I am a 28 year old mom of two (ages 5 and 3) who has been married for 6 years. My marriage has had its ups and downs. We survived an affair my husband had 3 years ago and a bunch of other problems too.
Well now here I am pregnant with someone else's baby. I began an affair this year with another married person. I think we both needed attention and affection and we were able to fulfill that with each other.
My boyfriend is saying he wants to be with me, and raise this baby together. That he loves me etc.
But now that I have reached this point...where I am pregnant. I realize how very much I love my husband, and want to be with him.
For my own personal reasons I dont feel like I can get an abortion. So will try to carry this baby to term. I'm already having complications so don't know if this is possible, but am definitely trying.
My husband is devastated (rightly so!), and I am so ashamed of the bad choices I've made.
Any advice? Have any of you been where I am now?

E.

I have no advice, but am sorry you are hurting so bad. Sorry you also feel a need for this board, as we all obviously do. Why else are we here?

Did you try asking your H how he feels about the situation. You said he was devasted. That I understand, but how does he feel about your unborn child?

What are you willing to sacrafice to keep your marriage intact?

If your H stays, and chooses NC with OM, no CS, and wishes to raise him/her as his own, what are your wishes?

You love H, will he stay?

Wishing you well,

ember

Dear e29,

I am not in your situation (I am the betrayed spouse) but like ember my heart goes out to you in your situation.

There are women on this board who have given birth to OCs. I am sure they will come along to talk with you and help you.

If you want to save your marriage, don't be dissuaded -- go for it. It will be difficult but it is not impossible. I know I wanted to talk about the affair a lot. Be patient with your H. Let him talk about it as much or as little as he wants.

Marriage counseling might be helpful, if you can afford it. Everyone says the Harleys are wonderful (but expensive). But that would be money well spent.

I haven't been much help but you are in the right place to get help from people who have been in your shoes and can give you good advice and guidance.

I wish you all the best,
Marie

Ember,
Thank you so much for your response.
My husband is devastated, and he definitely does not want this baby. He actually is hoping that I'll miscarry.

What I am willing to sacrifice.... I am willing to obviously stop seeing the OM, and focus 100% on our family. My husband and I are still very good friends, and I would hate to lose that.

As for raising the baby as his own. H is an awesome dad! Our children now just adore him. I don't know if he would favor our kids over the baby, which in a way I would think is natural. or if the baby would be a constant reminder of the affair. I don't know.

I wish I could change things. Wish I could take this all away so no one would be hurt.

E.

Perhaps your H can raise him as his own child. You have a lot of talking to do with your H.

Wishing you well.

ember

All I can do is send hugs and prayers your way. You're in a tough situation but there is a lot to be learned on this website regarding how you can continue with your plan to recover your marriage. There are several good people on this board too who are in your exact situation who can help you think it through and see what will work for you and your family. Keep reading, and keep posting. Welcome to Marriage Builders.

e29, fight for your H if you really love him. Would you offer child up for adoption for your husband? Would you be better off with your husband, or without him? Your actions have involved your entire family. Maybe by the time you deliver, H will have changed his mind, maybe not.

I'm sorry I have no solutions, just support. If you love H, fight to keep him. Answer his questions truthfully. You don't have to add details. Start with honesty. Also, actions speak louder than words.

Good-luck,

ember

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What I am willing to sacrifice.... I am willing to obviously stop seeing the OM, and focus 100% on our family. My husband and I are still very good friends, and I would hate to lose that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He may not feel like those are such great sacrifices on your part. But if you would be willing to put the baby up for adoption to save the M, then this HUGE sacrifice could go a long way in convincing your H that you truly love him and would do anything to regain his trust, including giving up your child for him. He may be so moved by such an offer, that he may not want you to give up the baby, to spare you the hurt of parting with it. But if giving up the child is out of the question, then the fate of your M may be decided on an emotional toss of the coin by your H.

tmcm

I gotta ask, do you honestly thing she should bluff her way into saying she will give up a child in hopes he will not take her up on it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Thats playing with fire, I think a bad idea, if her and her husband decide together adoption is a good idea, and they both want that, then great go for it, but if she is not emotionally able to carry a child to term, and give it up, then she need not say she will, because if she follows through with something, she does not want, she may never forgive her self or him. :teary

I love my husband, and dont want to be divorced, but given the choice, I would not , could not make that type of choice and he knew this...

I think there are many more avenues to explore before someone should consider something like this..
Look how many here have been raising the child as thier own , k, pops, tigger, me, cm, it can and does work, and I am sure all those had the same feelings and emotions at one time...

I always like your advice, but for me this one is to far out there, and I realise I may be alone on this one.. but I feel very strongly about it.

e29, I considered TMCM's suggestion of adoption but didn't post it because clearly you're going forward with the pregnancy. I take that to mean that you want this baby...

I think your hubby will come around, just look at the great strides other husbands on this site raising OCs have made!

But everyone is different, we can't say he will ever accept your OC so that should be discussed to the point where an enthusiastic agreement is achieved.

mom of five

The suggestion for adoption was not made as a bluff in a game of manipulation to save the M, but as an alternative that her H could live with. Most men would find this situation unbearable to live with and thus we can not use pops and K as the norm as far as men that accept their W's OC by OM (we spend a lot of time here that we tend to beleive that this is a microcosm of the real world). I truly hope that her H is willing to forgive her and accept the OC as has K and pops theirs.

After all, how many married women would accept their H's telling them they had an OC that they wanted to bring into their household, and if they didn't like it they would divorce them. Would these women accept this?

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 02:32 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

your right most women would not accept it, But I think the difference is, this baby is growing in her, not in the man whom may have fathered oc. This women has an emotional connction with the baby who is not even here yet, and it is usually a pretty strong one. It isnt a bond that has something to do with the om, it is far from it. She will watch and feel this life growing in her, and have as much love for this child as the little one running around her house now, reguardless of how the child came to be. Right or wrong most women have an instinct to protect their young at all cost, and if we lose a man in the process so be it...

Do men feel the same way, most likely no, or god would have made them have babies. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> But being there from day one and being there at birth and all the days after, especially with out om involvement, makes life alot easier to to bare and that little angel easy to love. Maybe not all men but it is done.
pops has described that the birth was very sad, and it has taken him awhile to get to the point he is now , I am not sure about k. But my husband although he had emotions about it, was very supportive and excited by her birth[because giving birth is pretty incredible.] But he was showing off his baby girl to every one, and has been a doting father ever since to her, infact has done more with her than the others when they were infants, do to the fact he was away in the military when they were young.

I think that while adoption is a nice thing for people to do, not every one has the capacity to give up a child they love, do before those suggestions are entertained, we should offer other sugestions...
like giveing her husband time to think about what he wants and can do, he is emotional right now, and has not had time to absorb it all.

mom of five

Your points are right on the money, as always <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

I too hope that e29's H finds it in his heart to forgive AND reconcile with her. After all, he too was forgiven and reconciled by e29 three years ago when his A ended. She deserves a chance from him just like he got one from her.

e29

Your A and pregnancy with OC would most likely not have happened IF both you and your H had implemented an MB oriented marital plan of recovery that included counseling with a marriage saving professional, after his A ended three years ago.

It wouldn't be surprising, if the two of you did what a lot of couples do after they decide to move on after one spouse has an A, and that is sweep the issues that made his A possible, under the rug and made an effort to forget the A like a bad dream. As you found out from first hand experience, this never works and often leaves the original BS(you) self esteem so badly damaged, that s/he is also vulnerable to fall into an A.

If your H decides he wants to save the M, then BOTH of you must not repeat the mistakes you made after his A. Get counseling with the Harley's or with Penny Tuppi (she's a follower of Harley's methodology and a FWS herself who is often here on the infidelity boards under the user name of Cerri) from Save Your Marriage Central.

I hope this ordeal is used as an opportunity for BOTH of you to become better people. I wish you and your H all the best.

TMCM sez: "Most men would find this situation unbearable to live with and thus we can not use pops and K as the norm as far as men that accept their W's OC by OM (we spend a lot of time here that we tend to beleive that this is a microcosm of the real world)."

I totally agree with this. I'm amazed by some of the stories I read on this pregnancy board. I don't think I could ever forgive my wife being pregnant with another man's child, and I'm a FWS!

I know this isn't kosher here at marriagebuilders, but in general, if you want to save your marriage, I would advise NOT revealing being pregnant by someone other than your husband. But then we don't have any kids, (mine or not-mine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), so once again I have to confess to not really knowing what I am talking about.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right or wrong most women have an instinct to protect their young at all cost, and if we lose a man in the process so be it... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is very true and no one here would blast a woman who would sacrifice her marriage for her OC. But on the other hand, a man that chose his OC over his W would be vilified to the ends of the Earth. Don't you think this is a double standard?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think I could ever forgive my wife being pregnant with another man's child, and I'm a FWS!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Doofus, the truth is that NO ONE truly knows what s/he would do in this situation until s/he was faced with it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">if you want to save your marriage, I would advise NOT revealing being pregnant by someone other than your husband.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The danger with this kind of thinking is that the truth may be revealed years later (i.e. medical condition, OP informing the BS, etc.) and the damage will not be just with the BS but with the OC as well. The OC may never forgive his/her WP(wayward parent)

And even if the truth never came out, the tremendous burden the WS would carry, could eventually drive a wedge thru the M, and create a chasm so wide that the M itself would probably not survive.

Lastly, if the truth is revealed before the baby is born, there is a good chance of the BS forgiving and reconciling with the WS, and both of them move on with their lives and hopefully creating a happy future for themselves and for the OC.

Honesty IS the best policy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Lastly, if the truth is revealed before the baby is born, there is a good chance of the BS forgiving and reconciling with the WS, and both of them move on with their lives and hopefully creating a happy future for themselves and for the OC.

Honesty IS the best policy.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">truer words were never spoken

doofus

while this is not the norm, it can be done and is done by more than the people who post on this site. and considering some of the alternatives it isnt a bad one.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

" .... once again I have to confess to not really knowing what I am talking about."

I stand by my words!

just consider your self blessed you are not dealing with this..

doofus,,,,,, you said that you were a former ws. what if you had gotten the ow preg.. would not not hope that your w would be able to move on in your marriage with you?

tmcm,,,,,, i have seen women get blasted here for thinking just that same way. oc over h. but unfortunately there are many double standards when it comes to affairs especially when oc are involved.