Hello everyone,
Weekend is here and I am having a very.... hard time with my situation. I cried so much my eyes have red circle around then. I just need words of encouragement that the hurt will leave and I will be all right. I feel so all alone H is doing a true plan b (my choose) but I want to call him so bad but I won't. Will I be okay and how long does this pain last? I never in my wildest dreamest thought this could be so hard. I miss him so.... much. HELP!!!

Dear LJ,

I can only imagine how devasted you must feel. Just have faith that you will be okay. I know things don't look so bright right now but you will weather the storm.

Hang in there and keep us posted.

Hugs,
Butterfly

I went to book store yesterday and bought a few to help me through this storm. I'm so..... scared and H seems so calm, I can tell he is relieved the secret is out and he can go from there. We haven't talked because we are in a true plan B but I feel like a high school kid waiting for him to call me. I wish he missed me as much as I miss him. He just is further in the process than I am and he said he can see clearly and thinks we have a lot to deal with and we need time to think. He is right but my heart keeps getting in the way, I'm not angry at him I'm still in the I miss him stage. I call his cell phone just so i can hear his voice message and then I think how pitiful I am and the cycle of emotions start all over again. I want him to fight for me and the marriage but we have a long way to go before that happens. How sad he is and how sad I am. There are no winners in this and can saying sorry be enough when there has been so much damage. Time will tell. I have gone all day and not shed a tear. YEAH!!!!

Hey LJ

how you been? hope you are feeling better today

Hugs,
Butterfly

Butterfly,
I'm breathing! BARELY!! This is so hard I'm overwhelmed I just deal with things hour to hour. I see my IC tomorrow morning I don't think and hour will be enough. My family and friends have been great and my sons are so loving to me but none of that relieves the pain. I have been with my H so long it just feels so strange that he's not here. I miss him! He was my friend and we had a very good marriage but sometimes thinks happen that are hard to deal with and know we are apart. We are both sad about this situation but he has his mind set that he needs to see his OC and I can't at this point accept that decision because I'm still in shock and I can't deal with an A and OC and my M and Myself and still funtion, I'm in overload! H on the other hand has been dealing with this for 3 years and has had more time to deal with this situation. I'm hanging in there but this is alot harder than I ever thought. Keep praying for us!

I'm so sorry for your pain.

Take really good care of yourSELF at this difficult time. Remember the basics of nutritious food, sleep, exercise, journaling, prayer/meditation etc.

I agree with Jenny take care of yourself and just focus on the moment and trust God to get you through with baby steps. This too, shall pass...

I know you miss him but your relationship became too unhealthy and you deserve to be healthy so you can be a healthy person and a healthy mom who is able to give 100% of your best self to your boys. They deserve to have at least one whole, healthy parent who is there for them emotionally!

Since they are boys, they might not be showing their true emotions but I'm sure they don't like seeing their mom all out of it. You'll get through this. Will not the Judge of the earth do right by you? He absolutely will!

lj
I am not sure your plan b is such a great idea!? Do you think since he is so determined to see his child. that forcing him to choose you over the baby will make him come back to you and if he does come back how long before he is drawn back to his child, and resents you for keeping him away.
I dont think you can force a parent not to see his child, You might lose in the end.
However there is a way for you to both win and that is be more open to him seeing his child.

NC is not always going to work, and if you are firm on your nc choice, then you will have to know it may end your marriage and it doesnt sound like thats what you want.
Many people manage to come back from this and still see the child.
My husband and I have come so far and are really happy now, and he sees my child every day and loves her just as much as I do.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

would you really think beter of your husband if he abandoned a child he made, after all the child did nothing to any one.

Hi Everyone,
I wish I could say things are better but I still struggle every day.
MO5- you are so right but I don't have any skills to help me except this OC, we are going to couples counseling because we just don't know what to do. I love him but he did some very hard things to get over, this will take along time to get past. I hope it's not to late. I'm so sad and I am jealous of this child. I want the love he gives her and I can't compete. He want her in his life he has not said he wants her in our life. I know he thinks he can't say that but what a web we weave. This is so messed up.
I'm going to my sons college to pick him up and he leaves tomorrow for Cauncun "Spring Break". TOO BE YOUNG AGAIN! My younger son took the day off from school to come with me it's to long of a ride to go myself those demons will come and attack my mind. I'm learning new coping skills anyway. I talk to you all later. Pray for us!!!!!

lj,,,,,, i just wanted to say that i hope you are feeling a little better each day. the pain you described broke my heart. maybe it was the fact of the length of your marriage. when this comes into a marriage that has been long established it seems so much more destructive to me. probably because it is similar to fh and myself.

This is just a suggestion. But rather then feeling you have to compete with the oc, why not try joining your H in loving a tiny person from heaven who had no say in this incredible mess. That is where I found much of the strength to move forward with my M.

hope this helped in some strange way, pops

lj, My heart aches for you. I know can "hear" the pain you are suffering at the loss of what once was. Things have all changed, the man you'd loved all those years has shown himself to be a stranger to you. The advice you're receiving from the board members with regard to taking care of YOURSELF first and foremost is very important. Your H has made very bad choices that will impact the rest of his life and taint the memories of your M. He continues to make bad choices that cause YOU pain at the expense of keeping OW and OC happy. YOU do not now, nor do you ever have to accept what he's done or the illegitimate child he created with his moraless OW. You may have lost what you believed you had, when in fact all you've lost is the deceitfulness of it. Your H will never again have the respect of your sons, your family or his family as he did the day before d-day. He can "start over" in his new fantasy life with OW and OC...but it will fall apart on him and he will be left in the shambles of all the lives he's shattered. YOU DO have every right to ask him to choose....them or YOU. If he chooses them, he chooses them because he knows OW will settle for the lesser man he's become, afterall, she helped make him that lesser man. OW hasn't lost a lifetime of history with him, she's got the "perfect guy" the one he stopped being for you. She has the cheat, the liar, the man of diminished morals,commitment and honor. She's not so lucky now is she? You have your continued code of ethics, a life untainted by deceitfulness, emotional neglect or betrayal. You will always have the love and respect of your sons and all the people that know you. YOU have the winner here...and it's yourself. Your sons don't owe you H any respect...respect is earned by words and deeds...and your H has thrown that away. Your H deserves to suffer the distain of his sons it's the price he'll have to pay for his selfish actions and thoughtlessness towards them and you. Let's see how loving your H's new life with OW and OC are when he realizes he's been emotionally abandoned by all of you. The sorted world that he has created will cave in on him, it will not last. Your H needs to know that he can't have it all and he's not going to have it all. He has made a choice and now he will live in hell of it. If YOU know in your heart that you can not accept this OC into your life than don't...you don't OWE that to anyone. You have a right to your life without all the drama and pain that your H's failures have caused you. You can love your H from now till the 12th of never...but you don't have to keep him and his nightmare in your life. You deserve to be happy, in time you will be. There IS an end to this pain for you, but first you must decide that you're ready to stop the pain and go on without him. IF in the near future he realizes the fool he's been and wants to truly reconcile then YOU can set whatever ground rules YOU feel are necessary to do that. YOU can demand NC. Don't let anyone guilt trip you into thinking that if YOU were a "good person" you'd settle for less than you deserve. That if you were a "good person" you'd embrace this OC...It has nothing to do with you being a good person, that advice comes to you from those who have created this chaos themselves in other peoples lives and want everyone around them to make them feel better about themselves by not standing up against the twisted morality of their actions. You do not have to realign your ethics and convictions to suit those who have betrayed you. Don't be beaten down by the "innocent child" arguments either. That OC is not now, nor does it ever have to be YOUR concern. Your only concern is for the two sons you and your H brought into this world. You have a great support network around you, embrace them, let them help you get back on your feet. Sue your H for the spousal support/alimony that you'll need to continue your lifestyle as best you can. Go back to school, get a job (if you don't have one now) get back into life and enjoy all the things you missed while you were wasting away years letting you life revolve around a H that wasn't worth the dedication you showed him. I wish you peace of mind and heart. I know it is very painful for you right now, but that will change, you will regain your strength and resolve...your life will go on and you will be happy again...YOU WILL.

lj
the love you are talking about is so different. He doesnt love his child the same way he loves you and there is room for both, and yes it will be a painfull reminder of what happened, but it could save your marriage and you might find out you love that baby as well. You never know.
I know after many hours of conversation with my husband if he had another child with someone else, he would be in there life and if I could not handle it, that would be too bad,
Just as keeping my child I risked that he wouldnt forgive me and he would leave me, but it didnt turn out that way, we are truly having a good marriage for the first time in years. Its working and he loves our daughter.
No one is trying to guilt you, I just know the other side and dont want you to lose your husband if you dont want to.
You may be right and he was still seeing the ow, I dont know, I just know that if you think the main reason there is contact is the baby then maybe just maybe there is another way to work it out.
But if you feel this is the way to go, go for it, but you sound sad, and you also sound as if you think this wasnt the best idea having him leave. jus think it through ... before permenant decisions are made, sometimes like it or not we have to make compromises in order for all parties to work together, it isnt pleasant but can be done.
I strongly feel if you demand something and both parties dont believe it with all there heart, it will back fire on someone. hang in there. I have been seperated before, and it isnt easy and it is so hard to have a person gone that you were seeing ever day, that is so much a part of you, it feels like half of you is missing and you cant go on, I know that feeling, but it does get better, and doesnt always mean the end, we actually filed for divorce one time, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> But never went through with it, and that was several years ago, and I think we are both glad we did not.

Just goes to show you, what you think is a done deal, isnt always so...

tyme
this is marriage builders, not "lets make him pay "

Ah, Tyme. I believe that the ulitmatims and rules set forth by 1 spouse in the marriage upon the other namely the ws, has a bad track record of actually working. In reality that is.

Its not a game where one wins and one loses here. Does anyone win, I don't think so. Its about survival not winning. LJ tried the nc thing and her husband was making contact behind her back. Did you read her story? The hard @ss approach has little to be desired not to mention poor results.

LJ,

It takes a long time to heal a broken heart and a broken spirit. You may not have the skills you need now to do much of anything but get through the day but in time you will. You are in mc together, that is a great first step. Do what is right for you and what is right for you and he as a couple. Marriage isn't a one-man show. I urge you to not take the hard line approach. Do nothing before you approach the situation that way. Being a xws I can promise it produces nothing positive.

cm

This is Marriagebuilders not do everything the WS way! You two OW/WS both talk about compromise but only if involves compromise on the BS part!

lj1122 you need to do what is best for you!

<small>[ March 13, 2003, 01:27 PM: Message edited by: KalGrl ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KalGrl:
<strong>This is Marriagebuilders not do everything the WS way! You two OW both talk about compromise but only if involves compromise on the BS part!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you kidding? You have GOT to be kidding me.

First and foremost, I'm a WS as much as I'm an XOW. Actually, I'd venture to say I was a WS long before an ow. Okay?

My marriage is working. Not because my H rolled up his sleeves and strong armed me either. I can promise you that much. It takes compromise alright, on both spouses part, not just the ws. If I recall, and someone please correct me if I'm wrong, LJ gave H ultimatium of NC, which failed. Phone records proved that. That is the raw truth here. It didn't work. So what do you do next? More ultimatiums regarding contact?!!! Please, it didn't work the first time, do you really think it is going to work the next? I soppose divorce is an option. Although, it doesn't sound like this couple wants a divorce. So what to do next?

Compromise, work at it, talk, listein to eachother; seems like a good place to start, they are in mc. What does the hard line approach do for a bs who has failed at it once already? I do not believe in ultimatiums because they have never worked for me OR on me.

If you don't want a ws opinion who was also an OP, then what do you want? I take this stuff seriously but whenever I get called an ow on this board, I have to just plain laugh outloud. Funny how the ws experience just gets overlooked when someone doesn't hear what they want to hear. Take all your toys and go home kind of approach.
CM

I want to know if I am crazy for being jealous of this oc? H has nothing to do with ow and when he see oc he goes over the BIL house because that is how they met in the first place. I call a mc and our first appointment is Saturday at 12:00. H was very willing to go and gave me no problems. I know he loves me and I do love him but we have to work on a lot of things. I handled the OC like she didn't exist and H made me think he was okay with it but I did give him no choose and I see that was not fair know. I want to be able to do the right thing but I'm afraid and he already has a relationship with her and I feel left out (my choose at first) but I didn't know about her until she was 18 months old. I feel like I am in a lose lose situation. I cry all the time and I miss him but I can't forgive the lies and there were many. He didn't want to lose me and lose his D so he kept this dark secret for 2 years. I am going to fight but I think you guys are right and I have to deal with oc because he can't choose. He has said that but I am still in shock over everything and I am overwhelmed. But to throw 27 years away NO WAY! I (we) worked to hard to get here and I need to know I (we) tried everything. I have a lot of growing to do and I just hope H wants to work as hard as I do. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and I'm barely surviving but I'm taking baby steps. I am going to need all the support I can get so please help me along this long dark road. LJ

I hope things work out for you lj1122! Have you ever delved into the reason the affair happened in the first place? I agree a 22 year marriage is not something you give up w/o trying everything possible to work it out.

I have never been in the OC sich but have a friend who was. Such an incredibly difficult situation. Hopefully some of those who have been in your shoes will come along and offer you some advice.

<small>[ March 13, 2003, 01:34 PM: Message edited by: KalGrl ]</small>

MO5 & Cmiranda,
I appreciate all your advise and your right ultimiums (sp?) don't work, I tried and I'm back to d-day #2. We all have to understand that there are many sides to A and OC nothing is black & white so much grey and I just don't want my M to end if we haven't tried everything and I do feel that H wants the same thing. Will see?