For those of you who have had NC in the past with their OC, has the child ever come to find you? Or after awhile did you decide to have contact with the child years later? Does the BS have a right to demand NC if they want to rebuild a marriage? Or are they being selfish too? These children did not ASK for their parents to do stupid things! But I DON'T know how ANYONE could stand to look at a child that their WorH created with someone else? That they gave that honor to someone other than yourself?

I went through with my divorce (glad I did) and xUH is STILL doing all the "right" things and I'm starting to FEEL like I might want to rebuild a relationship with him and have my family back together and possibly have another child in the future since I've always wanted a couple of kids. BUT I don't know WHAT to do with the OC!! UH says that he wants NC now and swears he "probably" never will. He has had NC with the OC, even before I found out and hasn't had contact with the OW in about a year. Except for her calling and yelling at him b/c he didn't deposit her money the day she wanted him to, that has happen a few times but not since I found out about the whole thing 8 months ago. I just CAN'T let go that my UH HAS another child that will ALWAYS be in my mind and in my life, it will affect me emotionally and financially for YEARS!! My son has a half sister???!!!??? How f***ed up is that!! Unless I have another child with xUH, I will probably never get to have another kid. AND that bi*ch of an OW has her 2 (almost 3) kids, all different fathers. NICE!!!

tinml,

I'm sorry that you feel that you shouldn't come here anymore. I, for one, hate to see anyone who could gain even just a little good advice leave. I know that I don't often post reply's to your threads, but I also am not in the same situation as you. I wish that I had something to offer, but please, give it some time. The board has been VERY slow lately, but I'm sure someone with the perfect advice is here somewhere.

Tigger

tinml,

I know the feelings that you are going through.

I feared that I would have them as well. I fought continually with my H while awaiting the birth of the OC. I wanted NO CONTACT with the OC, much less the OW!

I was angry, bitter, hurt, all the feelings that go along with learning your spouse is having a child with someone other than yourself.

I had dreams of having a child with my H and in one fell swoop, he and exOW destroyed my dreams. I was crushed.

I went through the feelings of inadequacy. How could he want me when I can’t give him a child? The child we both so much wanted. The children we lost together, through miscarriage, weren’t they MY fault? Because it’s obvious that HE has no problem fathering children!

I took me a long time to come to grips with these feelings. I can’t tell you the day, the month or anything to give any “time-line.” But I know that my heart was softened.

It didn’t happen when H placed Lil Bit in my arms. It happened BEFORE that. It had to have happened in GOD’s own time. When He felt I was ready…

I know that many people feel that its impossible to have contact with the OC, and for some that is true.

There is no “game-plan” for every relationship. For every marriage. There is no ONE “road-map” to help EVERY person deal with this heartbreak.

The only thing I can tell you is, what you know about yourself and your H and your family is the only “map” for what YOU can handle.

You and your H must make these decisions together.

tinml,

I am not strictly religous and my situation is not the same as Stacia's yet I so completely agree with everything she has said to you.

I think in time you will find love for OC. Why? Well if you still love your exH and grow to love him more again it will be very hard to hate an innocent part of his life - even though that innocent part of his life arose from the greatest of deceits and you may have nc with that innocent part(y).

Just remember it was your exH who dishonoured you and not OC. You are clearly not one to harbour resentement given that you are considering a R with your exH even after everything he has done to you. So I think you will not be able to resent OC who is the innocent.

Keep looking to your R and if that grows the OC will not be an issue for you I believe. But you must find the right answers for you ;-)

Hang in there.

bowd