My divorce was final yesterday and although UH wanted to stay together I just couldn't let go of what he did to me and our families. I just couldn't let go of the hurt, humiliation and the betrayal! Am I suppose to be grateful that he is sorry for what he did? I hear so many horror stories about the UH leaving for the OW only to come back to the BW after "getting it out of their system" or how awful the UH treats the BW and flaunts the A in their face. Was I wrong to not feel grateful that he realized how much he loved me ONLY after screwing around our 1st year of marriage? Was I wrong to not give it more time? I guess it doesn't really matter anymore. I divorced him and cried in the middle of the court proceedings like a little girl!! I hate him but still love him!! WHY!!!??? He is a @$$hole for what he did to me, so WHY the hell do I feel guilty? Whats wrong with me??

Thisisnotmylife,

Help ME to understand: you came here and asked if you should go through with or stop your divorce and received several replies that advised you to put the divorce on hold and give the marriage more time. I don't understand what you want? More advice that you won't follow? I'm NOT trying to flame but I really don't get it? I know you are in pain and I understand, but what I don't understand is WHY you went through with the divorce when you weren't sure? If you still want your exH, maybe he will continue to try and show you the things you need from him.

I usually do not post about marriage-specific problems, since my marriage ultimately failed, but I really do not think it is fair to condemn anybody for choosing divorce in this situation. I think it is highly commendable for those who choose to stick it out and try to work through an oc situation - and as so many wonderful friends have demonstrated, sometimes this results in better marriages. But I think that it is a plain and simple fact that not ALL marriages are salvagable, and working it out is not for everybody. I know I risk being flamed for this, because this is the marriage building forum (and I TRULY, TRULY think that the advice here and from the Harleys is phenomenal) but I can't blame anybody for going through a divorce either. Remember that infidelity IS in fact one of the reasons that the bible DOES condone for divorce. I don't think we should be harsh on TINML for going through with it.
-cd

I apologize if I sounded too harsh but I really DON'T understand. From what you posted TINML, I got the understanding that you were basically going through with the divorce b/c you were afraid of what OTHERS might think or were encouraging you to do. Maybe I am wrong. Again, I apologize.

NC4U

Not to flame, but I'm surprise you were able to get divorce so fast after being separated for only 5 mos. and recently had sex.

Where I'm from you have to wait at least 1-2 yrs with NC what so ever. I'm just surprise it happened so soon, I just wish you would have taken more time to really think about the situation.

Then again who knows this may bring them back together.I hope you didn't make the decision because of pressure from family or any one else.

<small>[ March 04, 2003, 11:11 PM: Message edited by: MALC ]</small>

Thisisnotmylife,

Since I divorced my first husband for infidelity (no OC at that time, but he did name my second daughter after his OW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) I can advise you on what I would do, "IF" I were you.

I would take the time to heal myself. I would figure out what I wanted in life. I wouldn't rule out possibly trying to work it out with my now ex-husband, maybe this is just what you need to "date" again----AFTER YOU GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO GRIEVE, HEAL AND KNOW YOURSELF BETTER!

There is no law that you can't get married to your husband again, after a period of time of deep soul-searching and healing after having to deal with the horrifics of infidelity, coupled with an OC.

I gave my husband, Mr."T", an 18 month to 2 year time span to try to work it out, as I've known the pain of divorce, but I was also abandoned by my first husband, so that is kind of a different story. Who knows what the future may bring?

Work on yourself, your feelings, get counseling to sort yourself out, parent your son to the best of your ability and move on. Do not jump from the fire to the frying pan was good advice for me. I waited two years before dating Mr."T"----wanted to be alone to get a grip on myself.

Hope you find what it is you are looking for,
Prayers,
Twiisty

Thank you to all who answered!!
And your right to be confused.....why do I come to a site to get advice that tells me to hold off on the divorce and then don't listen to it but come back for more?? The truth is I'm still hoping that even though I went thru w/div I will be able to get some support and hope that someday down the road I will be able to forgive my now xUH for what he has done and maybe now that I went thru w/div he will take me more seriously and learn to respect me some more. I mean I threaten that if he ever cheated on me I would leave him so if I didn't do it then why would he respect me or believe anything I had to say. MOST of the div had to do w/ the overwhelming hate from my family and I felt like I just couldn't STOP the div from happening. I live in Colorado and you only have to be seperated for 3 months from the time the D is filed to the time the courts declare it final. Sex doesn't matter, I could have slept w/him 100 times, they don't care about that. I guess I'm still looking for hope here and advice that I feel I can now follow through with on how to proceed w/ the now xH. Thanks again!!

I dont know she may be on to something. If I had taken action the first time my husband cheated maybe we wouldnt have gone through all the pain we have gone through, and we could have worked on our marriage and made it better the second time around. I think part of the reason he continued to cheat was he suffered no consequences.
I made it to darn easy. I would cry, fall to peaces threaten, but I never left. not for long any way.

at least your husband knows your serious, no reason you and he cant still go to counceling and make it work, if he truly loves you he wont go any where.
just a thought

I also would like to say that I think BS who stay deserve respect too! They are strong people (stronger than me) who are will to do just about anything to help heal their marriage. My UH was a good H and is a good father to my son- NC with OC at all. I should also say that I HAD IT MUCH EASIER than most w/ the D in that UH didn't fight me on ANYTHING! I got everything I wanted in the D, full custody, less debit, most of the belongings etc. So it was alot easier on me thanks to the UH which I HAVE been REALLY GRATEFUL for!! I figured I should take advantage of that situation before some other OW comes along and he changes his tune. Even though my heart tells me he would never cheat on me again, my gut says don't believe it....once they cheat, they will cheat again! I just want to say that I know there are HORRIBLE divorce situations out there and I was lucky enough NOT to have to deal with that, at least not YET!! Thanks again!

TIML,

I'm coming out of lurking to say I can understand your decision. I filed for a D the day after D-Day and served my H within a week of me filing. And it scared him straight. We've had the normal up and downs while recovering but the relationship has improved 100%. He knows that if he ever cheated again I will not stop the divorce. Good luck I hope you and your H can reconnect and build a new and better relationship/marriage.

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