My H deployed last week to Gulf. I have so many emotions going through my head. I am so depressed that he is gone away from us. That he is going to a possible war. That I won't be able to talk to him. But I am also worried that he might cheat again. His one night stand five years ago was when he was on his two week military annual training. Now he is most likely going to be gone for a year. Between getting lonely, frustrated, and tired, I'm just afraid that he will fall into the arms of someone who is sharing that experience. I can't relate to what he is going through.

He has a pretty high sex drive, I just don't see him being able to be faithful. We weren't having any problems or issues before he left. But how can I truly believe that he can be faithful when he has slipped under less stressful times. I would really hope that he has learned his lesson. But like I said, I can just see him being lonely, even thinking of us, and look for some kind of comfort.

How can I manage this fear when I have so many others with him being away? I am scared.

babstr

<small>[ February 23, 2003, 05:28 PM: Message edited by: babstr ]</small>

First off babstr, let me say hello again, friend.

You are a beautiful family going through a horrid time.

I cannot imagine what you go through.

babstr please rely on prayer... If you are meeting each others needs I do not see history repeating itself.

Honey i'll pray for you two.

Years ago my h worked in Saudi Arabia...son was 3... gone 6 mos....worried and missed H!

But cheating was not a vocabulary word then...

Please talk as often as you can and write sappy love letters.....

love ya babstr and understand...
love
Debi

Sending hugs and prayers to you. I pray that you will have peace during this difficult time.

We're here for you,
Hugs,
Twiisty

babstr,
I am so with you on this. My hubby and I had little trust before he left, and this separation is very hard. He has called to say he is there and safe and probably won't be able to call again for maybe six weeks. He was the same old happy-go-lucky guy. I am afraid that he will have a very hard time being faithful.
My brother is also there. He says they need basic stuff like toilet paper. He says that the men around him are taking a hard look at life and wondering if they are ready for death. He said that the place is a huge mission field. He said to send religious tracts and Bibles and baby wipes and newspapers. I'll do that, but my brother has always been mature and a good man. I worry about my husband.
I was told that it takes about four weeks for them to get mail and that boxes go quicker than letters. So I am sending my husband lots of reminders of love from home. I have sent something everyday hoping that he will get something everyday. I tell him that I am faithful and tell him that I know he is. I hope that will encourage him. And I pray for him in my letters. I am also telling him about things that are happening here with the kids. I don't know how to encourage fidelity, but I'm going to tell him that I believe in him. He told me that my worrying about it makes it worse on him. He said that if I don't believe in him then why should he try. So I tell him I do and pray, pray, pray. I have asked him to try to be friends with a decent man who will help him. He agreed to try that. Babstr, I know we are not the only ones who are worried. And I know that prayers will help. My thoughts and prayers go your way too.

dont be dissapointed if you dont hear from him as often as you write, I used to write every day and hsband would sometimes go two weeks before getting any letter,then one day he would get 20, they try but the systm isnt perfect, and sometimes they just cant get mail to them.

It is easy when they are away to worry over what they may be doing, but more than likely they just want a shower and good food and the rest isnt that important. Dont dwell on it so much.
If your husband is gonna cheat, He is gonna cheat, it doesnt matter if your a thousand miles away or two. so dont dwell on that, IF HE SAYS HE WILL BE FAITHFULL,Try and trust he is telling you the truth and be supportive, that will work better for you in the end.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
someone ask me if I was worried because my husbad is away now on business so much because of his past. But his past is just that and if he is gonna do it, doesnt matter if he is there or here, He will just do it. so why dwell on it and make your self misrable in the meantime. concentrate on you and kids, and make some good use of your time, keep busy.

babstr,

good to see your name around these parts. i just wish it was under better circumstances.

I too will pray for you and your husband's strength. I loved the ideas of Gem and Aimee.

also ... i read somewhere and the info may be wrong ... but i read that during war time they actually put suppliments in the food to supress sex drive for the soldiers. the last thing they need is a bunch of soldiers who can't concentrate on their jobs.

anyone hear of this?

regardless ... pray will take care of you and take care of him. do it daily, many time a day. He (God) will keep your H safe in his arms both spiritually and physically. Have faith He is good.

Z.

zebra,
my hubby says that rumor's been going around since WWII, and he honestly doesn't know if it ever happened or still does. It's proven many experiments have been done on military personnel (with and) without their knowledge over the years, so I guess anything's possible...

babstr,
my H just returned after a year's deployment. He too has a high drive, and the years when he abstained during deployment were generally years he felt good about our marriage. So my advice is to keep working on your relationship--keep emailing or writing or anything you can. Send care packages--food, drinks, toilet paper, jokes, drawings from the kids, pictures... Don't let your fears add wreck and ruin to it... (Without saying it constantly), share your fears and ask him to reassure you that he's thinking of you and you alone, that you love him and you're thinking of him (he could even be afraid of what YOU could do while he's gone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ).

Be brave. Though there are times I can't help myself, but I know no amount of worry ever helped... God can help you no matter what the future brings. You have to be strong for your kiddos.

With a prayer,
J

Thank you everyone. I am trying to stay positive. My H just reassures me that he only wants to be with me.

It is hard to not let all of my worst fears run crazy in this situation. It just is hard. After going through the whole ow/oc ordeal, moving to get away from that, and now this. But I know that if we love each other we can make it.

I am praying that I have the strength to stay calm, and focus on our love for each other and our family. Once again thank you for all of your words of encouragement. I don't know how you military wives do this all the time. I just wasn't mentally prepared to him having to leave and going into a hostile situation.

babstr.

This post has been moved temporarily.

<small>[ March 10, 2003, 03:53 PM: Message edited by: Xarelel ]</small>

EasyE,
Why are you here? If you don't like the thread then move on. You don't get it and I'm not going to waste my time and try to explain. You don't have to be mean about how you feel either.

Babstr,
You will be in my prayers and I hope you are doing well.

Eazy,

babstr didn't deserve one word of what you wrote. She is the wife of a US serviceman preparing for war. On top of everything that already goes through the mind of a combat serviceman's wife, she has to contend with the posibility of an A. She came here for comfort and reassurance. Something I recall you doing not to long ago.

I'm not even suggesting that you not post, but I am suggesting that you could have worded it better. Yes, they will not have much free time on their hands, but they will have free time and if you know anything about the military bases in foriegn countries and many towns around those bases the opportunity is available for servicemen to "let off steam".

Personally I think you owe babstr an apology! She came for comfort, and she got your residual anger.

babstr, you are in my prayers too.

S&C

In response to Eazye, my husband is military and just seven months ago went to an undisclosed location in support of this impending war and he did have sex twice. I do not think you realize babstr has legitimate cause for concern. Although these men and women are very busy they do have extra time to party and let off steam. Alot of them do miss home tremendously and that can make them even more vulnerable to look for some immediate gratification. I by no means, say all will do this but the percentages are staggering.
I have asked my husband repeatedly why he had sex twice with his coworker and he basically just needed sex. We did not have marital problems until I found out about his A's seven months ago.
After 11 years in the military lifestyle I have seen numerous marriages end over sexual affairs while deployed.
I do however believe that people can cheat away or at home and all a military spouse can do is try and continue their daily lives and hope for the best. My prayers are with you and God Bless!
Kimmie

OK, I realize I went off on Bab, and I do apologize. It was uncalled for, and I am sorry.

But it really, really, REALLY gets to me how as Americans, we have the ULTIMATE existence in this world. We live better than 95 percent of the people in this world. We are 5 percent of the population, but use up 75% of the world's resources. And BECAUSE OF THIS, we have become such a weak population. We can't see beyond out meager little problems when the whole world is blowing up in our faces.

I have not yet ONCE seen anyone say "Oh my god, my H is going to possible war--will he come back alive? Will he be OK?" All I see are petty posts about "gosh, what about me? What am I supposed to do while he's gone?"

I know, I know, people have the right to vent here. But in doing so, I validate some really disturbing socialogical observations in which even WAR and DANGEROUS WORLD CIRCUMSTANCES can't even bring our selfish population to a bit of humble understanding.

So you are afraid your husband is going to cheat, huh? Well North Korea is testing missiles. We could be on the verge of global conflict. The US economy is on the verge of a huge tailspin if fuel prices rise drastically.

And even then, gosh, what about your husband's SAFETY???? One member actuallu had the gaul to say her husband was going to be out being a hero and getting all kinds of recognition and attention, but what about her?

I'm really really appalled by American expectations of a perfect life. Like we are entitled to a beautiful, utopian, life of luxury and happiness.

And finally, no, I never came here for comfort. I came here to try to put my 2 cents in, and maybe help some people who were extremely sad and lonely. Comfort comes from self realization, and that is something our country is sadly lacking; along with humility, gratitude, and selflessness.

And listen, I can find plenty in my life to b****
about. Do you want a list? I'm sitting on tons of injustice and unhappiness. But I'm telling you
it doesn't mean JACK compared to the way the world does almost the entire human population.

Again Bab, I apologize to you. This rhetoric is not intended just for your post. But I'm not going to apologize for the fact that we Americans
have the best life offers, and yet we take it for granted to the point where we expect our lives to be like a fairytale.

Do you think Rwandans expect a fairytale life or to "live life to the fullest" like I hear so many of us say?

Oh man, I'm signing off this now. Maybe I'm being unfair, but I don't care. Our country is no longer a population of gutsy individuals. We are a population os sniveling malcontents who, like a spoiled rich kid, are unhappy because heaven ain't green enough.

Believe me, you can flame away, but it won't come near the flames I feel for myself and this entire country. Not a day goes by anymore that I don't
thank providence for my Taco Bell Taco.

Babstr,

I know exactly what you are feeling at this moment! Just over a year past our D-day's Sailorman went on deployment for Enduring Freedom, and many other's that occured during that time last year! It is hard to forget that they had an A when they are at home, let alone when they are seperated due to these types of situations! But, you need to have a little trust! I know, hard to think about, let alone do, but at least try!

I'm not completely up to date on your situation before H was called to duty. How was your M going? Was there true re-growth? If so, keep up what you were doing before, just now you have to do it long distance! And, don't forget, this is coming from someone who's been there(maybe not for as long a seperation, but I've been through 4 seperate 6 month deployments and many single weeks or months of seperation) You can and will survive this time apart, and you can and will keep your M with your H! Spend as much time with the kids as you can, writing letters, drawing pictures to send to Daddy! And, don't forget that mail is VERY sporadic, but enjoy those letters when you do get them!

I really hope that I helped you in your time of need and support!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Babstr}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Love,

Tigger

PS, EasyE, I can understand your frustration with the world today, but Babstr's fears are, in fact, well founded! With a past history of her H cheating, there's nothing you have said that even comes close to helping her with those fears! I have gone back and read a few of your posts, the most recent on Divorced/Divorcing, and realize your feelings on M, and possibly women at this moment aren't the best, but, when there's a history of A's and even a child from one of said A's, there is real fear of it happening again! I also have not seen in Babstr's posts where it's all "poor me"! In fact, one of her first statements in this thread was her fear of her H going off to a possible war! It's almost more difficult for spouses of a reservist than active duty! At least we(active duty spouses) know and live with the threat to our spouse's health/well being every day! A reservist doesn't have that fear, until such a time as our present happenings in the world! Have a little compassion for those who are dealing with something they never thought they'd be going through!

I just read a post that was unbelievably refreshing. Check out the humility and selflessness in CrazyLife's post:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> H had a A that possibly resulted in OC. H at first felt concern for this, and wanted DNA testing and I think he still does. We are working on our M, and trying to bring happiness back to our lives. H is geniune in trying to help me recover from this. He knows this A was nothing to do with me it was all about him.

OW does not want me around the OC. She has expressed to him with me there, that if he stays with me she didn't want me involved OC. So she has decided no CS for her fears are if he pays then visitation is requested. I feel really bad about this makes me feel like a villian in someway. I don't want to be the cause of my H not seeing OC if it is proven to be his. I do love him that much. H keeps telling me I am not cause of him not seeing OC. That he only feels bad that it happened this way.

What should we do? Should we follow her wishes, and no DNA testing, no CS? Should we consult an attorney now without her knowing? Or should we wait and see what happens? She had even asked him to sever his parental rights, after she realized he wasn't leaving me. Why do OW do this? When they are having an A surely they should know that this could happen.

I know my H cares deeply for me because he would be long gone. We raised our children and there is no children in the home now. It is just him and I. We have nothing that makes us stay together so we could divorce very easily. But that is not what we both want. We want to try and make a go of it. We both feel very badly that this OC is not going to be around a father. The kind of visitations she wants is H only comes over to her house. That is not what we want if we are trying to re-build. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Could you imagine if more people had this kind of
understanding in this country? I swear I am going to make sure my attitude resembles Crazy's in all do.

Easy,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, I realize I went off on Bab, and I do apologize. It was uncalled for, and I am sorry.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was all that was necessary for this thread.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But it really, really, REALLY gets to me how as Americans, we have the ULTIMATE existence in this world. We live better than 95 percent of the people in this world. We are 5 percent of the population, but use up 75% of the world's resources. And BECAUSE OF THIS, we have become such a weak population. We can't see beyond out meager little problems when the whole world is blowing up in our faces.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can start your own topic about ths anytime you want.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have not yet ONCE seen anyone say "Oh my god, my H is going to possible war--will he come back alive? Will he be OK?" All I see are petty posts about "gosh, what about me? What am I supposed to do while he's gone?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This forum isn't for that. The military has support groups for spouses that are available to handle that

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know, I know, people have the right to vent here. But in doing so, I validate some really disturbing socialogical observations in which even WAR and DANGEROUS WORLD CIRCUMSTANCES can't even bring our selfish population to a bit of humble understanding.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd bet that there is are couples in other countries that wouldn't give a rat's behind about what is going on in the world if they thought their spouse could cheat on them again. Perservation of self and family isn't limited to our population my friend.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So you are afraid your husband is going to cheat, huh? Well North Korea is testing missiles. We could be on the verge of global conflict. The US economy is on the verge of a huge tailspin if fuel prices rise drastically.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So let's pose the question. Would you rather have peace in the world and a spouse that hurt you to the core or a faithful loving spouse and conflict in other parts of the world?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One member actuallu had the gaul to say her husband was going to be out being a hero and getting all kinds of recognition and attention, but what about her?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to admit, if this is what someone said; that's pretty shallow and self centered. But I don't remember reading that hear in this thread.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And finally, no, I never came here for comfort. I came here to try to put my 2 cents in, and maybe help some people who were extremely sad and lonely.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Re read your post on Oct.31.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Comfort comes from self realization, and that is something our country is sadly lacking; along with humility, gratitude, and selflessness.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you see an awful lot of that right here at MB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And listen, I can find plenty in my life to b**** about. Do you want a list? I'm sitting on tons of injustice and unhappiness. But I'm telling you it doesn't mean JACK compared to the way the world does almost the entire human population.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Send it to "Letters to the Editor" of your local newspaper.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But I'm not going to apologize for the fact that we Americans have the best life offers, and yet we take it for granted to the point where we expect our lives to be like a fairytale.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Didn't suggest you apologize for that, just take it somewhere where else.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you think Rwandans expect a fairytale life or to "live life to the fullest" like I hear so many of us say?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But if their spouse is unfaithful, you can bet that it would be a priority that would rank pretty high.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe I'm being unfair, but I don't care. Our country is no longer a population of gutsy individuals. We are a population os sniveling malcontents who, like a spoiled rich kid, are unhappy because heaven ain't green enough.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you'll find many gutsy people here, to go through what they do and still fight for the thing that really makes this country strong. A whole family.

I'd go without a raise, a car, house or even a job, if I knew my family would stay intact. Because these things don't mean much without someone to share it with.

Eazy, I agree with some of what you say. Americans can be like whining rich kids. But while your here focus on the subject at hand on this forum.

Bless you and your taco.

S&C

bab,,,, i just wanted to say that i understand your fears but wanted to remind you that your h is on the best team in the world. hands down. yes there is most certainly tremendous danger but unlike the military actions of the 70's he has a committed government behind him . he is also in the midst of men who are the best trained in the world and have the most advanced technological equipment available.

easye,,,,, i have to beg to differ with you. i don't think fear has anything to do with weakness or selfcenteredness. yes there are other country's where people don't fear the things we do. but in many if those coutry's h's feel they have the right to have as many women as they please and their w's have no say so in the matter. and also there are still places in the world where a cheating spouse would have simply been taken out and shot or stoned to death. surely in those country's there is no web site for selfcentered people but i don't think even you would consider moving there.

my w and i were in the middle of termoil on sept 11. although i felt extemely sympathetic and hurt for those who gave their lives or lost loved ones it didn't remove the pain that was in my life. and i don't feel that i was selfcentered in the least.

point is tha a little compassion and empathy goes a long way. weakness is not a trait that i see on this site. to the contrary i see stength beyond belief here.

Easy E,

I was wondering if you would please E-mail me? My address is in my signature line.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

babstr,

How are you doing today? Hope your feeling better. Just wanted to let you know this is your thread and if you're feeling anxious about anything just post it right here. I'll be praying for you.

Stay strong and God bless you.

GROUP HUG!

{{{{{{{{{{mom of five}}{{lj1122}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{{{tigger4jdt}}{{aimee2}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{pops}}{{babstr}}Jenny}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{{{{twiisty}}{{kimmierw}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{gemini1}}{{S&C}}{{zebrababy}}}}}}

Love in Christ.

S&C

S&C

I double that group hug!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">{{{{{{{{{{mom of five}}{{lj1122}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{{{tigger4jdt}}{{aimee2}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{pops}}{{babstr}}Jenny}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{{{{twiisty}}{{kimmierw}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{gemini1}}{{S&C}}{{zebrababy}}}}}}
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Love and prayers to all!

Tigger