Hi all,
As I mentioned previously, H moved out this weekend. All his stuff is in the new place and he would have been there last night but the heat wasn't turned on yet.... so we had him for another night.

I am going to miss him so very much. He's only moving about 2 miles away, but of course its not the same.

I had trouble sleeping last night because I kept going through everything in my head. ALL my mistakes. Why I got involved with the OM in the first place etc. And I realized that not only am I sad about losing H, but am also mad that the OM's life doesn't seem affected at all. I know thats childish of me. After all I professed to care for the OM so I should be happy that things are going well. But we both made the mistake and I feel like I'm the only paying for it (me and my family of course).

I asked H if he would come home if I got an abortion and he answered simply 'yes'. I don't know why I asked when I don't feel like I could do it. But I guess I needed to know how much of this separation is the baby or the A.

I am being a big baby today so bear with me. But I'm at a point in my life where I should be happy. I graduate with a law degree in 5 weeks, and its something I worked so hard for and now it just seems silly. What's ironic is that three years ago when I graduated from undergrad was when H had his A so I skipped that graduation too. Maybe I just wasn't meant to celebrate.

Feeling sorry for myself and wishing I wasn't,
e.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Me 28 (ws and bs)
H 32 (bs and ws)
d-day (mine) April 20 2000 (my 26th birthday)
d-day (his) March 7, 2003

Our Kids:
2 sons 5 and 3
due with OM's child: October 31, 2003

hang in there, this will be the hardest, but not something immpossible, It just takes some time, He needs time to think and decide what he wants, He knows he had an affair before, he will think about this and the fact that you forgave him..
Just give it time. and you should celebrate and ask him to join you. You have accomplished alot, dont dismiss it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

e29,

I am sorry that he did actually move out. I was wondering if you have read up on some of the MB policies on this site? The one I am thinking about is Plan A. Also, I believe that you'd said that you have been going to a counselor since you found out you were P, right? What has your counselor said about these new developments?

I know this is VERY hard! I can only imagine what you are going through! Yes, you need to give your H time to think, but don't leave him hanging in the void! Try to discuss with him ALL possibilities for being able to rebuild this M!

Here are my thoughts. Now, please keep in mind that I have been through A LOT, and am speaking from experience! If your H is unable to accept this child, and raise it with you, you have a few choices, as I see it. You already mentioned abortion, and how that makes you feel. Also how your H would react to that. Another option is, of course, adoption! I mention this, and know you can work through these emotions much easier than and abortion! Why, because at least you are giving the child the chance to live, especially since this child is the only COMPLETE innocent in this whole mess! I also know you can get past the emotions of an adoption because I have been there too! Our first D is now 15 yrs old, and even though we've had no contact, I know in my heart that she is with a very wonderful family! We do hope and pray that she chooses to find us after she turns 18, but that choice is completly up to her! It was a very hard thing to do, but I know that she is in a much better place than we could have provided for her at that time! The last is to keep the child, and just pray that in time your H will come back to help rebuild your M.

Now, I have a question. Did you and your H ever resolve the issues around your H's A? I know that my H and I had never done that before, and that's how we landed where we are today, although we are in recovery, if we had dealt with our earlier issues, we wouldn't have gone this far to have both our eyes "opened". You need to work on regrowing your H's love for you, while repairing the damage you have both done to this M! Especailly if there are things hanging around about that time that has never been dealt with!

I'm sorry if I keep/kept repeating myself, I was just typing as it came to mind!

On a final note, please celebrate your hard work! You deserve it, no matter what you think! You have worked hard in school(s) to get where you are, and that is something you should celebrate!

Hope I helped in some way!

Hugs and prayers,
Tigger

You know Tigger, I know we never dealt with much about H's affair. I found out when my youngest was 4 months old and the minute I realized he was cheating all I had was the horrible fear that I was going to have to be a single mother. I felt batrayed, unattractive, and just less than nothing when I found out too.... but the fear was the big one.
Anyway... after a marathon talk (less than 24 hours after he was found out) he agreed to stay with me and never see her again on the condition that we not talk about it ever again. He said he didn't want it thrown up in his face for the rest of his life. He said "accept me as I am and forgive me, or we'll split up". Again fear...I agreed.
What I'm realizing now is that I was never mad at him to his face, we just acted like nothing had happened. I mean I was depressed and he knew it but we didn't talk about it. I wanted to know more and so guessed his email account password and read their emails to each other. I was in shock at how much they shared with each other and how romantic my H could be...especially since he had never been that way to me. Some of the emails were graphic so I knew about all the good sex they had etc. Wish I wouldnt' have snooped...wish I didn't know all the details.
I guess what I was left with was a feeling of being ugly and worthless. And that went on for a long time. Then I met my OM and he thought I was this beautiful caring person. He brought out the best in me in so many ways. Except for the inevitable lying that accompanies an A. Looking back, I think he just had the gift of the gab and could say what I wanted to hear. My self esteem was so low that I made it easy for him.

So much hurt today. I am trying Plan A. I guess I just have to see what happens.

e.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I found out when my youngest was 4 months old and the minute I realized he was cheating all I had was the horrible fear that I was going to have to be a single mother. I felt batrayed, unattractive, and just less than nothing when I found out too.... but the fear was the big one. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know EXACTLY what you are talking about! My first D-day, I was 3 mos from delivering our 10yr. old! It is a most awful feeling, and if left alone, just festers till it is very unbearable! I also understand the self esteem issues, and xOM being a smooth talker! They make you feel like the only woman around, and weave their web around you!(I'm not excusing our behaviour, just agreeing on how it can feel!)

Please continue to post here about what you are going through! I, for one, will be around to help however and whenever I can! This is a very hard situation you are in, and it is VERY difficult to make a decision on anything at this point! Your emotions are running VERY wild and it is hard enough to make calm decisions when pregnant, let alone while going through a situation like this!

You need to garner support around you to help you through what ever happens! Again, I am not trying to excuse anything any WS has done, but you need support as well! You need your emotional strength as well as your physical strength to deal with the next few months!

I want to offer to you my email address, but only if you want it. I am a stay at home mom, and have pleanty of time to offer other's in need. Let me know, and I can post it here for you.

Again, hugs and prayers,

Tigger

Even though he is hurt, deep down he probably knows that his A and post-A behavior probably contributed to the environment that made your A possible. If he has a conscience, he knows that he can not throw your A in your face, without bringing forth his A. Hopefully, his being alone will bring much needed (and maybe long neglected) self reflection about his contribution in all of this.

Don't do anything that you are totally against (i.e. aborting the baby). It is something that will have far reaching consequences which may come back to haunt you. Even if you were ok with aborting the baby and went thru with it, it doesn't guarantee that your H will want to come back and committ to an MB marital plan of recovery.

You are not alone, you have the wonderful support and wise counsel of ladies like tigger and mom of five (to name a few) that were in your shoes, and men like pops and K that were in your H's shoes.

e29,,,, you have been recieving some excellent advice so far and i sure hope it is helping you. i sent an e-mail with my address on it for your husband if he wishes to talk to someone who has been in his shoes but haven't seen any replys. he is probably like most of us men and is struggling with his pride in this matter. if he has any questions or would like to talk to me let me know and he is more then welcome to e-mail me if he doesn't want to come here.

good luck,,,,, pops

Dear E,

I am in no position to offer practical advice on your situation, but your morning post didn't seem to necessarily seek advice, just that you needed to get some more things off your mind. I do want to say Bless your heart, I agonize for and with you. I don't know how religious you are, but with Easter coming soon, it is such a great opportunity to once again be reassured of God's unbelievable love for each of us. Just remember, that the day he gave up His (sinless) Son on that cross, that Jesus died for our sins, all of us, no exclusions, and we had not even had the chance to ask for the forgiveness yet...we weren't born yet!! If you think on that, also remember, that if you were the only person in the world, He would have paid that ultimate sacrifice just for you! I believe that's how personal His love and forgiveness for each of us is!! If you are worthy of HIS forgiveness, you most definitely are worth your husband's forgiveness, and in time, I think he will see that. Just hang on. Ok, enough preaching...gotta go p/u my daughter.

Take good care of yourself,
~aut
ps. GO TO YOUR GRADUATION!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wow Autumnday!

What a wonderfully inspirational post for ALL on this board! Especially the newest members to our sad little club! You even picked my spirits up, and they weren't dragging!

Thank you for this wonderful post!

Tigger

lol...Tigger~
Glad if my post brought some sunshine, Easter has always meant a lot to me, even more so than Christmas, so it has been on my mind as it is soon approaching. I was thinking as I typed though, that I would do well to remember that stuff for myself.

E~
How ironic (a bummer, and stinky too)...just noticed that your b-day, and d-day are the same day, April 20, and that this year your b-day is Easter Sunday. I hope you will enjoy the day as much as possible, will be thinking of you.

~aut

Thanks Autumn for giving me a very welcome reminder! It helps to read it, and I'll reread it several more times today!

I don't think D-day will be as hard for me this year, because I now have the firsthand knowlege of how/why an affair happens. I'll just try to stay positive!

e.

e,

when i first told my h about the A and resulting P, his first response was "you've taken away my first-born child" and "i'll NEVER love this baby!". knowledge of the A (om was a good friend) was obviously the most pain i'd ever put him through, but the fact that there was also the added element of a baby to deal with made everything so much harder. i honestly didn't think we had a chance cause there was no way i was gonna give up this baby, and how could i stay with him (h) if he claimed he'd never love it?

well we're now about 6 mths past dday - a very long and painful 6 mths! - and i can honestly say that i've seen such a huge change in my h and his feelings towards both the P and the baby. we still have rough spots and i know that some days are much worse for him than others, but on a whole, he's come a long way.

from not wanting anything to do with it to buying clothes and talking about teaching him (it's a boy) how to play soccer, etc... i'd say that's progress! but it's really only been in the last month or so that i've noticed a big difference.

all that to say, give your h time. he may surprise both you and himself, but it won't likely happen overnight.

it's great that you have people to talk to like tigger, who's been through this before, but if you feel like talking to someone who's just a bit further along than you, give me a shout.

amy