I am hoping for some input from some of you wise people, especially the ones most experiened ones in applying MBer skills.

I cleaned my home desk out yesterday. I found a receipt for a sapphire ring that I never received. This was not a very expensive ring in comparison to some jewlery I have gotten from my husband. It cost either $700 or $1,300. It is from the time when Mr J's affair was still active, in fact, I had been transferred cross-country and H was wrapping up our lives in the old state and moving out with me.

Around time of D-day, H told me that during their lengthy affair he had bought her some not-too-expenvsive gold earrings for b-day, Christmas, but never any substantial jewlery.

This is under my skin. It disturbed my sleep last night, is eating at me today. A ring of all things--so symbolic. Not like a necklace or earrings. Do I use Radical Honesty and tell that I stumbled across this and ask for some comfort? Or do I not dislcose this as it is sure to make him feel lower than whale poop? He is suffering depression and was nearly hospitalized last week for suicidal thoughts. I certainly don't want to trigger more trauma for him.

When I decided to stay, I asked a medium amount of questions in the beginning but didn't string the time out too long. I respect(ed) his need/want to not be constantly reminded of what he did wrong. I made up my mind that I was never going to know all the details, never going to have a good understanding of why this happened (except that he is bipolar and was experiencing narcissism--he is in treatment for both and the narcissism is virtually gone). I also know that a lot of our former WSs have amnesia about details that we would like. I don't think it is deliberate. They could probably recover them with intensive therapy focused on the A or hypnosis, but what purpose would that serve? It may have been a lie (probably was) or it may have been something he subconsciously blocked from his mind and cannot access.

Oh, BTW. We used to be rich as sin and now struggle very much to meet our obligations. What he spent then was (comparatively) nothing. Now it is a great deal. In fact, the furnace broke over Easter weekend. The bill was just under $1,000--about the amount of the ring. Because of the repair bill, the next three months will be tighter and more uncomfortable (here comes more beans and rice). I look at that receipt for the ring and wish we had that money back (and lots of money we both spent). I scrimp, I save, I don't buy a piece of meat that isn't at least 1/2 off. I shop sales and thrift shops. We do most of our own home repairs, even complicated ones. I am feeling sorry for myself and for some aspects of our former life--no, not the A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

MJ,

So nice to see your handle again, although I wish it was for better reasons! I can understand your delema, though. My personal, jump at it, conclusion is to employ the Radical Honesty, and, as you said, tell him that while straightening up, found this receipt for this ring. That it has been bothering you, and you wanted to bring it to his attention. But, then you stated the fact of his depression/bi-polar problems! I think that maybe you should tread carefully, but still let him know about it. I wish that I could give you the "script" to do this, but I have no idea what you should say! I will pray for guidance in this.

Tigger

MJ,

My normal response would be to use Radical Honesty in a friendly and polite manner and tell him---along with what you need for him to "make it up" to you (I'm assuming a big hug would probably do). But...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is suffering depression and was nearly hospitalized last week for suicidal thoughts. I certainly don't want to trigger more trauma for him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">my advice will be to say nothing instead. I'm not sure that a ring is more "symbolic" than any other piece of jewelery (especially to Mr. J), so his "deception" may simply be something he either forgot or felt he had already disclosed. It's also in the past, in a time when he was obviously lying---so it's no surprise. If he's been above-board and doing well in behavior and honesty now, I'd say that you have nothing to worry about.

I can certainly see how it would trigger your past feelings. I can see you feeling crappy about this. But given Mr. J's mental state, I wouldn't approach him now and in an attempt to have him help shoulder the load. The best you can probably do is to come here and get some sympathy...

{{{{{{{{MJ}}}}}}}}

I'll tell you a funny story. My wife got a necklace from the OM for Christmas. She was wearing it to bed afterwards, while we were still together. Although I was doing a pretty decent plan A, this really pissed me off. I finally went to my sister-in-law and told her, and she read my wife the riot act. My wife was "surprised" that it even bothered me. Wayward spouses---what the heck are you going to do with them????

Another good Christmas story. I was out shopping at an antique store nearby for Christmas presents. I came across an old duck decoy that I really loved, and strongly considered getting it for my sister and her husband. Decided against it. About two weeks later I was doing laundry, and in the dryer was the little tag for that decoy. At this time I was hopeful that Plan A might be having an effect, and I had done a terrific job getting my wife "cool" presents that she would appreciate, without going overboard. I thought to myself "hey, maybe this is having an effect---that's a really nice, thoughtful gift..."

I never got the duck. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

On the other hand, I did get a very sweet little boy out of the deal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

MJ,

With your permission let me ramble abit on this one, and then see if I can offer anything useful.

It seems to me the receipt is representative of old history. You KNOW about the affair and that he had indeed bought her some jewelry. You know that has eneded the affair. You know he is showing great remorse for his affair. And you know that all of this hurt you greatly.

So my thinking is; What else to do need to know?

I don't mean this to sound flippant. I really mean what do you expect to learn? Are there still nagging details you need cleared up? Do you fear there is more to this story you need to hear?

Do you need him to proclaim his love for you and great sorrow for what he did?

What is it you think you need to learn from this receipt? I suspect if you can answer that you will know what to do.

My own thinking would be to simply state you found a receipt for the sapphire ring he gave her, and you threw it away. You hope that was alright with him? That way he knows you know. He sees that it hasn't caused any further damage, IF INDEED IT HAS NOT. And it shows that you are healing. It is also honest.

Now interestingly, I would suggest this not to protect him, but to help you. You seem to already understand the why's, the who's, and the results of this purchase. I wonder if digging into it further would help you. Perhaps it would show your H no secret is really a secret.

But, I guess I am taking a rather passive position on this one, based on what you said. You both have lost much, and survived much, and I hope and pray will again find yourselves happy and successful. I see this ring as just the flotsam of an event that has passed.

MJ you are a good woman. I think you will figure out what to do with that receipt and how best to handle this.

God Bless,

JL

What if you say nothing and just leave the receipt on his dresser or his bathroom--somewhere that HE will find it and just give him the option of coming to you?

If he comes to you, fine, if he chooses not to fine.

And pray, pray, pray! Let God know how much it hurts you and ask Him for grace and mercy and healing.

God knows you cannot bear this burden alone.

You need your husband to be strong for you in this situation. You are always being strong for him, it seems, and this time, you need him. You get weak too! You can't be the strong one all the time, shoving your feelings under the rug?!

I'm not saying shove them in his face, just leaving the receipt somewhere in an open spot where he will find him would be a way of letting him know what you now know.

No confrontation. He can do with it whatever he wants. See what he does?

Thank you Tigger, K, JL & BTDT. Especially thanks for the quick responses. Yes, rings probably mean more to ladies than to men. I thought that even with all of the violations that had happened in our marriage that I was the only woman he had ever given a ring to. (I was his first love, he never traded rings with a girl in school or college.) It also hurt that there was a description of the ring. A sapphire with a diamond on each side. It is a copy of my engagement ring. All of my jewlery is sapphires, my birthstone. 'Sides we got engaged right after Charles and Diana and sapphires were popular. I was petty enough to notice that hers was 1/2 the size of mine. The stones--not the skinny fingers she has. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think that I had come to the conclusion of 3 of 4 of you--to not say anything or not say much of anything. I like the "I threw it away" response K. I don't need him to bear more than he is already. I did want comfort. I wanted to be comforted instead of always being the comforter. You are right that a hug would have done, but I will choose to forgo that in the face of blacing more of a burden on him. I think I have gotten the comfort I needed here, from people who have been on my side of this situation. I also know how my mind works, in three or four days this won't bother me anymore. I don't stew on things. Life is too short and I have too much living to do.

BTDT, I thought of your idea too. I had a bad habit of leaving incriminating evidence of his affair (like phone receipts) on his computer keyboard. He hated the underhandedness of my behavior. (I don't know, what do you think? A case of the pot calling the kettle black?) I did it in anger and that message came across loud and clear to him.

Thanks again, all.

MJ

BTW, this one was easier than the time I found a grocery store receipt from when he went to visit her two weeks after the baby was born and she sent him to the store for baby formula, diapers and sanitary products for her. Ewwww! more information than I ever wanted.

<small>[ April 22, 2003, 12:21 PM: Message edited by: MaryJanes ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You are reading my mind and I would venture to say that after all you've been through, he must know that you are way past that angry stage...

Hmmm....

What a trip! I keep wondering WHY he would "hide" it right there where it could be found? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Maybe the others are right who are saying just suck it up and ignore it.

What if you just handed it to him and softly said "Ouch" turn, and quickly leave the room. Say nothing more than that...

I got that out of the Surrendered Wife book. It's pretty good...

<small>[ April 23, 2003, 12:19 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>