Hello everyone. I haven't been on the site for quite a few years (when my H had his 1st A with my best friend). Since then, I thought everything had turned around for the better. We had our third child and were both deliriously happy with our decision & son. We have been together for 13 years, married for 9 with 3 children, ages 9, 7 & 1.

Last May, however, he confessed to me that he had another A with someone he met through his work. It was like pulling nails getting him to admit to it all. I found out he had been having unprotected sex with the OW & so got tested for all STD's. Then I asked him if she could be pregnant & he said no. Only later to find out that she actually was pregnant & he just couldn't fess up to it. Supposedly she had been sleeping around with others also, swears up & down it is my H's, but doesn't have him listed as father on birth cert. & hasn't asked for any support.

She called my house pretending to be someone else & saying that if this is my H's baby, he needed to do something because she is claiming it is her ex's baby & trying to sue him for support. She seems to me to be a little crazy - changes her story to suit her needs at the time. Her & her friends/ex's family would not leave us alone - kept calling the house, etc. She even went to his work & tried to get him fired - it didn't work, but we got a restraining order & changed our phone #.

Meanwhile, we went to the courthouse & did research on her - found out she lost custody of other 3 children to her ex who has been in & out of jail for a number of years & is on drugs & alcohol. How in the world could someone lose their kids to a man like that unless they had serious problems? I heard from ex's family that she has some sort of disorder where you hurt your child or make them appear ill to gain sympathy.

Anyway, H & I have decided (after DNA test)if it is his to try for full custody of the child. I know it would be in the baby's best interest, but selfishly feel as though I don't know if I can handle raising this child as it will always remind me of all this pain. On the other side, though, if anything ever happened to her I would never forgive myself and feel like it was my fault if I didn't do what I can to help her.

Waiting for our DNA court date in May as she will not consent to the test without court order. How strange is that? I can't figure it out since she says it is his, unless she is afraid we will get custody - my H told her as much - MISTAKE!

I am dying inside - I feel as though I will never be in love with him again. I know I love him as we have been together for so many years & have been through so much together, but I don't love him as a wife should love a H. I can't have intimate relations with him w/o crying after or during. Sometimes I think it wouldv'e been easier if he had just left me, but he swears he loves me & has had a revelation. He has changed so completely in the way he acts, talks, etc. toward me that I want to believe him. But how many times must you be burned before you quit going near the fire? I am afraid to let my heart be open to pain again. I am afraid to trust him as he has hurt me again & again.

I love this new person he has become, but am afraid it won't last once I completely forgive him & get on with life. Is he just wooing me back? I just don't know.

I would appreciate a man's point of view or anyone out there that has gotten through this sort of misery & come out on top. I am just soooooooooo confused. Please help! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Nic,

Ugh.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I love this new person he has become, but am afraid it won't last once I completely forgive him & get on with life. Is he just wooing me back? I just don't know.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You won't know until he's established a long-term consistent track record of good, new marital behavior that will allow you to regain trust. That's going to take some time, and the added compication of this child's situation will not be easy on you (although it could actually build love, if managed correctly).

My advice to you is the usual---I'd suggest that you call the MB office (888-639-1639) and try some counseling with Steve or Jenn Harley. Especially if your husband will join in. Working with them will help the two of you more quickly learn the skills that you'll need to put this marriage back in place.

Raising an OC of my wife's, I would caution you to think about the situation seriously---but if you love children in general and can deal with the extra stresses that they bring, then you may find some extra rewards in taking the OC in, should she be your husband's.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>"I am dying inside - I feel as though I will never be in love with him again. I know I love him as we have been together for so many years & have been through so much together, but I don't love him as a wife should love a H. I can't have intimate relations with him w/o crying after or during. Sometimes I think it wouldv'e been easier if he had just left me, but he swears he loves me & has had a revelation. He has changed so completely in the way he acts, talks, etc. toward me that I want to believe him. But how many times must you be burned before you quit going near the fire? I am afraid to let my heart be open to pain again. I am afraid to trust him as he has hurt me again & again."</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's totally unrealistic of you and him to beleive that you can simply dust yourself off and continue with your lives as though nothing has happened. This is his second betrayal towards you and it's going to take probably more time to heal from, IF you decide to remain married to your H. K is right when he advises you to contact the Harley's IF you want to do everything possible to save and rebuild your M.

Oh and with regards to finding out if the OC is your H's, DO get a court order for a DNA test because in many States, a woman can sue for CS and get it even if the man can prove LATER that the OC is not his biologically. In other words, once your H starts paying CS, the court may consider him the father of the OC regardless of whether it's his or not.

Your H is a lucky man to have a woman with such great heart and IF you decide that you want to raise the OC as your own, the OC will truly be blessed and so will you.

<small>[ April 29, 2003, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has changed so completely in the way he acts</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NicWats,
You two must read from this site and counsel if at all possible w/Harleys.

Your H is acting from fear about oc.
does not want it to be his because the proof of his denying his infidelity will be in your faces.

If you wish to counsel, I urge you to set up an appointment soon.

Call 1-888-639-1639 asap.

If your H is "for sure" he'll do this with you. If not, scrape the money up and do it for yourself!

They give hope where all is lost.

Along with asking God to show you the way, I urge you to call.

K had some excellent words for you.

I can't come often anymore, but I do check in.

Blessings..and prayers
Debi

<small>[ April 29, 2003, 08:26 PM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>

No wonder you are confused, as you are going thru this a second time.
I agree that you are a very strong person to be able to seek full custody if the child is your H's.
I also agree with K, that you need to see long term committment on your H's part, and it sounds as if he is trying to show it. I guess I would try to open my heart a bit more, with every bit more he shows you. (Boy, if I only heeded my own advice!)
I really don't have much advice other than the DNA test will allow you to bring closure to some questions and also allow you to plan on how to approach the visitation/custody/support issues. Maybe if you are able to know what you are dealing with, it would make it easier (for lack of a better word) for you to face.
Keep posting...it helps to get out the feelings...
NGU