Help!!!!

Today I looked at H cell phone bill online and found out he has had contact w/OW since 1/25. I am shaking I can't breath Why! Why would he be so... remorsful and do all the right thing and make me think we were headed in the right direction and do this behind my back. He has been telling me every day how he loves me and loves hugging in the mornings, how wonderful I am and still do this behind my back. I question all the time about "Did you contact her" and he would say no and we agreed that if he or she would have contact he would let me know. There we 25 calls just from 1/25 thru 2/20 some only a minute and she would call him back. One time he called her and then called me right after. I printed out the phone details and just called his cell but have not heard from him yet. WHAT DO I DO? I'm crushed, I'm back where I started I can't believe he is doing this. Every one says action speak louder than words and his action have been great. He has really been great with our recovery. ALL LIES! ***HOLE!!!! I'm so stupid, I'm at work and I can't stop shaking. I had to shut my office door because I'm crying uncontrolable. HELP ME!

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

I wish I could say something to make you feel better or wave a wand and make all this disappear for you. I hate the pain that you feel.

I would calm down, though and then ask your husband why he felt he had to lie to you after you've asked him if there were contact or would he tell you if there were.

I cannot advise you as to what you want to do next.

I'm here to listen and pray for you and know that you are not alone.

Hugs,
Twiisty <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am sorry you are hurt.

It's time to sit down and have a long talk with your husband this weekend.

I am sending my thoughts and prayers your way. Hang in there.

Hugs,
Butterfly

<small>[ February 28, 2003, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: butterfly ]</small>

LJ,

I'm sorry that I'm not familuar with your full situation! I was "incognito" when you arrived, and I've had a hard time catching up on the new people to the board!

The one thing that I can say is when my H confronted me on D-day, it was the best thing to happen for us! That was when we both realized we were worth fighting for! Of course, our betrayal went both ways, and that my betrayal resulted in Abbi, but it saved our M!

I think that you should try to calm down! I know, not an easy thing to do! Sailorman broke a plastic patio chair on D-day out of anger! But, we worked through it! Have your "evidence" accessable when you do talk to your H about it! Try not to "attack" him, and try to stay calm!

I know, not much help, but it's the best I can offer at this time!

hugs and prayers,

Tigger

lj

Maybe his calls were only to check on his child, I think you should listen to what he has to say before you react.
better to be calm, you will make a better decision.
Take a deep breath and if you can go home for the day, maybe that would be better.

lj1122,

First......(((((((((lj1122)))))))))))

Second,,,,I know this is going to be farrrr easier for me to say than for you to do AND a "do as I say, not as I do" type of suggestion. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Try to calm down and formulate an approach that will get positive results. I always got much better results by asking him to "help me understand WHY" than I did to attack and confront him with accusations and condemnations. If you attack, he is going to do one of two things,,flee or attack back. Make it so it's "safe" for him to talk to you.

I know you're hurting bad and it's going to be very difficult to restrain yourself but give it your best effort. While there is NO good reason for lying, perhaps he has some explaination you can understand and work through.

Again...........((((((lj1122))))))))))

H called me back and I asked him if he had any contact with OW and he said NO. I said well I have proof that you have and he was very quiet and then said he was a coward and why would I want him any way. He said he was concerned about the OC and wanted to know how she was doing. I said it took 26 calls for that and again silent. I left work and now I'm home I am so mad, sad, angry and feel that all this rcovery has been a lie. We were doing so well! I told him after d-day #1 that I needed NC until we can rebuild our marriage and he was in total agreement with that when it all changed I don't know.
I call OW and she was very nice to me and said he has called but didn't talk to her I said he called 26 time and he never talked to you? she NO I question that but will have to wait until H gets home to ask more questions. There is no romantic link between them and she said she was really sorry for all my pain. I thanked her and hung up.
When H talk he said I don't think this is going to work and maybe we should D (I'm crying I can't even see the keyboard) I said you would risk lossing your other children and me for someone you barely now? He was silent and then said why do you want me? I told him he made his choice and it wasn't me. He was silent! I'M HEART BROKEN!! LIES ALL LIES. What do I do next? I need to have some pride but I Love him. Why?
I just want to keep driving and not stopping. Here I have been on Anti-depressant seeing IC and MC for what he knew he couldn't do it and just went through the motions. Did what he knew I would like but had every intention for seeing the OC any way. I would like to kill him!!

HUGS!!!!!

Maybe the OW was telling the truth. Maybe your husband really felt a need to know what is going on his his child's life. I know contact is not what YOU need, but maybe it's what HE needs??? There are some men who do compartmentalize and are able to walk away from or only support financially their children and then there are some men that actually care about their offspring no matter how they were conceived. It doesn't mean they don't care about US, just maybe that they couldn't live with THEMSELVES if they didn't. Calm down and talk to him and see if you can't work it out.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

It sounds like your H is suffering from an esteem problem. It reminds me of my H. It's awful that he lied about the phone calls, but there might be hope... I would bet that your H has problems and issues that don't necessarily have anything to DO with you; you're just part of the horrible, horrible, sad fall-out of his acting out like a hurt kid. IF HE'S WILLING TO GET HELP, there is still hope. See if he will get counseling for his problems.

But first of all, take good care of YOU!!! Do you have any friend or relative you trust to help care for you that won't get involved in taking sides against your H?? Don't involve people who will interfer. But your need support. Remember to drink water, eat when you can, exercise, journal, bubblebath, sleep when you can--take GOOD care of YOU!!!!

Again, I'm sorry for your pain.
Prayers,
J

thank you all for your kind words and hugs. H and I took a ride to the local park and talked. He was silent a lot of the time but then he threw in a zinger. "I'm not happy and this is to hard and I don't want to do any more" He was quite pissed I checked the cell phone invoice. His reaction is that I love you but this is to big and we can never get past it. I'm so... numb and at a loss for words. I have been a basket case all day. I'm so afraid!! I have been with someone for 22 years and dated 5 years. I really thought we would grow old together and travel. I don't know if he meant everything he said tonight but when do I draw the line and say enough is enough. He made those calls knowing full well that it would jeopize(sp?) our recovery so in mine mind he made his choice and I'm not in it. He has hugged me but I know it is over I can feel it. He is a coward and thinks that our relationship is too damaged to repair and he feels so guilty that he is taking the easy way out. He said I could have the house and what ever else, like what, my children are to old for cs but his d isn't. I'm so angry at myself for believing him and how mean of him to lead me on for 5 months when he knew it wasn't going to work. So I can go thru all of this to try and repair our marriage and its just to hard for him. Then I think why do I want him? He really doesn't deserve me and I think I'm hanging on because everything in my life is going to change and I am frightened. I finally called my sister and told her everything so I will have her support and a shoulder to cry on. Please help me I feel I'm going off the deep end. Why is life so unfair?

Lj,
I am so sorry you are going thru this. I completely understand your feelings as I also have a coward for a husband, and feel he has taken the easy way out.

Like you, I have been married for a long time 27 1/2 years, and our children are grown also. My H also has said the same things, marriage to damaged, never feel I will forgive him....but I gave it 18 months of trying to heal, including visitation.

Unfortunately the OW and 2OC have won, but then I think what have they really won? He has lost the respect of our children, lost his job, lost his home he has lived in almost our entire marriage, lost the freedom at this point of our marriage to travel and enjoy life.

He is still very confused and in a fog, he comes in and out of it, but he now feels trapped in a situation. He has moved in basically with the other family, his two OC are 1 1/2 and 5, so to move back out will totally mess up those children also.

I really don't have any advice for you as I have tried everything on my end. I know exactly what you are feeling. To end a long term marriage is the most difficult, painful thing I have ever done. But that is his choice, I have still left the door open to reconcile, but I do not see any hope. But if you ever feel the need to email me, let me know and I will post my address.

Tina

lj,
My heart goes out to you. I have been following your posts and although I rarely post myself, I felt compelled to respond to yours. I am in a similar situation...my H of 25 yrs had an A and the OW alleged in Dec to be a month pregnant with his chid. My H denies it's his and she and her husband are reconciling despite the fact that she's apparently told him that it's someone elses kid. I met with the OW and she told me they'd been together three times between Sept. and October. My H and I were separated at that time (although supposedly working toward reconciliation but we were not being intimate)and he'd moved back in mid-November. He severed all contact with her and she got angry because he didn't tell her he'd come home to attempt reconciliation he just stopped returning her calls. She told me that she had persued him and that he'd told her that his only interest in her was the sex she was offering. She made no attempt to pretend the relatiionship was more than that. She told me that she'd only been with him those few times and had become pregnant by him during one of their trysts. She said however that despite his "coldness and indifference" towards her that she'd begun to fall in love with him. She said that she was lonely because her husband had left her and having known my H and knowing he was "separated" she persued him for comfort. She told my H and her H the same day that she was pregnant with my H's child. We don't know. My H denies it of course...but who knows. There is no contact between any of us. She alleges for now anyway that she wants nothing to do with or from my H or I. Her H has told a mutual friend of my H's that he doesn't know or care who the kids father is for sure, that he just wants to go on with his life. As far as we know they are still together. My H and I have been thru hell over this...I have tortured my H with my pain and while he was remorseful and trying 100% I remained hostile and vengeful. Two weekends ago it all came to a head following one of my horrific verbal assaults and the damage that tirade caused may have crippled any chance of recovery. My H too cried and sobbed and said he couldn't keep doing this. He said that the damage he'd caused was unforgivable and that he was doomed to be hated and punished by me for the rest of his life. He said he hated the sight of himself in the mirror and that he could barely face living anymore. He realizes the horror of what his selfishness has done. He realizes that the damage can never be repaired only gotten past. He almost packed and left that day....when I saw the finality of it that's when I woke up. I asked myself what do I want? Do I want to try and get past this with him or do I want to keep him around just to make his life a living hell? I realized that I wanted my life back. We talked the next day and although it seemed hopeless, we agreed to go at it a different way. So here we are today, still together, still trying. I have stopped using him as an emotional punching bag and he is walking around on eggshells waiting for me to turn back into either Dr. Jeykll or Mr. Hyde. I know he wonders when the monster will return as much as I fear the monster that he'd become will return. We're both scared to death of each other right now, but we're going to try to make each other feel "safe" again. If we can't we'll have tried if we can....good for us. Maybe your H is exactly where my H was two weeks ago. I think they really do feel such shame for what they've done that they can barely look at us and deal with the pain they've caused. It's easier for your H to call the OW because he really doesn't care what she thinks of him and she's probably NOT judging him as harshly as you (afterall he was your husband NOT hers)Don't let HER be his safe landing spot...and don't take what she says as truth...remember she's as good a liar as he ever was. She's in it for HER not you or your feelings..."Sorry I hurt you" doesn't cut it...she knew exactly what she was doing. OW's always think they're "special" and that's how they live with themselves. Don't give her any power take it back for yourself.

I have decided that we need to seperate. I need him to realize that if he can't make our marriage number one then I don't want the relationship. He went behind my back again like I didn't matter and I can't allow that behavior any more. I've become his enabler(sp?) I have to make a stand and screw what everyone else thinks. I have kept this a secret for 5 months I can't do it any more. I've done nothing wrong!!! I'm scared to death I have never been on my own and I will need you guys more than ever. I can't let him abuse our relationship anymore and I guess it's called plan b. I need him to realize that the grass is not greener on the other side. I don't know if I love him or it's just comfortable and easier in stay. I really gave it a try these past months and I thought we might be mature enough to handle this awful mess but when he says one thing and does another I have to draw a line. He called her 27 times to check on th oc (27 times) I think one call could have done that. What do you think? I think he chose her over his family and I can't stop him. I haven't eaten in 2 days and I can't stop crying I am angry at everyone and everything. I told sister yesterday and this morning during my run I told my girlfriend (no more secrets) I do have a wonderful family and a great group of friends that will help me but I have been married 22 1/2 years to this man. I'm having a hard time knowing that it could be over and he won't be in my life anymore. I grew up with him, he was my best friend and I truly loved him. I have never been so heartbroken, I won't wish this on my worst enemy. I will check in later have to take my dog a yellow lab (my new best friend)to get groomed he smells. Sob, Sob.

lj1122,
Your H sounds like mine did. Two years ago this month I overheard him say he was going to "do the right thing" to a friend. That meant putting oc first and just forget about counseling for us, that I'd get used to it and it would be like he was golfing for a few hours a week while he visited oc.

After all the effort and pain I was dealing with, I went c-r-a-z-y! He had only told me 4 months before that and I was a basket case. I yelled at him to get out! He was reluctant, but I was serious. He was gone until the middle of May, we had little contact during that time as I was preparing for a divorce. I thought it was over.

H missed me. Moved home while I was at work one day. Promised to be the best H from now on, begged me not to file for D until we "at least tried".

This was a week after oc was born.

He finally figured out he wanted us.

I gave it a shot and here we are.

Wasn't easy. Glad I plan B'd before I lost all feelings for him, I almost had, but the pain and crying went on for two solid weeks after he left.

I truly understand your horror that he lied. My H lied too. Had counseling at our church behind my back w/ow to let her know he was staying married and how "they" were going to deal with oc! The wrong thing to do...

Please know almost all WS do stupid things at first. My H says now he doesn't even know who he was because he was so confused back then. He never thought I'd stay with him. He was scared.

If seperation is what you need at this time, do it. Allow time to figure out your thoughts.

Prayers for your peace.
love
Debi

Where do I start? 1st it has been a he!! of a weekend. H and I had it out and we are know seperated he is a mean man and I finally see my fog lifting. He called OW too many times to check on OC and he went back on our contract of NC until we were stronger as a couple and no more lies. He called over 27 times once he lifted that phone he made his choose an I wasn't it. I know it's not that simple but when do I say enough is enough. I have to have some pride!! So we decided (I decide)we had to tell the boys. My baby (19 years old) cried like a baby and punched 2 holes in his bedroom wall. And kept screaming " NO! NO! I don't want you guys to divorce" It was the worst thing to see your child be so devastated. I was crying and at that point I kicked him out and called my mother and sister and they came right over. We all cried together you see My H has been in my families life for 28 years, they are shocked and sadden also. We all feel sad. No word can describe what I'm going thru except pure he!! I called my SIL and she spread the word to his side of the family 7 brother and sister. To say my phone has not stopping ring is an understatement. Support I have plenty of it if there is a silver lining thats it. My son thats in college was called by my younger son and when he talked to me he just couldn't except it as truth. He was so angry with his father. H drove to his school the next day about a 2 1/2 hour ride to talk to him and my son hit him but nothing that needed the police (thank Goodness) they talked my son said he would call me after gets out of work tonight. So the secret is out and here I go again but this time I have an army of people for support and I'm going to go minute by minute that's all I can handle right know. I keep in touch. Pray for us!!!!

lj1122,
I really have to warn you to watch your sons' health.
My son was being the tough guy for me and broke dowm mentally after 2 mos.
Hospitalized and h wouldn't take "credit".

I will pray for all of you. OMG this reminds me of us a few years ago.....

Hopefully w/counseling you two will get on track. Contact must cease untill you have a POJA!!!

No more chances lj1122.....plan B...Keep you and you family safe...Preserve your love for H.
Allow H time to figure it all out...

Such devastation desreves time....

Prayers and love
Debi

My sister stayed at my house last night and we cried together. My older son from college called me and he is coming home some time this week. I need to know that I will get through this the sadness is overwhelming. I'm at work I really don't know how long I will last but I will try. I went to put my jewelry on and realize my wedding ring is no longer going to be on my finger after 22 years. I can't do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not fair and I don't know how I'm going to make it. Help me

Dear LJ,

I am so sorry about what has happened. Your story has tugged at my heart since you first started posting here. I don't know why your story more than others but maybe I see a lot of you in me. Maybe it is the similiar initials. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

((((((((((LJ))))))))))

OK, suggestions: I see that you mentioned a counselor. I would call your individual counselor and schedule extra appointments right now! Tell him/her what has happened. Most insurance plans will pay for a few extra appointments at a crisis moment.

I am glad you told your family. I told my family right from the beginning and they were a great support for me and somehow still able to remain civil with Mr. J. Use your support system--a lot.

If you have a prayer life/spiritual life, this is really a good time to increase your prayer time. God listens to us especially when we are so grieved that all we can do is groan out our pain.

Finally, I was right where you are. I kept finding enormous phone bills with 20 or 30 hours of phone conversations between the two of them each month. Yes, no contact is ideal but sometimes it takes a WS a long time to get to that point--especially if the affair has been a love affair and not just sex. I guess since Mr. J's affair was 7 years long it would probably qualify as a love affair. Well, he actually told me that he loved both of us, now he doesn't see what they had as "love." For him there was something very powerful in her "need" of him. She was falling apart, both of us were at the same time. It fed his ego to have two women need him. Eventually, he stopped floundering, found his centerpoint, his moral compass and stopped "taking care" of both of us. It was a tough row to how but we made it. Well, at least we got that part of our recovery worked out.

If you are separated, I hope you implement a true plan B. If you are going to live apart, use this as a way to protect yourself from his hurtful behavior. I wouldn't try to be "friends." Have you looked up the Harley's Plan B?

Let us know how you are doing.

Fondly,
MJ

Just came back from IC I wish she could make the pain go away but that's not the case. Here I sit and cry, cry and cry!!! I am so low right know I can't even breath. This is my worst nightmare!!! I just don't understand why he is willing to give up everything for a child that doesn't even know him. He said he loves me and can't lie any more and he needs to have oc in life and if I can't except that then we have to go it alone. He only gave our recovery 3 months and quit, how much can he love me. He is chosing his oc over me and I lose! She is innocent, so am I, what do I have to be a baby for him to see that. I loved him with all my heart and I can't believe after all this time together
he can just forget about me. WHY! WHY! I can't make it I feel like nothing matters any more.

LJ,

I wish that I had the perfect answer to all your pain, and how to make it go away, but I don't. All I can do is continue to offer prayers and hugs!

{{{{{{{{{{LJ}}}}}}}}}}

Tigger