when visitation first began what were some of the tpics that were addressed? i know the stuff like buckleing up, eating and sleeping habits, changing, etc.

what i am looking for are things like: scheduleing, over nights and some of the unforeseens that anyone may have experienced or could think of. grace is so young and i know the first visits will need to be supervised as she is very clingy to both fh and me right now. we will not just shoe her off with a stranger. but how long would you think and i thought maybe at a park.

i am not trying to have you all make a schedule for us but rather for the bumps that may arise along the way so fh and me can start putting a plan together so as to make it smooth as posible for everyone.

i have noticed from reading here that most bs w's that seek nc had an ow who made it known that she still wanted wmm. i didn't ask her to but thought that he should fake interest in him to have his w pressure him for nc. why does that just sound devious to me? i must be sick.

looking forward to your thoughts, pops

lol ok I am done laughing now.. pops thats a bad idea. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

a park is a great idea, I think meeting for an hour is enough for the first visit it will be emotional and trying for all parties involved and probably all you can handle.

I had a few first visits before I allowed her to go off with them, I knew om would be ok, but this was new to his wife and she was known for being hateful to people long before I was around..
after four or five visits each a little longer than the next, I let her start going for the day.
Took quite a while before she spent the night, and then it was only one night at a time, never two nights in a row, we did that twice and it was too much for them and her all at once bad idea.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I always shared what she was doing each week, like new words and such and what it means when she does certain things or ask for something they dont understand.
It bothered me that all visits consisted of mostly shopping, pretty soon daughter thought his wife was her personal shopper and would spend all day in a vehicle or stroller, a bad idea, and she was weary soon.. I asked them to please dont use there visits as only shopping take her home let her get used to just being there.

I always sent pics in hopes they would share ones they took, and they have some but not always. om brings me some when he can sneek them away.. I always send extra clothes, extra diapers, extra every thing, too much is better than not enough. I ask them to please support me when i was weaning her off bottle, however om man said I was mean to take it away at two and gave it back to her, so she was still hooked on it, a month later his wife told her how ugly her bottle was and tried to take it from her, hellooo I was a little peeved to say the least..
now she doesnt spend the night at all, she goes for the day but no over nights, an agreement we made, it allows her to be in his life with out all the crap from his wife and her daughter. They save money because he doesnt pay much of any thing, but we dont have to worry over her all the time, and I like it better that way. She gets to know her birth father and his wife and her siblings from his family, but she doesnt have to sleep away from home every week, and she gets to be at home all holidays and and sleep in her bed every single night. That is worth every penny I lose in child support to me.. I just couldnt stand parting with her all the time.. She has limited exposure to his step daughter, who is very ugly about me in front of her.. although my husband and my self are always polite to her. Has taken every ounce of heart I have not to say, But I wouldnt do that it is wrong... I just have to vent about her ever so often. She does things like buys my daughter stuff and then tells her she cant take it home to her mothers, she told my other daughter not to touch the present she bought my youngest daughter.. my husband and I are not like that, we send toys , clothes all kinds of stuff to there house, to make sure our little one has her things wherever she goes. I send stuff for thier grandchildren to make sure my little one doesnt have things there just for her, I buy two of lots of things, so the grandchildren can have them as well.
I think the above teaches hate not love and respect and I dont want my daughter raised that way. which is why even if om and I have been screaming at each other, we do not do any thing but be nice in front of all the children. NO MATTER WHAT. That isnt always easy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

big thing dont cry when she leaves with them , wait till you get in the car.. it is better that way.. and for your sake and graces I pray he doesnt want to be involved and dissapears and lets you keep the role you have so galantly taken on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 01:11 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

also if grace is on a schedule , ask them to please follow the same schedule.

I also do not allow any one other than my husband and my self to spank and now om, although he has not yet, but neither have I.. I just didnt want any one in his household yanking her up and spanking her... I am nt being unfair, I dont allow my relatives that option either.. we use time out, and they are free to do that.

Try and include his wife unless you really think your plan would work, I always would address her first and make sure I knew she was there and recognised her role int his.. it was hard but I did it. in time it caused her to try and be nice, she didnt last long, but hey she tried...

pops,
Bless you and fh for thinking ahead…. Planning and organization can help keep things running smoothly

Our Experience
Actually, when our visitation actually began not much was discussed at all.
Lil Bit was 5 wks old and basically all H was told was nothing. NADA.
He only had her overnight for the first 2 or 3 times. ExOW allowed him to pick up Lil Bit at 6am in the morning on his way home from work on Saturday and then wanted her returned at 5pm the next day.
I felt at the time that this was a good way to allow the baby to get used to us… and still do.
After going to court and establishing paternity, we asked for “standardized” visitation, expecting the usual every other weekend visitation arrangement that H was used to with his son. H was given every weekend based on the fact that he had been involved with Lil Bit’s daily care, as the exOW had returned to work.
ExOW was furious with the court ordered schedule. She kept Lil Bit from H for a month. And because of her refusal to allow him access to Lil Bit the courts ordered the visitation increased. And a reprimand was set in place that she would be in contempt of court if she kept Lil Bit from H one more time.
The only thing we were ever told by anyone was that exOW was giving Lil Bit a low iron formula. We verified through the pediatrician that the formula was to be WITH Iron… but exOW was continued with the low iron, so that was a friction point in the beginning.

Suggestions…
Beginning at the park is a good idea. Some place that Grace will be comfortable. I suggest also having someone there(watching from a distance) to keep an eye on what happens during the time, other than you or fh… That way there is a witness should anything happen. We did this during the first few months of exchanges. Now we rely on the parking lot video camera system at the grocery store where we have most exchanges.
How long it takes for Grace to become used to this situation really depends on her age and personality and how exOM, his W, fh and you act during the visits. Children are very perceptive, as I am sure you already know, and they can adapt pretty easily. Basically, take your cues from her as to when she may be ready.

Definitely establish what Dr that you and fh already use, and make sure that if she becomes sick, while in the care of exOM, that you and fh are immediately notified and can make the determination if she requires medical action.

I agree with Mo5, it is best to keep Grace on the schedule that she is used to.
Lil Bit is basically on a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants type schedule. We have experienced since exOW isn’t working, Lil Bit has a tougher time re-adjusting each week to the schedule we have established here. She adapts well, but it would be much easier on her, and the rest of us, if exOW wouldn’t keep her up all hours of the night.
Keeping them up on the new things she is doing, is also an excellent point. Encourage them to try to do the same type of things, such as reading to her, teaching her the same nursery rhymes, etc… Maybe even ask for ideas from them as to things they may teach her in regards to things like that.

As, Mo5 said, I pray for your, fh and Grace’s sakes that exOM doesn’t press to have visitation. It would be so much better for Grace, so as not to confuse her more than necessary, especially now that she has already bonded with you.

Mo5 also made another good point about exOM’s W… definitely make her feel included. Addressing her first is only fair, as I am sure you would rather exOM address you first.
It shows respect and she is definitely due that, as much as you are for going through this entire process.

Good Luck to you, both, pops and fullhouse.
And Big Hugs to (((Grace)))