I have not been on here in a long while. This was the first place I came to when I found out about my H affair. I have been married for 7 years now and together for 12 years total. I found out my H was having an affair that resulted in a child in Nov of 2001 this year will be two years. I have pretty much lost control of the whole situation and regret not following my instincts and putting up with all the *junk* I have dealt with.

When I found out about the affair, I told my husband I would stand by him and we could get through this, he had told the OW that he would leave me and that he loved her , they actually planned this child. When the time came H could not leave and stayed home with me. In the beggining I did not really know the whole story I heard bits and pieces no matter how much I asked for the honest truth and I believed everything he would tell me. There was alot of blaming that went on in the beggining and I just sat back and accepted alot, I now think it is all due to co-dependancy on my part, I feel as if I cannot live without this man.
In the beggining OW called daily came over because she was emotional and needed him in her life, WS would tell me he was only her friend and could not just stop talking to her cold turkey, so I allowed her into my home and allowed her to become a part of my family. It really bothered me to see her growing my H baby as we did not have any of our own, due to fertility problems. I hate the idea of her hugging my nieces and nephews and taking my place which is exactly how I felt, but WS always said "I am here with you and I just want her pregnancy to go well". So time passed from November into April when the baby was born, once the baby was born, I decided that was it, no more family but she still called whenever she needed too, I no longer allowed her at my home but soon found out she was coming over while I was at work. In Sept of 2002 I found out she was pregnant again, I felt like I was slapped in the face, I told my husband I had done everything,stood by him, allowed her to be part of my family and could not understand why, I never put my foot down was one of my many mistakes. My WS begged me not to leave him and told me that she lied to him she told him that she was on the pill and tricked him needless to say they decided to have an abortion. Since this happened OW felt the need to spill her guts about everything, she was coming to my home since NOv on a daily basis and having sex with WS in my bed while I worked and the affair never ended. She told me all this and then asked if I believed her and since he had denied everything I told her no, that I did not believe that he was doing this all along, you can imagine she did laugh at me and tell me to belive my precious husband. She no longer came to my home but he started going to her apt every day during the week and he used the excuse to see his son. Fast forward to today, I am 4.5 months pregnant with our first child, I still feel as I cannot live without this man and it disgusts me to feel this way, he still goes over there everyday regardless of how I feel and insists that if our marriage breaks up it is my fault since I dont trust him!!! TRUST!! how can I. He has told me today that he doesnt want to be in a relationship anymore it is not anything that I have done or can do better, this is about him and for the first time my response was do what makes you happy and although I may be afraid to be without him I cannot imagine going on anymore and much less involving my child in this. I can honestly say that I love the OC he will be 1 next month and he makes me smile whenever I see him as his eyes light up when he sees me.

I am angry because I have not gotten anywhere, I have allowed so much to happen and I blame me, I love my husband still even more so that we have a child on the way and I feel lost. I want to dig deeper and find the strength to get through this and be a happier person and mother for my baby. My marriage is a lost cause and it is my fault to an extent because I was to afraid to stand up to this man.

Sorry so long, I am not sure what to do now.

Jessica

Jessica,

You need a plan. I suggest that if you can possibly afford it, that you start counseling with either Steve or Jenn Harley (phone counseling), by calling the MB office for an appointment (888-639-1639). You've been messing around with this situation far too long without skilled professional help.

And as an amateur hack who has counseled with Steve for well over a year, I'd suggest that you prepare for a Plan B separation. Get a copy of "Surviving an Affair" to find out about this in detail.

I think K's idea is an excellent one.
I am sorry you have been through this. Dont beat your self up on this one, your husband is taking advantage of the fact that you have been so tolerant.
I would think letting him live life with out you for a while, would not hurt one bit, let him see what life is really like. Instead of him thinking its a game.