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#82070 01/05/04 12:42 PM
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I am afraid that I have lost the love of my life due to my addiction to tellin a lie. I have been married only 9 months and it seems like a lifetime. I have carried on a friendship with an ex that I wasa very serious with for over 3 years. I have been divorced before and was for five years before I met my love. I was scared that I had hurt this ex so bad by getting married to my husband and he made me feel like he was so lonely and hurt that I never would marry him. So I remained friends with him and talked to him on occassion. Maybe once a day. The only time that I saw him my husband caught us togather and I lied about it. I was sick and left work early to go home. I had gone to the grocery store and my ex called. I told him that I could not find my car and that I was a little woozy. I did not ask him to come, he just was in the area and came to check on me. I know sounds stupid, but it is the truth.Meanwhile my husband was worried about me too and left his job early to check on me as well. Well, when my ex pulled up to the front of the store he told me that we could ride through the parking lot and we found my car. My husband was parke dright beside it and saw me in my ex's vehicle. I tild my ex to just go and take me to my sisters work and have her bring me back. I could not face my husband. I knew that if he were to even think that my ex and I had any contact that it would mean the end of everything that I held dear to me,his love, our marriage, our family, our home. I paniced and lied to everyone. It was 3 days before Christmas and when he finally came home we fought and I lied some more. He left and stayed gone for 2 days to his sisters house and around. The 23rd my daughter with her dad to a church program and was to be gone for a couple of hours. I took this time to go looking for him some more. When I returned back home his sisters and sons and their friends were there to bring me boxes and tell me to leave. They left because I asked them to before my daughter returned and saw the two aunts that she had grown to love kicking her mother out and they did. My daughter returned and I sent her to stay with her fahter until I was able to talk to my husband and figure out if this is what he wanted. I went to stay with my sister. I did not know if I really was safe there anymore. The weekend after Christmas my husband, his sisters, his sons, and family packed everthing that I had brought into his home including all my daughters possessions and moved them into a storage buliding. That was the most humiliating thing a person has ever done to me. I realize that I lied to him, but to take away the rest of any life that we had built in 2 days has been so traumatic. I cannot see my life with out him in it. I just need some kind of advice. My husband believes that every loving memory and every bit of love I have for him has been a lie. Can I ever believe that we can get through this? HELP

#82071 01/05/04 03:17 PM
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I hope and trust that you have learned a valuable lesson, so I'm not gonna 2x4 you. Your H has been grievously injured by your conduct. You would do well to leave well enough alone for a time. Allow him time to grieve and contemplate things. Work on changing you - you obviously have developed a pattern of deception - find out the root causes of that and deal with it. Your CONTINUED good conduct and actions may win him back over time - don't push it. Let him make the next move. May God give you courage to make the changes necessary to live a life of truth.

#82072 01/05/04 05:13 PM
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Reading over what I wrote earlier, I failed to mention that I finally did tell him the truth. I told him on the first. I could not live with mysellf lying to him anymore, the guilt of what I have put him through had eaten me alive. I just miss my husband so much that it is tearing me up. He is such a wonderful man i hate that I hurt him the way I have.

#82073 01/06/04 08:16 AM
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The healing will not take place overnight. Concentrate on changing yourself - make it a priority. Your actions will speak louder than your words. I suggest getting some spiritual guidance, also. God bless!

#82074 01/06/04 10:43 AM
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Thank you for that. I have talked with him a few times and I beleive that he will survive. As for me it is hard to concentrate on anything, just thinking about him. I cannot look at myself anymore. I think about everything that we built our life around. Love, compassion, devotion. I have taken all that away from him and our kids. I am actually thinking of giving custody all of it, of my 6 year old to her dad. I don't feel like I am fit to raise her anymore and that has been my main priority since she was born. I have been a good mother and that is really the only thing that I had going for me. I am now homeless without any family nor many friends that I can count on for support or advice. Thank you for taking the time to at least respond. I will but my faith in God and try to put some back in me, it is the overnights that put me back down. I suppose that I am just needy.

#82075 01/07/04 01:30 AM
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You need some encouragement today. Get a Bible and check out Ephesians 3:16-21. Start the process of change today and you will reap the rewards tomorrow. God bless!

#82076 01/29/04 02:48 PM
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I'm actually going through a similar case of Lying problem with my husband. We have almost the best relationship but he does the worst thing which is lying to me about silly things. For exm. with Porn when he rents it and doesn't tell me and watches it behind my back. And i do not have a problem with porn but with the Lies. I've talked to him hundreds of times and told him that he has no need to lie because i'll always try to understand. He says he's sorry, he will not do that again and next thing I find is a hidden porn video somewhere. This hurts a lot: it's like he doesn't trust me and that makes me not trust him to me. I don't know what to do.

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I'm sorry, you're a fool.

Lying in itself was bad but you also violated a lot of other rules that sucessful couples understand instinctively.

When your ex showed up to give you a ride, you say "You know... that was nice of you... but I'm a married woman now. My husband is the most important person in my life and my mere talking to you hurts him. Please leave."

PEOPLE. I tell you. If only they'd operate from a moral compass within instead of floating on in life and being a victim of circumstance and life washing over them... I'm sorry, I'm just very annoyed at you. You hurt your husband badly because you weren't smart enough to realize he should be your priority and not your ex's hurt feelings.

If I were you, I'd write out in detail everything and come clean about writting to your ex and the reasons. Tell him you are a fool that didn't have the presence of mind (and that you were selfish) to know that you were hurting him. That you realize you disrespected him. That you are a terrible terrible fool. Then go get some councelling for your lying and someone to coach you on how a married woman should behave to respect her marriage and give her husband assurance that you are faithful to him. Then see if he'll take you back.

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I'm still not feeling any sympathy but glad to hear you're thinking about him and your kids and not soo much about yourself.

In case you can't tell, I'm mad at you. Partly because my wife has milder problems that you have. Not as bad. But she's naive about contact with males and she's a bit of a white lier too.

So to save you some money, I'm gonna spell out some guidelines to follow if your husband ever takes you back:

1. No male friends outside of a social circle like church; only meet those male friend at the social event and never in private.
2. Keep your husband informed of your where-abouts. Call him as you leave work to let him know you are done and on your way home.
3. Keep your husband updated on any change of plans. "Honey, I was planning to go to my mothers but I just ran into Jenny and I'm going to drop by her house. If you need me you can reach me at her home phone ......."
4. Absolutely no contact with ex-es. Throw away any old love letters or photos you might have of ex-boyfriends (with exception of maybe prom or something).
5. Don't let anybody into your home without your husband or female friend there. This includes repair-men.
6. Have a joint-email account with your husband and only check that one.

I know this sounds repressive and extreme. I know circumstances come up that would be hard to live by these 100% of the time. But you can make it your goal and your husband will see that you are being transparent and operate to protect yourself from temptations. He will think you are more of a "lady" and respect you for it.


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