I was curious about something. Most on this site have thier d day written down[meaning when they found out.] They know the exact day and time this happened.

I was curious if any one thought this was a constant reminder and might serve as a reminder forever to put so much importance on such a day ?

Maybe I AM DIFFERENT, I remember a few painful events, and one particular day because it was a holiday, I try very hard to move past them and not make them a day of importance.
This is just something I have been wondering about. Are you supposed to go the rest of your life with this day marked down, or would we be better off putting out of our minds and moving forward. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

This isnt meant as a dig, I was just curious. I can tell you how many times my husband was unfaithful but I couldn't begin to tell you when I found out or the exact date. AND i am not sure I would want reminders around me. I dont want to wake up and say oh my god a year ago to day my husband/wife told me he/she had an affair.

I think posting one's D-day is more to let others know where a person is in their recovery process as opposed to a reminder to ones self...some things you need no reminder off...some things you never forget

peace

that makes sense, I just feel seeing that date every day is quite remder to ones self as well.. but I guess could be used as a marking stone for healing to see how far you have come.
I think for me it would not be a good thing.

but thanks for your thoughts

Honestly, I think over time it will fade. At least for me.

My family was always big on holidays, anniversaries etc.

Even as a teen, I remembered every special day that Mr."T" did (He was my high school sweetie) and can tell you the day he first asked me out (March 12th) and our first date, the Frosh Hop which was ironically on my son's birthday on 04/12/85.....

I can tell you the day I found out about the Ex-OW in my ex-h's case (11/08) and the fact that he named our second daughter after her. I just now "got over" my divorce date (08/06) and barely think about it, except to silently remind his wife that a "deal's a deal and she can't give him back!".....

I can tell you lots more, but I guess I'm associative by nature, in order to remember things and I have a memory like a steel trap. Mr."T" regrets that now as we ate at a restaurant on Monday that was across from a baseball field that he used to meet ex-ow publicly to pay her her money before I found out and directly next to the McDonald's parking lot that she shoved the OC into his arms (the child was terrified, she didn't know him) and snapped pictures.

Being the moody, pregnant hormonal person I was on Monday, I jokingly asked him, "where was the spot that you got OC shoved into your arms?"....the look on his face was pained. I embarrassed and shamed him and he "forgot" all that....I'm the one left with the memories.

I do hope over in time that this will pass. But you are right...sometimes it is a reminder of the pain, but I fear when my mom and dad leave this world, I'll remember the day they died as well as their births. I guess I'm "sentimental" that way even to my detriment.

I'm truly trying. I really do want to move on forward. Thanks for some interesting thoughts today.

Hugs,
Twiisty

Mo5,

I don't know our exact D-day. I remember many of the details of finding pictures on his computer of exOW and Precious and all the details of our conversation, but not the exact day. I know it was a Saturday near the end of Septeber 2000. I could go back and look it up but why bother? I don't want to give it that much power. I didn't have a retrigger crisis on our first year past D-day and at the second anniversary I even forgot about it.

I am not a very sentimental person. That is I don't put a lot of stock in Valentines Day, birthdays, anniversaries. I tend to think most of them were invented by Hallmark to sell more cards. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I would prefer flowers or a surprise on a different day than any of the days I mentioned above. I don't have mementos of our dating life. I have a strong memory and I love pictures. But maybe this lack of sentimentality is why I don't track D-day either.

Mr. J on the other hand hoards and treasures old kleenexes, his arm cast from 7th grade, baby teeth, his grandfather's old magazines, etc. He is a sucker for sentimentality and a real pack rat.

MJ

Oh well, I guess a discovery day ranks right up there with one of those pivotal events in a person's life where you were one way before the event happened, then suddenly you were changed forever.

Maybe if you could go back to what/where you were before the pivotal event happened, it would be not such a big deal.

Sure it's a negative reminder and I don't think BS's hold it up like a candle or something, it's a significant event in life like the death of a child.

I would equate a discovery day as on par with losing a child because it is like a death of the marriage, especially if the betrayed spouse was led to believe that everything was perfectly fine up until that point of discovery.

Betrayed spouses go through the stages of grieving just like there was a death!

Anyway, I was just giving my take on why d-days are so significant to a betrayed person. A d-day could be negative or positive, you were one way before it happened and you were another way after it happened. That's the bottom line. A d-day changes who you are.

Haven't you ever read on the boards where some say that they love their spouse but they will never blindly trust them like they did before the affair?

To me, when I read that, it means that discovering the affair changed their nature to the very core.

Although I was on the "other" end of my affair, I know I am a type of wife who will never blindly trust any human being. Is that good or bad, I don't know, but after raising my OC--10 years single and 10 years being married, I know I'm a different sort of wife than I would have been if I only had children within the confines of my marriage.

For example, I never bring my girlfriends around my husband. Ever. No matter how close I think our friendship is. I always have a protective shield between myself and my husband and my friends. I do stuff with the girls and we all go home afterward. There's like an invisible 10-foot long pole between my girlfriend friendships and my relationship with my hubby.

I trust my husband but I can't stop him from ultimately doing what he wants to do??? Fortunately we have a policy of joint agreement on how we interact with opposite sex friendships that basically follows Dr.Harley's recommendations on How to Avoid Affairs in the Q&A section of this website.

I act this way in my marriage because of who I was before the affair! A slightly different twist, but nevertheless, the A and the result of the A definitely changed who I was...

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

equate d day with losing my child,
I have had many discovery days and some very devistating, but my god I would choose them any day over losing my child. You can recover a marriage, or divorce and in time renew your life, but you can not bring back a lost child.

I guess I am different, I dont want a reminder of all the bad days, why do that to my self. But I am not very sentimental either. although my husband could tell you the day we met.. I could not.

OF COURSE discovering an affair changes you, You all of a sudden trust no one, and are leary of every word out of your spouses mouth. You question 5 min late, ten min, and hour. every thing is under scrutiney, You all of a sudden distrust neighbors and friends, and others you never worried about, because after all that woman was just in your house last week, you served her dinner.. let your husband help her fix something... yes we change, but do I want a day to remind me of those days, like an anniversary no not me, I think it would prolong the pain and serve to hurt my marriage instead of heal... but I am only speaking for my self, I never said they were holding it as a candle or any thing, just that it would serve as a painful constant reminder.. I would rather do with out.
In our minds the reminders are still there, but I think I heal better form it if I dont mark it down.

<small>[ March 23, 2003, 04:02 PM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

jenny first of all my question was a generic one and not meant to offend any one, and I by no means want to offend any one, we all deal with this the best we can. and your wrong I have lost a child to miscarriage. However that isnt what she said. and while d day has been devistating , some more than others.. it would in no way be the same to me as losing one of my children.
but again thats just me. I am not taking away from any ones feelings, this was merely a question put out there for discussion, so no need to be defensive... I am not attacking you or any one else just wondering allowed.

They say getting divorced is much like the death of a child and a death of a parent. I know it is devistating, I have been through those feelings.. I am only speaking for my self...

<small>[ March 22, 2003, 06:42 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

Dday for me is very important because this event changed my life forever. I will never be the same.
Yes I 've learned I grew some, but I will never forget what got me there.

<small>[ March 22, 2003, 11:20 PM: Message edited by: MALC ]</small>

<small>[ March 23, 2003, 04:03 PM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

you still sound defensive,
what cross I am pretty darn happy.

jenny this was just a question about remembering such days and placing so much importance on them... it wasnt a personal discussion just a generic question.. why is that hard to understand ?

One thing that makes me post the exact D-day is that's the day that EVERYTHING changed in my life and our M! It was VERY rocky at first, but now it is a date of survival, and one to never forget, as I remember the pain I caused to others because of my actions! One that helps keep me working on my M to make it a better one than what we had before! So, it is not a reminder to harm or wear as a badge! Oh, and my D-day could very well be a little more dramatic than most others on this board, as xOM attacked and threatened Sailorman's life! Something that is VERY hard to forget!

Just my $0.02

Tigger

Tigger I guess that would make you remember it very well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I am not saying I dont remember things, I do, I remember places and events, just not dates, but hey I am never good at dates, so maybe like maryjane said , dates are just not as important to me.
I was merely asking this to see what it meant for others.

Mof5, my reply was not about your Dday question.

By saying you'd chose an infidelity over the loss of your child any day, you MINIMIZE comparing the IMPACT of these two things. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> You hurt my feelings.

I helplessly watched my baby turn blue, held her lifeless body for the last time, and gave her up forever... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

OF COURSE no one sane would CHOSE their child's death!!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

It does NOT make the comparison with infidelity any less valid.

You can read other comparisons in RECOVERY:

Topic: Do affairs really hurt worse than rape?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=009914

Some stunning opinions both for AND against the question, as well as comparisons with the loss of children...

zorweb said:
"We all react differently to thing[s]. All rapes (or other bad things) are different.. Some are more sever than others. So you really cannot measure whose hurt is worse."
---------------------------

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> zorweb said:
"We all react differently to thing[s]. All rapes (or other bad things) are different.. Some are more sever than others. So you really cannot measure whose hurt is worse." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with this 100 percent

I am not speaking for any one but my self... and how I feel, Not to take away from your pain or any one elses, just what it means to me.. Thank you for sharing what it means to you

Had to chime in on this one, as I see it a little differently. It really wouldn't matter if I didn't see the date of Dday every day--that date is pretty much burned into my memory. But on the other hand, seeing it in black and white somehow actually gives me comfort (weird, I know). I think about how long it's been, how I didn't think we'd still be together now. I think about how things were on and right after Dday, and how much better things are now.

And, like others have said, it is a life-altering experience. I can see how people compare it to death of a child or parent. I've been through all of it, and while I really can't say that the pain was worse, it's definitely right up there. It's worse in the ways that my daughter and my dad did not choose to die. They had no control over that. My H chose to do things he knew would hurt me. But you were also saying that marriages can be rebuilt. But I liken it to replacing something of high sentimental value; you can get another one, but it will never be the same as the original.

Since as long as I can remember, I have always been a date freak and a history hound. As a result, I know war dates, presidental term dates, the years movies were made and what I was doing and where I was when Kennedy was shot, John Lennon was shot, the Challenger exploded, and of course, the most recent tragedies. Dates fascinate me and I can practically pinpoint the actual season, month and weekday as well.

There are no words in the English language to describe my D-days. There were several D-days in 1998, beginning with January when I first detected a change in my husband's personality and when he first lost his sobriety after 18 years and the dominio effect that took place from that pivotal moment.

In a futile attempt to figure out what happened in addition to my desperate need to know, I sat down with calendars and executive planner diaries obsessed to recall each event over the course of a year to make any sense I could out of what had happened so quickly, without much warning and my inability to change the course of my personal history and my destiny.

Sometimes recalling D-day is simply a declaration of when you change personally...forever. The day where nothing from that point is ever the same and never will be again. I think we all have a multitude of D-days in our lives, demarcation points that are like milestones in our lives where we each know instinctively that one era is over and another is beginning. Some of us know the exact date and day and time and the circumstances surrounding a life altering event while others can't bear to relive experiences and would prefer to move forward as quickly as possible, especially if they bear the lion's share of the guilt because their remorse is so debilitating. While this works for some, for me it would delay my recovery for I would not have learned much about myself or what I need to do to change things either in myself or my circumstances. A lot of it was vanity and ego because I just couldn't understand how something like this could happen to wonderful me, me, me.

I desperately searched for reasons to absolve myself of any responsibility for what had happened. The day the psychiatrist in the suicide ward of the hospital announced my husband suffered from one of the most acute cases of bipolar disorder she had ever seen, I could barely contain my inappropriate joy. I mean, here my husband was wrapped up in a straight jacket in lock up and I was almost bouncy with relief.

I am blessed because I have never lost a child and I have never lost a parent and have no idea what that is like and I pray my children outlive me. I cannot imagine that kind of pain. But that kind of pain must be so extraordinary that it belongs in a place all its own in God's hands, loved and blessed, and separate from something as destructive and hideous as infidelity and infidelity squared (the creation of a child outside the marriage). None of us can measure the pain in someone else's heart. None of us can minimize the pain someone bears.

Jen, your pain must be the kind that revisits you constantly on many different levels at times you don't expect them to come crashing in on you. I am so deeply sorry for all your losses. You're in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you and your little ones...the ones with you and the ones in your heart.

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 11:12 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

catnip, my friend, thank you for your kind words. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> HUG!

What you say about me is true, but many people have pains we can't see and don't know about... and that's what I meant earlier when I referred to "carrying our cross"--dealing with our individual pain on individual levels, whether we're in Dday or just a sad memory. We're often alone within ourselves, but it's beautiful when someone is kind and sympathetic, whatever the pain.

God be with us, one and all.