I have some questions for all the women (strong women I might add!) who have contact with their H's OC.

Do you ever resent the child? (even hate?)

Do you think having the child there is a constant and painful reminder of the A?

If you do have contact do you wish you really didn't?

These questions have been bothering me... because I was trying to put myself in the position of how my OM's spouse will feel. I know she obviously hates me, but will she hate my child too?

e.

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 04:15 PM: Message edited by: e29 ]</small>

I will always resent the child. I know, it isn't the child's fault, but the child's existence will always be a painful reminder of what was taken away from me. Even my H admits, I was supposed to be the only one he was to have kids with. H and OW took that away from me-- without any input from me. I will always resent that. I blame OW more in my case since she didn't like to use condoms, told my H she couldn't get pregnant, and used the rhythm method-and at time of conception, he and her hadn't seen each other for 1-2 months. H had no idea where she was in cycle, but she did. I think he was set up, but he will never admit that.

The child is a very painful reminder to me of the A and the connection OW now has to my H because of the child. It just is. So much so I cannot bear to talk about the child, see the child, or meet the child. I doubt I will ever feel the same.

I know having contact with the child will never be what I choose, and yes, I would resent it. I resent it now and I am not involved with visits. Why? Because my life was changed forever by that child being born, and OW's decision to have the child and keep child "because she wanted a child so desperately."
The child's mother had no regard for me or my kids, why would I regard her child any different?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do you ever resent the child? (even hate?)

Do you think having the child there is a constant and painful reminder of the A?

If you do have contact do you wish you really didn't?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good questions, e29... very good.

1) No, I don't resent Lil Bit. And no, I have never hated her. She is an innocent in all this mess and the A had nothing to do with her. It only RESULTED in her.
I resent the fact that there ever was an A. Not that Lil Bit is now in the world.
Though I wish the A had never taken place, it did... and now there is a beautiful little girl that I love as much as any parent could love a child. Biological or not.

2) No, not a constant reminder. The reminders come for me on Sunday, the day that we usually have to let her go back to the exOW, and at times when she has a look on her face that mirrors the exOW.
At times, it has been painful... but there is much more reward, in knowing that this little girl loves me as much as she does, than there is pain.
I honestly never expected to have these deep loving feelings for her. And I thank God every day that we are able to spend as much time as we do with her.

3)In extremely weak moments, yes.. I have I wished we had never had contact.
Mostly, my problems with dealing with an OC stemmed from my inability to have a child of my own. I felt robbed of the duty of wife, in that my H had a child with someone other than me. It was a crushing blow to me.
It really took some major soul-searching, along with learning about exOW's volatile history in regards to her other child and his well-being.
But I found there was no way I could turn my back on this little person that had been brought into this world.

So here we are today. Watching Lil Bit grow every day... learning new things... trying to be so big. I am amazed at her on a daily basis.

And now, with the coming of our first child together, I am learning more and more of what it feels like to have a little life growing inside you.
It amazes me all the time. More because I can't understand why the exOW, in our case , has always felt the need to use a child, Lil Bit and her other child, as pawns in horrible mind games.
It just disgusts me.

I hope in some way, my answers help you.

Hugs and Prayers for you, e29.

do i resent grace? ------ NO, how could you resent or hate any child. i have voluteered as a little league and soccer coach for 21 years because i always felt i could give kids something. some form of values to take with them thru life.

is she a constant reminder? ------ sort of. i don't look at her and see om as i did in the beginning but i do understand the truth of her conception. for me what happens is that i have always been in such awe at how fast baby's develope and learn things. whne they first roll over, crawl, squeek and point for what they want wishing they could speak (then once they start you they talk your ear off).

contact? ------ we are just getting into that part. this past week he was ordered to pay a large cs payment each month so today in fact will be the first time he sees grace in a way that he will be able to interact with her (hold her and play with her).he told fh that he was hoping that we all can put our differences aside so that grace doesn't end up the loser. i wish that he would just pay his cs and stay away but i also knew that by paying he had the right to visitation. so tme will tell on this one.

have a great day, by the way it is sunny and breezy here today with temp about low - mid 70's <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> hope all around the country are staying warm, pops

sorry double double post

<small>[ March 29, 2003, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: pops ]</small>

pops
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> my prayers are with you.. dont fret too much it will be ok. I pray he means what he says and grace is the true winner..

I hope I don't sound bitter but is the child really innocennt? If those two people didn't have an affiar, to begin with and then ignorant not to use protection, to me that's not innocennt!! Do I resent possible OC yes I do! it's not my fault it was born.And the thought of it being in myl life , no way. The two people who concieved it should have thought of all that came with it.My life was disruped enough by the affair and if my husbands want even a chance to restore I don't need a reminder in my face of what was so great to him and devasting to me and my kids!! It a bigger embrassment then the affair it self.The thought of accepting the OC in my life and what it would do to me, I'd rather lose my husband and not have anything to do with either! and that I can live with. And no I don't feel sorry for the baby don't get me wrong I do not wish any bad or harm to it ,but I don't want it in mylife either!

Jill
Ps I hope some one can understand what I mean.Plus if i'm trying on rebuilding my marriage why would I want what caused part of the problem in my face. It's (Baby) is a disgrace to my marriage, like the affair wasn't bad enough.

jill
The child is as innocent as you are or perhaps more, That baby did not try and ruin your marriage, the baby did nothing to you, That makes it innocent.. and while it makes you feel better to refer to the child as it . It is a living breathing human being and deserves to have a good life with lots of love in it, reguardless of what act his parents committed.

The plus side, when you feel as you do and have no contact, it is better for you and certainly better for a child who does not deserve to be around hate, after all the child did not make any of these choices.

So what would the oc do to you ? absolutely nothing, but he/she might love you, children have a way of loving unconditionally untill they are shown different. He/she might be your friend and learn from you.
what would you have to be embarrassed about, you did nothing, and if you treated that child with love and respect, why would any one have anything but respect for you. I dont know how old your children are, but if they are young they will love automatically untill we as adults teach them different.
I understand your hurt, but you have nothing to be ashamed of.. wasnt your doing, wasnt that babies doing, seems you are both innocent.

Are children born to crack addicted mother's at fault for being born addicted? Are children born to poor parent's at fault for being poor? How about children born with a handicap? Is that their fault? What if their mother was over the age of 35 and at high risk for having a handicapped child? What then?

How can anyone blame a child for what happened before they were even born? The truth is more about us, each of us, as individuals. Who we are and how we process the facts of our lives.

We can blame someone for just about anything that happens to us. I most certainly own my responsibility for making the decision to begin a new relationship before ending my marriage. That fact has absolutely nothing at all to do with my child. There is no correlation there. However how one choses to deal with the fact that they were betrayed or did betray, and the result was not just an OP in the WW's life, but also this connection the two created, the child, is really what defines for us all how we recover.
How do any of really heal, grow, and move on when we hate and resent anyone, let alone a child who doesn't have the capacity to hurt us in any real way?

cm

CMiranda-
this may sound harsh BUT
do YOU want to pay for or adopt a crack baby? would you have a baby and KNOWINGLY giving it a handicap?

No these children are blameless and innocent but it is the Mothers who made the choice to smoke crack, get drunk etc and it was THEIR choice to have an unplanned baby that would have to pay the price for HER mistake just like if she took drugs or anything while pregnant too. And unfortunately for children it is to grow up with out a bio-father. She didn't care what she was doing with her body when she decided to get pregnant with a MM baby, why should we care what she does with her body or her baby after the fact? I wish for ALL the OC (including my own) a happy, healthy life but just not in MY life!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by thisisnotmylife:
<strong>CMiranda-
this may sound harsh BUT
do YOU want to pay for or adopt a crack baby? would you have a baby and KNOWINGLY giving it a handicap?

No these children are blameless and innocent but it is the Mothers who made the choice to smoke crack, get drunk etc and it was THEIR choice to have an unplanned baby that would have to pay the price for HER mistake just like if she took drugs or anything while pregnant too. And unfortunately for children it is to grow up with out a bio-father. She didn't care what she was doing with her body when she decided to get pregnant with a MM baby, why should we care what she does with her body or her baby after the fact? I wish for ALL the OC (including my own) a happy, healthy life but just not in MY life!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, would I adopt a baby with special needs? Yes, I would. I've often considered it. Would I have a child that may be born with a handicap? Well, since I am prolife, yes. I would.

My point doesn't seem to be understood but you made it clearer for everyone reading this. It is about us, mothers, fathers, and adult human beings, not children. Although I would comment that blaming only half of the affair partnership for a baby is only half right imho.

CM

It's not the child's fault. My H had A 2 1/2 yrs ago. We now have joint custody of OC, so we see OW at least twice a week,OW won't speak to me, let alone look at me.OW uses OC to make my H, feel guilty for not divorcing me and go to her and the child.H and I work together to make sure the child has a good loving life with us. I care deeply for the child, cuz she is part of my H, and I truly love him with all my heart.But I do sometime get angry, cuz i remember how the child came to be. This is H's first and only child,I have three from previous marriage, and H knew i couldn't have aany more childern, which was ok with him,and we were and still are very happy. OW said i wasn't even woman enough to give H a child. But the oppitsite is true, I'm more of a women than her, cuz I have both the child and my H in my life, she doesn't. See things do get better. So hang in there.

I truly don't want to start an argruement. I feel for parents of special needs children and yes I would love ANY child of my own or of my friends and family weather they are special needs or not. I think in some way parents, especially special needs children's parent LEARN a lot about life and themselves when they have a child. You say your profile is high risk but I ask if you KNEW 100% that you would willing be giving your child a handicap would you still have a baby? I think having a child that you KNEW in advance would NOT have a father or have a serious handicap would be selfish on the woman's part. So a baby at ANY price is better than no baby at all? Lets face it some women have babies in HOPE that it will change or trap the MAN and that just doesn't work out most of the time. Just for the record:
I DON'T blame the A on anyone, including OWs, except my UH. I blame him 110% for the A and the OW 100% for getting pregnant when she knew he didn't want a child with her. I don't remember who said it in another post but its the WOMEN who give birth to the children and are MORE accountable than MEN, double standard but true. So it the WOMAN'S responsibity to protect herself and her children's future! My UH should have thought about diseases and pregnancy too but I take responsiblity for MY OWN reproductive system, so should other women. I love babies and children who are truly innocent but the sad truth is there is a price to pay for the stupidity and selfishness of the adults involved. I hope my OW provides my OC with a full loving future as best she can with out my UH and family. It was HER choice to give this future to that child, my UH gave up his choice at conception, believing her when she said she could not GET pregnant, YEAH RIGHT. SOME MEN ARE SOOOOO STUPID! INCLUDING MY OWN! ;-)

How bout we get back to the original questions asked on this thread, huh? Just a suggestion.

Tigger

I agree.
Sorry.
I hardly ever get responses to my questions and now I know why, Thread hijackers.
he he
I should just stop coming here but.........