do loosen up. They are now a pair I wear with a little pride in that I walked a long way in them and I am now much happier because I worked hard in them.
They no longer pinch... they are scuffed up.. and a reminder to me of how far I have come.

Please take more time to work on yourself and your marriage.
Don't do anything, until you know what it is that you feel is right for you and your family.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HOW do KNOW that what the UH tell you is the truth?? Why should I believe that he will NEVER cheat on me again when he said he would NEVER cheat on me in the first place?

This, you don't know when they speak the truth but have an inner feeling that tells you he is. My H always said he'd never cheat, and if I ever wanted to, divorce him first so as not to "shame his name". A lot of betrayers have said those things.

How do you believe them again? How do you EVER trust them again and with out TRUST what is a marriage?? Won't it be easier to get BACK together under NEW terms, since to me our whole 4yr marriage was lie since he slept with 3 women (2 ONS & a co-worker/friend about 6 times) BEFORE our ONE year anniversary and has been lying to hide it ever since??

Yes getting together under "new terms" is what MB ia all about. My H did the wild thing directly before our 25th anniversary in '99. Both are very special anniversaries. First and 25th! The amount of times he's been w/ow? how do you know? Did H confess? If so, there is a chance he wants to stop this errant behaviour. Listen to him with you heart....a wise person here told me that back in 2001. Listen to him and get into MC w/Harleys if you can.

Since he didn't use protection with the "friend" he got her pg and SHE had his 1st born child?? Then started with her again 1.5 years later after OUR son was born about 3 times for sex and about 4-5 times for oral sex in her car!! HE says he felt like he HAD to be with her again to keep his secret going or she would have told even MORE people than she already had?? IT just doesn't make sense to me.

Almost the exact thing was told to me by my H. He wanted to leave but didn't because ow was about to spill the beans. Then ow conceived. H's bad 'eh? It does make sense as ow in our circumstance had sent me letters (2) before d-day all unsigned, and I didn't believe it. You would have to know the history, but H did construction work for her and her Mom. The letters said my H was *ucking OW for the money" I thought it was because a spec house H built w/1/2 her money wasn't sold for enough money.....Anyway....it's a story I've heard before.

Should I EVER believe a man who brought his OW to OUR house once for sex? Had sex with her once in "OUR" park? Whats left for me? What was special about our marriage when he didn't leave ANYTHING sacred in my opinion. I WANT to believe that he loves me and will never do this again but HOW will you EVER 100% feel safe and secure again? If I don't divorce him won't he just "WIN"? Got his cake and eat it too for almost 3 years? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You must listen to your H.... You must give this time. I too feel at times "there is nothing special left". That is not true. There is plenty of time to work together to solve problems. There is time to love each other again and watch your children grow together. If you have a doubt then stop the proceedings and work on your marriage. Tell your H you want counseling. I am willing to bet he will do anything to save the marriage if he loves you. He seems out of the fog. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You may affair proof the marriage and have many wonderful new opportunities to create new special times and anniversaries. Or you may not. If you go ahead w/divorce you'll never know. Prayers to you. Give things time. You have been wounded but not mortally. Look at that as your first gift!

It takes time and effort. At least try.

LOVE and PRAYERS
Debi

<small>[ February 19, 2003, 04:32 PM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>

I may not be the best person to even attempt at answering this but I will give you my opinion. Please remember that opinions are personal and not meant to be taken for your own. Only you can decide what is best for you. (as Stacia already said)

1. I think that you already know what you want to do but you are scared to make that step. I think you are scared that you will look weak and stupid in your eyes and in the eyes of those people who know about your situation.

My opinion is WHO CARES what other people think. You are what matters - what do you think? Those people do not live your life and should not have a say-so in your decision. The decision should truthfully be between you and God.

2. Can you trust him? Well, the truth is that you can only trust him to be him. And, I'm not sure if I can explain this well but he has already had this affair and the oc so you know that about him. Can you be for sure that he will never cheat again? NO. You can't be sure of that - you also can't be sure of when you will die, you also can't be sure of what your children will grow up and do with their lives - LIFE itself offers no guarantee. However, if your H is willing to do counseling, and read the principles on this site, read other books, and if you and him don't love bust, and meet each other's EN's then you have a chance.

You are looking for something absolutely 100% fool-proof and unfortunately that does not exist.

3. I'm not sure what you mean by new terms....I suppose you could go through with the divorce and date him afterwards and decide from there but I would suggest you guys do counseling asap and postpone the divorce. The divorce lawyers and courts will always be there - if you wait another couple of months or a year, what's the difference? If you are unsure if you should be doing this then don't do it - don't do it until you know deep down in your gut that you did everything possible.

4. And does he win if you take him back? I do not think so. I don't know your personal situation but I suspect that none of the WS's win. I don't know if they hurt to the level that we do but isn't that part of forgiveness in that we relinquish the right to punish them? We give up the right to make them pay for what they did?

I have read your posts many times and I can be totally honest with you when I say that I'm only three months into this and almost daily I ask myself WHY do I bother. My H and I don't even have any kids together - just property which is easily divided so I could bolt now and not have to worry about being permanently attached to him through kids. However, right now I know that I'm not ready to make any decision. I'm not even done processing this right now to make a decision on stay or go. I have to have peace about my decision and when the time is right my soul will tell me whether it's to stay and know that I tried or to go and know that's best for me too.

I think you know your own answers. We unfortunately don't live your life - you have to make that decision yourself.

Angelia

I was in a similar situation, Do I try to recover my M with UW or continue the divorce paper work after 1.5 years of separation (I filed about a year ago). I made the decision this morning to put the family +1 back together and recover. I have been depressed for weeks trying to figure out what is right, listening others opinion both in favor and against. In the end it was god and me, I know I made the right decision. Trust your faith. Once I made the decision and told everyone, a great burden was releived and I have had a very peacefull afternoon. Trust your faith that your decision either way is right.

John

I just read the book How To Heal A Painful Relationship and If Necessary How To Part As Friends by Bill Ferguson. He gives great advise. I e-mailed my H the chapter, Acknowledge The Love That's There. I want my H to relize that he does love me instead of deny it. In fact on the phone the next day we were talking and he ended with "Love you, talk to you later." He has made sure that he doesn't say that to me. He is living with OW and their babies, two under two. Check out Furguson's website (www.divorceasfriends.com, www.billferguson.com and www.effectiveliving.com.) He has appeared on Ophra. He says that any relationship can heal. Stop the divorce and see what can happen.