Well we went to MC yesterday H called asked where it was and said he would met me there, I feel like he is just going through the motions but will do what will make be happy. The reason I state that was because once we started the MC asked what was going on and I said to H "Why don't you tell him" and H started by saying he has had 3 A in our M (I only knew about this one) and he is tired of lieing to me and this is way to big for us to get over. MC asked what he wanted and he said it was probably best we D. I of course just cried because I still had a ray of hope but know I see that the person I married isn't who I thought. How sad for me because I really thought we were happy and would end our lives together. He has his mind made up I can tell he was very calm though out the session and I was a blabbering idiot. The MC asked if he understood how I felt and he said that he loves me and understood why I am the way I am but I think I can handle this and he knows me and I could never trust him again. He also said he can't live with me watching him all the time and the MC said that in time that would pass and H said she checks my cell phone bills and I can't live like that and neither can she. I said you did that to me I never was like that and he just said in a very loud voice I can't live like this. MC asked if he wanted to make another appointment and he says I will if she will. He can't make a decision. So I guess the writing is on the wall and he has been preparing for this of a while because he said in the 5 mth recover period he wanted it to work but knew deep down it was over. So in away he lead me on but he doesn't want the M so I have to accept that I guess. He even said your 44 years old it's not the end of the world and how he can't understand why I'm not tell him to get the F*** out of the house. I said because I still love you and he said why? After the session we went to parking lot and he walked me to my car and of course tears are rolling down my face he wipes the tear away and says how sorry he is and I say why haven't you asked me if I want to be part of OC life and he said you made it clear you wanted no part of it. I then said I was wrong to do that and he just shook his head and walk to his truck and left me standing there (crying) and I yelled where are you going and it was like he was mad at me and said I have to eat and do laundry and off he drove. MC asked if OW was still in life and he said no that wasn't it at all. That he F up really bad and can't look at anyone and he has a bond with his OC we asked if in the 5 mths has he seen oc and he said yes once. So he never was honest to me and I have to take care of myself. I'm devastated!!! HELP!!!!!

(((((HUGS)))))))

I am not sure what to say! well, I also went through the phone bills and credit card bills but I do not do that anymore. It has been two years. Your counselor is right it takes time to heal.

Dawn

<small>[ March 17, 2003, 10:19 AM: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</small>

Thanks for the hugs I need them. There really isn't anything to say I think H wants me to hate him so it will make it easier for him to handle. I have to remember that I did nothing wrong and he made decisions and he will have to learn to live with him self. I need to get strong mentally and physically and move on I don't want him staying with me because he feels bad. There are no easy answers and I will go to MC one more time but if M is over why bother. I have my IC so I don't need it and I can't help H fix this mess, he is grown up and you do the crime you pay the fine. This was his doing not mine!! Can you believe he saw OC and still lied to me? He saw all the pain I was in and he didn't care, when I asked him why he said I don't know but I guess my actions speak volumes. Yeah I hear it loud and clear. So here I sit and wait for time to heal. Pray for me!

Yes, I believe he saw OC behind your back. My H did that a week after I found out, but it was his idea that we do everything the legal way and together as a team. I was furious that almost was the end of us. However, since then H has been really fighting I mean fighting for this marriage with all his might. He knows I have serious doubts, trust, anger, fear and the list goes on. Be strong do not let this thing kill your spirits and esteem. I know I am not in those shoes exactly but, I do know that if H and I do not make I will be okay. I can make it without him. If we split up it is because, he was not the one for the one chosen by God but, the one I chose(bad choice). H states no contact has been made until we resolve everything. See Update!!!!!!!!!!Noshow. I trust in God if he is lying I will find out and that will be it. In your case never make a man choose between you and a innocent child. You will not win in the long run. I have decided if I stay OC and I will share H love you know. I already put foot down and told him I am #1, and my two children are 2 and 3. I never want to play second fiddle to this child if I feel that way I will divorce him as fast as he can say sorry. God bless you and I will put you in my prayers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Lj,
How are you doing today?
I understand completely how you are feeling. My WS said the exact same things your WS did. Every time he looked at me he thought he saw the hurt. He would ask me why would I want to stay married to such a monster, the list goes on and on. My answer to him was the same as you, I still loved him, and wanted to try to make this marriage work, and include the OC into the marriage.

It isn't easy letting go of a marriage that has lasted 27 years. I also think it is harder on the adult children watching this process.

Tina
WS 47 BS 49
Married 27 years
2 children DD 23, DS 20
2 OC 5 and 1 1/2
Divorce final in just few short weeks away. (still hoping for reconcilliatio)

Tina

Tina,
Does the pain end, the loneliness, the realization that your life isn't what you thought? I'm hanging in there and I don't cry every minute like I did last week just every few hours. I want my life back and it will never be the same again thats what is so hard to deal with, I didn't have a clue my H was doing all of this (A seeing OC) behind my back. I have know him for 27 yrs and this is how it ends my heart is broken.
Your right my children are having a hard time and they are sad for me and disappointed in their father. He is a good dad and I don't want them to hate him but they see me so... upset that they just can't look him in the eyes. This in time will pass but he had a good thing and ruined it, for what ever reasons. He doesn't want the M any more because its to big to get over and I say he's running because its easier for him. Whatever, I have to move on and I will but I hurt big time and I pray every day for strength and the wisdom to get pass this horriable time in my life. LJ

LJ,
For me the pain is only getting worse as the divorce deadline nears. I too cry most everyday, wishing for what once was.

My husband also I feel is making the easier choice. I feel he is settling for an equally guilty party, so not to have to face seeing the devastation he has caused our family.

Our DS is very torn, ashamed of his father, and his actions, but still keeping a relationship going, and trying to support his mother emotionally.

Our DD has almost severed her ties with her father, mainly because WS does not want to hear the truth from her. She is has openly expressed her feelings to her father, and he does not like to hear that what he has done is wrong. This is very difficult as our daughter worshipped her father.

today WS and I have been trading emails back and forth about an upcoming college visit for our son. We barely can talk on the phone without me becoming emotionally upset. It all just seems so unfair. WS feels that in the future we will be able to have a great friendship, he is so in denial. Maybe if this was a mutually agreeable divorce, but not since I want our marriage to continue.

Yes this pain and loneliness is sometimes unbearable, especially since he waited till the house was empty before he moved out, but he is content because in the OW's house he has his 2OC, her daughter, and OW to keep him company. No time or solitude to miss what he is giving up, and for that I will always resent. Right now I am dealing with all this loneliness, plus still mourning the death of my mother 6 weeks ago, where WS offered no compassion or support, because doing so would be unfaithful to OW. How messed up is he? So why do I want him back? Same answer, I love him.

Tina

LJ,

Its true that it doesn't look very good right now. However, it took a very long time for me to get to a place in my M where I was unhappy and primed for an emr. A very long time, as in years. Likewise, the A changed me, it lasted for years. To get over OM and to feel that I am no longer in love with him anymore, also took a full year once it ended. To see that relationship for what it was and to see him for who he was, requried that I change my behaviors and my thought process and most of all...TIME.
I also remember saying to my H many times things such as life isn't over, we're still young, it isn't the end of the world if we split up,I'm not your life, etc. While it is not a good sign to feel or say those things, we all change and heal, if we want to. Those feelings were born out of being torn and being angry, mostly at OM, not my H. Although he suffered the brunt of my anger unfortunately. I wonder if your H is not nearly recoverd from the affair relationship yet? It is a process as much as we all wish it were simply an event. I would have done anything to have it be so.

CM

Tina

I have been with my husband for 29 years, and just don't know if I can make it. I found out about the oc 12/17/02 oc is 2. Does the pain go away? I think I still love him, but I just cannot look at him. I know the love I had for him will never be the same again. I don't cry as much but I still do. When will the pain go away?

I am reading the book total forgiveness, because everyone here says to read it. I hope I can forgive him, but I know I will never forget.

IDMHVM: Hi, sorry to meet under such horrible circumstances. The pain gets easier as the days go on. I too have mixed emotions at times regarding future with H. However, I see how hard he is fighting and that gives me peace and makes days easier. I pray everyday!!!!!!! Without God I can not make it through this. You have to want it. I refuse to let anyone dictate my life, my happiness, I am in control of my own happiness. You have to be strong, read, write, pray on a continously basis. My attitude is that I will be okay no matter what the outcome. I have come a long way I was a basket case for first few weeks. I quickly overcame it. I Love myself and realize that it is not my fault. God bless you and I will be here for you as much as possible. Congratulations on 29 yrs. of marriage. Our 10 yrs anniversary was Monday.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm having such a hard time with all of this. I'm so sad that my M might possible be over. I can't seem to grasp the concept of the whole situation. I cry every day and when I talk to H he is so calm it just gets me so.... upset that he's not grieving like I am. I have told him this and he says he is sad but just doesn't show it like I do. I asked if just maybe he could allow himself to show that he will miss our life and me that this would help me to know that I wasn't crazy to think our relationship was good. He said he will try but this is who he is and he doesn't wear his emotion on his sleeve. I have always known that about him but some how in my fantasy world I thought I would be treated different and when I'm not it hurts me. My IC says I'm waiting for him act in a way he never has and I'm just setting myself up that I might have to deal with end of M without his help. How sad for me I can't seem to let go! I call him all the time he never really calls me. What is wrong with me???? I have thoughts that my whole M was a lie and how stupid I was and why can't I tell him to never come near me again. I feel so weak in character and I get angry at myself for acting this way. Why do I need him so and he seems okay (even when he says he's not) I am a basketcase and I hate myself for not being stronger. WHY? WHY? I just want to get in my car and just keep driving and driving. Such a hopeless feeling! LJ

Hi lj,
Well you know how men are, they want to fix it and have a solution and it sounds like your H just can't fix this one because there IS no easy fix. He doesn't know how to deal with your pain and mistrust. So he just walks away and leaves you standing there to deal with your own pain. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Consider yourself hugged. I have a question for you? Has your husband always been kind of emotionally distant or is he an affectionate person in general?

It just sounds like he cannot handle the intensity of your emotional state. Really, all he has to do is hold you and reassure you by opening up all the crevices of his life to you. What's so hard about that??? I don't get it????

That's why I keep wondering if he is still in love with the ow but won't admit it?

BTDT,
My H has always been reserved, I have known him for a long time and I have never seen him get emotional. His mother died and he didn't cry (with me anyway) so this is his mo but I thought if push came to shove he would treat me differently and he's not. I have questioned him about OW and I brought it up at the MC and he still denials they are together, so until he wants to come clean I have to go by what he says and I just keep crying. I want the pain to end!!!

Lj,
I know exactly what you are going through.
I too am having such a difficult time letting go. I know there is no possible hope for my marriage. As each day gets closer to the final divorce settlement, I get deeper and deeper into this overwhelming sadness.

I keep hoping that one day WS will wake up and see what he is giving up by turning his back on his family. He can't stand knowing that he has caused so much devastation, and he feels it would take too much effort on his part to try and work it out. By living with the OW he gets to come home to a happy family every night, all such a rosey picture. But theirs was a very long term relationship, so he was never willing to stop contact with her.

So when you get in your car and start driving, drive towards the midwest, and I will meet you. Please take care of yourself, easy to say, hard to do, I know.

Tina