I'm new to this board, but not new to the pain and suffering you all have been going through. I'll try to make my story short. On Sept. 12, the day after the world trade center disaster, I found out that my h had another life. He was with another woman for 11 years, and produced 2 children. We were married 32 years at the time, and we have 2 beautiful grown daughters. I have felt all the emotions over the past 1 1/2 yrs, that you have all gone through and are still going through. At first I threw him out of the house, but then let him come home, as he was truly remorseful. We are still somewhat together, but I don't know for how long. Our biggest problem new is that the ow, who lives overseas, deserted the children. My h had to go and find them, and now has the full responsibity of raising them, so he goes back. He stays here for 2 months and goes there for anywhere from 3 to 6 months. He has asked me repeatedly if he can bring his children here and will I help him raise them. I have repeatedly told him NO!! But I feel very sorry for him and I still love him very much, although people cannot understand why. I know in my heart that we should get divorced because these children will always be in his life, and I don't want to raise another family at my age, I'm 55. I really don't know what I want to here from this board, but has anyone been even close to my situation? How do I let go of the man I love and feel very sorry for.

Hello and welcome. I have not been in your shoes (similar but not the same), but I do have an idea about your situation. You have a HUGE blessing that the ow is out of the picture. That has helped my situation tremendously. But since your husband is trying to be responsible for these children and the ow is gone (that's the place where my situation is similar to yours), perhaps you and he could compromise.

I understand how difficult it is to have children tossed into your life, but I'm sure that you don't want to see them to tossed to the wind either. At least that's how I felt. Maybe a young family from your church or something could agree to raise the kids. That way, they would be cared for and he wouldn't have to continue to travel and take time away from rebuilding your marriage. If everyone agreed, then he could have visitation with them, but they would live a more normal home life and so would he. Just a thought.

I am sure that you are going through a ton of emotions. Don't make decisions right away. Just let this horrible situation sink in for awhile. Stay strong, read MB principles, and keep praying and posting.

My thought was like Aimee's. Maybe H could bring children here. (I am assuming US citizenship.) As their bio-father he sould be able to get them into the country. He could set up a home for them. It sounds as if you have susbtantial resources. He could hire nannies, visit them and yet keep them out of your home.

If you met them, you might come to care for them and decide to bring them into your home. (Stranger, but not much stranger, things have happened.) Maybe you could see this if you had substantial help with them and he took on most of the burden. Some of us have come to love our H's OC. (Not that you have to or there is something wrong with you if you don't.)

Or, once in the country, H could arrange for their adoption as suggested by Aimee. My H and I just spent a small fortune to adopt two older boys from Russia. There are so many couples who can't afford to do what we did, but could provide a loving home and many who would be happy to take on children who were no longer babies, especially if they have not been subject to great abuse and neglect.

I am sorry you are in this very difficult position and I can't imagine the horror of learning this on 9/12. You must have felt like a zombie for months.

Blessings,
MJ

Thanks for your replies. I don't think my h would let someone adopt his kids. You see, his mother left his sister and him when he was 2 yrs. old. He was raised by his grandmother, so he knows what its like to be rejected.
I have no doubt that I would grow to love the kids, I already have feelings for them, they are the inocent victims of this mess. I wonder what their lives will be like. I'm also afraid that if I took his kids to raise, what's to say that somewhere down the road, he finds someone else again, and then I will be in a worse situation then I am now. Right now he is desparate to find a solution to his problem, and I can't help feeling like he is being so nice to me because of this, he won't say he loves me, but by his actions I believe he has strong feelings for me. But how is one to ever know what is truly in someone elses mind, he fooled me for 11 years.