I have been having an EA via e-mail and telephone for the past 6 months. The OM lives far away but I know him through relatives. The OM has reveiled his three prior affairs to me (he has been married 16 years). Anyway... to make a long story short I am supposed to spend a weekend with him very shortly. I now feel he is a sex addict and habitual cheater. My marriage is getting back on track - we've been going to counseling and visiting this site (both my prompting to do).

During our counseling we've discovered my husband to be emotionally abusive and me to have codependancy issues. We are working on these things and I see my H is a loving, caring person who is trying.

HELP!! How do I cancel out of these weekend affair plans? Please, don't say just call him up and do it. I feel horrible (as stupid as it seems) to cut off plans so promptly when we've been talking about this, planning and making arrangements for this to happen.

My Independent Counselor told me not to worry and just to cancel - he'll find someone else to have sex with (yes, I am worried about disease but I am educated on protection). So... how do I go about this? I am afraid of confrontation and afraid of hurting someones feelings (incl. my husband and all others involved at this point) and unfortunately, as so many of these relationships go, I am afraid of breaking the addiction I have with this OM.

Any opinions?

Damnit Ellie,

Cancel the plans. If you don't want to tell the truth to OM, lie! You fell ill, you have to visit your Aunt, anything. It is not difficult to find an excuse.

Whatever you do, don't go. You'll damn your M in the process. Stay away.

Could I be more explicit?

GreySkies

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Elli:
I have been having an EA via e-mail and telephone for the past 6 months. The OM lives far away but I know him through relatives. The OM has reveiled his three prior affairs to me (he has been married 16 years). Anyway... to make a long story short I am supposed to spend a weekend with him very shortly. I now feel he is a sex addict and habitual cheater. My marriage is getting back on track - we've been going to counseling and visiting this site (both my prompting to do). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I read this again and you STILL want to go ahead with this!

Elli, again, think! Don't do this.

GreySkies

Hi Elli

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 1.to make a long story short I am supposed to spend a weekend with him very shortly. I now feel he is a sex addict and habitual cheater.

2.My marriage is getting back on track - we've been going to counseling and visiting this site (both my prompting to do). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Your excuse to break off engagement lies above in the statement you wrote. As for hurting (SC) your concern should be hurting yourself and Husband. (Serial cheater) will find another poor soul to manipulate. NO flaming here just being honest.

Ask yourself what's important to you, serial cheaters feelings, or your marriage.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I will, through reading your responses, find the inner strength to write or call OM,SC (thanks for letting me know the names of the acronyms)and not go through with the weekend (7 days away) aahhh....

I have a "harmony/conflict" problem. Because this is a secret and H, children do not know I seem most concerned with not hurting OM feelings. How stupid! I know, but here I am feeling scared to tell him. Maybe if I just say, this cancellation will free him up to spend the weekend with someone else (I of course, would like to say, with another girlfriend, but I can't assume/accuse him of that because I am not sure he has one).

This situation is a great test and teacher. I hope I have the strength to pass it with correct behavior.

Thanks to you all.

Elli,

I agree with what the other two stated! Just cancel the plans, and try to forget that you ever made them! If you are completely honest with yourself, and truly want your M to work, you also need to be completely honest with your H about the EA as well! Why, cause if you aren't it will haunt you during your recovery, and you won't ever be able to fully recover from this!

And, from experience, if OM/SC threatens to "tell all" if you don't keep your plans, don't fall for it! If he really wants to tell your H, then maybe the time is now for you to tell H on your own, then OM/SC won't have anything to hold over you to "blackmail" you with! I say this, cause I fell into that during my A, and it really made things so much worse!! But, we are now, almost 3 yrs post D-day(discovery day), and things are slowly getting back to the full trust again!

Tread carefully, but I still think that you should be completely honest w/H at some point in the very near future! Good luck, and let us know how you're doing.

Tigger

<small>[ March 04, 2003, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: tigger4jdt ]</small>

I am listening to you. I posted on a few sites (the same topic) because I am learning about how things work here. The different perspectives have been educational but best of all... you are all speaking from experience and no matter what your age or background it is a consistent: don't do it! So... I will not. I will not go through with it. I have already called a childhood friend (girl:)who lives in the area and will spend my evenings with her instead of OM.

Buliding strength to see correctly,
Elli

You are all wonderful.

I am getting stronger and hearing your words - really hearing them.

Thanks,
Elli