I am so nervous as I write this, my first post. I am 16 weeks P with what I believe (99% sure) is the OM. By the way, I don't know all the abbreviations, where do I find those, or is it just a matter of picking them up over time? My H knows nothing of the A, although was suspicous of my "midlife meltdown" type of behavior in the past year. Since he knows nothing of the A, he doesn't know that the OC (?) isn't his.

My H has been so supportive and takes unbelievable care of me, and so I feel all the more guilty. My H and C, also all family and friends are very excited for the coming of this OC. I am not excited, because I know the truth. I live with the guilt of not only doing this awful thing to my H, M & C, but also for being a wimp, not revealing the truth. The fact of the matter is I'm scared out of my wits to tell my H.

I know that Marriage Builders believes in and stands for being truthful about A's, but I just don't know how to begin to tell my H. Then of course there is this corner of my mind that tells me, maybe no one will ever know the truth, and hence no one will ever get hurt. I know this is so wrong, but I am so confused right now.

I would never have believed I could consider abortion, (but of course never thought I would consider an A either). When I first found out I was P, I actually thought of an abortion. However, I told my H about the baby, then my C found out, they were all so happy, there was no turning back for me. I guess I rationalized that I could go through the rest of my life keeping the lie of this OC better then I could go through the rest of my life living with having an abortion.

I know what I have done so far is so awful, and I know I somehow have to make it right, and face the consequences. I need help desperately.

I'm sure you're wondering about the OM. A few days after I found out about the P, I said good bye. It was difficult to completely cut it off, and I am ashamed to say, I had some phone contact with him for the month following saying "good bye". After that month, I said good bye for good, and made it very clear to him. I have not seen him since the day I 1st said good bye, and now have not had any phone contact with him as well since the 2nd, and final good bye.

I realize I have rambled. These are the things (and much more) that have been racing through my head for the last 3 months. I have not shared them with anyone, it feels good to express them now, even though my guess is that most if not all of you will think I am a very shallow and deceitful person, and rightfully so.

<small>[ July 03, 2003, 06:27 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Autumnday,

I hate to say to yet another poster welcome, but you are very welcome here! Read as much as you can and post often.

Now for your situation. First and foremost, you owe it to your H to be honest about EVERYTHING! Not just to allow your H to make his own decision about this, but so that you can rebuild on the foundation of truth! As K stated to e29 in one of her threads, you should call the Harley's ASAP! They can help you through the process of revealing what has happened to your H and those in the family you will be telling now. In our case, all of my H's side of the family knows, thanks to his mother telling everyone for us(still a slight sore spot, but getting over it;) ), and only a few on my side know. We will tell all our children, when they are old enough to understand that I have asked for and received forgivness from my H, and we decided together to raise Abbi as our own! I know what you mean about thinking first of having and abortion! I was even looking for a clinic to call, and ended up calling a Crisis Pregnancy office by mistake(only a mistake of mine, not God's!)! Of course, they tried to talk me out of getting an abortion, which they will never know worked! Our Abbi is now 2, and we've never told xOM that I was even pregnant, let alone had the baby! We are VERY happy that we've chosen no contact, and no CS! That way we don't have the interfearance of xOM!

That's just a little of our story and a little advice! I hope that I helped you some!

Now, as for the abreviations. I will try to give you as many as I can, but they will become pretty self explanitory once you've been here a while.

WS/WW/WH= wayward spouse/wife/husband
BS/BW/BH= betrayed " " "
OP/OM/OW= other person/man/woman
D-day= discovery day
OC= other child
CS= child support
NC= no contact

Those are the main ones used here. Also, if you have one specific one you aren't sure about, just ask, and someone will help you out there too.

Hope I helped some,

Tigger

wow dejavu

There are a few here in your position, while you didnt expect to ever be in the position you are in, believe it or not most of those on this sight never ever dreamed we would have an affair much less a child by someone else. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But since you are here, you have some choices you need to make, First do you tell your husband, while it wasnt something I wanted to do, It was something I had to do. You face many consequences down the road if you dont tell him now, including hurting your children, because I believe in time it will be found out, and that may not be for 30 years but some day somewhere it will come to light. So why not start out fresh and share with your husband what has happened.

It will be emotional and scary and you may expect rage, anger, confusion, hate, sadness and about a thousand other emotions.. It isnt easy at first, You have to decide how and when to tell your children, another difficult thing to do, especially when you have been the main stable parent in thier life, the one that would always protect them from such things.. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Something I can never take back from them, I hurt them and while we work really hard on a good relationship with our children it has not been with out damage that we can not take away.

First of all since your husband is excited about baby, I assume he can have children still, Mine could not so he was pretty darn sure it was om's, I took a little more convincing. I didnt want to believe it was om's and in fact did not.
You will more than likely need to take a paternity test to make sure, because you could be wrong, however dont risk amnio for it, wait till baby arrives.
Does om know you are pregnant and what does he want or expect.. while the baby will be considered a child of the marriage in some states om has the right to insist on paternity, in some he has no rights at all. You would do well to check with an attorney.
my advice is read read read, all the concepts on here before you tell your husband and learn all you can. It will help you understand what he may be going through and thinking, if he suspects you had an affair, I assure you the thought has crossed his mind that the child is not his. It would take years and bore every one to death to explain every thing we went through, but for the most part it has worked out. I am still married, my husband helps me raise other child, and while om has a part in her life, it is not as much as my husband has..

Cm might have some valuable advice for you, she has been there with the decision to tell hubby or not, it is a hard one, I wish you luck. But all is not lost. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> feel free to ask any questions, there are a few other who can tell you what it was like for them to tell.

Autumn,

While your decision-making processes over the last several months may not have been great, they're certainly not out of the normal either. So, stop beating yourself up. What you need to do is to make a plan to try to save your marriage.

Complete honesty is highly recommended as a component of this plan. But before you go off confessing, I would strongly urge you to start counseling with Steve or Jenn Harley (Dr. Harley's children) by calling the MB office at 888-639-1639. The phone counseling is very effective, and Steve or Jenn will help you build a plan to put your marriage back on track. They can also help to mitigate some of the shock of discovery for your husband, when you come to that point. In my opinion, this is no time to try to 'do-it-yourself', or to enlist a counselor who may not really have a clue as to how to save marriages. Steve and Jenn are exceptionally talented, and they do a lot of this type of counseling. In my case, I counseled with Steve for nearly a year after the discovery of my wife's affair, and her eventual pregnancy by the OM.

Your marriage can get better, if you start to learn these skills and how to apply them. But I can't see you in a really good place five years from now if you keep this to yourself---I don't think you'd be here posting if you were capable of keeping this magnitude of secret.

Dear Tigger, Mom, and K,

Thank you for your quick replies. They were very helpful, although I cried as I read each one. To answer your questions, Mom Of 5, yes we are assuming my husband can have children, since we never did any kind of permanent birth control.

Two days after I told him I was P, we had an argument over a somewhat unrelated topic, but he got angry and said, "You know, and about this baby, when you told me, my first thought was 'is it even mine?' because we have been so careful over the past years, and nothing ever happened till now. You will have to tell me it is mine!" It was odd, I never replied, and he never brought it up again.

He truly acts as if he has no clue, and is excited beyond belief. I do have to say, that our marriage has been better than ever (although, I know it is based on a lie, so therefore, is the furthest thing from a good marriage)!!! However, I can't recall a time we got along this well, and the children are reveling in it, and the peacefulness of our home.

When my H hears me talk negatively about the baby, he says, "This baby is a blessing, and is the best thing that could've ever happened to us, don't you see how the entire tone and atmosphere of our life and home has changed?" He is the type that gets very angry at first, but tends to get over things quickly, and is much better at forgiveness than I am.

To further answer your questions, yes in some insane moment before I said goodbye to OM, I told him about the P. He is 11 years younger than I, and single. He said he would honor whatever decision I made, including keeping and raising with my H, abortion, and also divorcing, marrying him and raising the baby together. When I said there was no future for the 2 of us, he claimed he would never show up in my life again, nor cause any problems for me or baby ever. Naturally,on top of all my other fears, I have the fear that he will go back on this promise some day. I left him, not making clear what my plans were as to the baby, so he has no idea whether I kept the baby or not.

I'm sure this is sounding worse and worse. I do know, as each of you pointed out, that I have to tell my H. I agree I need to seek counseling first, because I can only imagine the "tip of the iceberg" of the devastation my H is going to go through. I am so fearful of rocking his world, mine and my children, but you are correct, it is most likely that the truth will someday come to light. I also need to face the reality, that I may well end up alone, with this baby.

~autumn

<small>[ July 03, 2003, 06:50 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

dont assume you will end up alone, you dont know that.. You said it your self, your husband brought it up, he knows more than you think, and while my husband knew as well, this baby brought alot of hapiness to our family and husband was very involved with this pregnancy...

I would bet that although he doesnt know for sure, he does have an idea, your fooling your self if you think it is not coming across your mind.
Sounds like the ideal situation if om stays away and you and your husband can raise the baby together with out interference. check your laws first...

Babies do amazing things for a family. Our little one has brought my husband and my self closer than ever, he learned to be a considerate and loving husband and i learned to appreciate him more than I ever have.

What you tell your children will need to be decided by you and your husband and dont do anythign till you both agree what is best.
we did not tell ours untill we knew for sure om would be back in our lives and felt we had no choice, I have teens as well, not an easy thing to do.. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 02:43 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

Oh Autumn,
I do feel for you. Telling my H was so difficult to do, but I can't tell you how much better I've been feeling since I did tell. Yes, it brought up a whole other mess of feelings. But they are honest ones...and I can deal with honesty better than I can deal with lying.
I too told the OM that I was pregnant. Seemed like a good idea at the time. But now he is having delusions of us being a family. And what I really want and think is best is for me to stick with my H.
I wish you well. Take Care, and good luck!

e.

E~
So sweet of you to reply to me while you are going through so much turmoil! How did you ever get up the courage to tell your H? Did the fact that he also had an A in the past make it easier for you to reveal your infidelity, and the OC? Also, you may have stated, and I missed it, but how far along in your P were you when you told your H? I feel for you, that you have the added problem of the OM having a BW.

I thankfully don't have that variable to deal with. It is strange to me that the moment I found I was P, I knew I only wanted to be with my H, and not with the OM, (even though we had professed our "love" to one another constantly in the last few months of our relationship)? I ask you this, because it seems as if a similar thing happened to you. As if a light suddenly came on.

I just keep asking myself, (although I bottom line know honesty is the best) why would I want to rock the boat and bring all this pain upon my husband and yes, myself and possibly on this innocent child also, not to mention our children if we told them?

Again, ty for your response, and I too, hope you are doing well, I will be thinking of you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

~autumn

<small>[ July 03, 2003, 06:36 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Autumnday,

You posted this to e29:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"what if the truth came out somehow someday, wouldn't that be worse?" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There used to be a BH who posted here a while back. His name was "usedlongago" and he didn't know that one of his sons, his youngest, was not his, and that his W had kept her relationship with the OM till he died, and then had gone on to another A!( I think I got that right, and if you are lurking, correct me if I'm wrong ULA) It was devistating for him to find the truth out after both his sons were grown and married! Not to mention the rift it caused between his W and the youngest(the oc)! That's why I had stated in my post, I think to you, but could have been to e29, that our children will know, when they are old enough! Your pastor was wrong to say that it should be kept a secret, regardless if it was retorical(sp) or not! Like you said, if you do that, your life/marriage is then built on lies!

JMHO(just my humble opinion)
Tigger

<small>[ July 03, 2003, 06:38 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Autumn,
I have only recently found out I was pregnant (I'm only 8 weeks), but told my H almost immediately. To be honest.. when I suspected I was pregnant it seemed like a bunch of scenarios went through my head. I could tell my H it was his and no one would be the wiser, I could forge ahead with a new life on my own or with the OM, could get an abortion etc. There was no 'good answer'.... all would bring pain.
So I did what I thought I had to do....admit to the A and tell H about my pregnancy. When I told him he just looked at me like I was kidding... and then I could actually watch it all sink in. Looking into his eyes physically hurt me, because I could see all the pain.
Even though I'm in a rough spot right now I think I made the right decision. Not a easy decision by any stretch of the imagination.

e.

autumnday

I humbly suggest that you read your last post many times over because you have just seen a glimpse of it in real life, with your mom, dad and brother. If your mother knows this, just imagine the burden she has carried all these years and the fear of discovery she has endured. Ask yourself, do I want to repeat history?

There is no escaping the truth and the interest compounded on the pain years hence, will be tremendous and devastating for all parties involved.

TMCM,

What if, and I know it's a BIG if, and probably unrealistic too, the truth never came out? Wouldn't that be worth all the pain and fear of discovery that I would have to endure, because only I would be the one enduring it, and no one else?

I would be a liar if I didn't admit the main reason I don't want to tell the truth is because the wrath and pain that would come down on me, but believe me when I tell you, I do not want to bring pain on my H, and C. I guess I need more convincing that it's a necessary hurt that I have to put on others and myself.

Even as I write this, I'm thinking of how shallow I sound. I am human though, trying to be open with my thoughts, and just trying to sort it all out.

There must be some situations like mine that never came to light. I'm not totally convinced yet that the best thing to do is to reveal the truth, when all the posts I've read talk of so much pain and agony suffered by all the parties involved. I am so confused.

<small>[ July 03, 2003, 06:39 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Autumnday,

Boy, have I been busy today with the posting, but I feel an urge to be there for you and e29, as you are both so new to your situations! I have been where you are, with the questions running crazy through your minds! Even though you are farther along than e29, she has taken that very hard step and told her H about her A and subsequent P.

Now, I wanted to comment on your statement that if H knows, and decides to raise this child as his own, why reveal the truth? I still stand firm that honesty is the best policy! There are so many uncertainties in life, you never know what may cause your "secret" to be revealed! The biggest factor is that your xOM knows of your P! You even stated that you don't know if he's going to all of a sudden show up! Just imagine what that would/could do! Trust me, from someone who's xOM forced the issue! It is SO much better if you tell your H first! And, I also believe it is also better for at least your children to know, when they are old enough to understand! My older children are 12 and 10, so we haven't said anything yet. But, I believe that if my H and I present it together it will be much more "accepted"(for lack of better word)

It's something to consider, and if you get counseling(which I recommend!) especially with the Harley's they can help you through all these "bumps in the road"!

As the questions come, feel free to post! We are all here to help those in need!

Take care!

Tigger

PS In response to your post to TMCM, about keeping the pain from your H and family. Well, like he said, it is actually causing more pain! Eventually, you are going to be overcome with your secrets and they will notice your changes! It needs to be out in the open now, so that healing can happen! Otherwise, how can you heal your M? It would be a M of lies, maybe all one sided, but lies all the same! Just something to think about.

Tigger

Look deep down and ask yourself if the real reason why you don't want to reveal the truth to your H is not because you want to spare him the pain he will certainly experience, but because you are terrified about him deciding to leave you.

But if you don't beleive me, beleive the women here that were in your exact situation and know perfectly well all about your feelings first hand. To ignore their wise counsel is tantamount to you playing Russian roulette with the lives of your H, your children, and the OC as well. But if you want to wait many years from now when the truth is finally discovered, and face the gut wrenching consequences of your lies and deception, all I can say is 'it's your funeral'.

Hi Autumn,

I am semi-retired from the MBers board but I post occasionally when I see a story that touches me. I am sorry for the mess that you are in. I am sorry that you told your husband many times how vulnerable you were feeling and you got a "suck-it-up" attitude.

I haven't counseled with the Harleys--too much money. But we did have a good pro-marriage counselor to guide us through recovery. I have heard that the Harleys don't spend a lot of time focusing on the past. There isn't much you can do to fix the past--OK, nothing, so they put their focus on building a great future marriage.

I post on this board because my H had an affair that resulted in a child, but I am also the child conceived of my mother's affair. I posted the long version here if you are interested in the details. I didn't learn the truth until a few years ago. I nearly died from the grief it caused. However, I believe that if children are raised with the knowledge of their paternity from a very early age, they will come to accept it--not without some pain and struggle, but it is manageable. A secret revealed years later is far less manageable and even worse, it can make the person's whole life look and feel like a lie. I had to refigure all my family relationships. I am very close to both of my parents, but I think that if this had come out after my father's death, I would have been unable to forgive my mother for keeping it a secret. As it was, I was given the time I needed to talk this out with my parents and make my peace with it. Secrets that get revealed after death are by far the most cruel and difficult to heal. Imagine a wife of 50 years finding evidence of an affair after she has buried her husband. Where would she go for answers, where would she put that grief and anger? Her entire life would seem a lie, and in many ways it was. I would have felt the same thing if I had found this out after my parents death. No closure, no chance to talk it out. Please be sure this doesn't happen to your child.

My opinion is that secrets warp the fabric and the power structure of relationships. For reading material I recommend John Bradshaw's book on Family Secrets. It is available at Amazon--here. I believe that at some level, an adopted child or a child living under "false paternity" senses that there is something different or something about him that makes one or both of his parents very nervous. That knowledge can build great stores of shame.

The person holding the secret has power over the one who doesn't know the truth about themselves. In my case, my mother worried about me excessively, made me her favorite and made relationships with my siblings more difficult. I asked her one time if she looked at me and saw her lover. She said she looked at me and saw her most fragile child, the one who could be hurt the worst, the one who needed protection. Was I really that fragile by my very nature or did the secret create that fragility?

Because I now know something of my birth father's medical history, I have some needed medical information. I have always struggled with depression, even when things are going well in life. I now understand that my birth grandmother was hospitalized many times for depression, one birth uncle has bipolar disorder and all of the others are alcoholics. I know to avoid alcohol. I know to be wary of depression and seek early treatment.

All of us deserve the basic human dignity of not running our lives under false pretenses. I learned the truth, I had the chance to make myself known to my birth father and I chose not to. I have all the father I will ever need--the man who loved me and raised me.

Blessings,
MJ

What if you don't create a united front together with your H and the time does come when/if xOM decides he wants involvement, or even custody of this OC?

What if you tell the truth and just let the chips fall where they may and deal with events as they occur instead of trying to figure out everything before it happens?

God only leads us one step at a time. I agree with mo5, your husband has already had a revelation of what the truth is. Your opportunity to confess is not lost. Clear your conscience. Your H has a right to know and then the two of you can prayerfully decide what the next step will be.

Have you read about the Policy of Joint Agreement? That would be a good one to start with. Basically you never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse. If your H won't agree to counseling, perhaps he wouldn't mind if you shared the Basic Concepts with him from this website??

That's the approach I took with my H when we were having difficulty communicating... & it worked (without spending a dime on counseling)!

<small>[ March 31, 2003, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

MJ~
When I was on here last night, I didn't see the last 2 threads added to this post. Just found them this morning. MJ, your story touched me, and, and I didn't even get a chance to read your long version yet. I have already had the exact feelings toward this baby, as your mom described having toward you, your entire life.

BTDT~
Your words, like so many others on here make perfect sense to me, why can't I just do what you're all saying is the right, and best thing to do?

<small>[ July 03, 2003, 06:43 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Autumnday,

How did your appointment go today? I was just wondering how you were and what happened for you today!

Tigger