Hi everyone,

I feel like I know you so well. I have been reading MB for the past year -- off and on. But, I finally registered and wanted to share my story.

My H has an OC -- the xOW is a woman he met at a party when our marriage was going through a rough time. We had been trying to have a baby for 3 years and I was so crazed over my infertility problems that he was being treated like a sperm donor.

He met this woman at a party with his friends and started seeing her, he told me, to relax and get away from the pressure of my unhappiness. When I found out about the woman, we talked and put our marriage back first where it belonged. Unfortunately, it was too late. H found out the xOW was pregnent about 2 months after their breakup.

The woman had some guts -- she actually wanted my H to leave me and marry her for the "sake of the child". My H said NO WAY. He told her that he would pay child support, but he loved his wife and was staying right where he belonged. That declaration set off a chain of events that I won't even describe here. Suffice to say, she has been horrible to deal with and has tried to create as much trouble as possible in our life. But, we laugh at her and face it together so things are looking up.

The intrusion of this woman into my life is something that I still find it hard to deal with. Luckily, my H is trying to become the man I always thought he was. He pays child support and he tries to see the child occasionally. But, the xOW does not want me involved in the child's life so that has made major problems. My H refuses to exclude me and it causes constant battles.

It took me a long time to get to this point. I read the stories of so many others - Catnip, the queen, Zebrababy, Unhappy wife, Heavenlybody, Tina, Bintheredunthat, Angelia, Malc, Matthew, -- so many I feel that I know you. But each of you gave me something to think about, ideas to put into practice, and hope to keep going.

Thank you to all of you. I am glad that I feel like I can post now and really become a part of the MB family.

Marie

I am glad that you have the strength to stick by him like that. I don't know how long it will take me to get there, but I guess with the grace of God, I will one day.

Wow our stories could be the same except for the fertility problems. We just got very wrapped up in our careers and severely neglected our marriage.

The xOW in my case did not want me in the picture either and she wanted to be present when he had visitation, but my H made it clear that he would go NC with OC and only pay CS so she backed off. She will almost do anything to maintain contact with him even if she only gets to see him 5 minutes a week when we did the exchanges. Very desperate pathetic woman. The OW is stripped of her power when you put up a united front and don't take her crap. Best of luck to you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Welcome MLR
I'm glad you have the opportunity to work on your marriage.

See if you can get your H to read the basic principals and you do the same. I admire your H for standing up for you and not allow OW to use tactics, not wanting you around the child to interfere with what the both of you have.

Ow is being manipulative, don't buy into her sickness. Have you had a DNA test? If not do so please. Most OW are very cunning and maniplative.

You and H please be on your P"s & Q's with her don't skip a beat <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Continue to post here you will get support.
Oh tell H to tell Ow if she continues her madness he will go NC.

<small>[ March 25, 2003, 01:23 AM: Message edited by: MALC ]</small>

Thanks for the welcome, fooled, angela and MALC,

At first my H was very unsure of what would happen and he tried to appease the OW. But, as soon as he started giving in to her demands, she had more and more. He got the picture pretty fast that she was just playing him along for her own amusement.

He knows that she pregnant on purpose. He had been starting to withdraw slowly from their relationship because he was afraid that she would make trouble for him at his job. They don't work together, but she had dropped some subtle hints that she could stop by.

We talked about it and like Shania Twain said, we decided to die fighting rather than live on our knees. So, he laid down the law and I think it took her by surprise. Anyway, she backed off and plays nice some times, but she has her ways of getting on our nerves. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

H did not have DNA test. He says he believes her and that it would just make her angry if he made her take a test. They have a private CS arrangement through a lawyer and H is afraid that she will take him through the wringer in court if he pushes her too much.

The OC is a delight. But it breaks my heart that my H has a child that is not ours. H is always torn between trying to do the best for the child and seeing how she affects me. I put up a brave front and I try to help him with her as best I can but sometimes I just cry.

This is such a terrible situation. Sometimes I feel that I am in a horrible dream and I will wake up. But most days, I cope with the turmoil inside me.

I am glad to be here with all of you. It really helps to have people who understand.

Marie

Hi MLR

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H did not have DNA test. He says he believes her and that it would just make her angry if he made her take a test. They have a private CS arrangement through a lawyer and H is afraid that she will take him through the wringer in court if he pushes her too much.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Listen to me very carefully, there could be a possibilty this OC is not your H. Your EXOW games didn't start after she gave birth to this child she had her game plan long befor then.

The Hell with getting her angry this is about you and H life, this will change your life forever.
There are DNA test you can order on line also OC and your H can be tested without OW even knowing about it I'll find the site and post it for you OK

true you can do a private dna, we did one, just me my daughter and om. However because it was private it was not legal in court.. We have also done a legal one, so if something happens to om, she will have benefits, This one required, me my daughter, and om, and every thing had to be witnessed, pictures, the whole nine yards..
The private dna is only a couple of hundred dollars, the other is a bit more pricey.

However, If I were you I would demand a dna, before you do any thing else. what if she isnt your husbands, your spending all this time bonding with a child who could very well be taken away, and your putting your self through pain when you may not have to.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Only makes sense to do dna, especially before you make an arrangement for cs.

MLR,

I agree with MALC and mo5 on the DNA! There have been a few on this board who believed the OW about the paternity of the OC, and were paying w/out the court's involvement, and low and behold, when DNA test was demanded, and completed, the OC wasn't the H's and any support given was stopped! In fact, two of the posters that you mentioned in the first post of this thread were given the "get out of jail free" card! If you have already worked things through w/an attorney, why worry about asking for the DNA test? I would think that in this situation, $400-600 would be well worth the money spent!

Just my $0.02

Tigger

Mariel,

We did it privately w/o testing exOW. You order the kit online and you run a Q-tip on the inside of the child's cheek. It is called a buccal smear and it is painless. Just make sure to have someone other than your H do the testing so he doesn't pollute the child's DNA.

Then you do the same thing for your H. He [b]should[/] do his own swabbing.

Even w/out the OW's DNA you should get an answer that he is excluded OR that it is 98+ plus certain that the child is his. My H has some rare genes that his daughter got so the probability was 99.8%. Given the fact that she wasn't sleeping with a thousand other men we accepted this as certainty.

The test is not legally admissable because you self-administer, but if it shows your H is excluded you then demand the legally admissable test.

Hope this helps,
MJ

Get a DNA test PLEASE!!! My H had one done on OC 1 week after she was born. The xOW cried when he said he wanted one but who cares. You cannot take the word of TOW for ANYTHING!!

My poor aunt has 3 college aged sons who are quite the romeos and 2 of the 3 have had paternity suits brought against them. Both of them ended up being excluded. You never know.

Hi marie,
Welcome to MB. I'm so sorry to hear about your inability to conceive a child. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It probably just makes you want your own baby even more. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Consider yourself hugged...

I don't take pregnancy for granted anymore--now that I'm too old to have kids!!! And not that I would want anymore...

On the up-side, it's great to know that your H is not in love with xOW, standing by your side and unwilling to give in to xOW's manipulative demands. That likely added momentum to your recovery!

It sounds like you guys are truly in love which can only strengthen your bond and recovery all the more. Again, welcome! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 26, 2003, 01:26 PM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

I got such a strange feeling reading your posts about the DNA test. I read those posts about "get out of jail free" cards but for some reason they did not register.

I will speak with my H about the test, but I feel almost afraid at this point. Maybe this won't make sense but I would feel so strange if puddlelump turned out not to be my H's... I guess I have bonded with her. As hard as it is sometimes, she can be an absolute delight.

Someone said on another post -- (I think it was MOMof5) she doesn't know that she should dislike me. She accepts me as part of her life. And, I am so desperate to parent, I guess I accept her as a replacement daughter. But, we really should know the truth so I will speak with hubby about this.

Thanks for the concern and the good info MALC, MOM, Tigger, MJ, Angela, and BTDT. We could at least start with the home test and see where it goes.

Fooled -- I am assuming you are just starting out on this adventure. You will get there. It is the most horrible thing in the beginning. You feel numb, almost dead inside. You feel like a fool and humiliated. But you find that wild sense of strength inside you and you deal with it. If you love your H fight for your marriage! For me, the vows we took were NOT just words, they meant something and they were worth fighting for. Take care of yourself, pamper yourself and make sure you treat yourself as #1. God will guide you -- baby steps will get you through the journey.

marie

By the way, how did some of you get those cool captions under your names? The ones that tell your life story in less than 5 lines? I can manage typing but nothing fancy on the computer.