Dear LJ

I am glad your sister is there for you. I am sending you a hug as well.

{{{{LJ}}}}

does h want you and oc? i hope you find the answer to your prayers soon. do your sons know about oc?

Please Take Care of yourself.

Love,
Butterfly

H just called me and we talked without curses (from me) He feels he made the ultimate mistake and he can't live the lie and he just can't go on like this any more. I really understand all that but his way of handling this is not his shining moment. He can't look at me or anyone in the family without disgust for himself. I told him he needs to get help and he laughed like "No sh!!". But is to embarassed to face anyone right now. So he is staying in some boarding house because that is what he deserves. I feel for him but he has to become a man and face these issues he gave me no choose to handle this and I can't run away. I feel like I was hit by a mac-truck and I can't breath. I love him but he says the damage is to great to overcome again he is making my choose for me. Keep posting to me I need you guys. LJ

He is not alone in the choices he's made..although we cannot turn the clock back. We can only try to do our best to handle the situation for what it is now.

So, does he want oc as part of his life, is that what he is struggling with? how are you hanging in there?

H has many issues but the oc is diffently a struggle and I can understand that struggle but we were to go through this together and we were headed in the right direction but h is a coward and doesn't seem to know when he crosses the line and I can not have him lying to me and knocking me down when all I have been doing is fighting for this marriage. I have to make a stand. I don't know how I'm handling this (not to well) medication and going minute by minute.

Not standing up for him or his behavior...but it looks like you have turned his family, and sons against him. It is horrible what he has done, but he will be a part of your life forever, through your sons. Try not to turn them against him, because that will screw him, but it will screw them also. Don't do that to your sons. For all the years that he gave to them as a Father (and for them to be so upset now, they must be surprised and hurt because of that bond), please don't make it a "me or him" decision.

sstnt
I probably made it sound that way but I really haven't said to much to them. My sons are men 21 and 19 years of age I can't hide what they see and hear but you are right and I will keep it in check. They are just trying to help there mommy and I can't cry in a closet and the shower to hide what this has done to me. I am hurting and they see that and their angry at their father for causing this pain to their mother. The reality is H should have thought of all this before this awful A happened. But I will keep your suggestion in my thoughts. Thank you

Last night H was at the door asking if he could stay in the spare bedroom because he has no where to go. I felt bad and said just for tonight he thanked me and went to the room and never came out. This morning before he left for work he kissed me on the forehead and said "I am so sorry for what I did, you have everyone I have no one" and turned and left. I feel so bad so I'm calling his family and letting them know that they have to reach out to him because he is to ashamed to ask for help. I know he will be at the door again tonight asking to stay and my son will be like just let him stay. I feel bad but I know I have to be strong and I need this separation to get myself together and he again hasn't thought thinks through and is relying on me to help him. This stinks!!!

Men!!!!!!!!!!! I swear.

this is why NO CONTACT is soooooooooo important. As soon as the contact started,look what happens.
He will be back, right now you need to do what is best for you and take care of yourself. He is a big boy.

I am sorry for all your pain.

shouldnt [no contact] be a joint decision.
Not one made from a man who has been told he will lose it all if he dare loves a child he created.
I think unless it is truly a joint decision and not a threat your asking for it to backfire.

I understand being angry aout continued contact, but this day and age there are many ways for him to have contact with out calling and being alone with ow.

I realise men think differently but not always, think if someone came to you and said, thats it no more contact with the child you created or else.. how could you go on and never see that baby. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

maybe you should rethink your plan and you and husband sit down and see what needs to be done and listen to what he has to say.

Hi lj,
I read all your posts but I kept wondering if he contacted OW because of an ongoing affair, or contacted OW because of the OC? There is a difference. Nevertheless, I am so glad that you have a support system. Did your WS think that people in the family would take his side and pat him on the back and congratulate him for causing such destruction in so many lives?

He might be feeling conflict because the ball is rolling and he can't stop it. Nobody is asking him to stop it, just arrange his priorities. I agree with you on why it is so easy for him to decide to toss a 22+ year relationship?

Is he in love with the OW? Is that why he is a "coward?" I don't get the "coward" statement other than he doesn't have the nerve to tell you he is in love with her??? What is he afraid of? Is he afraid of facing your hurt face and your kids' hurt faces and your families' hurt faces? Because if that's the case, everyone can get past that--there are stories on this board that prove that, but... If he is afraid to tell you that he still loves the OW--well then, that's a different story.

I think you should try to help him sort out what is truth and what is not.

If I were you, and you really want to implement a good Plan B, read up on it here and in Notable Posts and it's probably not a good idea to let him come home--ever, so long as the affair is ongoing. You will need to toughen up first, tho, because you DO have some pride, and dignity and self-respect to preserve as well as preserving the love you have left for your WS.

Hang in there! (((HUGS)))

Thank you all for helping me through this tough time. H took the last of his things tonight and has a basement room in our town. When he left he just said "call me if you need anything and I love you, I hope its not to late". As he left I just cried for a half hour straight. I do still love him and I understand that he made a BIG mistake and an OC was born so we both have a lot of soul searching to do and it is best that we are not together for a while. I have never been alone my 2 boys are doing fine and I do encourage them to call and talk to their father and how much he loves them. My phone will not stop ringing and I have plenty of support. I'm so sad and I don't feel safe. I like having my H in the other room or next to me. A year ago my life couln't be better now look. I really never thought this would happen to me. So I'm back on the roller coaster ride and I'm starting to feel sick. (LET ME OFF) I will survive!!!!!!!! LJ

No Contact doesn't always work.

As much as you'd like it to. Not if it's forced down the man's throat, given as an ultimatum, either oc or everything else. Guilt does nothing for any relationship.

I know this is a very sensitive subject for many here, but from my own experience, I can tell you that when the ws acts out of fear he acts in secret.

I'm not justifying what your husband did, but I can understand why he did it. It was wrong to lie about it but how would you have reacted if he came to you and said this is what I feel I need to do? What would your reaction be?

I remember my Mother telling me when I was about to be married, actually, I think it was while the photographer was taking pictures of the bridal party before we left for the church, anyway, she said "marriage is work. You have to work together or it will never last." When I decided to work on getting what I needed, without him, I got it for a while but it backfired. When your H decided to address his need to care for a child he created, look where it landed him? (and you) Life just got worse.
CM

<small>[ March 06, 2003, 12:35 PM: Message edited by: CMiranda ]</small>

CM
You are right and I never recieved my how to handle an A and OC handbook. I just do what I think is right at the time and my chooses aren't always the best. I realize it was the wrong thing to do KNOW but where does that leave me! I feel either I except or I'm out because that is just the way it is and I really don't know if I can except OC. As H says there is so much damage done and he loves me but we can never go back to the way things were. I feel he never asked me and he is ending our marriage without fighting for me. I hurt really bad!! He feels this his only choose and I was never asked what I thought. Life is not fair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lj1122:
<strong>CM
You are right and I never recieved my how to handle an A and OC handbook. I just do what I think is right at the time and my chooses aren't always the best. I realize it was the wrong thing to do KNOW but where does that leave me! I feel either I except or I'm out because that is just the way it is and I really don't know if I can except OC. As H says there is so much damage done and he loves me but we can never go back to the way things were. I feel he never asked me and he is ending our marriage without fighting for me. I hurt really bad!! He feels this his only choose and I was never asked what I thought. Life is not fair.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LJ,

If only we had a how to handbook, boy could we be spared alot of grief. Don't beat yourself up for making a decision that maybe wasn't the right one. It won't get you anywhere. I say learn from your experience and then it will not have been in vain. It's not over yet. All you can do is move forward, if you love eachother, work at making it right. Baby steps take us along way....

CM

You didn't make a mistake in doing what you did. You have to do what's best for you in your situation. No matter what your H lying to you about contact was wrong there is no justification for that. Take care of yourself right now and let your emotions settle down before making any decisions.

lj

is there any reason you can not go to husband and say just what you said to cm and start over.
Maybe you wont be able to accept oc, and then again maybe you will.
I will share something with you om's wife shared with me, she said when they came to first meeting, she had no plans on being involved with that child, wanted nothing to do with her, till she walked in and saw her.
But that is something I am not sure I oculd handle either, but I kow y husband and he would never ever leave one of his children so it would be me who would have to decide.
maybe because of your strong feelings husband was sure he didnt know how to work it out.

Does the crying ever stop? I am so sad and I still feel very numb. I loved him with all my heart and now he no longer lives with me after 22 years. I still go in the kitchen to show him somethimg funny in the paper only to realize he aren't there. He was my friend and I feel so alone, I know I have you guys(thank you) and my family but I still feel alone. I know it's too early and I will get passed this but it is so hard and I wish I knew what was down the road. I'm sitting here wishing he would call me. I miss my old life.