I posted for the first time last night. TOld abut my affair and my current pregnancy.
Well, last night my H called the OP's Wife and told her everything. She had no idea before he told her.
She called me this morning and was so very very hurt. I understand it because I have been cheated on as well and know its a feeling like no other.
She wants to keep talking to me. She wants answers that I don't feel like I can give her. I don't know what to do.
I haven't talked to the OP since this has all happened and have no idea what he's going through. It's all very confusing.
Here we are now with 4 hurt people, all trying to find a way to deal.
It's harder than I thought. My H is saying that he is moving out. Understandable. I guess I couldn't understand why he didn't hate me at first.
Where to go to heal?

E.

That sure is dramatic.. Do you have any idea why you H chose to call his wife and tell her everything? Does he think that you and he are somehow still involved or that you would become re-involved once your H moves out of the house?

Have you considered therapy?

cm

Cm,
I started therapy 3 weeks ago.
All my H has said is that he had a moral obligation to tell her about the affair. But yes, I think a part of him wanted to make sure it was ended once and for all.

E.

<small>[ March 27, 2003, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: e29 ]</small>

Read about Plan A asap! Find out all you can about the Basic Concepts here and there is a lot of helpful information in the Q&A section of this site. See if you can pinpoint your H's top emotional needs and lovebusters.

Sounds like honesty is one of your husband's top needs. I'm glad the affair is exposed and early on. You have to take good care of yourself right now so eat right, take your vitamins and drink plenty of fluids and get prenatal care! I know, nag, nag, nag.

You can't afford to fall into depression even tho it might be tempting. Let your husband think but see if you can encourage him not to leave, if possible.

If you really want to work on things and he is willing to accept what all has happened and stick with you, you can survive this. Keep the faith!

Hello e29
As a male I know what your H is going threw,because my W is pregnet for OM and it hurt very much. I hurt more because her doctor told us that we are high risk of having a drug baby,because the man she was with is on drug bad till this day. I have to swallow my pride everyday because I love my W very much.

All I can tell you is talk to your H and tell him he is not the only male going threw this and if he still loves and care for you that he need to swallow his pride.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ONE TON:

"All I can tell you is talk to your H and tell him he is not the only male going threw this and if he still loves and care for you that he need to swallow his pride."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh that is going to be of great help <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . Tell me, did your WW ever tell you this?

Would you tell your WW to suck it up if you had an OC with an OW and you were hellbent on bringing up that child with the rest of your children at home?

e29:

Would you be willing to put the baby up for adoption to save your M? If you are, then this HUGE sacrifice could possibly convince your H that you truly do love him and that you would do anything to save the M, including giving up your child by the OM. But if giving up the child is out of the question, then the fate of your M could depend on the emotional toss of the coin by your H.

e29,

I am saddened to welcome yet another new poster to this board! But, this is an excellent place for help in repairing the damage done to your M and for the resources in rebuilding that M to an even better one than you had before! How do I know this, well my H and I were exactly where you are at, almost 3 yrs ago! In fact, H had tried to talk to xOM's W right after D-day! Although she already knew of the A! xOM and his family have never known about my pregnancy, or our(H and my) beautiful D, Abbi! I can tell you from experience, having NC w/xOM has been one of the best decisions we've made since D-day!

As for your H moving out, I agree with BTDT's suggestion to see if you can keep him from doing so, but making it known to him that you are giving him space to sort things through! I am going to be honest with you, my H didn't/couldn't bond with our D till after she was born! It was one of my roughest pregnancies, and hard on us both(nothing like complications, just joint/back pain EVERY day!) As I got larger, it was just a bigger reminder of my infidelity and the pain that I had caused! But, now Abbi is Daddy's little girl! We will eventually tell her, and her older siblings of her "beginnings" but not until she is older!

I would check with your state's laws regarding "assumed paternity", especially if you and your H are able to keep your M intact! Decide TOGETHER what you want to do about this child! Come here often, and post any questions you can think to ask!

Hope that I helped in some way!

Tigger

**edited to correct spelling/grammar <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ March 27, 2003, 06:10 PM: Message edited by: tigger4jdt ]</small>

first let me say welcome

and a big second, Please do not make any decisions while you and your husband are emotionally having a breakdown, give it time, You do not make a decision this big based on emotions running this high...

2nd, let me share something with you...
My husband said for me to get an abortion, demanded it in fact or he was leaving... I said I am sorry to hear that, but I can not and will not give up my child.. He changed his mind, and he loves that little sweetie as if he asked for her himself, he is a loving devoted father, and cant wait to see her when he gets home from work, and she thinks the sun rises and sets in daddy.

we have contact with om, but nothing compares with the love my daughter and my husband share, so it is possible to work it out between you, just take a deep breath and calm down, dont make quick decisions...
and as far as your children go, they are young and will love there brother or sister , just as they do each other, children learn hate from parents not babies..

So before you make fast decisions your husband and you need to talk calmly and give him some time to absorb...

Thank you all for the replies. I have been on and off this site all day trying to find reasons to hope.
I think my H will be moving out for awhile. He needs it for him, and maybe I need to be on my own for a while too.
The suggestion of adoption has come up a few times, and while I think adoption is a wonderful gift, its not the right choice for me.
I'm prepared to be a single parent if thats the road this choice will take me down. But I would definitely prefer to have my H by my side. Maybe we'll find our way back to each other.

E.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ONE TON:

"All I can tell you is talk to your H and tell him he is not the only male going threw this and if he still loves and care for you that he need to swallow his pride."</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh that is going to be of great help <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . Tell me, did your WW ever tell you this?

Would you tell your WW to suck it up if you had an OC with an OW and you were hellbent on bringing up that child with the rest of your children at home?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Easy, CoffeeMan, easy! Evidently this is one aspect of a male BS's emotions and should not be discredited.

ONE TON said his wife is carrying an OM's baby and as you say "hellbent" on keeping & raising the baby. So if he wants his marriage to survive this ordeal, I can see how he would have to swallow a lot of pride even tho it hurts him so much to know that 1.his wife cheated, 2.conceived an OC, and 3.wants to keep the baby in their family, and 4.It's a drug baby at that!!!

OMIGOSH! ONE TON has a lot on his plate! I'm sure his emotions extend way beyond that of just a fight to stay humble!

I admire ONE TON's courage and his love for his wife.

Sure, telling a betrayed spouse to suck it up doesn't help, it's something they have to decide to do on their own. But how everyone deals with their pain and their pride is personal and their own quality decision.

Sucking up his pride is how ONE TON is dealing with all this mess! He sounds like a pretty strong man to me!

<small>[ March 27, 2003, 07:18 PM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sucking up his pride is how ONE TON is dealing with all this mess! He sounds like a pretty strong man to me!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BTDT I have no argument with your reasoning, except that I'd be willing to bet good money that ONE TON's wife was never so callous as to suggest that he suck up his pride and deal with the situation. No, it was his love for his W ,and maybe her remorse, that caused his heart to soften and forgive her. Why is pride used to explain a man's feelings? How many women are living in the same household with an OC's from their WH's?

I respect the women like e29 that tell the truth to their H's that they had an A and are now pregnant with OM's child. They are giving their H's the opportunity to decide whether they want to remain married to them or not. But to dismiss a husband's feelings as nothing more than pride, is to dehumanize him just for the simple fact that he is a male.

e29,

I was just wondering how you were doing today? I hope you are well, and if you have any questions, please come here and ask! There are so many here who are willing and want to help in your time of need! I remember how it was when we first found out I was pregnant, and that was before I knew of this board! I can just imagine how much easier(not that it is easy in the least!) it would have made those first months of decision making!

I just wanted to see how you were.

Tigger

Tigger,
I am having a pretty lousy day. I just have all of my mistakes right in front of me and all I keep thinking about is all the chances I had to do something different and didn't.
My H is moving out on Sunday, we went and saw his new place yesterday. He is so sad about moving out but is determined to do it.
My kids know he's going and seem ok with it..of course I don't think they really understand. And I know it will be hard when he's really gone. I just hope I have the strength to support them and be a good mommy to them when I'm feeling so lost.
This has been a good place to go. It's nice to see that some people make it, so it does give me hope.

Thanks for asking about me...

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 07:55 AM: Message edited by: e29 ]</small>

e29,

I am sorry that you H is moving out, but you can still "Plan A" him while he's gone! It's just a little harder to do, and you may have to get creative! I agree with the other's who've recommended looking at the questionares on the board, especially the emotional needs and love busters ones! They are VERY helpful for you both! Also look into plan a ASAP!!!! Read, read, and then read some more! There is so much available on this board, that if used right, your M can and will survive! It sounds as if your H really does want to save the M, especially if he's sad about moving out! The kids are still young, and probably don't fully understand what it means for Daddy to be leaving! Just keep loving them and they will make it as well!

I know exactly how you feel when you mentioned the fact that you had so many chances to change your decisions! I've been there and done that! I can't tell you how many time's I would look in the mirror, and not recognize the person looking back! I will still wonder, occasionally, why! But, as for everything else in these situations, it can and does get better. You are still in the early stages of revelation/discovery/recovery. I takes a little while to get through something this HUGE! Just remember that there are those who've been where you are now, and I'm more than willing to be there and answer what I can in the best way that I can!

Tigger

e29:

I would strongly urge you to call the MarriageBuilder's office (888-639-1639) and set up an emergency phone counseling appointment with Steve or Jenn Harley. They're both excellent coaches, and Steve was an incredible asset for me as I dealt with my wife's affair and pregnancy by the OM.

You've got a very narrow window of opportunity to make this marriage work, IMO. As good as all the material is on this site, there's so much of it that it can be overwhelming. Steve would help you (and your husband, if he's willing) to navigate through the material and focus on the salient aspects, and help you design and execute a plan to recover and make your marriage a better place.

You should be focusing on a "Plan A", as everyone has mentioned, as well as learning to use the Policy of Joint Agreement to start working on these major decisions. If you (and your husband) can learn to use the POJA successfully during this period---it's going to be much easier sailing further down the road.

Please consider giving Steve or Jenn a call. They are terrific counselors and coaches, and they're worth every penny.

e29,,,,, hello and although it is a sad thing to need to come to a place like this it is also a great place to come for advice as so many here have already walked the road your on. of course you must remember that you will get many different forms of advice as you have already noticed. just try and file them and sort out the best ones for you.

i have been in your h's shoes with (in my mind) one major difference. i have never been a ws.

i have always felt it very hypocriticl that one spouse can have an a and when the other has one the first spouse can't seem to deal with it. (NOTE FOR EVERYONE: i am NOT insinuateing in any way that an eye for an eye is the right way to deal with affairs.)

have you asked your h to come here and post. i would be glad to write to him and in fact i could probably ask him a few questions that may help me in some way. if he does not want to post on this site he would be welcome to e-mail me if it would help. i did this with another poster (who doesn't post here anymore) when i first started and it helped me alot.

mo5 and tmcm,,,,,, you are both right about the sorrow surrounding graces birth. but please remember at that time much of the sorrow was because i viewed her birth as the death of our marriage. i had not yet come to the place where i knew for sure i wanted my marriage to remain intact. but i do believe that men who raise oc in their homes although they are not special in any way, are far from the norm in society.

mo5 if e29 were to say she were in favor of adoption would you try and talk her out of it? you don't have to go into explanations on this thread but i was just curious that's all.

e29 i truely hope that your h has an 11th hour change of heart on moving out as although your kids don't seem bothered right now when he is gone the reality will set in rather quickly.

pops

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>...it was his (ONE TON's) love for his W ,and maybe her remorse, that caused his heart to soften and forgive her. Why is pride used to explain a man's feelings? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because pride/selfishness is the opposite of forgiveness. You're right, the WS's forgiveness and love for their BS's brings forgiveness and humility.

To me, pride says, "How could you treat me like this--I don't have to put up with this. I don't deserve this after all I've been to you and all the good I've done for you. I'm outta here!" That kind of stand, to me, is prideful. EVEN THO the wrongs done were totally wrong.

ONE TON can speak for himself, but this is my guess as to what might have been going through his mind and why the words "swallow my pride" may have come up.

And, this is the kind of thinking that has to be set aside if we're going to truly seek God's will and forgive--in any situation--an abusive boss or difficult coworkers, for example...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Originally posted by TMCM
<strong>
How many women are living in the same household with an OC's from their WH's?

I respect the women like e29 that tell the truth to their H's that they had an A and are now pregnant with OM's child. They are giving their H's the opportunity to decide whether they want to remain married to them or not. But to dismiss a husband's feelings as nothing more than pride, is to dehumanize him just for the simple fact that he is a male.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think a prideful attitude could apply to male or female in the context (of my thinking) above. Let's not forget dear angelia, I believe she has custody and is raising TWO of her WS's OC's...

Oh, and I agree with you about honesty and rebuilding. e29, try not to worry too much. You did the right thing by telling the truth and giving your husband the right to know and make his choices based on truth.

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

Again...all your replies have been so welcomed by me. I need all the insight I can get.

Pops... I would love to have the opportunity to have my H email you. My email address is: lawbubbles28@yahoo.com I'm sure he would appreciate talking to someone who has been in our situation.

Last night H and I were talking and the situation he seems most in favor of is being a step-dad to my child while getting CS from the OM. I would be fine with this situation as well. And know H will be a great dad (stepdad) to this baby.

As for the CS aspect.... I would prefer to have NC. But if this matters to H a great deal then I would be willing to compromise. The impression I'm getting from H is that he wants the OM to have some sort of responsibility for the baby.

Lots of things to sort out. And I keep hoping he won't move out.

E.

BTDT,
Angelia is not raising an OC, but I believe the one you are refering to is actually amiee2.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

e29,
I pray that you and your H can come to some agreement on this issue.
I am a BS, so though I don't know what you are going through, I fully sympathize with your plight.

((HUGS))