Hi everyone. I read everyone's posts but have only posted once long ago. OC is now 5 mos. old. Don't truthfully know how many times my husband has seen him, (he only says two or three) but he wants to be a part of OC's life. OW will not let him take the child for a ride or babysit. OC has already had four babysitters in three months. H has contact with OW when he is at work, or when I am at work for that matter.
What rights does he have as far as spending time with OC? H has paid child support from day one but now she wants half of child care also. H also put OC on his health insurance. H seems to think he can save money by babysitting for child. Don't know if this a good idea or not. He didn't even ask me what I thought about it. Seems like H and OW discuss a lot of things I really don't know about, although he did tell me this. He seems to be very angry that she will leave the OC with everyone but the father. She doesn't want me around OC, doesn't want it to have two mothers. Any suggestions on what to do? We have kept it out of the court for now. Don't want to spend more money by getting a lawyer. Atty fees will never end then and that would cost even more money. Although as far as I am concerned, it would keep them from having to discuss these things. But who knows if that would stop them from talking to each other. After all, they have a child together. H and I have four daughters together, have been married 26 years. D-Day was my 25th Anniversary present. Great huh? Almost one year ago. Does a single mother have full custody and say so over her child??? What rights does father have?

ds,,,,, i am not the best one hear to comment on the relationship between your h and you. i do know that they say the poja is vital to your marriage moving forward.

i am of the belief that if that child is your h's then ow has no say in whom your h has oc around when he has custody. he is entitled to visitation and as long as the 2 are married you have a right to have a relationship with that c also. you must explain to the ow that you are not trying to replace her as the mother, but instead just form a loving relationship with the child so the child feels comfortable around you.

visitation in these situations should be exactly as if there were a divorce and one of the ex's remarried as far as the child is concerned. i know there is much more emotional baggage but the adults need to put it aside for the child.

this goes for fh and me also. if om decides he is truly going to persue his right for visitation and he is going to be reliable to show up when he says and return oc when agreed then there will be no problems. i will not stand for him to be an on again off again parent. this is not fair to grace.

bottom line is that your h has rights also and although it will cost more money as you said it may very well be worth the time and effort to get something in writing from the courts. that way there are no questions. the court can spell out every detail if you would like, pick-up and drop-off times and places, summer visits, health care, you name it.

it just amazes me that i read here constantly about ow who have gotten every thing they want from mm, the affair, the child and cs yet all of a sudden when a ws decides to try and repair the damage done to their own family these op see them as these great big monsters waiting for the chance to harm their own child. i don't get it.

As always, it depemds on the state in which you live. In Ga if you are not married at the time of birth then rhe child is considered illegitimate and the bio dad has zero rights. However, he does have an obligation to pay CS. I just helped my XMM now partner go throught this process. He has an 11-year-old son. The mother and he were never married. He had to petition the court to have the child declared "legitmate" even though he was at the birth, pays CS, signed the BC, and haas been in his son's life throughout as much as she would allow. It only cost us $65 to file and $25 to have her served. I did the paperwork myself and he represented himself in court w/ my assistance. This judge was VERY liberal in working w/ him and allowed a lot of lattitude in questions etc. NOW he has rights. I also drew up a very detailed visitation schedule.`

However, I also helped XH w/ this same issue and the judge was not nearly as liberal.

Good luck. It can be done. tew

if your husband wants rights he needs to go to court, if he doesnt, he has no rights...

didnt have time to respond more earlier. But you have to know if you dont want to go to court, you choose to live by her rules. You dont know what things your husband has said to ow about you and your thoughts, I have to admit that does alot towards the ow's feelings about you being around her child.
Your hearing his side only and he is going to tell you what makes him look the best.
You wont be oc's mother, You will be her fathers wife making you a step mother, but you cant replace oc's mother and maybe she needs to hear reassurance from you, that you dont want to.
OM'S wife doesnt want to be my daughters mother she cant replace me, But she can be my daughters friend and wants to be most of the time.
Having three sitters could be good or bad, but sounds to me like maybe she is trying to find the right one, after all, who cares for your child is so imortant. Which is why I prefer to do it my self.

Many states fathers pay support and all of the child care, so I dont think it unreasonable that he pay half. But maybe you can all work something out if none of you want to go to court. But your husband can not demand rights if he doesnt go to court to establish them.

SO if you dont want to go to court you have to work something out, and I dont think it would hurt for you to talk with ow, you may be suprised to find very conflicting info.

at least he is telling you he sees oc, most do it with out the knowledge of the wife, and as far as talking goes if they are still friends and work together, chances are yes they will continue to to talk . I think om in our situation just leaves his wife out of the loop, although he tells my husband and me whats going on and works with us, he keeps things from his wife, and I noticed my husband is aware of that and doesnt let on, maybe the good ole boys club continues to always work, who knows. I think he should be more honest, because it sure relieves stress not to have so many secrets.

Tell your husband it is disrespecting you to not be involved with him, and tell him to go to court, if you cant not work out an agreement, but first talk to other woman, You dont know why she thinks what she does. Om told me all kinds of stuff, scared the heck out of me, but I would be willing to bet, he just wanted to keep his too lives seperate.
Good luck , You sould pretty level headed so just be more open and try and work something out.

<small>[ March 08, 2003, 11:01 AM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>