</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mom of five:

Right or wrong most women have an instinct to protect their young at all cost, and if we lose a man in the process so be it... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is very true and very few here would blast a woman who would sacrifice her marriage for her OC. But on the other hand, a man who would sacrifice his M for his OC, would be universally vilified to the ends of the Earth. Don't you think this is a double standard?

I dont know, I know for a fact my husband would not give a child of his up, I would in fact lose my marriage as well if I could not handle it.

I think some of the bs's might feel he should have no feelings for this child since it was not the child of his wifes. They feel if he has any thing to do with this child he is somehow disrespecting them or loving them less, but I must say I never look at my daughter and think loving thoughts of om.. It just doesnt happen.
when I see her, I see her as mine and my husbands child.She is beautiful and such a pleasure to have in our lives.. I do look at her sometimes and curse my self for letting om in her life. But I also respect his right to be there if he so chooses and will always be supportive of it.
we do have double standards to a point, it all goes back to the woman is carrying the child and that man is not, so we tend to discredit the mans feelings about the said child.
It isnt fair but it is what we have done.

and I believe there will be a few marriages ending because the wife is not able to handle the oc, and mm is not able to give up oc.. It happens all the time.

now if you meant that the other way around a man sacrificing his oc for his marriage, [which is more common place and accepted here. I believe the same thing I stated on the other thread, if a woman makes her husband choose her over his child and the man is not really agreeable but does so any way for fear of other losses, in time, this marriage will fail, because after all he will in time resent his wife and become bitter that he abandoned a child. Then comes the sneaking around and lies and all the rest..

Then there are those who are ok with it all and dont really care one way or the other.. I dont have a clue <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Not sure any of the double standards can be changed.. but would be nice if we could. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Better yet, would be wonderfull if none of us felt a need to be here. I wish I had never ever had a reason to come here, my self and that I never made the choices that I made, reguardless of what my husband did or didnt do.. But then again I wouldnt have my daughter.. hmmm what a choice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I was thinking about that when I saw your post earlier.
And I don't see anything wrong with a man willing to sacrifice his M for an OC. It's a child! they're the innocent ones.
Of course if either parent was using the child as a means to hold onto the OP then there's a problem...
but I don't see the double standard.

e.

TMCM...........

I feel exactly about this topic as you do. I find the double standard very disturbing.

Catnip =^^=

The goal of MB is to save the marriage, so to tell someone go ahead and lose their spouse, that's wrong advice--from a marriage building standpoint.

If our goal is to encourage each other to save our marriages, then couples have to work out enthusiastic agreement as to how they will deal with their OCs and save their marriages.

Harley recommends that WS's have nothing to do with the OP's, let the BS be the go-between instead of the sacrificial lambs.

<small>[ March 31, 2003, 12:28 PM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The goal of MB is to save the marriage, so to tell someone go ahead and lose their spouse, that's wrong advice--from a marriage building standpoint.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your right froma marriage builder view saving marriages is what ever one is trying to do. But again, doing something like giving up your child just to appease your husband is not something most mothers in this world are able to do ? Sacrificing a child whom you do not want to sacrifice isnt going to save your marriage, but hurt it instead.

and when it is your wife carrying the other child, things are somewhat different than if your husband fathers a child with the ow.. because as a woman the child in question is not growing in side you. So no contact is a different situation all together.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So from a marriage builder point of view do nothing till you can decide what how to go about it together as a team.. That means do not give child up if it will hurt you or you do not agree, do not abort unless you both agree.

It isnt a realistic request , my advice is not go ahead and lose your spouse, My advice is wait and make calm rational decisions you wont regret later. My advice is a man and woman who love each other and have such a major decision as this need time to absorb and discover all the options they have together as a husband and wife.