I hesitate to post and have contemplated about this for a few days. I don't want to discourage anyone going through the same situation but at the same time, it is a reality and a consequence of my sin.
Although I haven't been posting I have been lurking about reading. I haven't wanted to post because it seems that Tim takes things I say and can twist them in the oddest ways to me that I really didn't want to hinder any shot we had at reconcilliation.
When I last posted in Jan he was done with the marriage. Some of you have kept up personally with us and know that he decided a couple of weeks after our seperation to keep an open mind and we began counselling with someone from our church. I had already started individual counselling with her as well. My committment level to Tim hasn't waivered since I made that decision in Jan, telling him about the last time with the OM has been the sticking point with him and probably always will be. I don't regret telling him as I know that I had to confess everything for a good marriage to rebuild but at the same time I know that we would be on the way to rebuilding this marriage with the baby included.
I ended up moving back to the apt for 16 days at the recommendation of the counselor and it was so easy to fall back into married life after a few days. Tim wasn't as comfortable towards the end because I think his lack of committment to the marriage made it seem like I was invading his space. We haven't had the same relationship since I left after that. We have tried doing some of the reconcilliation work from Torn Asunder and from the counsellor but it's hard to do when only one is committed.
I have grown so much since Jan. My relationship with God is stronger than it's ever been, mostly because I finally let Him into EVERY area of my life including the past childhood stuff. I joined up with a sexual/relationship recovery program that I think was a total God-thing and is healing me by leaps and bounds. I have become involved at church, a Bible Study, helping in the start up of a library, reaching out to some women's groups, reaching out to meet people, all things I wouldn't be doing if I was on the same path as before. For this I am so grateful that God has me in this season of my life. I will never be the same person.
My baby is due within the next two weeks. He was due next week but was measuring a week behind. I've always told them their dates were off for conception, so there is a good chance this is Tim's baby. We'll know after the DNA comes back 2 weeks after birth. I decided to name him Matthew- a gift from the Lord because he truly is that. I never thought I would be able to have a child and although the circumstances aren't right, God had a plan all along.
I don't know what the future holds and I am just trying to live day by day under the protection of God.
I found out Friday night after I stopped by Tim's apt to drop off some stuff where he didn't know I was coming that he's filing for divorce. He was in the middle of filling out the paperwork when I showed up. His timing sucks, I am trying to maintain my emotions and not being very successfull and then having him filling out paperwork when I thought we had been doing so good at getting closer was a blow. God has given me peace over the weekend and I am not waivering in my committment to Tim, I know that this isn't what God wants and I am married to Tim until the final paperwork is signed. OM is completely out of my life and I won't even entertain talking to him.
Thank you for your prayers and thoughts.

Patty

Thank you for your post. I was divorced about a month ago, my WS is having a baby with OW - due in August. I am totally devastated, yet at the same time, I know God works all things for good. I have been praying for OW and WS to be lifted out of the fog and to see what they are doing (OW has 2.5 year old son with ex and she only sees him every other weekend because of all this mess- she didn't fight for him) and want to make things right with God and with their spouses. Reading your post encourages me that even though it seems impossible and people would think I am crazy for thinking it- that with God all things ARE possible and WS and OW can have complete turnarounds for good. They could change their whole lives by stopping the sinning and praying for a way to move on. They are so deep in it right now that my WS seems to think with OC that things are too complicated for he and I. I can't convince him otherwise- all I can do is pray that His will be done, and not mine. I am so happy that you are turning your life around and fighting for your life and your husband and holding fast to God. Good for you!!!
Have a good night.

patty!

i'm SO glad you posted! it's good to hear from you. weird... i've been thinking about you and tim the last couple days. wondering how you're doing. h and i spent the day driving home to my parents for easter and i planned to write you tomorrow.

only a few weeks left for you, eh. just under six for me. kinda scary. and exciting.

i'm so sorry to hear about tim filling for divorce. it must've been such a surprise to find out that way. again, i'm sorry.

but at the same time, you sound like you're doing well. very well. getting out, getting involved, getting close(r) to god... sounds like you have a lot of support now.

i wish i had something really encouraging to say, but i'm kinda at a loss. just remember that this is the season for redemption, new life, and forgiveness. hold to that.

i'll continue to pray for you ~ and your new baby! be sure to let us know when he gets here!

amy

Thanks adgirl for replying. There is one thing for sure, God doesn't allow those you truly have Him in their hearts to stray forever. I am just so grateful that I have been forgiven and am growing daily!

Amy- I too often think of you. Our situations with the baby are so similar. I only wish that I had seen Tim and what he was offering sooner. That dang fog stayed around WAY too long! I regret not taking what was offered when it was offered.
Matthew is due on Tuesday but at the U/S done a couple of weeks ago he was measuring a week late so they adjusted to April 28th. It really makes me think even more than Tim could be the daddy but that is completely in God's hands. His ultimate plan is a mystery to me. I am having DNA done as soon as Matthew is born.
My trust is completely in God and it will take a miracle at this point I think for Tim to ever trust me again and want our marriage. I won't waiver in my committment to him, God gave me MAJOR agape love, 1 Cor 13 love for Tim when I committed to him and God is going to have to take it away. I never loved Tim in the right way before January I feel and now there isn't anything **I** can do to change that.
Sorry for rambling.. I get on a roll these days and don't shut up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Hope you're as excited as I am to hold your little one! I'm kinda anxious to meet this little squirming one...
Take care..Patty