SORRY SO LONG BEFORE
YOUR WELCOME
SHORT THIS TIME
GOOD LUCK

respectfully curious....I write and hope I do not offend you however I am wondering if your reasons for posting are legitimate.

BinThere posted to you about the fact that her son is successful in life. No where in her posting did she say that she didnt' have a choice in the no-contact. Maybe she didn't have a choice but she didn't mention that in this particular posting. However your response to her was that you were looking for other information.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm very pleased to hear your son is doing so well, but sadly he may be in the minority. As you stated, you had no choice.

I'm glad to hear from you, but I'm really after responses from the people who DO have a choice. The fathers or wives who CHOOSE no contact. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really got the impression that the fact her son is doing well was contradictory to the 'dirt' you're trying to dig up.

In addition, the posting by Thisisnotmylife.. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am responsible for the health and happiness of MY child. I have divorce my husband for having an affair and the ONLY reason I talk to him or even THINK about a reconcillation is because it is in my son's best interest. He now does not have a full-time father in his life but I will try my best to provide an enviroment for him of love and security. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You responded to her that was the type of information you were looking for however she didn't answer your question about the oc....she is divorced from her H and the question she answered had nothing to do with the oc being fatherless. So again, I wonder about your research.

Your response to jtigger... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> JTigger,

ok, here goes.
"Remember, men have no choice in the decision to bring a child into the world regardless of the circumstances. Once he has provided the sperm his choices have ended."
To be honest, my first reaction to that statement would be to say that at any time a man, married or not, has unprotected sex, he is taking on the responsibility for creating a life, and can't necessarily expect a woman not to have the child simply because he has decided he now doesn't want the child. HOWEVER that is a VERY general statement that in no way applies to all situations, so I can't fairly say my statement is true. I have learned of situations where women have essentially tricked men into pregnancy</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And at one point this is your response to jtigger... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JTigger,
I will have to disagree with you there. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am wondering why you are disagreeing with your research data? Initially in your posting you asked for our opinions about oc and no contact and if you are doing a study for research purposes I would suppose that your opinion should be unheard on this forum in order for your research to be 'untainted' by your viewpoints. Yes/no?

Your posting to cmiranda... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CMiranda,
All sides of the equation are biased in their own way, but all the feelings are important because they all contribute to the situation.
I'm hoping to hear from a few of the fathers involved as well.
Even I have certain feeling on the subject, but I have to keep my own opinions out of it to properly learn from those I am asking for their opinions and information.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">However you have just given us your opinion on jtigger's posting as well as the posting to thisisnotmylife.

and finally your response to Twiisty.... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Twiisty,
Your post was excellent, and I really appreciate it. I wanted to make a couple of points though.

"I'd like to think that Mr."T" being their Daddy for the past 6 years would counter-prevent that. As I'd like to think that OC and her Step-father has avoided that also."
The presence of a male role model on a permanent basis changes everything. And the statistics I was referring to earlier apply only to one set of children, especially where self esteem is concerned. Children from divorced homes with a part time father experince far less problems, though we all know they do experience some.
Do you mind if I ask you what your H would think of his choice when faced with the grim stats I mentioned? Do you think any of those possibilites weighed into his choice for NC?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Againk your original question was about no contact and all the horrid things that will happen to these children. Twiisty told you that her oc has a step-father in the home so does that make her comments invalid for your research?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm doing a research paper on the negative effects children without fathers experience from early development through adolescence.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was your original research statement however you changed it after BinThere's response to you.... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Stated simply, the question would be how can you choose to expose a child to those future social, behavioral and educational risks, and moreover, has anyone looked into those risks and weighed them in their choice?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, now you're asking you someone can choose to expose those children (oc's) to all these issues.... then later... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These statements are based on situations where the father is absentee, not dead or a part time parent, but has chosen for whatever reason not to have contact. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess my question to you is this...what do you really want from this forum of ladies and gents? Why are you selecting OC's rather than children put up for adoption and have no father, (those father's aren't dead or part time - they are absentee). Or why aren't you selecting fathers who have abandoned their wives and left those children to be raised in a single household? Again, those fathers chose no contact in a sense but I don't see that you are looking for that information although it is relevant.

My daughter is adopted and the home she came from was a single mother and the father just left the mother....she was abandoned by him. My step-son who we now have custody of...his mother wouldn't let my husband see him until he was about 7 (she moved incessantly to keep him out of our lives and we finally won some visitation rights). So for 7 years my step-son had no male role model in the home - does that count for your research?

I hope you understand my point. I've never seen a research study where the scientist included their opinion before a final paper was presented and typically they only present their opinion after much statistical data is collected. Your opinions seem to be interjected with each new post.

Maybe I misinterpreted some of the postings so if I did I apologize in advance.

"No contact" is a hot topic around here and I am sure it's one that is not entered into lightly. I am sure that in addition to all the issues facing children with an absentee father (by choice) there are other factors that go into those decisions for no contact such as the ow or om, the betrayed spouse or partner, God or any other religious beliefs, the proximity or geographical location to have contact, etc.

As you can see by the number of replies you have to this posting it's important to us. I do not believe that the 'no contact' decision is EASY for any of the people on this forum. I also do not believe that the people who have contact do that in a half-hearted way either. These decisions are HARD. To make light of them is not playing nicely by you. To ask opiniong in the guise of research and then disagreeing or debating points with the people who ask them just truly makes me wonder your intent.

I agree with BinThere... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We all have issues to work out in our lives, regardless. We can't protect our kids from life's negative circumstances. We are all bound to face troubles in our lives, whether it is the self-inflicted pain of our affairs or the pain caused by others' betrayal.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Every day in life some child will defy the forces of his or her life around them and grow up to be a successful, productive member of our society. There is always a child with an inner-spirit to overcome REGARDLESS of where they grew up, who their parents are, their socio-economic status, their education, etc... and often their inner spirit is just that....their own desire to make something of their lives.

Just my opinion.

Ok, let me reply.
BTDT said in her first post to me:
"You have to "justify it" or accept it is probably a better word, particularly in cases where there is no choice. We can't force someone to participate in a child's life if they don't want to be involved."
From that I got the impression she was the mother of a child who's father had chosen NC.

Thisisnotmylife answered my question by giving me an honest answer about the OC in her situation, which was basically that the child wasn't her problem.

In my responses to JTigger I made a comment that I do have my own feelings on the subject (enabling me to disagree) but that I had to put them aside in the long run.

I could go on, but your post was very long, though very well spoken..

Basically no one has yet to answer my question, but I didn't want to appear rude to anyone on a support board. I don't profess to know your personal experiences, but I did thank everyone for the input.

My question, I realize, would be percieved here as rude, so I was trying to get opinion without pushing the point. While I appreciate the responses, not one person has yet to tell me how they justify exposing a child to the risks I mentioned, when they could choose active involvement.
I see now that maybe the people here may have wounds too fresh and painful to be able to look at it with the objectivity I needed.
I have been trying to be respectful, but maybe I simply can't do that and still ask the questions I wanted to.
I have no judgement about whatever choices any of you have made, but I was interested in what thought went into those choices, and if possible consequences were weighed.

Just wanted to add,
If i sounded as though I was "making light of the choices" as was suggested, I'm sorry, I did not mean to give that impression.
I should be clear, my research is about ONLY the group of children who's fathers are available but make a conscious choice to not be involved. (and this is by no means limited to children born of extramarital affairs, but single men as well)
I must make the distinction because the stats are different for other situations such as a deceased parent, the involvment of a step parent, or a part time parent due to divorce or the parents not being married. That may be where some of these posts and my comments have become muddled. Sorry if I was unclear.
One of my main reasons for posing this question here was because most of the research I have found deals with only single men and those dynamics, not those who have wives and children.

rc,,,, i am also very curious as to your true motives here. these people have offered their most painful experience in life to you but you seem to always counter an opinion for contact.

also what demographic slice of society do your statistics cover? if you look solely at many inner city nieghborhoods then your statistics seem to make sense as opportunity in those areas can be very hard to find. (please i am not trying to belittle anyone here). and if you use the numbers of areas such as those as a percentage marker you are cheating your own survey. you need to match your percentages from each seperate area against another areas percentage. ex.. 100 upper suburban oc and 20 are successfull = 20% while 1000 inner city oc with 100 success stories = 10 % . this gives you a 15%% success rate (10% +20%) div by 2 + 15%/ where to aguire a 15% percent success rate of 1200 oc you need 180 successful stories. maybe it is just me but i never trust anyone who wants to deal in percentages. numbers are to easily mixed to rove a point either way.

I pointed out in the post where I gave some rough stats that the numbers go up for minority children.
I don't believe I was giving opinions supporting contact, but I was still trying to get to the root of it..the real reasons men choose to abandon a child.
I've said I am not judging any of you, and I stand by that, but all I've heard so far seem to be comments about meddlesome mothers and difficult situations. All situaions are difficult, I just wnat clear answers as to why that choice was made.
edited to say: i just read this and it sounds harsh, so I want to apologize. I wasn't trying to offend but apparently I've done so.

<small>[ April 10, 2003, 06:48 PM: Message edited by: respectfullycurious ]</small>

RC,

I am not a part of the NC side of things… as I have contact.
But I do support their right to have NC.

To quote you </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Basically no one has yet to answer my question, but I didn't want to appear rude to anyone on a support board. I don't profess to know your personal experiences, but I did thank everyone for the input.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No one answered your question??? I beg to differ.



BTDT’s answer: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have to "justify it" or accept it is probably a better word, particularly in cases where there is no choice. We can't force someone to participate in a child's life if they don't want to be involved.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jtigger’s Answer: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H and I weighed the pros and cons and decided that the havic ow was causing in our lives was entirely too detrimental to our children and our marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thisisnotmylife’s answer: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel that what happens to the other child is NONE of my concern.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Twiisty’s answer: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As for the choice of NC in our situation, that was my husband's. I cannot keep him from his child, even if I insisted on it. It was his choice before I even knew of her existence. He wanted to adopt her out, ex-ow didn't (and as a mother, I can understand that). We've not once said we weren't going to pay and filed the paternity suit first in court</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It seems to me from your first post: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For those of you with NC, have any of you looked into the long term possible negative effects your NC choice will have on your OC? There is a lot of info, and many statistics available on the net.
Seeing the extrememly negative outcomes of the fatherless child, what are your thoughts on having made that choice? How do you justify it?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That you want to know if these people LOOKED into the long-term effects on the OC.
Well, it seems to me that you are fishing for a particular statement to answer this question… what that is, only you know.

But as to how they Justify NC… Seems to me their Justification is clear. Their own children. Their marriage. That is their Justification. What more needs to be said?

The BS sees the OW as an unwelcomed person in her life. And that she has no place in it at all. The BS and sometimes WS see the OC as a product of something that should never have happened. This is fact. It should not have happened.

The OC being the product of something so painful can cause an even bigger rift than the A. As this is can be a constant reminder of the pain, to both BS and WS.

When a couple chooses NC, they do so to preserve their marriage. The do it to preserve their family.

And neither the OW nor the OC should stand in the way of that marriage.

When the Married couple chooses NC, the OW should bow out of the situation. It shows respect for the decision of the couple and for herself. She chose to keep the child and she should be able to handle her decision to do so, without contact from the MM, if this is what the couple choose.

I am not saying that there should be no support from the MM. But there are circumstances that should be considered. His family BEFORE OC.

As has been said, this is a very touchy subject with people whose lives have been changed by an A that has produced an OC.

Each side has their own reasons… and many of them fall into the category of Preservation of Marriage and Family.

Only my opinion.

respectfullycurious:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm doing a research paper on the negative effects children without fathers experience from early development through adolescence.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What's the research paper for? Are you looking to publish? Are you in college? What's your intended field of study?

And then, my real question to you would be "do you have a clue???"

You appear to have a real agenda, as opposed to simply gathering information for research or a paper. From your initial question of

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">the negative effects children without fathers experience from early development through adolescence.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would suggest that you spend much more time getting divorced parents and children of divorced parents to give you input into this. And then work on unwed mothers and their children. It's much more fertile ground. The "no contact" group of children born of adultery has to be somewhere in the 0.01% of children growing up without 'fathers' influence.

Instead, you seem to be trying to figure out how someone can "justify" no contact, when confronted with the overwhelming statistical evidence that kids do better when father's are involved in their lives. That's not research. That's investigative reporting. And concerning the sensitivity of this, and the already heart-felt responses you've received already---my response to you would be "go away---it's none of your damn business."

k,
boy, that was a pretty rude response.
I am doing this paper only for a college class.
I stated in an earlier post that I am also looking to unwed mothers for info.
You are right to say that the people here represent a small part of the equation, so do unwed mothers and others.
I am not looking at situations involving divorced, part time parents, thats a different topic.
I AM looking at divorced couples where the father leaves and never has contact again.
I am doing my paper on absentee fathers. There is a whole seperate topic of absentee mothers and the problems that causes, but again that is a different topic.

RC,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My question, I realize, would be percieved here as rude, so I was trying to get opinion without pushing the point. While I appreciate the responses, not one person has yet to tell me how they justify exposing a child to the risks I mentioned, when they could choose active involvement. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Several people on this board have given you reasons as to why they choose no contact and you're just NOT listening.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't believe I was giving opinions supporting contact, but I was still trying to get to the root of it..the real reasons men choose to abandon a child.
I've said I am not judging any of you, and I stand by that, but all I've heard so far seem to be comments about meddlesome mothers and difficult situations. All situaions are difficult, I just wnat clear answers as to why that choice was made.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No one said, or at least I didn't, that you were supporting contact but you asked for the "REAL" reasons men choose to "ABANDON" a child. You need to re-read what you wrote about meddlesome mothers and difficult situations. Did it ever occur to you that those were the REAL reasons the choice for no contact were made or are those REAL reasons not good enough for your 'research'?

You have NOT offended me personally although I find the words you've chosen to use for your 'research' such as "justify" and "abandon" offensive. Asking grown people to 'justify' their reasons to you is offensive.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I see now that maybe the people here may have wounds too fresh and painful to be able to look at it with the objectivity I needed.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have NO idea whose wounds are fresh and how long they have been dealing with this. And to question the objectivity of the ladies and gents is just not in the true interest of research. I see no way for you to gain any statistical information out of the question you are posing. You are asking for opinions and opinions are not statistical. The research you quote in your original postings is stuff that is MEASURABLE. You cannot MEASURE someone's opinion.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One of my main reasons for posing this question here was because most of the research I have found deals with only single men and those dynamics, not those who have wives and children. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me ask you this since you're doing the research...what difference does it make if a man is married or single when he "abandons" his child as you so eloquently put it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I must make the distinction because the stats are different for other situations such as a deceased parent, the involvment of a step parent, or a part time parent due to divorce or the parents not being married. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What makes you think that any of the oc's on this forum do not have the involvement of a step-parent or another role model in their lives? You are making an assumption.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have no judgement about whatever choices any of you have made, but I was interested in what thought went into those choices, and if possible consequences were weighed </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">RC, the ladies and gentlemen on this forum are men and women who hold jobs, have degrees, have raised families (yes, even successful ones), pay their bills, go to church, volunteer in the community, help their children with homework, have figured out a way to work on a marriage, have survived medical issues and generally are all people who have "weighed" the MANY issues regarding the oc in their life.

I think it's great that you are researching the effects of the absent father. I honestly do. I would like to point out again that there are valid methods of conducting social research and this isn't one of them.

RC:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">boy, that was a pretty rude response.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You bet. But no more rude than several of your responses have been. Not that I normally stoop down to abuse someone, but I'm guessing that you're ACTUALLY interested in these questions, and you don't have a clue as to how you're coming across.

As CMiranda has stated, there are several, much better ways to gather this type of data in a fairer, more unbiased, statistically-relevant, and simply more polite manner. If you're working towards a degree in socialology or psychology, you're really doing an incredibly poor job of:

1. Defining your study
2. Finding the appropriate population
3. Designing appropriate questionnaires
4. Impartially gathering the data and making hypotheses from it.

There are several ways that you could go about improving your 'research project' here. First off, posting your full name, affiliation, professor of this class, and an email address would have been a good start. Although many members of this board choose to be anonymous, there's no reason that you should be. Designing a good questionnaire to answer these questions is extremely difficult for someone who has limited experience, and you would want to be able to follow up with respondents with further questions to refine your work. You need to entice your sample population to respond---although you can't offer them free stuff, you certainly could have offered them a copy of your research paper or a summary of your statistics. And then interjecting your personal and biased comments during a study is completely and utterly inappropriate.

As CMiranda said, there are valid ways to conduct this type of social study. But this isn't one of them.

rc,,,,, ok let's explain it this way. whatever the excuse, ow/m is a pain, ow/m is threatening, bs just can't stand the hurt involved, or the father just plain says tuff crap. whatever. people here on this site have "choosen" to continue their lives with the family of origin. simple.

maybe their reasoning is: they think their c's of the marriage may end up hurt or embarrassed somehow, or the ow/m is also married and that they are willing to step up and raise the oc, or the ow is young enough that the ws feels she will find a nice guy and marry so the c won't be torn between 2 homes ( this was my thought process very early in my oldest son's life (we were a bf/gf relationship)), and what if the father is removed via distance and income where it is just impossible to see the c.

i would venture to quess that the bottom line is that in these ws fathers cases most of the time they feel God will provide for the childs emotion and spiritual well being while they are providing for the childs financial well being with cs and at the same time "choose" to try and repair their marriages and the damage they have done to the breaking of their wedding vows.

if you are talking about c's who come from troubled backgrounds then you have come to the wrong place for your research. in my personal situation my w strayed and had a little girl. if we were to have divorced i would have maintained custody. i truly believe that my c's would have had some pain yet they still would have grown to be productive members of society. meaning that the answer to your question lies in the attitude of the parent doing the raising of the child. so i will give you another research project that may help solve the unfortunate sitution you are looking into. why can't single parents raise healthy productive offspring? this amswer is also probably very simple. they need to think of the people around them (c's) more then theirselves.

again i don't see any further use for this "college paper". and i feeel you are looking forsome form of dirt. have a great day, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> pops

Hello,

You said you want to find the reasons men abandon their children. I think you should ask the men..this is mostly a forum of betrayed spouses with oc as a result...it's a lot more complicated from the outside looking in. It's hard to put into words the heartache this situation brings to all the parties involved.

Well rc,
I have to say that of all the people who post on this particular forum, I'm probably the closest one to fit your research program since I was unwed when I got pregnant by a married man. I raised my son for 10 years alone before I ever got married and I am a minority. He's now grown and in spite of all the odds against him, he is doing fine.

If you are going to research the negative aspects of fatherless children, please do not ignore the ones who turn out all right also.

My whole point in being here is to reassure those who have chosen no contact and who have justified no contact because of trying to regain romance, focus, and momentum by healing their original union--that the OC can turn out well-adjusted and be a productive citizen of society with NC! I have a live one!

The statistics you quote are far outweighed by the fact that a broken marriage has problems that need fixing before ANYBODY's kids can turn out okay.

Don't forget, children are emotionally abandoned with fathers living right there in the homes! Some of those kids can turn out just as screwed up as the ones whose fathers physically abandon them.

<small>[ April 11, 2003, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

I usually don't give advice but I can truely relate to this because I am the OC. My mom had an affair to a MM and as the result I was born. And well yous know the rest of the story. I now am in the same sitution where my UH had an A and there is OC and he decided with NC. I truely feel for the other child knowing where she is coming from. But I can truely say now, that you can't make a man be a father, no matter how bad you feel? MY bio-father came in and out my life making it really hard for me to understand why he didn't care for me,I mean I was his flesh and blood wasn't I ? I never understood until I got older why it was like that. Plus my mother never told me the truth I found the truth all on my own. Of course I was mad at her, but I loved because she was my mom. But I also hated her because she never told me why my father never really was there and came and went. She tried really hard to have him in my life but as you can see you can't make someone do something they just don't want to. After I found out the truth I had just wish I was told he was dead. It created alot emotional problems for me especially in relationship with guys, would it made a difference for me if I had my father well I did have a step father, that took good care of me . But when I found out thats not your real Dad, was when I started to wonder? I wish my mother never told me he existed, I only knew my step father as my father until that day. Again you can't force something that ain't there you really don't know what that out come will be in my case I wish I never knew. It was a painful exerperience I had to live thru, and now that I'm at the other end of the ballpark, I can just imagine how much pain I caused the betrayed spouse and everyone else involved. I could go on and on beleive I can I don't know if that helped you at all but I hope you find your answer.

Alright here goes, (absentee father side)

I made the unfortunate mistake in
a. having an affair
b. believing my vasectomy meant I did not need to worry.
c. choosing a degenerate woman

so here goes,

i believe that the child has the right to both parents. I believe that I as the father, should have the right to know and raise my daughter. I further believe that she will have a much higher likelyhood of doing all the things that we as parents seek to prevent. She needs my values in her life, she needs to know that she is NOT a mistake, she needs to Know that she IS Worthwhile.

I hope that I get to see her more that twice a year, but the way it is going right now, it does not look that way. so i am an nocontact father not by choice but by our Wonderful Legal design. and I believe MY DAUGHTER WILL SUFFER FOR THE LACK OF ME IN HER LIFE!

father of myfamilyof5
GodBless and Keep You

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HI celcal,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us! Wow, you have been through a lot. Your resentment of your mom for leaving you in the dark is precisely why I told my son (OC) the truth from the first time he started realizing he didn't have a father.

I'm sorry your mom lied to you, but now that you are an adult, you can understand why. And I don't believe you should ever feel that you caused anyone pain. Your existence and how you came into this world is not your choice nor doing. God has a reason for you to be born into this world. Because your parents chose to have an extramarital affair was not your fault. Your mom loved and wanted you and that's important to focus on, like you stated in your post.

Never, never feel that you caused anyone pain. The circumstances in which you were conceived maybe were a nightmare to the MM and his family but that doesn't mean you are a nightmare. You are awesomely and wonderfully made!

((HUGS))

<small>[ April 12, 2003, 01:30 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

I don't believe this for one moment.

I believe you are from gloryb, I believe you are having a OC MM may have choose NC and you come up with this ******** to bring about guilt with NC.

Please go else where you.

<small>[ April 13, 2003, 11:43 AM: Message edited by: MALC ]</small>