Afternoon All~

I was a lurker here mostly but decided to apply for membership and finally post!
I have been married for 17 yrs to the most wonderful man ( glad I can say that and MEAN it now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) and we have 3 children who are 11,9 and 3.

9 1/2 years ago my H had an A and as a result there was a child born from that "union". When the A was finally revealed/confessed, I halfheartedly joked to H that the final blow would be to learn OW was pregnant with his child. The silence that followed my statement told me enough.

Shortly after the A had begun(not yet discovered by me) I found out I was expecting and I was elated as H AND I had been trying for some months prior. Briefly: Our marriage was NOT suffering in anyway at all and this A was a complete utter shock( when is it not really I suppose) to me as well as to those who knew H and I and our relationship. When I told H the news he was terribly angry. Told me he wasnt ready for this other child that he was having enough problems with me and the raising of our first and told me that MY timing was waaaaay off. This too was a complete shock to me! I immediately suspected and almost certainly knew in my heart that he was having an A.After weeks of my asking ( okay probbing and digging and being totally relentless in constant ?'s and accusations) he told me he wasnt happy and wanted out. Later that evening I began to spot and sadly the next day I miscarried. When I called H at work to let him know I would need him to come home to take watch over our first child whilst I went to the dr,he told me he was GLAD I mc'd and that it was for the best. This of course broke my heart. When I came home from the dr H didnt ask if I was okay or anything not that I expected this really given his complete change of late. Later that day I decided to kick his [censored] to the curb and way beyond. I packed up every piece of anything that was his and called a locksmith and had locks changed and moved his belongings to the carport. He did come and got his stuff and moved in with OW and her mother. They continued on with their relationship though he continued to deny flat out to me that he was having an A.

Long story short after several weeks of his being gone we decided to TRY to reconcille. He didnt move (I didnt LET him) back in just yet though we had begun to talk more and he still hadnt confessed to having or still being involved in an A but I knew and there was an awful lot of talk in our small town ( military) He agreed to MC and then didnt ever show up for the appts. Thus continued the "separation" Shortly after that he decided it was time to get right and he came and confessed the A and we began MC. I having no idea how to deal with the onslaught of first immediate emotions and the mirad of them to follow forgave him as I felt it was the "right thing to do" I simply was NOT prepared for what I would have to go through for true healing and real recovery.

After his confession came his "homecoming" and in my emotional stupor, we made love as part of the reconcilliation but also it was my claim to show the OW I had MY man back! Soon after I found out I was again expecting and this was when I made my halfhearted joke about OW being pregnant too. Unfortunately it was true. OW was indeed pregnant. During her pregnancy there was some speculation and accusations that perhaps this baby wasnt really H's as she did have a bit of a rep for being a lil' bit "wayward" and yet married as well. I was sure it was H's and when the baby was born my fears/certainty were completely confirmed by pictures alone later followed by the paternity test. Four months to THE day she delivered "their" baby I delivered OUR baby.

Its been a looong and oft time grueling struggle to get to the place of real peace, I in fact honestly am still teetering on the brink of holding fast to real peace. While the baby is an innocent in all of this though sadly used as a pawn for some duration I have no issues with the baby himself. I have, in fact, tried to encourage H to contact OW and try to have his child visit. H hasnt EVER met this child and the OW has ceased to keep him updated on this child. Reason for her not allowing visits: Several years ago she began mailing H with plea's of wanting him back...still loving him and H told her NO WAY and since then she has literally closed the door of any opportunities. Her one request should she allow this to ever happen is that Her current H (#3) wouldnt be part of it and that I wouldnt be a part of it. That it would be only OW,C and H. H said NO way. She has given H as well as me plenty of reason to NOT trust her in any way shape or form. Just an example: She forged a letter sent it certified stating she was her current H and was wanting H to "relinquish" his paternity rights in order for him to adopt the child, thus never allowing my H to see his child. My H nearly fell for the whole thing despite my telling him this was a fake letter, simply being yet another one of OW's desperate attempts to "get H back". She also harrassed me pretty badly through her pregnancy as well as mine by phone and would sit and park outside our home just watching until we threatend a restraint order and she backed off...so much so she moved out of state but she still harrassed by phone and mail.

The child ( I apologize I dont like referring to him as THE CHILD and its not my intention to sound so glib in calling him that I just dont want to say his name here as I am sure thats understood <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) is now 9 yrs old and I dont know if he is really aware of his "real" father. We can only hope that if he does know now OW has at least given H credit due as for the sort of man H is....lest she wouldnt have fallen so deeply "in love with him. In other words hes not been made out to be a first class sh!thead...second class maybe <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> but I reserved that right for accusation..and have totally relinquished that since reserving it. My H is NOT a sh!thead!!

[censored]...yup he can hang with the best of them and still shine bolder but hes MY [censored] nonetheless!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My reason for posting aside from intro is this:

My H came to me last night and said he is ready and is sure that the time is right for our two older kids to know about their half brother. He thinks they have a right to know and that they are old enough to handle the truth. I agree but at the same time I am not sure how to prepare for the ?'s I am certain our kids WILL have. I do support my H and honestly a part of me admires his need to come clean even with the kids...could be part of his convictions fall on my suggesting that if he not tell them sometime it will be our demise when we have our dd come to tell us shes fallen in love and brings home H's much younger twin and I was telling him I didnt think I would be prepared to play host to the Jerry Springer traveling camera crew either <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Not that that would happen but hey...ya never know in this day and age ANYTHING is possible or getting to be more so:)
Our kids are mature enough to be able to handle this now and I also know that they will have a much better understanding about WHY mommy was half assed nuts and pissed at their father for so long. I have had some say DO NOT tell them they are NOT old enough but most have said Bravo they DO need to know and now is a good time. I know my kids will have ?'s just as I did/still do but I am not sure what sort of ?'s and not sure how "far to go" in this with them. They both have a very clear understanding of the "birds and the bees" in fact when learning about the actual act of sex my 11 ds (he was 8 at the time) shouted "Thats SO groooossss!! I will NEVER EVER EVER get married!" and proceded to burst into tears...he asked ....we simply told! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Has anyone here had to face this sort of thing in having to tell your children about a child born from an A? If so and if you feel comfortable with sharing I would like very much to know how it was handled and recieved. My H would like to do this this weekend as he feels it will be the final or as he says The grande finale of the past 9 1/2.

Thanks so much for any replies words of wisdom or even of caution and most especially thanks for reading this...provided you got THIS far!!

Living by faith and sometimes the seat of my pants! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Ana

Hello and Welcome OT:

If I read correctly, you have no contact? We too have no contact.

H and I have decided not to tell our children because we have no contact.

We both agreed it wouldn't benefit them to tell them, besides, ow stated she wants nothing to do with us, well except for support..

I don't know if there is a 'right age'. I do know they will ask when they will be able to see their half sibling. They won't understand the ramifications of the affair but then again they don't need to. It will not benefit them to know that there was an affair. You will have a lot of explaining to do as far as where the child lives, why you are not the mom..etc..

Just my thoughts..

..I am hoping someone out there has better insight for you.

Thanks for sharing your story
God Bless
Butterfly

Otter,
It's interesting to hear how you're doing, since the OC is 9... welcome and thanks for sharing.

Re: telling the kids, I'll share what our (experienced) counselor said in 1999, that unless there is visitation, wait until the kids are teens. He had a family in this situation wait until the kids were @14 and 16, then the dad explained to teens the whole thing in front of the counselor and mom, so the kids could ask anything and feel supported and guided. From counselor's description, it went really well. The dad cried, described his sorrow and guilt at hurting mom, at leaving behind a child, at contradicting to the kids what they learn is wrong at church, etc. The kids still loved their dad and understood in a real way that what he did was harmful to everyone involved; as the 14y old said, it was more "real" than any commercial she'd seen against premarital sex. That's the kind of impact I hope my kids get out of it someday... a lesson in what NOT to do!

We also have been married 17y and kids similar ages to yours, but OC is 4. We are taking the counselor's advice. If you and H agree to tell the kids, you might consider finding a counselor to tell it in front of too (but you'd want to be careful of the counselor beforehand--they're not all good!).

Hope that helps. Congrads on your recovery!!!
J

Hello to all, I am here for the first time and I am so glad to have found this place. I am a 32 year old black married mother of two. long story short my H had A few years back, as a result the low-down OW had not one, but twins!!! I have been hurt beyond comprehension. At the time of the A he had moved in with her for about 2 1/2 months. I prayed and committed the situation to God.We never had a DNA test but I asked God if they were his and He said yes,as a matter of fact I told my husband she was pregnant. At the time I found out I too was expecting, well the devil took over and yes I did the worst thing, I aborted my H child. He knew and did not stop me from going even though I didn't tell it was happening that day! The woman delivered @ 5 months and I was praying they would just die because my H had returned to me a month after she found out about her babies. Well, my hardest problem to date is dealing with the when and if we should tell our children who are 11, and 4.The 4 yr. old is a daddies girl to the highest and those [censored] are 2 now. What should I do I know my kids would not begin to understand and my parents just found out 6 months ago. His family knows but not our church, my H also has accepted the call on his life to preach which he had for years (part of why I fell in love w/him)

YLB

no contact [always a source of grief around here]
isnt always the right answer, but I think I can feel good about saying I think NC is best for your family and you shouldnt bother telling your children, do them and the twins a favor, put it out of your life and move on.

although one would wonder how a man can expect to be a leader among a congregation and a role model if one can not accept responsibility and make peace with the past, and as his wife, I would think you would need a little more compassion for those children he created, after all dear they are just as innocent as you are.

<small>[ March 03, 2003, 01:40 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

Hello and welcome YLB

I agree w/mo5 whole heartedly. I am also in the same situation, meaning no contact.

I hope and pray everything works out for you and your loved ones.

Do any of you listen to Dr Laura, she has a talk radio show? I heard her address a caller who had no contact w/oc. She told this man, there was never a 'right age'. She said it wouldn't do him or his children any benefit to tell about oc. I think this man had 2 teenage daughters.

Just wanted to share

Take Care

God Bless~
Butterfly

Dear YLB,

Welcome to the board. I am sorry you are in the same situation as the rest of us. It is not a fun place to be, but as you know, it gets easier as time goes by.

I am sure that relaying your story here has dug up a lot of difficult emotions for you and I hate to be the first to pick apart other people's words--and I know that this is primarily a place where betrayed spouse (BS) can come and vent--I have to tell you I really, really hate the word "[censored]." It is like throwing knives attached to boomerangs--you never know whom you are going to hurt. You are probably showing a great deal of anger at your H's exOW, but you are aiming your anger at the wrong people--the children. Yup, there may be a dictionary definition for this word, and at one time it even held a legal purpose, but it is hurtful.

There are some women on this board who have conceived a child of their affair and they love their children very much. There are men on this board who are raising a child that their wives conceived in an affair--and they love those children very much. My H had an affair and a child was born of that affair but I would never, in a million years, call her that name nor tolerate anyone calling her that. I am also a child conceived of my mother's affair, so, when you use that word, I feel offended, as if you are labeling me or a child I happen to care very much for--my H's child of his affair.

Blessings,
MJ

Since this thread started out as my intro <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I felt compelled to reply to YLB's post underneath.....I am sorry that you are going through this as its by far the worst thing I have, to date, experienced....much as the pain is surely there I have to say too that it would appear that you have some issues that need to be dealt with as well..and more than likely the only way you can get through your H's betrayal and his children from OW is by you confronting and dealing with your bitterness and your anger..both of which are normal emotions ,however,...being a woman of God I KNOW that those two things can eat at you like a disease and that isnt the way the Lord would have you *us* to be. This especially concerns me as well as it has several others who have replied thus far* Please know I am NOT picking on you nor calling you out..this comes from experience..first hand*.......

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, my hardest problem to date is dealing with the when and if we should tell our children who are 11, and 4.The 4 yr. old is a daddies girl to the highest and those [censored] are 2 now

This, to me, isnt your "hardest problem"...its a problem without a doubt but its NOT the hardest...the hardest thing I think you have to deal with right now is how to get your spirit in a place of real peace or at least a place where you are NOT looking at your H's children in the light you are! THEY are innocent and as someone else mentioned...you are too..and your hurt and anguish IS okay...understandable and even expected...however...those two babies do NOT deserve your bitterness.....no one but the Lord knows the future of those two precious beings and perhaps by some fate and faith YOU may be the one who has been chosen to be a positive influence in their lives.....be it first hand or by prayer...what your H did he is paying for and will for the rest of his life.....but those two little precious ones shouldnt be punished for the sin of your H......and calling them [censored] is just heartbreaking to me.....

My H did have an affair...and as a result a child was concieved..and while I did go through a horrid emotional battle that left my heart a bit scarred, yet somehow by the grace and love of God I also KNEW, even then, that I could NOT and would NOT harbor anything against the child born! He has purpose in this life...and I pray for him...pray for his mother too though sometimes, admittedly, its NOT easy..even after all these years passed.

I dont think ( IMHO ) that you should concern yourself now with the telling of your children. I think again *IMHO* that you need to work on whats inside your heart and your spirit. When the time comes for you AND your H to tell your children about the two blessings elsewhere then you will have the peace to do so in and out of love. Right now if you were to tell your kids it would not benefit ANY of you. It might make YOU feel better in a very temporal way as you still seem to me to be incredibly angry..again I am NOT judging you...just "feeling" what you have posted!

When you cant trace the hand of God TRUST HIS HEART.....ask HIM to give you the descernment in how to handle this....but first please for the sake of your own peace go before the throne and ask for direction in ALL of this......

Peace and blessings to you!