When is the pain going to end? My husband of eight years recently told me that a woman he had an affair with had his child. It was totally unexpected, totally. Since he told me this I have been so miserable and confused and tha pain is overwhelming. My husband told me he loves men and begged me to stay with him but its so hard. It been a few months since my husband told me this devastating news and it feels like he told me this news a minute ago. I think the only reason I stay with him is that I am scared to get close to anyone else. I find myself crying almost everyday but I don't know what to do about this situation. My relationship with his family is also not the same, I used to be close to his mother, but now that she has to deal with the other woman I feel she is betraying me. I found out that the other woman is at my mother-in-laws house almost everyday. They shop together and spend alot of time together. Those were some of the things that we used to do. And its not the same anymore. My husband and his mother don't see anything wrong with this situation. They think that I should just get over this situation, but at the same time they don't want me to leave the situation. I don't evenknow if I have the strength to leave. I am totally confused and miserable

Hello,
You are not alone. These feeling are all normal!

Dawn

Welcome! I know exactly how you feel. Everyday is a challenge for me. This situation will force to grow up mentally, emotionally and spiritually. My mother in law knew about my H secret and also was dealing with the OW. I cut off contact with her for a while because I was so hurt because me and mother in law were so close. However, I had to pray to God to help me get over the anger and bitterness toward her. It will not be easy I wouldn't dare tell you that. But, how much is your H supporting you through this ordeal? Also do you and H have any children? Please read my post! I will try to be here to support you through this ordeal as much as I possible. God bless you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi mama096,
I can't believe how insensitive your mother-in-law is behaving but do you think it would be a good idea to sit down with your MIL and have a heart-to-heart discussion?

Do you know how your H met the OW? Do you think that your MIL may have had something to do with them becoming acquainted? I mean, was the OW friends with your MIL before your H met the OW? OR, did your MIL become closer to the OW after their affair?

In any case, it is very bizarre how your MIL has accepted the OW into her life with open arms. Ouch!

Hang in there tho, you have support here. Cry it out and allow yourself to go through the stages of grieving and then when your emotions settle down a bit, you can figure out YOUR plan for recovery.

Have you read Surviving An Affair by Dr.Harley? If not, that would be a good first step for you. That, plus studying the Policy of Joint Agreement here on this website and see if your husband would be open to the MB concepts presented here.

Obviously you do not feel enthusiastic agreement with the way his OW is being embraced by the family so you should definitely talk to your husband about this and come to an agreement between the two of you so your feelings can be respected.

thank you Butterflie and Bintheredunthat for the encouraging words it really helps to know that someone understands what I am feeling. I thought maybe I was crazy because everyone that I talked to thought I should get over it and accept it. I My husband and I have two young children who don't really understand whats going on, all they know is that they have a little brother who is not, mommies child. My husband acts like its not a really big deal. He doesn't even ask me how I am feeling. He thinks that I should just be o.k. with this situation. one time when we were shopping he had the nerve to ask me to help him pick out diapers for his child. I was really upset and he couldn't understand why I was upset.
Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me. Why do I stay? Why do I put up with this?

I am going through the same thing. My emotions are all mess up. I too wonder why amI still with him. I found out in December about the ONS and OC who will be 3. H does not have any contact. The CS is killing us.

I am here for you if you want to talk. I still have bad days. I just keep praying and asking god to help us through this.

Hope to hear from you.

I feel your pain as well. H and I bought OC some outfits for Christmas together. We agreed that if we work this out we will make all decisions together regarding OC which has not proven to be his yet. It kills me also. He want contact but, I have mixed emotions. This will be his first biological child if test is positive. She is due to go to court next Tuesday. She did not show up on original court date when we were there. I wonder why? They think because you stay with their sorry a@#$es that it it okay to flaunt their affair in our face. I am leaning more toward not accepting this child and ending my marriage because of it. In the beginning he stated I would be #1 as always never ever doubted that however, who can expect a person to choose between the two. I do not trust him and never, ever will. Right now things are wonderful NC with OC/OW. However, not real sure what future holds.

The first year is horrendous. Looking back, I shake my head in amazement that I got through it and that my husband and I are rebuilding our marriage as successfully as we are given the trauma we suffered.

The things you are experiencing and your spouse's reactions are so classic...

During the first year, my husband was hard hearted and cold, even brutal, demanding I "get over it". He was so self absorbed and so "self", there seemed to be no room in his life or in his heart for me. It seemed as though I was not a huge priority at all. There was divorce talk because he was certain I would never be able to forgive him and our lives were now ruined forever because of what he did. It was the guilt talking... he was sure that I was just allowing him back into my life to lull him into a false sense of security so I could annihilate him later by dumping him, probably because he felt that was all he deserved...or that because he was capable of doing this, I probably was too.

Here I was the damaged party yet I was the one working the hardest to repair the marraige. I would cry in the shower and scream in my car and post here instead of dumping my heartache on him because he was so much more fragile than I was at the time. He couldn't take it. He couldn't stand to see the pain in my eyes or even acknowledge the seriousness of what he had done. He needed to minimize it and blow it off like it was "no big deal" to go on.

We had a rocky and tumultuous recovery...we were on one minute, off the next. It wasn't until last June that things really turned around for us...and discovery for me was way back in November 1998, so it has been over four years.

Before you get all discouraged and think that it takes too long for everyone to recover and it seems so daunting or insurmountable, I need to explain my husband is also suffering from a mental illness that is now controlled with medication. It took longer for us than for most.

The "good" news, despite our challenges, is that our marriage is a miracle. We have gone to another level I never dreamed possible. And while this level is amazing and gratifying, I struggle within trying to determine if the price was worth it. I don't know if I will ever be able to say it was, but I am grateful for what we have today.

The pain, the profoundly deep grief, lessens significantly with time. The marriage slowly heals and rebounds with constant nurturing and selflessness and an honest declaration of forgivness sometimes is the key that opens the door to recovery.

My husband struggles with his remorse. Once he knew I wasn't going anywhere and that I loved him and forgave him, he was able to tell me how deeply sorry he as for doing the things he did and how much he wished he could turn back the hands of time and never do any of it.

I still grieve at times when I am alone and think too much or have to face another CS injustice that brings all the memories and pain to the forefront. But now when this happens, we just hold onto each other and focus on what we have and thank God for the opportunity to go on with our lives.

I'll keep you in my prayers that God will relieve you of your heartache and replace it with forgiveness and strength.

Catnip =^^=

catnip: You are my inspiration. H and I are trying him more than I. I am doing a lot of reading "The Power of a Praying Wife" and now "The Power of a Praying Woman. Both of these books teach you about forgiveness, doubt, discouragement and so on. Very helpful material to purchase. Thank you very much for your encouragement. God bless you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

To IDMHVM I want to thank you for the prayers I will also pray for us and others that are going through this very situation. It seems so unfair.I can understand what you mean about the child support. My husband does not pay oredered child support but he does pay. It had taken a toll on us, but it is his fault, because he wants to buy the most expensive clothes and shoes for his child and for some reason or another he feels like he has to take care of the child's mother. Mind you this woman has two other children (where are their fathers or father.) Anyway like I say I don't know why I stay with him. Once again IDMHVM thank you for your prayers and I will also pray for us.

Mama096,

How are your doing this week? My weekends are very hard for me because I am not at work, and I think about this mess even more. I see how some of the ladies are making their marriage work, but sometimes I cannot look at h and don't even want him to touch me.

What are we going to do? Well I hope things are a little better this week. Talk to you later.