I started dating a man last August who said he had been divorced for a year and it was definitely over. He lied. He was separated and only separated for a month or so. I didn’t find out till several months into the dating relationship. It ended up while we were dating he went back to his wife.

He has a 5 year old son and his wife is an incredible lady. I think he made the right choice but I just found out I’m pregnant. If his wife finds out that he basically cheated on her and that I am pregnant it could put their new start in jeopardy. I couldn’t go through with the abortion. Should I just disappear and never tell him? I know he won’t want the baby or have anything to do with it and I don’t want to be the cause of any marriage problems or have him hating the baby. Please let me know if you have been in this situation or if you have any advice. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Please help.

I forgot to add, no matter what happens in his marriage I am NOT an option for him. The affair ended the day I found out it was an affair and not a date. If you are a man out there what would you want me to do?

scm:

Wow! What a sad story! I applaud you for coming here, though. There are many people on here who have had similar experiences, and can offer you some REAL help. I personally would be all for the radical honesty approach, meaning, tell everybody everything. What this guy did to you and his W was very unfair, and will likely happen again if he's allowed to "get away" with it. He also has a responsibility to your child since he's the father. You also owe him the opportunity to choose whether HE wants to be a part of the child's life or not. If so, you'll need to work out some sort of visitation arrangements (people here have done that successfully, believe it or not) or at the very least child support. He might not want this, though. Only by telling him will you find out.

His W deserves to know the truth. I didn't find out about my W's A until 11 years after it started. I wish I had known 12 years ago. If our M couldn't have been saved because of the "state it was in" at the time, I could have at least started over and even had another family by now if I had wanted to (I don't, but that's my CHOICE, one that I now have, whereas I wasn't shown the respect of being given a choice 12 years ago). Many people worry about informing the BS if they don't already know, thinking that they won't "hurt them unnecessarily" by not telling them. Her H has already hurt her by his behavior. It's up to him to do everything he can to help heal that hurt, and PROVE to his W that he won't hurt her in that fashion again.

I'm very sorry he lied to you. I wish you and your baby all the best,
-Qfwfq

Forget what is best for him and do what is best for you and that baby.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Forget what is best for him and do what is best for you and that baby. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I might add also, don't forget his "innocent" child too, who will be going through this turmoil. There are other parties to consider besides the OW/OC/Ex-MM.

I had to add that, as my four children suffered greatly because of my H's and ex-ow's choices and actions. If it weren't for the kindness of people here, and my church family, we would have gone under.

That's just my thoughts.

Yes, do what is best for the health and interest of you and your child, but also consider the child of the marriage too and how their lifestyle will be altered also. You can be fair and adult about this. Do everything you can to be fair and adult.

Twiisty

I am most worried about his wife and little boy. They are both completely innocent and I guess thats why I'm wondering if I should just disappear. I've read a lot on the marriage builders site and I've read the book. I believe so strongly it the No Contact rule if they ever have a chance to be happy. If I tell him about the pregnancy, I am the one who will be the cause of all his families pain and how can she heal if she has to see the baby? and how will it affect his son? I am trying so hard to convince myself to just have an abortion and never tell anybody but it's not the baby's fault.

Twiisty and Mother of Five, What would you do?

<small>[ February 23, 2003, 09:16 AM: Message edited by: scmagic2003 ]</small>

scmagic:

twiisty and mom of five are definitely more knowledgeable in how to deal with your particular situation, but:

" They are both completely innocent and I guess thats why I'm wondering if I should just disappear. "

This may be your option, but remember that if you do this, your xOM will very likely repeat his infidelity with someone else.

-Qfwfq

If I read this correctly, you started dating this man believing that he was divorced, and you ended the relationship when you found out that he was in fact married? To me, it seems like you were innocent in this as well. That MM that LIED is the only guilty party as far as I can see. I don't think you should bear the consequences of this on your own. An abortion will certainly stick with you mentally for a looooong time, if not forever, especially if you are againt it in the first place. I would say tell him privately and let him decide the best way to inform his wife. I also agree with twiisty, be fair and adult about it. Maybe you can come to an out of court settlement that would be fair to ALL children involved. His wife deserves to know but he should be the one to tell her. Just like he deserves to know he's going to be a father, YOU should be the one to tell him. if he hears from other sources from around the way that you are pregnant he will wonder why YOU didn't say anything to him and then he and/or his wife would most certainly start questioning the babies paternity and things could get real ugly real quick. I admire your compassion for this man's wife and child and i pray that even though she will be hurt, she will have the same compasion for you, knowing you were lied to. Good luck to you.

I didnt mean she shouldnt have compassion, just at this point in her life, mm and his wife will thik about themselves and do what they need to do, so must she. No one else is going to look out for her intrest and that babies, just her. As a mother she has to do that. It is mm's wifes job to take care of her children and make decisions for them.

twisty being fair and adult about things doesnt always get you any where, I have been fair and adult about all this, and have bent over backwards to accomadate mm and his wife and extended family, at great expense and time of my family. would be nice if some married men and their wife would consider ow and her husband and family, wonder why it shouldnt work both ways <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ? After all I have small children at home and he has none at home.
life just doesnt work the way it should. YOu should do what ever you need to do to take care of that baby, if you want to give himor her up for adoption... it is a wonderful thing, But if you want to to keep your child and raise her, then you have every right to seek the financial support of the bio father and should do so. To not do so if you need to is hurting your child.

How ever it all has a price, they may decide they want to be involved and you better be sure you can handle it, it is not a piece of cake... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> It can drain every ounce of energy from you and cause major stress.
the whole problem is not all parties involved can act mature and adult about things...
By the way this is not your fault , he caused this pain in his family, yes you took part, but he has the responsibility to make it right with his family, if he walks away he will most likely continue with you or someone else, I can promise you that. I would do what I did. I took care of my self, they new but wanted nothing to do with the baby at first, for a year or so, and I lethim walk away, he is the one who came back on his own, and as far as his marriage and habits, he is the same man he was then and has not changed his thoughts on it... even now..he is just a better liar

<small>[ February 23, 2003, 07:37 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

You know, honestly, I always thought that if I ever got involved with a man and find out he's married and I ended it and found out I was pregnant, I always thought I would "fade away and disappear". But I do know in today's society, it's tough raising children by yourself. I've never begrudged my H's OC money that she needs as I've had to fight "wild Bill" my ex-husband for every cent that we receive and I have a special needs daughter.

I do begrudge a system that didn't take our marriage, our children of the marriage into consideration and took into account overtime and extra details and came up with an amount that we had to pay that was more than our mortgage! Thankfully, ex-ow agreed to settle out of court and we shaved about $250 off of the amount.

Some things you might want to consider:

You say he lied to you about being divorced, do you want a man who's not totally honest involved in your child's life if he chooses visitation? It's bad enough that his wife has to live with a dishonest man...but I suppose that's her problem if she chooses to stay with him.

Can you financially support yourself and your child? Do you have good insurance to pay for your medical expenses? Even with good insurance, you will have lots of out of pocket expenses. Do you need MM's financial support, even if you do want to go No Contact?

You say abortion is out, well, I don't believe in abortion either, but that's for everyone to decide for themselves. I know from a spiritual point of view why I don't believe in it. (and I don't judge others who have to make choices for themselves). I'm not the "morale" police for other's choices. How do you feel about adoption? As a mother of four, almost five children myself, I don't think adoption is something I can do...but I know that I thought about giving #5 up for adoption when we were going through our worse financial crunch we've ever been in our marriage...

Thank God, we got through that....but still, it would have been hard for me. My Husband ruined alot of things for us financially by dallying in sex with an old, "fatal attraction-like" booty call of his....(that's another story in itself!)

Can you raise a child alone? Do you have a Significant Other that you might like to be the child's "adoptive" daddy?

So many things to consider...and some at the worse hormonal, emotional time of your life during a pregnancy....but do think about what you are capable of. I do appreciate your compassion for the MM's wife and child. Alot of OW's (my H's ex-ow included) don't give a rats butt about them.

I would, if it were me, write down the pro's and con's of everything about the situation and then make the right choice that is best for me and the child and that does show some sensitivity for the BS and MM's child also.

It's a tough situation to be in regardless, I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

Prayers,
Twiisty

mom of five,

***Forget what is best for him and do what is best for you and that baby***

In that one sentence you have defined the entire problem. See, the problem with that is it is not just about him.
OW's NEVER think about the pain and turmoil they put the children of the marriage through. They always say the child should ALWAYS come first but what they really mean is the child should always come first as long as it is ONLY the OC. Their whole attitude is pretty much... " [censored] the children of the marriage and their needs and their emotional wellbeing."
If a BS posts on here... screw the OW and OC and look out for only you and your child OH MY GOD . You would be jumping through the screen telling us what heartless bytches we are. But that is EXACTLY what almost every OW does.
It is not enough that OW willingly took part in an attempt to destroy these children's lives by helping to create turmoil in their parent's marraige. But given the opportunity the OW will go on to cause as much financial hardship on these children as possible.
And please don't tell me about how the financial burden is only on MM. No OW can be so stupid as to believe that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . In most married households the money is combined to run the house. So when an OW happily nails the MM to the wall she has knowingly, willingly and in most cases happily nailed his wife an children up there too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> .
jtigger

<small>[ February 23, 2003, 08:19 PM: Message edited by: Jtigger ]</small>

Mom of 5 said...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">then you have every right to seek the financial support of the bio father and should do so. To not do so if you need to is hurting your child.

How ever it all has a price, they may decide they want to be involved and you better be sure you can handle it, it is not a piece of cake... It can drain every ounce of energy from you and cause major stress.
the whole problem is not all parties involved can act mature and adult about things</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh lord! scmagic2003, if you read all of this you will be more confused! Tell MM... Let him tell W.

That being said.... read all about getting MM involved in oc's life.

Momof5 did a good job describing how it is to have different families involved who should never have been involved in the first place...MM/OW/W/OC just ain't natural!!!!

Most often does not work.

I guess you should just go after the money, cause a hardship on MM, after all, he lied and deserves an 18 year sentence along w/his W/ and C's! That'll fix him!

Plus the fact that you will need the money. (sorry pops), but there is no aggrivation that could make me want the money...but I could see how "making him pay" could make an ow smile. The law is on ow side if dna shows a slight chance MM is father.

Ow could not get MM in any other way soooooo money is the answer, like a prostitute being paid for an hour...ow gets paid for the bonus! And for 18 yrs!!! An oc! The cash cow, like Labron James' Mom......(another ohio story for another time)

I agree w/some support in some cases, but if a judge could hear circumstances....the awards would be lesser and lesser..... for that cash cow, so to speak.

I suggest honesty to MM and backing off if he doesn't want oc, and it doesn't sound as if he does...

I am now prepared to hear all ow call MM ball-less and coward, so bring it on... doesn't matter...if MM WANTED oc they would be there for them. It's been seen here a lot of times.

For the most part, MM want their old life back and most ow make that a living hell because it's all for the baby....yeah, right......

Babies are so wonderful when they are wanted by all involved, but a messy thing for any BS involved....man or woman.

scmagic2003.... tell him and expect nothing but grief.

It's what happens in affairs.....grief to all involved....it's a lot for one baby...tooo much for most... toooooo sad and tooo bad.....

Debi

Thank you all so much for your kindness and advice. To hear each story meant a lot and gave me some direction. I have decided that the most compassionate and honest course of action is to tell him and then have no contact. Since it is my choice to keep the baby I will not force child support or do anything that will cause hardship on his family. I support his discision to work things out with his wife and so it is not my place to tell her about the affair or the baby.

I hope he finds it in himself to be honest with her and seek counseling and although I believe in honesty I do not believe it is my place to be the one to tell her. If he choses to help or be involved with the baby it will have to be through a neutral third party or his wife. I will not have his wife suffering because he sees me when he picks up the baby. More than likely he is going to want to just put his life back together and have nothing to do with the baby. But at least when the child is older I will know that I did not keep a secret from the baby's father. The father is free to walk away and work out his life. Do you think this sounds fair and honest?

I can only imagine the pain and suffering affairs have caused each of you. I wish all of you every happiness. Thank you for supporting the "other woman". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ February 24, 2003, 07:13 AM: Message edited by: scmagic2003 ]</small>

jtigger,

I know you dont agree with me and thats fine, But I think it would have been wonderful if when I walked away and took care of my child with my husband with out seeking or asking for help from MM that he had respected my children of my marriage and our life, we didnt seek money or support of any type what so ever.
He entered our lives and his wife turned it upside down, How wonderful if they would have considered what he did to my family as well and my children who are at home and are not grown adults on there own and married with children already. How wonderful if he would have considered all that before selfishly stepping into our lives.
But the fact of the matter is, in this world, That mm and his wife are going to do what they want to do and what they feel is best for them not ow and her family. If that were true more bio fathers would be a loving father to children they created out of love or out of whatever but you see it doesnt happen because they are thinking of themselves. SO pray tell why should some woman who has a baby not have the father of that baby help if it is needed.

I never took mm to court and have not yet and doubt i ever will, I let him choose support so as not to devistate them financially, But I can afford to do that, and while no contact is definately a nice sweet choice for all adults, if he made a baby he should financially support that child in any way he is able and she should ask for it if she needs it.
as far as a financial hardship, My husband and I have 5 children to support, We have more bills, bigger house note, and certainly spend more on groceries , electricity, water, and many other things than MM does. he has him and his wife,they both work both make good money, have no children to support, But you dont see or hear me whining take him for every thing he has, I dont get 20 percent of his pay as I should for our daugter, I let him decide support, because he is such a tight wad and loves money haha it isnt important to me, But I can tell you he doesnt worry when I have to take daughter to dentist and that my husband has carried her on his insurance all these years, he didnt cry when my husband paid all her hospital bills when she was there a week, he didnt cry foul, when my husband buys her clothes all the time, or take her places, or pays for meds he doesnt step up and say oh let me help do that after all mr. momoffive you have 4 other children to support. But you know what My husband doesnt whine about it either because he loves her and doesnt want her to be with out, doesnt matter how she was conceived.

You are wrong looking out for your self and your child does not mean screw MM and his family , it means taking care of your child and doing what you need to do to make that happen and as a responsible parent your job is to do just that.

nail him to the wall, yes I SUPPOSE I COULD DO THAT BUT WHY WOULD I ? What good would that do for my daughter who loves him, what good would it do for him as a parent after all I want him to do for her when he has her and he needs money to do so.
SO I AM SORRY YOU THINK OW DO NOT LOOK OUT FOR MM AND HIS FAMILY IT ISNT HER JOB TO LOOK OUT FOR HIS FAMILY, BUT if all could act as adults none of this would be an issue would it.
I dont think you can lump all ow women into the same catagory, because it just isnt the case. If I owe mm all that consideration about his and his families needs, I would guess MM then owes me the mw the same dont you think after all he and I are in the same boat, we are both maried, only I am the one that has the small children at home, maybe he should consider his not paying 20 percent is putting a hard ship on my husband and family... wonder what he would think if I told him that... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> and if you combined the salary of both then that would be quite a chunk but you see it isnt her duty to pay support and her salary doesnt count, so no I cant consider both salaries.

I guess we could just all fight this both ways all day long, because you see there are a thousand ideas and views on these subjects and an argument can be found for all, How ever it would waste alot of time and would go no where...

SO i REPEAT MY FIRST STATEMENT TO THOSE OW WOMEN PREGNANT WITH A MM MANS CHILD, mOST LIKELY THIS MAN WILL LOOK OUT FOR HIM SELF FIRST THEN HIS FAMILY THEN YOU AND MAYBE YOUR CHILD AFTER THAT
Do what you need to do to take care of you and your child and if the father comes on his own and offers to help with out you working your but off to get it, then how wonderful, But I can promise you the majority will first only look out for themselves.
doesnt mean screw him, it means do what you should to protect you and get help with your child, if you dont need it, A better idea, run like hell and pray he doesnt show up on your door. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I think we will just have to respectfully disagree.

scmagic2003

If everything you say is true, then you will have a thousand emotions as will this man, and in time his wife, you wont hide it forever, and it isnt your job to fix his marriage, however staying away from him is a good start for that. And all you owe them.

You sound more like a bs than a woman who is pregnant and doesnt know what to do.
But what the heck a nice debate, although one that will go on for all eternity. have a good day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ February 24, 2003, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

scmagic,

Your story is very muc hlike what happened to me when I discovered that I was pregnant.

I was TOW in another relationship. Ended it and decided to date only "nice" guys. Dated this guy for a while and ended things only to discover that I was pregnant. A few months later I discovered that he was in a long term relationship with a woman that I knew and worked with.

What's ironic to me was that after years of behaving dishonorably, I try to go straight and end up in an even crazier situation.

That aside - this is what I did and what I suggest.

#1- make absolutely certain to keep your side of the street clean. Their marriage is not your business. I'd let him know that you're pregnant and that you plan on having the baby. Then i'd leave him alone.

#2- it's his responsibility to tell her or not tell her. So let him make it

#3- the consequences of his actions are his to deal with. Not yours. So let him. You don't do him any favors by protecting him.

#4- proceed with your life as though you were artifically inseminated. Make a will. Plan financially and assume that he'll give you nothing.

Get your needs make and prepare yourself to meet the needs of this child 100% WITHOUT him! If he decided to make a contribution (financial or otherwise) it's a gift.

#5- establish legal paternity if necessary, otherwise leave that mess alone.

#6- most importantly, surround yourself with positive people and get lots of good support! Bath yourself in people who adore you and who are happy about the pregnancy. THis should be the most amazing time in your life. LEt it be and don't get caught up in the messiness of dealing with this man if you don't have to.

#7- accept that he may desire no contact and see it as a blessing! I sure do!

As hard as it is, I'd suggest that you worry about yourself and your child, let him worry about his wife and family. Too many of us make decisions to try and please someone else without doing what is right for ourselves and our children. Your concern for his wife is admirable but not your responsibility. That's his job. Most MM don't have a hard time taking care of themselves. Do what is best for you and your baby.

edited to add, Mo5, I was thinking the same thing. This doesn't sound like a woman preg. with MM's child to me either.

CM

<small>[ February 24, 2003, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: CMiranda ]</small>

Well, Yesterday was the moment of truth. I called him and the conversation lasted exactly 20 seconds. I asked him to lunch, he said Why is it serious, I said I just needed to talk to him. He said Don't tell me your pregnant, I can't deal with it, don't call me again. Then he hung up. That was literally the whole conversation, he didn't even let me say anything.

well if thats true, do you still think you need to sit around and do what ever you need to make his marriage work. if your real, do what you need to do for you and that baby, no one else, they can take care of themselves.

enufizenuf

I dont believe any one wants that, after all a baby is truly a blessing from God and deserves to be loved and cared for. My [pesky baby] is the sweetest little bundle of joy, I cant imagine life with out her, My husband and I are truly the lucky ones... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ February 26, 2003, 07:28 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>