Know this forum doesn't get much action, but I find this the most appropriate place to post this.

While I'm doing better now, I still have my days. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> The children (D10, S8) have seen me crying sooo many times. They have both taken care of me. Tried to feed me when I wouldn't eat for days upon days, hugged me when they saw I was down, told me "I love you" more times than I can count, were quiet when I was shut up in my bedroom, made themselves dinner, let out the dog.

I guess my question is what is the long-term affect on them? Yes, I know I need to completely stop this crying. It is something I'm working on and it's very few and far between now. However, I'm afraid that I've already done damage to them. If they find out about their dad's A, I know there will be further damage. If we divorce, I know there will be even further damage. Has anyone found ways to lessen the degree of pain/anxiety that children feel?

I am in the same exact boat his affair has been going on for two years now.He says he is not in love with me but he still loves me.He says he doesn't know if he'll ever be in love with me again.He says he doesn't want a divorce.We moved from OK to get away from Krist.But Seko still calls her very often and carries on with her.Trayveon and Daveon have seen me crying so many times.Trayveon asks me why are you crying?Are you happy?He is only 2.I feel like I am in the same situation you are.
Liz Palms

ECPSAP and SUEBEE

I am also the adult child of a WFather so I know about the suffering that you and your children are going through. As terrible as it is you really can’t hide your emotions from your kids. When they ask why are you crying, if you don’t feel they are old enough to understand, just say that you are feeling sad and that everything is Ok. They need a lot of reassurance.

The older kids around 9 - 10 know that something is wrong between their parents. I wouldn’t recommend that you answer specific questions but it is OK to say that Mom and Dad are having some problems or that ya’ll have had a disagreement. They want their feelings validated because they are also grieving and hurting because of what has happened. No matter how terrible their Father has acted toward you they still love him.

But, you know kids, they don’t really want the details so just answer in a general way but be sure to follow up with a comment about how much you and their Father loves them. It’s real important that they know that no matter what that you (and their Father if it is true) will take care of them and will always be there for them and that they will be safe and secure. They know that deep down but need to hear it from you on a regular basis. Keep the kids busy doing things that will keep their minds off of their concerns. Keep them moving as best you can. Some running and stomping will relieve some of the anxiety they feel. You know the drill wear them out so that they will go to bed early and give you some peace.

I am sorry for what has happened and I know that you have had your hearts broken. My Mother suffered long bouts of depression and was unable to care for my brother or me much of the time. I have been the child that was trying to comfort his Mother so my heart goes out to both of you.

What are you don’t to repair your marriage or have you decided on divorce? Are you parents close by to help you with the day-to-day issues so that you can get some rest? What about child support? Try to rest and sleep as much as you can. Let me know how you are doing OK?

Beau

SonofWF, thanks for your reply. We are going to tell the children this afternoon about the separation. When they have seen me cry, which has been often and very emotional, I have told them that I'm sad. My D asks why and I tell her that I will tell her soon, but not now. Well, we've come upon the time. She asked again two nights ago.

We are going to tell them basically what you have said. We are having problems. Dad is going to live separately to see how we can work out those problems. We both love you tremendously. This is NOT about you, it is only about us. My D said one day in the car that maybe sometimes people divorce because the kids are bad. I tried to assure her that that is absolutely not the case! My S said it is because they fight all the time.

Sleep? What in the world are you talking about? Don't do much of that these days, although I can finally eat. I am seeing an IC, taking A-D, reading, getting support from friends here. My parents live 3 hours from here, but are getting ready to winter 25 hours from here. They may postpone their departure until after Thanksgiving. They are leaving that up to me.

Know that all will work out however it shakes out. Saying lots of prayers!

Bee

Maybe your folks can come and stay with the kids for a couple of days, before they move further away, so that you can get some very needed sleep?

If you ever have the time, a brisk walk in the neighborhood will help burn off some of the chemicals in our bodies that makes us feel so bad. In my case, I ride a bicycle but it really doesn't matter what type of exercise we do, just about anything will do. You will also sleep better. This may be too much to ask but just a suggestion.

With H out of the house hopefully things will calm down and you can get the kids back in to a routine that allow you to have some time for yourself.

You’re a special person. I will remind God to bring peace and happiness back into your life as soon as possible.

Beau

Beau, I was just thinking this morning as I was awakening that I may ask my parents to come for a few days. Think it would be good for children as well as myself. Mom can make some good ole comfort foods. She'll definitely try to fatten me up as I've lost a bit of weight.

Monday, monday, monday ... I'm going to get back into exercising monday. It's always been something I've enjoyed doing, but over the summer got out of the habit. Now's the time to jump back in, literally. Also think I may start knitting or drawing/painting. Will look into classes next week also.

Your encouraging words are very much appreciated and needed. Thanks a bunch!

Yes, I know I need to completely stop this crying.
You need to stop it in front of the kids. It's okay to let them know you are sad, but they should NOT be the "strong" one supporting you.
They need to know they can be kids and not make them afraid of being adults.
"Mom is sad & falling apart, is that how I'm gonna be?"

If they find out about their dad's A,
They should know eventually. They nedd to know the problems were not their fault. "We just didn't get along" means nothing to a 10 & 8 year old.

Has anyone found ways to lessen the degree of pain/anxiety that children feel?
You shouldn't necessarily make it less for them. However, you SHOULD let them know it is okay to be hurt and teach them how to deal with it.

Chris, good points and well-taken. They're doing relatively well. Their Dad was around here pretty much all weekend doing stuff that needed to be done. He'll be stopping by shortly and we are starting to figure out how we'll "share" them.

Know that this is difficult, but we'll all get through this. Believe that hard times make you stronger!

HI, Just read your post. I think the children should know about the A, you don't have to make Dad out to be the "bad guy", but they should know it was wrong, you could explain that you were having problems before (if you were) or somethings, but at their ages, they should know. Don't wait until they are teenagers, it will be worse for them then. Keep the communication open about it (eventhough neither one of you probably wants to talk about it). They need answers too. JMO! Good Luck!!

My oldest daughter 23 knows but my 16 year old, who was away for d-day does not know. He has a great relationship with his step-dad and I do not want that tarnished since we are still together and working it out.

Uh, this post is almost two years old...

He has a great relationship with his step-dad and I do not want that tarnished since we are still together and working it out.
If everything is working out, they don't necessarily need to know.
But if it does not work out, then they should know, especially at 16 years old & since it's his step-father.