It will soon be our 5th month into recovery, I guess all in all we are progressing like every one said we would. H is very good and is very remoreful and I know he loves me with all his heart. There really isn't too many questions to ask any more regarding the A so we hardly talk about it any more,that is the good thing. The bad thing is I still can't forget and H thinks because we don't talk about the A any more I am over "it" (I will never get over it)
The problem I seem to be having is that he never gave a reason for straying, we were happy and he always loved me it "just happened" is all I can get out of him. So I how do I know what to look for if there were no signs from the 1st A. So in my mind every action he does I analyes it to death some are so stupid ex. He's reading his book and hasn't looked for me around the house in a while or he goes out and is out longer than I think he should I start imaging all this thoughts and sometimes I can get rid of my thoughts and other times by the time he gets home I'm a mess. He does call but Saturday he went food shopping and was gone for 3 hours I was pacing the floor so I finally called him and he was in line at the store I just yelled "it takes 3 hours to shop" and hung up. I was such a mess that I left the house before he got home and cryed in the near by park. When I finally made it home he was like "what is your problem" I explained that he never called and he was gone a long time he said he lost track of time and he went to the hardware store and the mall. I was so angry that something so innocent caused me to get so.... worked up and how H can "loss track of time" and forget to call. My response was how nice for you to forget I never get the luxury of forgeting. He said he was sorry and I'm making something out of nothing, which is true but how do I stop doing that. Time, I know but I was never like this and I hate who I have become it's sad. I also have the oc bday coming 3/8 she will be 2 yrs old. (what a cute age) I mention that to H and his response is try not to think about it. (Boy, did you know it was that easy) Well I have gone on long enough! Thanks for all your support!

Hi lj,
Hang in there. It is possible to get "worked up" when you don't know where your spouse is even without an affair in the marriage. Your reaction is normal considering your situation. IMO, you are not overreacting in the least.

What can you do when they refuse to be considerate? IS it that they feel "controlled" or is it just common courtesy to let your spouse know your whereabouts at all times?

I think it is basically following the Rule of Care that is explained in detail in Dr. Harley's book, Surviving An Affair. WS must take into consideration their BS's pain and decide never to be the one who is causing it. That works both ways too.

If your husband is open to reading this book, I strongly recommend it. That way, he can see how HE is causing you great pain when he forgets to let you know where he is, let alone disappearing and abandoning you for hours on end. I'm totally feeling you here... I'm sorry you felt abandoned for even a second. It's just not right. I pray that your husband "gets" what he did to you. Sometimes that's all you can do is pray. Nagging won't work.

Good luck in your recovery. It's a long, hard road. Don't give up on yourself and may God be with you. Allow God be what your H can't be and never will be in your life. Let Him go to the deepest parts of your heart where no man could ever go. Let Him heal those deep wounds that no human being could ever know of TO heal. He will do it again and again.

<small>[ February 24, 2003, 06:08 PM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

even though there is no oc invoved i got hru the same thing where time management issues are concerend. last night we went thru it again...H works at night at a restaurant....he called at 11 and said he was on his way home (we have agreed he would call from the restaurant not his cell because the work # caomes up on the caller id and reassures me he is really there) any way 20 minutes late he wasn't hoe and call from his cell and says he NOW in his way...the owners wife (7 months pg and who i am NOT threatened by at all) was closing alone and everyone left while H was on the phone with me, so she asked him to wait for her so she wouldn't be alone (security...woman alone in a closed ,dark restaurant...we live in the Miami/Ft Lauderdale area, she would have been a prime target for crime). anyway, you can imagine how i felt, but instead of love busting or an angry outburst. i just gave him "the look" when he got home, went to bed and PRAYED!!!! this morning i reminded him in a calm voice that we had agreed on certain terms to aid in our recovery and even though there will be times when he gets caught up leaving from work i NEED him to call from the restaurant and tell me so, not just come home an hour after he has called...that when he does this it causes me a re-injury and sets us back in our recovery. he understood and apologized and we made "woopie" a little while later.
i must say i was rather proud of myself and thank God that he gave me the strength to watch my mouth and turn to him.
Hope this helps....

I have just started posting here today but am all too familar with your heart and your feelings even now.

Its been well over 9 yrs now since H's A and like you, I would never have thought in a million years H would feel the "need" to stray. Like your H, mine has still to this day not been able to give a good enough reason ( though any reason would never seem legit or excusable for an A anyhow) the only thing he has stood steadfast to is "It was the most insane most selfish most stupid thing I have ever done and will ever do" Fpr me, for a long time that wasnt good enough but now.....I will never "get over" the A...but I HAVE learned to push past it and get on with the matter at hand...that is learning to love and fall in love with my H all over again and learning to allow myself to become vunerable with him for where my vunerability lies also is my safety and my security and where that leads is trusting him again...which is the goal. Has it been fully achieved....for the most part indeed it has but I still have some issues that I am working on even now...so I havent arrived "there" yet but am working towards that goal. In the begining it was VERY difficult for H as it was for me...different levels of course as we both were dealing with individual issues as much as mutal issues. For a long time I NEEDED to talk about it...I NEEDED to go over it out loud with him...I NEEDED to see him in full repent...I pushed him way too fast because I NEEDED affirmation...I NEEDED everything from him because I felt he HAD to prove himself "worthy" as much as he had to show me he truly DID regret his actions AND that his love and his desire for recommitting to me and our marriage and our kids was REAL and not being done because his butt got busted.
I also hated but knew that even though I wasnt THE cause or THE reason for his straying I had to accept some responsiblity in this...NOT to let him off the hook or to excuse his choice to stray...and not to allow him to transfer his guilt over to me. I KNEW I wasnt THE problem or THE reason for his going off but I also knew we had some issues in regard to communication...I had EN's he wasnt meeting but I expected him to read me and get what I needed without my having to TELL him or SHOW him because I felt that would be considered nagging and unappriciative....

When H and I reconcilled one of the very first things I DEMANDED (opps....but I felt justified enough to be able to DEMAND anything and everything of/from him ) that he had accountability with me. He balked intially at the whole idea and trust me I didnt want his butt calling me ALL the time either as I was very angry still...but I still wanted to know EXACTLY where he was and when and expected him to call me at each and every pit stop he made along the way home. After a few months of this he drove me nutty with it all.....even acting like an [censored] in calling to request permission to poot or belch.....but he too was angry..at himself for putting not only himself but US in such a position. We finally came to a negotiable sort of agreement on the accountability stuff and it worked for both of us.

When we would have arguments I would always bring up my hurt and anger and frustrations concerning the A , there is an OC involved as he was created during the A , and that exaggerated all the emotions all the more. He would always throw back at me : "See I knew YOU wouldnt be able to get over this" And he was right..it was nearly impossible to even try without his help and I did expect that from him, if he wanted to work through this as he claimed he did.

I know this is hard for you darlin' and it sucks. The biggest and best thing I had going for me and the ONE real strength I had aside from my love for H and my desire in spite of the pain and anguish was the love of my Daddy, my heavenly Daddy. Were it not for my faith, and trust me I was a very angry daughter of Daddy's intially and threatend many times to just up and leave Him for if He loved me as He states in His word and His Love through His son etc etc etc....HOW COULD HE LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME.....but my faith and trust in HIM , sometimes stubbornly, allowed me to endure and press through this....YOU are worth the healing time and you WILL come out of this a stronger person...and vauled beyond your worth and measure! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My prayers and thougths are with you!

Ana

<small>[ February 28, 2003, 06:35 PM: Message edited by: OtterTail ]</small>