I had contact with the x-OM on Monday and we talked for around an hour. I was trying to gauge how he was reacting to the pregnancy (he was hesitant to say anything because he wasn't supposed to be talking to me at all). Anyway, what bothered me is that he said that he and his wife (and Pastor) are praying for me to have a miscarriage. (!!!!!) His reasoning: its natural and it would be easier for everyone.

I am still so bothered by this comment because I know its true, and the thought that there are people out there wishing my baby harm is just sick and makes me feel even that much more protective.

So for all of you that pray.... just pray that my baby is ok, and I guess pray that all the people who are praying for my baby to die see what they're doing is wrong.

e.

e29,

I agree that it is completely wrong to pray for you to have a miscarriage, but it is also a perfectly normal response to this kind of situation! I think that you should see if xOM will sign away his parental rights! Giving you the chance to raise this child w/out xOM involved, and if you do decide that you can adopt this child out, you won't have to worry about xOM in that aspect either! Honestly, in the beginning, I would pray the same for myself! Believe it or not! But, it's all in the Lord's hands and I pray that the Lord's will be done in your situation!

I strongly feel that you should have absolutely no more contact w/xOM from this point on! He has decided to try to repair his M, and you want to repair your own, and further contact will not help on either side. Concentrate on your H and working with him as to what can be done to repair the damage done. In fact, if your H does decide that he can raise this child as his own, and you wish the xOM to sign his parental rights away, have your H be the point of contact! I know it's not an easy thing to do, but it would be the best for your own M, and something to show your H how much you do want your M to work! I would also check out the paternity laws in your state! Some(or even most) will consider this child one of the M, unless your H contest paternity, and you may not have to do anything. But, there are a few where the xOM could try to claim paternity, and sue for visitation and such. Just be sure that whatever you both decide, it is decided together!

I second your prayer for the xOM/W/pastor!

Tigger

As a betrayed spouse, I find it abhorrant that OM his wife and Pastor would pray for a miscarriage.
Don't give in to fear on that end. What they should be praying for is God's will out of this matter once-for-all.

I'm surprised that a Pastor wouldn't see that actions have consequences and that the MM is "paying for playing". Actions have consequences....plain and simple. Good or bad.

Fact is this child exists and nothing can be done to "make it go away". Don't give into fear over what they are praying. They want you to get upset over that in a way to "psychologically induce a m/c".

I didn't find out about my H's OC until she was 18 months old. He made up his mind on No Contact long before I found out. I had two miscarriages during that time in which the ex-ow laughed about. That is painful. I don't ever wish a miscarriage on my own worst enemy.

You take care of yourself and I agree with what Tigger wrote. Depending on how you want the level of involvement with OM to go, I think that asking for MM to sign away his rights would be a great thing. You would have total control over your child and situation.

Pray yourself and ask God to give you wisdom on what HE (God) wants you to do. He gives different answers and solutions to everybody. There never is a one-size-fits all thing.

Keep us posted,
Twiisty

e29,

Your husband just separated from you, probably in regards to a loss of trust. Now, do you think that contact with the OM will help build trust???

No contact. EVER.

I'm actually thrilled that he's praying for this baby to die. It will dump a bucket of cold water on the fantasy of the affair---and guarantee that he will be no further threat to your marriage. But you've got to start following the rules for recovery.

Have you made an appointment for counseling with the Harley's yet?

e29,
As a pastor's daughter <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I am shocked that any pastor would encourage such a thing.

And as a woman that has had multiple miscarriages, I could never have wished, let alone prayed, that anyone (including exOW) should ever go through that pain.

I also agree that it would be in the best interest of everyone involved for the MM to give up his parental rights if he feels this way now. Definitely check into your state's laws to be sure of what your rights are and also what his may be.

Dear e29, The Lord is in control of this situation, as long as you allow Him to be. Give Him all your worries and let Him handle them.

My thoughts and prayers are with you today...

I am sorry your hurting, I know what a jolt it can be to hear something so tasteless come out of the mouth of someone You have give up so much for.. I wouldnt believe what he has to say, I am sure his wife is angry and has said hurtful things, how ever, I doubt a pastor would pray such a thing, However do you believe god would answer such a prayer in the way they want ? I doubt it, it is a selfish prayer and not out of love but hate.. sad very sad..
However it is a dose of reality, we all get many by the way and some are pretty awakening..
people lie especially when they get caught, I found out yesterday mm has told his wife all communication now goes through my husband, and he arranged him self with my husband for all communication to go through me when my husband is out of town.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> what a dope doesnt he think she will figure it out ? She isnt a stupid woman, how ever I am having doubts as to his sanity.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> He says she is so happy and staying the heck out of his business. So he is happy.
your baby will be just fine, God isnt punishing you for this through your child, God loves children, he hates our choices but not us..

Your husband is giving you a wide margin here to prove your faithful and you can be sure if you invite om in to your life he will find out. as scared as you are, and even if you think the baby is om's, You could ruin what you want most and that is keeping your marriage.. OM is not going to be there for you and why would you want him there, after saying such a hurtful thing.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Dont do it to your self. It will pass, work on you get, counceling, and show your husband how much you love and miss him..
Stop beating your self up, Your having a baby and you may be suprised as to how much love and pleasure she brings to your life and as hard as this is for some to believe, to your marriage.

Oh goodness,
I think I should I make something clear. H had communicated with x-om via email, and I had told H that I was going to contact him as well. After my and x-om's conversation I told H all about it, so the talk was not meant to be secretive or distrustful.

Yes, I've looked into the laws of my state, and I'm in an assumed paternity state where the person I was married to 300 days before the baby was born is considered the father automatically. Now one of my H's wants is that if we do rebuild our marriage that he would like the x-om to pay child support. While my initial reaction was to choose no contact, I do understand H's feelings, X-om has indicated that he will take financial responsibility for the child but he doesn't want his other kids to know, so therefore no contact on their end. That works out fine for me. of course the whole issue becomes moot when he's convinced I'm going to miscarry.

e.

e29,

Sorry that we all "jumped down your throat" about the contact! I hope that we didn't come across as attacking! My personal feelings when I posted about NC was with the understanding that your H didn't know, but not necessarily that you were being secretive about it either! I still say you should have NC between you and xOM, that it should be between H and xOM or even an attorney and xOM!

I feel that the latest developement(H's response in regards to xOM paying CS) is actually a positive one in regards to your M being able to be rebuilt! I say that from this point on, continue your working together w/your H on EVERYTHING! Keep it up!

Tigger

e29,,,,, the news about your h wishing om pay cs is reasonable especially in light of the fact that om will take on financial responsibility and seems willoing to have nc. this is what i had hoped fh's om would have done. as of now he calls her cell 2-3 times a week and they set up a meeting place like mcdonalds for an hour or so to allow grace time to get used to him.

if your om has no real interest in contact then i would recommend as others have said nc for you and the baby after he/she is born. also allow your h to have as much participation in any negotiations with om as he is interested in taking. this is where fh has dropped the ball in our situation. she has and continues to handle all interaction with om on her own. she will however invite me to go along for graces weekend visits. i am still mad that she insists on handleing phone calls from him in spite of the fact that i have more then let it be known that i wanted to handle this. i simply feel that om is so much more comfortable with her that it allows him seek more time with grace and fh.

pops, you are very lienient(sp?).

I think one of the reasons my H has NC with OC's, is because H does not want contact with OW. Maybe he does not trust himself, but then, neither do I.

I agrree with you. Your W should have NO contact with OM in any way, shape, or form. Only you, or appointed person should have contact.

I did not know that situation was so precarious.

Wishing you wisdom and grace.

ember

ember
my guess is fh feels that if they are going to allow om to be a parent to grace then it should be amicable between the two parties, what a sad life if the childs two parents can not speak about the welfare of the child.
I am sure she is not doing this to spite pops, but because her biggest fear now is that grace is happy and comfortable and feels safe when she is away from mommy and daddy.

Pops I hope you go on those visits, It shows a united front, something I didnt have in the beggining. It would have meant so much to me if my husband showed om that we were indeed a team, but om knew better and sensed it as soon as I had to come alone to every thing...
its different now, but those firsat few months were hard.

mo5,,,, i have to disagree here. fh is taking control of conversations with om because she doesn't want any trouble. we agree on that. but why? she knows that i will cause No trouble with him. she knows that i have the inner strength to handle this without being direspectful.just bussiness. she feels that it would look strange since she told him we were separated. she has also told him that we are still trying to work things out in our marriage. she also Knows that om would be reluctant to make contact with me if he had to do so in order to see grace. therefor what I see her doing is making it easier for other man, Not grace. grace is a 1 yr old. she trusts me and feels secure around me. if i were there for visits instead of fh it would give her the sense of security that she needs. she would not know the difference whether it was i or fh who took her to see om.

the whole trouble with her handleing this is the same as when her a started. she kept saying that she could control herself and it was just a friendship. well she couldn't and it wasn't. now she wants to do what She thinks is best whether i agree or not. No poja!!

interesting little side note here. people have asked me if fh is remorseful. i always answer yes. but the other day when i asked her if she thought she should appoligize to om wife and that om should appoligize to me her answer was no she didn't owe they didn't owe anyone anything. so now you tell me where the remorse is for the bs's whose lives have been turned upside down by all this. do you know that fh has never said she was sorry to me for her actions? her words are simply that she wishes she made different choices like walk away when he approached her in the beginning because she had herd the stories about him thru others at work.

e29,,,, sorry i didn't mean to hyjack your thread. i was just trying to point out that in your case where om is willing to be financially responsible and also go with a nc for him with you or oc, then you have been given a "get out of jail free" card so to speak from Above for you and h to rebuild on. you will have your baby, your h, no om around, and your h will have nis cs. also to what ever extent your h wants to be involved with om, short of violence or verbal abuse, LET HIM. anything else will most likely give your h negative feelings about your intentions.

hope the sailing gets smotther for you soon, poops

this is not pops but fullhouse, i forgot to log in on my name. i just wanted to state that pops said there could never be a poja--his decision, and he did not ask me if om should apologise, and i have said i am sorry many times, i feel he is playing on yousympothies, sorry about all the mis-spelled words, and not telling whole truths about our situations. i have to go to work will write later
fullhouse

fh
you only have control over you , not om and whether he should apologise to pops. That is om's decision, and what you do say or dont to om's wife is your decision no one else.
I remember telling om's wife I WAS SORRY, after about a year and half, and her husband told my husband he was sorry two and half years later, sorta of.. I dont think it made much difference to any one at this time, who kows maybe it helped.
fh
pops, made it clear when he said he wanted to go to court that he ws pushing you to do that, that it wasnt something you wanted to do, but somethig you compromised on.
I would love to hear how grace did and talk with you about some of these issues, as we dont hear from you much, if not on the board let me know and I will send my email to moderator. IF YOU DONT MIND..

e~
I may have lost something in the translation, so to speak. You're saying the om thus far is agreeing to pay cs, but wants nc.? That sounds too good to be true, especially since he's praying for a miscarriage, (what a creep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ...sorry) but I hope he sticks to his promise and that it all works out! I agree with the others on how that would help matters w/your h. I'm afraid if my x-om went back on his promise, and came back to "haunt" me, it would be for one reason and one reason only, and that would be for contact with baby, (and probably for cs from me). Then and only then would I seek cs, BUT I would much prefer nc, even though it means no cs. I fear him showing up in our life a little because he has no secrets/shame to hide from a wife and children, (for now anyway), since he's single. He only has a mommy and daddy who would probably freak that he got a married woman 11 yrs. his senior, p. He is an only child of divorced parents, and cares far more than he cares to admit about what they think of his choices.

Regarding your x-om, om's w, and pastor praying for a miscarriage, I do think it's rather sick. I have to admit though, I wished more than anything in the first few weeks of my p for a miscarriage, but never once did I pray for it! In my (not so) humble opinion I think God would just ignore such a prayer, how could He ever even consider granting the prayer request of one wishing harm upon another?! Not to say awful things don't happen to good ppl and even innocent babies/children everyday, but I just don't think it's because God says things like, "Hmmmm...om's pastor asked that e have a miscarriage, oh ok... there haven't been enough miscarriages around the world today, I think I'll grant that!"...ABSURD <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> !!!

Well, I guess you can tell, today has not been a crying day for me, but a sassy one instead! Been running around like a crazy woman the past few days, (getting oldest d prepared for a 2 week trip overseas...eek <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ... my worries have been concentrated on her for now!) and haven't taken a lot of time to think and make decisions on my situation.

tigger~
One of these days I will email you and tell you what I was referring to about the gender of oc, probably not a big deal in the scheme of things. Perhaps, just too much thinking and fretting on my part!

pops~
lol@hyjacking e's thread, you are funny, as well as kind and patient!

~aut

Just read the thread I just posted, and realized I sounded as if I thought there was a big difference in me wishing for a miscarriage, and others actually praying for one. I think I sounded self righteous. I should have edited it to say, that I didn't wish for a miscarriage, because now thinking back on it, it's not what I did, BUT I did think to myself that if it happened, I wouldn't be devastated like I would've been if miscarried either of my previous children. I even said as much to my dr. upon my first pre-natal visit, and she said, "oh, I think you'd be surprised at your actual reaction if you miscarried." Also, I know I said in my very first post on here that I thought of abortion, but that was for a fleeting moment. Just didn't want to give the impression that I am heartless, even though I have many, many faults!!!!!!

e29,

I was just wondering how you were doing? Hope all is well, and hope to hear from you soon!

autumnday,

I look forward to your email. I have to admit that I am quite curious, but have an idea! I hope that your D has a wonderful time on her trip! I will also pray that she stays healthy and safe!

Tigger

**edited to correct grammar, I really should read what I post before I post it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ April 05, 2003, 09:11 AM: Message edited by: tigger4jdt ]</small>